Happy Birthday, Henry...I Should Be Getting Ready...

So, I should be in the shower getting ready for my day. I have TONS to do today...get invitations printed up and sent out. Address those, buy stamps, send out my car payment, meet up with the Hunters/Tams/Russells for dinner--pack for a trip to LA soon...TONS to do.... but alas, here I sit.

I wasn't in the mood to meditate this morning, though now I'm getting closer to it.

Perhaps that's why I'm still sitting here....sifting through emails, blogs and of course, MORE wedding plans! Honestly, one of the most stressful, beautiful, amazing, and blessed experiences of my life!

The fact that I'll be a married woman in a little over 6 weeks is just odd; ME....Sarah Liz, the woman who swore off marriage long ago, the woman who is now old enough to be married...the little girl from Reno who's had so many surgeries and made it to 25.....I'm going to be a real-life, legally-wed, bonafide WIFE! Yikes! Yesterday, I kept wondering if it'll feel different. If I'll wake up the next day (the day after our wedding), look at my Colin and go "WOW! You're actually my HUSBAND now, for real!" After all the planning, spending, trying, going, deciding, and buying...after months of everyone already calling us "husband/wife," we're going to make it very real. And the funny thing is, the closer gets, the less scared of it I get. I think I spent enough time last year freaking out over marriage and what it meant. And of course, I don't want/don't plan to be divorced, but you know, life is crazy and all we can do is take it one day at a time, give each other our best and accept one another fully! By the way, I don't think we'll be divorced. If we've made it this darn far, shoot, we're good.

I've spent tons of time researching "marriage," is supposed to be--and what "being a wife," is all about...and it's completely different for everyone, but at the very least, it's absolutely life-changing. There's no doubting that aspect of it. Some people say being married is easy, some say it's hard. Some refer to it as a job,, others as a blessing....I definately consider it a blessing, but let's not lie, some days, it does feel like a job. Because you ARE obligated to one another in a multitude of ways, but you're also there because you want to be (hopefully, and we both definatley want to be!!! Colin & I feel married already in so many ways, but I do wonder if it'll actually feel different after we make it legal? I guess we'll wait and see. It's been on my mind and the concept is sometimes baffling, sometimes exciting, sometimes wonderous and always amazing! I found a man willing to put up with me and my crap for the rest of his life...my God, the man must be a Saint! (Okay, I'll be putting up with him too, but glad to do so...no one else is worth it--truly!)

Besides, lately...I find myself appreciating Colin more. I find myself (at least trying) being kinder and gentler and more generous. And so is he. We're learning, a little each day, and it's truly fabulous! We're free of faults or missteps, it's a process. But, I honestly feel like after 2+ years together, we're finally getting our groove down, at least for now...as much as we can until life changes again. And it will, it always does...CHANGE IS GROWTH! And change can be fantastic! :)

I love Colin so much, so, so, so, so, so much...more than he will ever know...and despite our faults and sometimes drama...I KNOW he loves me too. I can feel it!

Sometimes I look at him and my heart just melts--see, I sound like a newlywed already! Through the process of planning our wedding, there have been many moments that I have just stopped and cried and cried and cried...tons of tears of sheer JOY! It's amazing! I found him! Can you believe it? I found him! Yay God!

Okay, so other times, well, other times we probably want to smack each other up side the head, but we don't....(and now I sound like a long-married wife!). The thing is...marriage is real....living with someone, marrying them...it doesn't get much more "real" than that. And I think any couple who's honest with themselves will tell you that it's up and down...but mostly, hopefully up!

Okay, so I'm going to level with you.....I'm ENJOYING the wedding planning even more lately...well, as of this week lately, anyway. I'm enjoying it and EXPERIENCING it more, because....well.....

The truth is, Colin is sick, something is seriously wrong with him..he's been losing massive amounts of weight, has been unable to gain it back, and is tired ALL the time--regardless of how much he sleeps. His stomach hurts pretty much all the time and he's in pain a lot. Now, sometimes, I think he's being Mr. Drama King, to be quite honest, but other times, I KNOW my man is sick. I can tell, I know him, I'm intuitive, I'm spiritually inclined and I something is wrong, I just don't know what. Four years ago when I was so sick and unable to find out what was wrong with me, I was scared, and tired and sick and tired of being sick and tired...but guess what, I'd rather be the patient than the onlooker!

And the truth is, I'm scared SHITLESS! I don't mind marrying a "sick" man, but I'd at least like to know what I'm up against. Me being sick is fine, well, not fine, but you know, I can DEAL with it, I've dealt with it my whole life. I'm a pro at it by now! But, SOMEONE else being sick, possibly my fiancee/husband....words cannot express my trepadation.

I am remembering now the phrase that says "FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real," and I'm trying my best to not create stuff before we find out what is truly going on.

I'm hoping for the best, praying my butt off and leaving it in God's hands. Because the truth is, I KNOW Colin & I will weather whatever it is that comes our way! But, let me tell you, I do NOT do good when I'm NOT the patient. I'm much better at being IN the bed, being taken care of, rather than being the one sitting BESIDE the bed! Not that I want to be in a hospital again, or sick for any reason. I have no desire to return to that former life of mine, none at all. But I'm a novist at it, Colin on the other hand..not so much.

His grandma said she thinks it's his thyroid because thyroid problems apparently run in his family...as do diabetes and heart disease....so let's be totally 110% honest here....when most couples stand up and pledge, "for better or worse, in sickness and in health...." they really don't know what they're talking about. They don't what "sick" is or how "very sick," one can get. I do. Colin does. I'm not exactly 110% "normal & healthy" myself. More so than I ever thought I'd be, granted, so much better off and not attatched to chords/tubes/feeding-breathing devices like I used to be. When I say I'm blessed beyond measure, I mean it. But, still, "in sickness and in health," we know that well. And I know we'll stand by one another and just get through it--whatever it is, my sick(nesses), his, whatever it may be....but I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit here going on a future trip freaking out about what may or may not happen. I REFUSE to freak out before I have the facts. I know in my heart, as does Colin know in his, that SOMETHING is definately wrong here...but for the moment, we're going to go ahead with our magnificent wedding plans!!!

And if there's anything I know in this life, it's that through tough times comes greatness. Through being sick, you become forced to realize and count your blessings, each and every day. And all the STRESS of last weekend, seems to have faded. Sure, I'm still stressed about the wedding, but suddenly, I KNOW it'll happen. We're going forward with the plans, we're going to have a wedding and we're going to be married! We both want this so badly. And we may be a lot of things, but knieve about the truth of married life is not one of them!

I am (for the moment, as much as I can be) so aware of the trials and tribulations and feelings of "I can't believe I signed up for this crap! Are you kidding me?" And feelings of "you know, I love you more than anything/anyone on this earth, but I also can't stand you at the moment, so please, do yourself a favor, and get out of my face right now." The thing is....we can do that because we KNOW we'll always work it out...he told me yesterday "I'm not going anywhere, Sarah, geeze, you should get that by now." And he's right, we both know that no matter what, we're here. We're here, together, in it forever. And sure, things may change, life may (in fact, it will) hand us all sorts of crap that we'll have to muddle through...but at least we'll muddle through it together!

I'm in his corner and he's in mine. We may not always understand one another, or even always like one another, but we love each other, completely and fully.

And we've got to make a concious effort to not let the stress of wedding planning and fear of what may or may not be lurking around the corner in terms of our health, ruin this most beautiful experience (Our Wedding!) We cannot take it out on each other. If anything, all of this will just bring us closer together. You know that phrase, 'if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger,' that's so true...especially in relationships!

Colin & I have already been through so much and will no doubt go through more. Loving each other is easy, marriage, however, is not. But it is totally and completely worth it!

And just the utter thought of him not being here with me brings me to my knees. It makes me cry out in dsperation and loss. I truly cannot imagine my life without him. Oh, no, not at all. Sure, I'm a strong woman, and I know in my heart that no matter what life hands me, I'm going to be okay, and I'm going to rise above. But please, Lord, I'm pledging forever with Colin, and I'd like to live as much of that 'forever,' as possible. I'll trust in You, and Your ways, but please, we've already been through so much, we agreed to not pick an easy marriage, we agreed to love and accept one another, and we agreed to stick together. So, please, keep my beloved fiancee' in Your Presence, in Your hands and in Your love, grace and mercy. And while you're at it, I could use a little of those myself! Thank you for You, Lord, for the gift of each other and all of our truly amazing blessings! The extension of family and friends whose love & support means more to us than they will ever possibly know. The beautiful home which keeps us comfy and warm in the winter and cool in the summer. The working cars we drive around in each day. Food in our fridge and clean water to drink. And voices to speak to each other with. And all of our other blessings as well. Thank You, Lord. You are Grand! And with You by our side, and each other, Colin & I will make it through anything...but can I just ask for a bit of a "honeymoon" phase here....I mean, we only plan on doing this once, and not to be blasphomus, but I think we deserve this gorgeous experience! Well, okay, that's up to us to make it gorgeous, but still. Please, Lord, let our beautiful wedding that comes together that way we both want it, with love and kindness and family and friends! And the stress of which is lessened by the fact that we're doing this for each other and those beloved family & friends!

Oh, and Happy Birthday Grandpa Henry, I love you so much! Thanks for all of your love and support too! And for taking care of, and sharing Grandma! Happy 75th, Grandpa, here's to many, many, many more years of love, health and happiness...for you and all of us as well!!!! God Bless Us Everyone!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz