Living What You Believe: Marriage, Divorce, and other life markers.

I just read an excellent column in my local paper! It's actually a spin-off of my local paper that specializes in my little corner of the Las Vegas Valley. The author's name is Steven Kalas, and I read his column every week. And, after I read it, I think about something differently. (More information about him, as well as some of his columns are the link for today.)

It has recently occurred to me that my most favorite writers are the ones who tell the honest truth. The ones who are so forthright in their writing, so brazen in their sharing and so truthful in their styles. I love these writers, I admire them. I am trying to honor them by writing the same way.

After all, isn't that what great writing, and great art is really about? To get people thinking...to get their juices flowing...their thoughts racing, and even occasionally, their tempers flaring. Because if a temper flairs there's only two reasons it does: the person with the flairring temper is either afraid of something to their core--or they have a very strong belief that they believe to their core.

I have a lot of core beliefs. I try to live them, but I don't always succeed. Case in point, I wrote a poem the other night, stayed up until 2am writing the darn thing, and yet, I've not yet found the courage to share it. It's very Orson Well's 1984, and it talks about how technology is over-taking us as a society. I love what I wrote, I'm fiercely proud of my ability to take such a stance on something so huge. But, the truth is, I think the poem I wrote makes me a hyprocrite (aren't we all one?) because I myself am dependent upon a computer, my email, and the Internet. Heck, even this very blog is on the Internet....it is a blog after all, if it wasn't on the web (Blog is short for Weblog) it'd be a journal, right? Right. Anyway, I love my computer, my Internet and my affinity for fellow bloggers grows by the day. But, none the less, here I am; writing about living what you believe and telling you about a poem I don't have the guts to share. Go figure.

This recent poem of mine, along with this week Steven Kalas columnn, got me thinking: how many of us really live what we believe?

Mr. Kalas' column, this week, is on marriage. And how there are a bunch of people who have a secret club called the INMA Club...the "I'll Never Marry Again" Club, to which my own mother is a long-time member. Mr. Kalas explains that some people don't want to marry again because they're bitter or cynical, or have decided that they're no good at marriage. Others don't want to marry again just so that they can buck society and not be 'pinned' down by cultural standards.(More on this later) And others, like Mr. Kalas himself, don't want to marry again because they don't want to "embarass the institution of marriage". Because they do have such a great respect for marriage itself and have willingly taken themselves out of the line up for such a thing.

I can't say I ever belonged to the INMA Club, but at a time in my life (in fact, not too long ago), I did belong to the IMA Club...the plain ole' I'll Never Marry (At all, Ever) Club.

Back then I didn't want to marry because I thought getting married had to mean getting divorced. I thought that I didn't want to be tied down like that and "run around" by some man. I thought I didn't need a man. I wasn't even sure if I wanted one. (Though I never played for the other team!). I thought I was young and didn't need that kind of responsibility. And truthfully, I thought I wouldn't be any good at it. And yet, just three short years later, here I sit, a married woman. And on most days, a happily married woman at that. Suffice to say, I think I'm pretty good at it. And I sincerely like being a wife. I like the responsibility of thinking of my life beyond myself. Marriage makes you do that, whether you like or not. Ask my husband, he'd totally agree. I like the married life; it's difficult at times, but it is so worth it. Divorce still scares the crap out of me, and come to think of it, so does marriage too. But look at me, I'm actually doing it--marriage, and it's pretty cool. And although I should sit here and say that divorce is never an option, and is not in my cards; I'm going to be a brave little writer and speak the truth (like my favorite writers): yes, actually divorce IS an option. It's just not one of my current ones, or even something I consider regularly. Fortunately for me, neither does my husband. But the reality is, divorce IS possible, it DOES happen, and it is much more common than it isn't. Divorce has become just as much of a 'right of passage' as marriage itself has. Most everyone I know has been divorced, and the fear of being divorced myself almost stopped me from getting married in the first place. I'm glad I didn't allow my fear of marriage to stop me. In fact, getting married gave me a boost of confidance because it taught me that I can stand up to my fears and face them--head on. I can stare them down and tear them up, and so far, I'm winning by a landslide! But, let's face it, divorce is not illegal, and in the state that I live in, heck, it can be done in twenty-four hours if/when uncontested without minors involved. That's a scary thought, but also very true.

Colin and I celebrated two months of marriage yesterday, and yes, when compared to those married for years and years on end, two months is kid stuff. This we know. But two months is two months, none the less; and the older I get, the more I believe, every day of life lived is an accomplishment. We are newlyweds, Colin and I, we are learning by the day. And loving one another more each day. This is good. This is very good.

The other day in the doctors office we sat next a couple who had been married for forty-one years. FORTY ONE YEARS! Can you imagine?! My Lord, I hope! They were so sweet and cute and absolutely inspiring! That got me thinking about what actually GETS you to (and through) forty-one years of marriage. Heck, at forty-one days it was tough. But, I digress.

Back to my question of the night: how many of us are actually living what we believe? A few weeks ago my husband had a situation in his life where he was forced to stand up for what he believes, even though it might have ended up in unfavorable consequences. He stood by what he believed in. And at first, I was mad as hell at him. How could he be so......my thoughts went on, and then the love and admiration for my husband overflowed from me like a waterfall. He was living what he believed. Even if it meant enduring some not so nice stuff--including from his wife. I'm happy to report that nothing serious happened at all, and everything worked out for the best. But my love and respect for my husband grew, it great immensely. That situation a few weeks ago and Steven Kalas' column tonight made me think, again: how many of us live what we believe? Truthfully....

Do I actually believe in marriage? Yes, but just because it's working out for me, so far, does that mean I think it's for everyone? No, I do not. Absolutely not, and it certainly isn't for the lazy or careless. Do I think that at times, for certain people, in certain circumstances, divorce IS the better option? Absolutely.

I believe that life is far too short and much too precious to not live it happily. Living it happily, though not in denial, is my number priority in life. Being married adds to my overall happiness, for some, it decreases theirs. And if that's the case, and they never took the time to be happy within themselves to begin with; and their spouse is someone who refuses to learn and to grow, who refuses to try and work at that marriage, than yes, I think divorce is a better option. So, do I believe in divorce? Sometimes, yes. But never as a first option, never as a threat and never as a way of getting out of honoring words that you spoke (and hopefully meant).

The point is that I believe that the God gave us free will for a good reason. Just like marriage isn't for some people; neither is having children, and that's okay. Some people are meant to be parents, and some are not. Some people live their lives entirely childless and do so purposely. I think if you have the courage to do that, more power to you. I think KNOWING what you want, what you don't want and what you absolutely need; and actively pursuing all three, that is when you can truly say you are living what you believe. THAT is real courage. And THAT is the key to living happily. Whether you're married, a parent, or not.

I was talking with a friend this evening about how getting married and having kids are pretty much the only "markers" of success once you graduate High School or College. The second you step out with your degree, or out of the buildidng without a degree for matter--the clock starts ticking....

How old is he/she now? Shouldn't they be getting married by now? And then, the minute you're married, it's "so, when are you having children?" For the record, whenever I darn well please, thank you very much! I just got married, we're adjusting, one thing at a time, people, please! In all seriousness, though, this friend and I were talking about how getting married and having kids is still so abundantly expected in our society. And that if person never marries and never has kids, we automatically categorize them as selfish or crazy--or both. And as a married woman, I have to say, that's such crap.

Since marriage is hard work, I can't imagine what parenthood is like. I'd like to think I have some idea of what it's like, but in reality, I probably do not. Getting married and having kids just isn't for everyone. And that's okay. I would much rather someone not get married, and never have children, and be happy and content with that, than to be trapped in miserable marriage with screwed up kids wondering what the hell happened to their life? How horrible would that be. The sad reality is; there are so many people living the very life I've just described. And my heart goes out to them.

At least the single/childless people are living what they believe. If they want to be married or have children and are not, than that's a whole other ballgame! But, that's for another post.

I posted earlier today about how I pray all the time. I believe in prayer. So I live it--daily! Sometimes hourly! I believe, (now) in marriage, or at least in giving it one heck of an honest try! And I'm having loads of fun doing so! I believe in the Lord, so I talk about Him. I believe in love, so I share it. I believe a lot of other things too, but this post isn't about my personal beliefs.

The point is if you're not living what you believe, than are you really living at all?

Some of the worst fights my husband and I have ever had are over the different beliefs we have. We share many similar beliefs, and some we don't agree on at all. I love it when we disagree as much as I do when we do agree. The times when we don't agree on our beleifs; those moments teach me patience and critical thinking, and most of all, they teach me tolerance, for myself and the beliefs of others. And if we're fighting about it, than at least we can say we're living it. At least we have the courage to stand up for what we believe in, even if it means standing up to each other.

Just this morning my grandfather said an occasional aruguement every now and then is good for the soul. And I agree. Colin and I don't argue that often anymore. It just doesn't seem worth it. Since we personally don't plan on divorcing and are here for good, no matter what; what's the point of arguing? The tons of long-married couples we met on our honeymoon mostly said that there is really nothing worth fighting about. We try and incorperate that philosophy into our marriage. Some things, however, ARE worth fighting for: each other, our health, our marriage. But, overall, most trivial things are not. Again, life is too short to spend it fighting and screaming and yelling. It's usually not worth it in the end.

What is worth it in the end is knowing that you lived your life by doing what you believe. Whatever it is.

If you don't know exactly what it is you believe in, or don't believe in, I highly encourage you to find out. Go on a purposeful journey to find it. Differences make the world interesting, and fun and exciting! And we're really not that different when you think about it.

We all want love, we all hope and we all want to be happy. These things, I believe. I hope I live each of them every single day.

I've relinquished my "I'll Never Marry" membership card and it felt quite good to do so. I believe in marriage, now. For me. For my husband. For us. But it is not my place to push my beliefs on to anyone else; I can only share them, and live them, to the best of my ability.

What memberships are you a part of that no longer fit into your lifestyle? What beliefs do you carry that you've held onto from day one and plan on taking to your grave? Whatever they are, savor them and be willing to stand up for them.

After all, we're only human beings, doing our best, chugging along in this life with what we know. I'd like to think most of us are continuing to learn. I sure am. And what I've learned tonight is that belonging to a club such as the "I'll Never Marry Again (or at all)" club, probably holds a temporary membership. Because in the end, we have that gift of free will. We have the beautiful progress that life makes and the miracles that happen every day. This makes our memberships, and our beliefs; an ever changing thing!

This is kind of the way Mr. Kalas ended his column. He's no longer a member of the INMA Club. I wanted to kind of echo his thinking and what I thought about it. Here's to Mr. Kalas, his beliefs, my beliefs and most of all, your beliefs....may they ebb and flow with the changes of life and may we all be brave enough to live our beleifs; honestly and courageously--each and every day!


In Light N' Courageous-Believing Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. Perhaps I'll post that poem I wrote the other night, stay tuned....