The Tough Business of Living....

Boy ain't that the truth?! I watched Touched By An Angel today and this was what was said in part of the episode:

"God knows why we make the choices that we make. What amazes me about people, it's not that a few of you can't go on, it's that almost every one of you does. Despite this tough business of living. You get up every morning, and you start over again because there's this little voice inside of you that says hope. And most you, still listen to it. And the ones who don't, we have to release and return. Because hope lives everywhere."

The episode was about a man who killed himself, and you know, I don't know I'd live with that if someone I knew did that. I do know that in times of crises, many people have called me (literally) and turned to me to help them regain hope. To put things into perspective. I am not sharing this to brag, I actually sometimes wonder if I have a sign on my forehead that says "feel like taking yourself out this life, call Sarah." But I think people do that because I've never given up hope for very damn long. Have I lost it once or twice? Absolutely. Do I find it harder and harder as I get older to keep that hope going and going and going? Sometimes, yes. Because you know what, this is TOUGH BUSINESS. And life DOES get in the way of hope. It can drain you, change you, and just turn you upside down. With finances and family and commitments and so on and so forth; it can get to the point of hopelessness. But I don't think I've ever lost hope entirely. I can't say I've ever been a truly hopeless person. I would never kill myself, because that's just not my style. Because I can't fathom causing my loved ones, that much pain. Because I know that it WILL ALWAYS get better, and that even if I'm not right where I want to be in any given aspect of my life, I'm sure as hell not where I was. Because life is a constant journey of living and learning. Because I've worked too damn hard to survive to the day that I have. Because life is a gift. Because it is precious and rare and miraculous. Because even though I may go through bouts of depression and anger, and even downright impatience sometimes, I know these things to be true...I know these things to be true to the very core of my being, with every fiber of my being. It is a tough business this thing we call living, and at times, it gets seemingly harder and harder. But it is what it is. And the alternative, in my mind, it's not an alternative. There is no other choice. You go on living, and learning and hoping and loving. Because those four things DO prevail all. I know this because I've lived it, I've seen it, and I, like millions of others, am a walking example of it. I absolutely understand WHY people kill themselves, but I don't understand HOW....and I don't mean logistics. I am NOT judging, okay, let make that abundantly clear. But, it's not just OUR life we're living; we're wives and husbands and sisters and brothers and mothers and fathers and friends and lovers. You know. Our choices affect a multitude of others, and to me, the idea of exiting this life of your own accord just seemed like the chicken shit way out. I'm sorry. I understand how bad it can get, the pain--physical, mental, emotional; and maybe, there is something better UP there, than what we have to live down here, God, I hope so--seriously. But, the truth is, we weren't put here for an easy ride. Yes, God loves us, He wants us to be happy, to experience joy and peace and love. I don't mean to sound all hippy-like, but I truly believe, He does. But He didn't say it would be easy, or fair. Because let's face it, so much of the time, it's not. I don't discount that at all. But, for me, no matter how tough this business of living gets, there's no way I'm taking myself out. I fought to survive, and I'll continue to fight to thrive. Somewhere deep down in me there remains this steadfast seed of hope, and faith and genuine love of life. I am grateful for that gift. I am grateful that I KNOW that I am loved, because I know that plays a big part of it. I know that I am valued and appreciated, that I matter. That if I wasn't here, so very many people (okay, not the world, the world WOULD go on, that I know) would be left hurting, empty and sad. I have had a positive effect on people, I have taught them, made them think, even, I hope, though I can't say for sure, inspired them. I am loved. I may not always be liked, in fact, I can gaurantee you I'm not always liked. But that's okay. At the end of every day, I know I am loved. And that is the difference. I think if people know they're loved, than they are more apt to stay here and stick it out. I'm not saying that people who kill themselves don't feel loved or that it's ANYONE's fault around them--because it's not. We are each responsible for our decisions, and there are some people in this world who just never "got" the fact that they were loved--maybe they weren't shown that, maybe they were shown it a ton, and just never got around to actually believing it. I don't know. It's not for me to say. What I do know is that although I've lost hope for a moment, or even two, throughout the course of my lifetime, I have never lost it enough to sincerely want to kill myself--and I never will. Nothing in this world could make me want to take myself out of it. I hope I'm not coming off as snobby or judgemental, but I just thought this episode of Touched By An Angel was so great, because, it IS a tough business---living. But it is so very, very worth it!

Thank you, Lord, for this knowledge, this hope, Your love, Your strength and Your grace!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)