Nine Days, Nine Different Ways....A Runaround & A Whole Crazy, Tragic, Sometimes Almost Magic Awful Beautiful Life.........

Yes, that last line is a song by Daryl Worley, country singer, not one of my faves, but a great song and really true at the moment......

So, it's been nine days since I last wrote. Today, is May 11th, 2005 and since I wrote we have passed the ever historical, 5/5/05....which was an okay day. That was last Thursday. Then of course, on Sunday, May 8th, we had one of my favorite hoildays, Mother's Day!

It was a GREAT Mother's Day! Even though I didn't feel well I did manage to cook dinner for my mama, get her two small gifts, decorate the white board we have and give her two cards. It was quite lovely. We made the dinner together actually, at her insistance, LOL! My mother just CANNOT sit still-even at almost 52! It's great though, she's an absolutely loving, caring, generous wonderful person if I had to do it all again, I'd most definately pick HER for my mother. She was really thrilled with everything I did, I just wish I coulda done more.

Our dinner we delicious; yummy garlicy chicken, garlicy sautee'd green beans, steamed jasmine rice and of course, salad w/ my oh so famous and scrumptious dressing! SO SO GOOD! Mmm, YUM! Mom and I are sure GREAT cooks, grandma taught us well! Thanks Gram! :)

After dinner I rubbed her hands and feet and shoulders......she totally milked it for all it was worth-that's ok though, she does a multitude of things for me each and everyday of my life. She's my confidant, my cheerleader, my teacher, my launderer, (Ms. Tidelady she is-honest!), my friend, my co-fighter and so much more! An ANGEL!!!

After all that we watched our usual Sunday Night TV, with "Desperate Housewives," and "Grey's Anatomy." Those are SUCH FABULOUS shows! Well written, funny, and GA is absolutely thought-provoking.

My mom and I know ALL the medical terms on there cuz of my medical history. It's really quite hilarious.

Anyhow, we had a great Mother's Day together and it just reminded of ALL the amazing women I have in my life. It's weird because it's such a HUGE deal for me, in my life, Mother's Day is a really big event-with LOTS of planning, cards, thought and love. Not just for my own mother, but for all the mother's I know and I know A LOT of them!

Every year I'm suprised, again, at just how many fabulous, strong, wonderful women I have in my life. My own mother, my grandmother E, and my granmda J., my best friend Ellen, my step-mom, Kim, my Aunts like Rosemary and well, yeah, and my close friends such as Nancy, Betty, Claudia, Melanie, Tammy, Debbie and so on.

On the other hand, Father's Day is such a DOWN time for me. My father, Joe, and I are just now becoming close and although I've always sent him a card, it's just been a weird day for me. All of my natural grandfathers are dead, they all died at least 9 years ago or more, my daddy Jim, the one that raised me, is possibly dead and definately out of my life, and my step-grandpa, Henry and Uncle Bob and Dad Joe are really the only people I call on Father's Day.

I send Dad and Uncle Bob a card, so I guess the money I save on Father's day makes up for the absolute buttload of cards I spend on mom and grandma and other women on Mother's Day. It's just funny though really, cuz on Mother's Day I have to start calling EVERYONE around 12pm, and I don't get done until about 2pm, maybe even 4pm if one or some of them aren't busy and have time to chat. LOL! But on Father's Day, LOL, three calls.

But, hey, at least I have those THREE calls to make and I do HAVE Hugh's dad in my life and of course Mr. Towell's a dad now too, so that's cool. I guess I just have always gotten along with women better, we understand each other more; I was NEVER a tomboy or one of the boys. Granted, I'm NOT at all afraid to get a little dirty; check the oil in my car, mow the lawn or dig in the dirt, but let's face it; I'm a complete and TOTAL GIRLY-GIRL! I ADORE makeup, clothes, hair 'dos, fashion, perfumes, candles and all of that feminine stuff!!! It's SO MUCH FUN being a girl-and a hell of a lot of work-but SO worth it! I wouldn't have it any other way! :)

Anyhow, now that I've gotten totally and completely off track, here's what I really needed to write about today..........

What's funny and ironic is: LIFE, LOVE, FAMILY, HUMAN BEINGS, and everything that comes around again and doesn't.

What's NOT funny is this......

for the last two and a half months (it'll be 3 on the 25th) is I've been very, very ill. I've had consistent nausea, heartburn, indigestion, and either diarhea or consitpation. And I have HAD IT!

I'm SO SO SO SO SO fregin' SICK & TIRED of being SICK & TIRED.

I KNOW I'm blessed, I KNOW I'm lucky, I KNOW I'm a walking MIRACLE.

I know that each and every day I wake up and function and live my life in the grand and privilaged way I do, I am given a true and precious gift.

And I DO know this. However, I also know that BEFORE February 25th, I was MUCH healthier and physically happier. I wans't happier with my life in general, I'm actually happier today, b/c being sick all the damn time makes one VERY grateful for everything that isn't sick or wrong in their life, but still......SOMETHING IS WRONG!

I KNOW something's wrong, I feel it in my gut.

It's not anything I'm doing or not doing; I eat, I don't eat, I eat healthy, I eat not healthy, I take antacids, I don't take antacids, I can't really sleep that well anymore and occasional "fun" with my boyfriend is the ONLY excerise I can muster the energy to do. I can't use my excercise band either, and I can't lift the little weights that I did and hell, most days anymore, it's an actual challange to get my ass outta bed b/c I always seem to be exhausted.

Granted, I DON'T NEED to excerise, I never did, I'm thin and before this, pretty much healthy..I took three or four pills a day and an anti depressant and an occasional inhaler for breating....but, God, I'm SO sick of this SHIT! (or lack there of it!)

I'm NOT overactive, and I NEVER ran a marathon, but still, I'm so tired of being tired and feeling icky.

It's messin' with my mind man, I'm tellin' ya. Seriously, it's REALLY starting to get to me.

Granted, my body was ALWAYS messed up, I ALWAYS had problems, I have ALWAYS had to fight, struggle and stand back up.....

But, THIS, this is RIDICULOUS! And the most RIDICULOUS part of it is, NO DOCTOR WILL FREAKING LISTEN TO ME!

I'm on that damn Medicaid, so like only 3% of the doctors in this state will even see me to begin wth, and I'm not kidding about that 3%, Medicaid is great b/c I don't EVER have pay a PENNY for ANYTHING I have done. But overall, it freakin' SUCKS! B/c I don't pay for ANYTHING, I pay in other ways. Like waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting.....I just saw my 6th doctor yesterday in 10 weeks! Yes, you heard right, 6th doctor in ten weeks.....

and THIS one is gonna take ANOTHER week or three to get ONE freakin' test ordered and done that by rights shoulda been ordered and done WEEKS ago! COME ON!

I'm sorry, I'm trying really, really hard to shut up and count my blessings and be grateful and not concentrate on it, I can't let it consume me.......but seriously, dude, ENOUGH!

I've always been one to be positive and outgoing and thankful and look on the bright side; and granted, I can still walk, talk, sit, stand, move, see, hear, taste, smell and I have hair and limbs and all my womanly parts, and my hair let me tell you is really getting absolutely beautiful! It's growing long and strong and shiny! Just PERFECT! I LOVE it!

But, even so, I have little or no energy, I'm ALWAYS fighting some kind of stomach-gastro symptom and I am SICK of waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting......and waiting..........

I REALLY don't know how my mother, or myself, did this when I was a little baby and growing child. This waiting and NOT knowing and NOT getting anywhere can really make a sane perosn INSANE!!!!

Seriously....here's the rundown:

2/25/05: Went to dinner @ Goldcoast Buffet.....got HORRIBLE, acrusiating heartburn that lasted three days......

2/28/05: Couldn't take the heartburn pain anymore, had to do something....went to UMC ER at around 12:15am that Sunday night/Monday Morning....had CAT scan, blood drawn and stool sample....was told I have gullstones and should see my regular Doctor (D. Michaels) ASAP. I should also go on a low fat diet....(yeah, I was already only 90 lbs, low-fat diet, makes perfect sense!)

2/29/05: Saw regular primary care physician Dr. Michaels, ordered lower abdomen sonogram and referred me to Dr. G. Kwak.

3/4/05: Can't go to Dr. Kwak cuz no appt. until April 30th, almost two months away, still enduring 24 hour heartburn and now almost consistent nausea.

3/6/05: Refereed to Dr. T. Pasha.

3/11/05: See Dr. Pasha, who orders Esphogram & Hydroscan of gullbladder and gives me lots of samples of Prevacid, b/c BIG surpise, Medicaid doesn't cover it.

3/16/05: Upper GI, Esophogram at SDMI on Tenaya Way @ 8am.

3/23/05: Dr. Pasha follow up, Upper GI shows no problems that weren't already there given my already previously messed up esophogus history.

3/24/05: Lower Ab Sonogram @ Dr. Michaels @ 8am

3/25/05: Hydroscan of Gullbladder @ SDMI on Maryland Pkwy @ 10am. TWO hours of lying perfectly STILL on a tiny table that barely fit me and THREE IV attempts before my veins finally decide to coorperate!

4/8/05: Dr. M. Verni, Urologist, @ 10:15am, sees Kidney problem in Sonogram, referred to by Dr. Michaels......exploring surgery scheulded for...

4/11/05: Surgery on right and only kidney @ 7:30am....everything's fine, clean bill of health, nothing wrong, Rx perscribed......

4/15/05: Dr. Michaels @ 9:45am, follow up........

4/13/05: Dr. Pasha follow up, results of Hydroscan fine, nothing's wrong, keep taking the Prevacid and see us again in six weeks.....

4/18/05: Heartburn and nasuea increase AGAIN, and tired of Pasha NOT doing much, NOT digging deeper, taking test results at face vaule and NOT ordering my medical records and history and I go to back to Dr. Michaels and ask to be referred to ANOTHER Dr....

4/29/05: Dr. J Lovett @ Cathedral Rock Way @ 1pm. Explain medical history AGAIN, hugs me and tells me he can't help me and refers me to his partner.......

5/6/05: Dr. D. Curry @ 10am. Reviews medical records (thank God) says he isn't comfortable with my situation and wants to order some more tests and send me to the Gastro Center of Las Vegas and one of HIS partners.......

5/9/05: Call Gastro Center am told that the first avail. appt. is May 17th, NO WAY am I waiting until THEN, in dier pain....pull some strings, fight ALL afternoon, and get in at 7:45am the next day.....

5/10/05: Dr. D. Desai @ GastroCenter LV, won't even order tests until HE sees me. Asks ME if I have my own medical records and SDMI test results, (apparently it's common knowledge and admittedly, I should've known this at this point, as experienced as I am at this bullcrap of a waiting game..... but let's say that the nausea and heartburn is clogging my brain-besides did you know they charge $.60 a page now, that's right, SIXTY CENTS PER PAGE! Geeze!)

5/10/05: Am told I have to WAIT AGAIN, at least ANOTHER week for the Authoriziation from Medicaid to approve the Endroscopy that will take ANOTHER week or two to acutally schedule and that MIGHT be followed by the tests that Dr. Curry requested.....

No wonder I'm stressed, drained and tired.....I'm being shuffled around like a gosh dang football...Dr's won't even SEE me to begin with and then when they do, they don't LISTEN!

Best healthcare in the world my ass? These fucking so called "doctors," or "insurance," companies are not CARING, they don't give a rat's ass about YOU, the PERSON....

you're just a number, a piece of paper and if they're not gonna get they're freakin' 2c they don't need to begin wtih....you don't get seen....

it isn't healthcare....it's WEALTH CARE!!!!

I called my Dr. in SF and you know, get this....

even if whatever I had/have is LIFE THREATENING, I could NOT under ANY circumstances go back to SF b/c they don't take Medicaid and Medicaid doesn't go to them......

Great isn't it? They'd rather a human being DIE, than lose their measly few thousands dollars!

Money is the root of all evil. I swear! Yesterday, I did my budget for this month and next and my finanical planning and god, that's depressing too....EVERYONE is broke and it take so damn much to live (and aparently live healthy) that hardly anyone can afford to save anymore...it totally SUCKS!!!!

Anyhow.........

I hate to admit this, but I'm going to, b/c maybe ONE of YOU has been through this or is going through this right now.......

You know how life disturbing this is....Dr. after Dr. after Dr............apointment after apointment after apoitment...scheduling your life around it....totally sucks....I have a whole new respect for myself and the people that go through this crap for days and weeks and months and years on end.....eeh.....

I consider myself a VERY, VERY, VERY STRONG, BRAVE, COURAGEOUS, DETERMINED, POSITIVE, LOVING, LOYAL and STEEL of a WOMAN. But yesterday, yesterday that just wasn't the woman I was or could bring myself to be.....

After going to the doctor at 7:30am and getting another frigin' run around and fighting with doctors on the phone all morning and waiting for call backs all afternoon and trying desperately to get some answers, talk to medicaid and get a medical advocate, I realized that I was hungry.

Honestly, hungry. But, Iwasn't. My stomach was empty, but my mouth didn't want anything. And that's SO not me. I LOVE to eat, heck, I LIVE TO EAT. I USED to get up in the morning just so I could eat something yummy and delicious later that day. But the thing is, now, it doesn't matter what I eat or don't eat. It doesn't matter if it's healthy, fat-free, fattening, veggies, fruit, bread, eggs, juice, coffee, fish, chicken, pork, lamb, tortillas, rice, cereal, cheese, crackers, salad, pasta.....get the point.....ANYTHING, EVERYTHING & NOTHING UPSETS MY STOMACH!!!!
So, after realizing this AGAIN, b/c this is my life or has been since Feb. 25th of this year....
(ironically the same day I got my car-Pontiac Grand Prix)....

Anyway, after ALL of that.....the last two or three months just hit me, came crashing down on me and........I just LOST it.

I just dropped the phone on the floor; exhausted, out of energy, feeling my usual nausea, with not a stitch of make up on (although I do fake healthy well with that makeup I put on so well), and just CRIED and CRIED and CRIED.......

I cried and yelled and screamed and CRIED some more. My eyes are STILL swollen this morning almost 24 hours later.

I've had many moments like this in my life; I've BEEN there. I've BEEN depressed, angry, sad, crying, upset, at my wit's end....as I'm SURE EVERYONE has...the difference is though that for the VERY first time....I'm WILLING and ABLE and READY to SHARE it.

To TALK about it, to show EVERYONE, in the hopes of helping someone else, I'm NOT perfect. I'm NOT made of actual steel, I DO have bad days, BAD MOODS, and life crisies. EVERYONE does. And this is teaching me that I am REALLY NO DIFFERENT and NO BETTER than ANYONE else on this earth. Ok, admittedly, I might be a bit SMARTER at times (everyone tells me that anyhow, I don't necessarily agree, but hey, who am I to argue?),

I HAVE MY WEAK MOMENTS. I get depressed, I yell, I question, I get frustrated and most of all, I CRY! I'm NOT a cry baby, but it IS healthy, cleansing, cathardic and I truly believe that there are certain times in life when you HAVE to go with your feelings.

See, I feel better already just sharing it and talking about it.....GREAT! Really!

Someone once said, "you don't get OVER it, you move THROUGH it." and that's SO true!!!

MOVE-ING is key, b/c as long as we're moving, even if VERY, VERY slowly and crying the whole way through, we're still MOVING. And moving is beautiful!

Moving is growing, moving is changing (something that's completely inevitable) moving is maturing and experiencing and as long as we're moving, we're OKAY! And I'M OKAY!

I may not be PERFECT, I may not be 110% STRONG and I may have something seriously wrong with my body that no one has figured out yet, but....I AM OK! And I WILL BE FINE!

I have ALWAYS survived, thrived and come out ahead, and I will do the exact same this time.

Everyone has battles, tests and trials; and each of one of those builds so much character and strength; and heck, by now, I oughtta be one HECK of a strong character of a woman! LOL! I'm really okay, today is a MUCH better day, I'm feeling a bit better physically (talking about it and praying and meditating REALLY REALLY helps ALOT) and I know, believe and feel that 90% of life, whatever it may be, really IS...MIND OVER MATTER!!!! And I can do this!

I WILL do this! I HAVE to stay strong.

I've got myself, my mother, my boyfriend, my family and friends and their prayers and most of all, I have GOD. And GOD will guide me through.

I am suddenly reminded of two Bible verses, the first one is on my name card book mark that I look at everyday that I keep on my actual beautiful bookshelf and it says:

"The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; and He knoweth them that trust in Him. Nathum 1:7"

That says that if I put my faith and trust and love and even my troubles, in HIS hands, he WILL take care of it.

The second verse is just one I heard the other day, and I don't know where it comes from in the Bible, but it's so incredibly true it says,

"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."

Because it is Him, it is God, who guides us, loves us, forgives us and leads us. He is all knowing, all loving, all seeing and He has a plan.

I know in my heart that God's plan for me is to write; to share my story, not just this little one in my series of BIG ones, but to write about others' stories, to write poetry and thoughts and prayers. So I will.

Everything that happens is for a reason, and I know that, so in the midst of this stomach struggle.....

I have to remind myself that IS for a REASON. And it is just ONE more testament to God's Will, God's Power, God's Strength, God's Love, and God's Miracles.

I KNOW God works Miracles, every single child and every single person is a walking miracle, God's worked them before in my life and He will again.

I have no doubt and I have full faith!

And that, is really all I need.

So, at the risk of sounding like an overbearing Bible babbling psychologist, I'm going to shut up. I'm going to stop, I'm going to turn off this computer, turn to God, pray, silence myself and LISTEN. Search for those answers, search for that silver lining, and just LISTEN.

The greatest answers come in silence and after that, I'm going to clean my room-it's an absolute eyesore of a mess......but just like my life, it's time to clean it up AGAIN. Another day, another chance and another new begining!

So, go out today, celebrate, live life, love and laugh....count your blessings and BE HAPPY, BE JOYFUL, and BE HERE! Live for the moment, I'm sure going to....... b/c whether or not we're sick or healthy, we're HERE. And that's a gift within itself!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart; thank you for listening and understanding and being there.

God Bless You All!

-SL