4/28/08: nothing too new, a message to a friend w/ recent insights!

The following is a message I sent my friend, Melanie, a few mintues ago, it warranted an entry! She's moving to a a new town, with a new job and anew man, sort of. She asked about my wedding and relationship with Colin, this is what I wrote to her:
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Melanie, going away to a new place with new people and a new house, or any of the above, is always very scary... But I have to say; moving out of my mothers' house (in the same town with a then boyfriend I'd been been with for almost 9 months) was by far the SCARIEST thing I've EVER done!!! Leaving home, or anything can be frightening, but it can also be the BEST THING EVER!!!! I'm SO glad I did it! I wish you the best of luck in your new life! Change is good, it makes you pause, reflect and grow, and that's always a great thing!

Now, this guy, that's terrific! I talked to my ex, for almost 6 weeks before I moved in to Vegas (I moved here in late 2003, before which, I was in Reno--where I was born and raised)..anyway, he and I talked for hours upon hours upon hours, usually all night long--long before we ever met face to face! I've actually met ALL of my boyfriends (okay, only 3 of them really, including my future husband, Colin) online, and it's worked out well. My only precaution is don't build this young man up to something he'll only disapoint. EVERYONE is human and when you're online, behind a screen, it's VERY EASY to mis-represent yourself and misinterpret things....at least romantically speaking! I'm just saying, we've all done it! Myself included. Just take your time, I think getting to know someone before you actually meet them face to face, can be wonderful, romantic and amazing! I'm SO happy for you!

Now, my wedding! Well, getting married finally hit my Colin and I think he's a bit nervous, which is to be expected! His responsibilities are greater now and well, I'm no cake walk...so, honestly, putting up with me, for a lifetime, God Bless Him! LOL! But, he's doing great! He is So sweet and cute! He's a great listener, extremely loyal, very family oriented, terrific with children, romantic and thoughtful, supportive of me, my close relationship with my family, he's supportive of my writing, always asks my opinion on things/decisions, he's a great cook and even cleans! He's downright amazing! He's human, mind you, and can be a big pain in the ass, but so can I, so wer'e even! LOL! My friend Claudia said that "if it has wheels or a a private part different than your own, it's gonna give you trouble!" And I totally agree with that because it's so true! But, he's totally worth it!!! I wouldn't trade him for the world...I think Colin and I both hit the jackpot when we get each other! And I'm so excited to have a wedding and be marrying him! He's always wanted to be married, and I know he's happy and excited too! The best part is, I'm out of work and have bene for some time and he's very supportive of what it takes for me to go back to work, he's a manager at Office Depot and is so superb at what he does! I can't believe it, I'm SO proud of him! He's such a hard worker and so good with people! I love him, can you tell?
That being said, the closer it gets (our wedding), the more ready I am. Or at least, as ready as you can be!

Being engaged and getting married CHANGES EVERYTHING....EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING...in good ways and bad ways and weird ways...the way you look at yourself, your life, your parents, your relationships with everyone around you.

I am sincerely and honestly the HAPPIEST I've ever been...I feel more settled, content and for the first time in my entire life, I do not feel alone!

I've got a best friend and a partner....for life, and that's downright awesome and amazing!

That being said, being engaged in itself is SUCH a JOURNEY, and it's THE most emotional time of my entire life! I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm a bit scared, I'm stressed, I'm in love, I am happy to be getting married and sad to be letting go of everything to do with my childhood or former life.....I'm elated to never have to date again, and yet, I'm sad that I'll never have those "firsts" again...you know, first date, first kiss, first "I love you's".....every decison in my life now is based around US...not just me, and that's wonderful and beautiful, but also very sobering!

All and all, though, Melanie..I wouldn't trade it for the world! Being engaged and being with Colin and growing WITH him, it the VERY BEST thing that's ever happened to me! Every day I am reminded of how blessed I am to have found a good man who's willing and able to stand beside me no matter what life may bring! That's very special and unique and hard to find these days, so I treasure it greatly!

We have our ups and downs, and we're both very stubborn, passionate people...but our arguements are getting further and farther between and over quicker...we're just taking it one day at a time and kind of making it up as we go along. That's what you have to do!
What I've realized is...you have to tend to this relationship EVERY day, you have to put yourself in your partner's shoes EVERY DAY, you have to not take each other for granted and come out of yourself in so very many ways!

But, you also have to give each other a lot of breaks and a lot of patience and a lot of forgiveness, you have to allow each other to be human and screw up and know when to let it go, when to apologize and when to call them on their bullshit! LOL! Honestly, Colin and I are very good at all of the above! LOL!

The other thing I've realized is that you have to plan your marriage and tend to it...and then, you get to plan a WEDDING!!! Which is totally fun and terrific! But it's also totally stressful, expensive, mind-boggling and seemingly never-ending! LOL! It takes a lot of compromise, patience and MATH...I never thought I'd use this much math in my life! LOL! Honestly! I'm wishing I'd paid closer attention or gotten better grades in math class! LOL! But it's fun...it's THE MOST EXCITING THING EVER and I LOVE IT!

I've also learned this: at the end of the day it's about US, me and Colin, and OUR love and OUR commitment...it's not about table cloths or flowers...and it's OUR day....end of story.

I've also learned that you can read all the books, magazines and articles on wedding, marriage and relationships, but the reality is this: the only two people who know what REALLY goes in a relationship are the two people in it, and their something to be said for keeping things between the two of you, privacy, and not airing out EVERYTHING that happens between the two of you to everyone in sight! (My biggest relationship mistake across the board!).

That's not to mean I have big dark secrets or that I don't share things, I just have learned to respect the sacredness of this relatinoship, and honor our mututal requests to keep some things to ourselves, that's important! And the only two people that know what will work for them, in their relationship, are the two people in it, that's important also!

Colin has made me a better person; I was good to begin with, but now...I'm more patient, more forgiving, less-judgemental...that being said...I don't take his shit, either! And I never will, and he knows it!

Just this morning he was having a rough morning and I reminded him of the reality of the life we've chosen! Sometimes, it does suck, but it is what is! Not every moment of life can be bright, happy and uplifting! And sometimes, life sucks, I totally agree with him! :)

Both me and Colin demand respect from each other, because it's so vitally necessary. Actually, I think it comes before love, and I alwas have. Because it's really hard to love someone you don't respect, you know! Truthfully, it is, I learned that last time around with my ex!

Anyway, Colin and I are both changing and growing in so many ways and I'm so very proud of us both...and we get to do it together for the rest of our lives, and that's great! And I don't blame him for beign scared, if he is, I was...I was scared beyond words, but now, I'm totally okay! I'm looking so foward to my wedding AND my marriage! It'll be So much FUN! I can't wait to be his wife! And have him as my husband! We are truly blessed!

The other thing is, I've let Colin become my true best friend. And I make sure I'm his!

I've learned to stop trying to juggle everyone; if you've noticed, I've not been as available to all of you as I used to be. That's hard for me, but it's something that I did very wrong last time around and I don't intend to repeat the mistake. Colin puts me first most of the time, and I need to do the same for him. You have to make your man a priority, or at least your fiancee'! LOL!

That doesn't mean that he's my WHOLE ENTIRE life. That doesn't mean that I won't continue to have my friendships, hobbies, interests or time for myself! I need that and I crave it, and losing either of those would be downright stupid, foolish and crazy! I'm not willing to lose myself to be his wife; however, I've learned that I can have both, and that marriage doesn't mean losing myself, it means expanding myself! That's another great thing about Colin, is, he's never asked me to give up anything concerning my friends, other relationships or interests, and if he did, I wouldn't be marrying him!

For sure, I will never forget to continue to love and enjoy my friends and make them priorities at times too...because I absolutely will!

I NEVER want to become the woman that gets so caught up in her husband that she forgets and neglects who SHE is...especially when it comes to her friends! But, Colin is my friend too and he's earned his place in my life! You know!

My friends, you, are extremely important to me...I couldn't do this or get through anything in life without you....and I mean that.

So finding a balance between nuturing it all (my relationship with Colin, my friendships w/ all of you), and being true to myself, my fiancee' and my friends...THAT has been the hardest part for me.

I think, as women, myself included, we want to be everything to everyone at the SAME time, and that just can't/doesn't happen...we're all human and there's only so many hours in the day! But, what I've decided is that my priorities can shift and change on a daily basis, with the 1 priority being my family--that of which now includes Colin! That's the saddest part and the most wonderful, miraculous part...all at once, it's weird! LOL! But, seriously, you can LIVE with someone and STILL NEVER see them if you don't make it a priority sometimes! Very odd, but true!

Anyway, I don't know why this has turned into a short novel! I really didn't mean for it too! I'm sorry. I guess I just needed to share some things, and I feel like you'll listen and not judge me! Thank you for that, that is a gift! You, my dear, dear friends, are among my many blessings in this life and I thank you for being my friend!

In conclusion, yes, I'm VERY EXCTIED about my wedding, I'm PROUD of you for your grades and taking a chance on a new life and a new man! ! Best of luck with everything! Take care of yourself and BE TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE...and actually, that can incllude having a man!
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Thank you Lord for this beautiful day, my strength and my family!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. I really miss my cousin Carla today! I miss talking to her! I also miss my Aunt Patti, Carla's mom, I never really knew her much, but I hear I'm a lot like her and wish I could've known her more before she died whenI was 6. I don't know, perhaps those angels are around me today, one can hope! I really do believe in guardian angels and I believe our deceased loved ones do watch over and protect us. Anyway, here's to angels and love and family--past, present and future! : ) -SL