Taking my own advice: love, prayer & forgiveness, and their unbelievable power!

Yes, somedays are better than others! Somedays start out feeling like such a challenge, and end up being great! (Like yesterday) Other days just remain an internal challenge all day long! What am I talking about? Yesterday. Let's just say that the clouds in the sky yesterday morning protruded into my heart. It was one of those days I found myself up and down and back and forth. On many things. I hate it when I feel I can't get my point across to someone, or when I feel I'm completely misunderstood. But, I'm learning to let things go. I'm learning to just be and pray in the moment of emotional upheavel. I meditate, or try to, every day. And I pray every morning before my feet even hit the floor, and every night, when I get into bed. And often times, I pray throughout the day. But, in the middle of feeling misunderstood or frustrated or angry, well, I'm human. Sometimes, I need to remember to pray during those times too, and see myself and the person I'm frustrated with, as God would see us. With love and forgiveness; and often kindness. I have to remember that only God can judge, that's not my job. It's so difficult sometimes; I'm definately one of those people who is so steadfast in her faith and yet questions it sometimes too. I never question God. I just question His testing skills; they're highly inconvenant and unfair, sometimes! I think most people would agree! Anyway, that's that. The day is over and life is rarely easy, I of all people should know that. So, I wrote a letter to my mom. Since I moved out of her house about eleven months ago, we've been having a hard time. We've been up and down and back and forth. We've fought MORE since I've not lived with her, than we ever fought when I did. I don't know if that's because that's our MO, and how we were adjusting to the changes of living apart. Or if we just saved an entire lifetime of fighting and decided to do it all in one year! LOL! (Seriously, it felt like it sometimes!). Or, if we needed to argue because it was easier to mad and frustrated with eachother, because it was easier than admitting to how much our lives have changed, are chagning, and will continue to change. Maybe being angry and snippy was our way of coping with finally being forced to be two seperate people, NOT connected at the hip, I don't know. But, whatever it was, it got old, really fast. I love my mother so much. I mean I really love my mom. And I respect her too--so much! But, so many times, well, those weren't always so evident. I hate fighting with my mom, and with Colin....anyone else in this life, I can argue with and still function. Those two, forget it. You know the saying that those you love the most are the ones you'll hurt the most and who will make you the MOST angry. So very true, my friends, so very, very true! But, the other night, I stayed up quite late. I read all about my VATER Syndrome and other medical catastrophees I've faced, and I cried. I cried for myself and for my mom. And I don't know why, but something shifted in me. Something changed. I began to see my mom in a different light, in a lighter, better way. The truth is: being a parent is incredibly difficult, and endless and maddening. (Most) All parents mess up and all parents do the very best they can with what they have and what they know. I will mess up too! In the long run though, us kids are our OWN people. We cannot spend our lives blaming our parents for OUR choices, OUR shortcomings and OUR disapointments. Perhaps when you're younger you can, but at 24, not so much. I realized that it's time to call my mom out on some crap, own up to my own crap and mistakes, and forgive and let go. So I did. I wrote her a long letter in which I stated every way I thought she messed up, every way I thought I did, and every way I love, respect, admire and appreciate her. I tried to be honest and real, yet civil and mature. I don't know of a soul out there who has absolutely no issues with their parents, especially their moms if they're a daughter. My (to be) daughter will have issues with me too, I won't be a perfect mother either, believe me. If you think you have no issues with your parents, you're either unequivecally perfect or lying to yourself--through your teeth! But, I'd like to think I'm a grown up. (Most days!) Or at least I try to be one! I'd like to think I'm real and genuine and honest. And let's face it, honesty ain't always pretty and sometimes the truth does hurt. But it's better to state the truth, based on love, and seeped in forgiveness, than to stuff it away, smash it down and have it bite you in the butt years and years later. So, I'm trying to get real in my life. I'm trying to let go of things and move foward. I've to an impending marriage, and I can't carry the same load of crap baggage around my entire life, I just can't. It's quite exhausting. So, because of all of this, I wrote my mom that letter. I told her exactly how I felt about pretty much everything. And more importantly, I told her how I appreciated her, and respected her and loved her. I told her how much I will always want/need her in my life, because you know what, a spouse is great, but no one will ever be your mother, except your mother. And thank God for that, right?! LOL! Seriously, though, even Colin would agree; even though he's a man....your mom is always your mom. You can be seperated, not speaking, totally loving each other and getting along or have nothing to do with one another at all; but, she's still your mother. And I just think, for me at least, my world goes better and I run better when things are calmer with my mother. Life is hard enough, so to make it less hard, I decided be honest, forgive and move foward. And I'm so glad I did. I'm so proud of myself for having the courage to write that letter, and of my mom, for taking it so well. It's one of the few times we've not talked about something in our lives; and I think in this case, that's a good thing. I think I said all I needed to say in the letter and she heard what she needed to hear. So, that's that. This morning, on the phone, she was upbeat, more positive and I felt a connection. I don't expect my mother to be perfect, we all have our bad days and our down times. We all make mistakes and we're all imperfect we're human. But sometimes, well, you just have to buck up, grow up and move foward! And I'm so glad my mom and I are doing that now! So glad! Did I mention I'm proud too?! 'Cause I am, very proud! So, that's where I am this morning. Happy, rested, proud and content! I'm going to clean my a few things today, rest some more, meditate and just enjoy my favorite day of the week! I just love Sundays! :) And it's nice to have the day to myself today, most Sundays when Colin has to work, I hate it. But, today, well, it's nice to be on my own and have my space! I still love him though, and it's only 10:20, I bet you I miss him by noon! LOL! That's how I am, kooky, and in love! This feminist needs her man for sure! And I'll no doubt be very happy to see him tonight! :) Thank you Lord for this day, my Colin, my mom and my entire life--it's pretty great!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)