Moments in a Marriage! (Or an almost marriage!)

I am sitting here at my kitchen table typing away on our laptop computer. There are so many things going through my mind right now; past, present and future all at once. I was headed back to work tomorrow, at a place called Opportunity Villiage, but my Vocational Rehab Counselor and I decided that since I've never actually worked in an office environment and have absolutely no clerical experience, doing my work-study at Goodwill would be the better choice! I'll start sometime very soon and I will go every day Monday through Friday for four hours. Truth be told, I'm a little scared. I'm excited and inspire and nervous.. I KNOW I'll do great, I will totally kick butt in whatever work environment I happen upon, but it IS kind of scary going out into the working world, being the "new girl," putting yourself out there and attemtping to make it as a responsible adult. Another truth: I'm really going to miss sleeping in; today and Sunday, I didn't get up until 12:30pm....of course, I didn't go to bed until 2 or 3 am both nights either, (stayed up with Colin) but still. I LOVE sleeping in. I used to not like it, for a while there, I stopped liking sleeping in, but now, I feel like a kid again, sleeping in and LOVING it! Let's make it clear that I don't sleep in EVERY day and when I'm up, I'm totally up and doing things; running errands, lightly cleaning, cooking, making phone calls, being my mom and Colin's personal secretary, etc, etc, etc. So it's not like I'm a lazy bum who does NOTHING...not at all. But, still, sleeping in lately has been really great! What I'm going to miss most though, when I go to work, is staying up with Colin! He's a major night owl and is a loner in the morning, so really, most of our time together is spent in the evenings. I'm night owl too, I guess you could say, but not as much as Colin. Most nights, I have to fight to stay awake while sitting up with him on the couch. But, it's worth it. I love our quiet nights at home. Hanging out. On Sunday, I didn't think I missed him that much, but then, when I heard the garage door go up and his car pull in, I suddenly got butterflies in my tummy. I hadn't realized how much happy I was that he was finally home. It was odd. I got all smiley and happy and didn't even bother waiting (like I usually do) for our "welcome home" hug! I was so happt to see him! It was a great feeling, because honestly, sometimes, living together, answering to someone, sharing chores and bills and moms and life...it's difficult. No more difficult than anyone else, I'm sure. But, difficult none the less. This marriage thing, or pre-marriage thing, is so much harder than I thought it would be, at times, and then, at other times, it's so much easier and almost effortless. We spent all of Saturday together without phone calls or emails and it was truly wonderful! We got a lot done around the house although we had intended to do absolutely nothing; newflash--adults don't get entire days off most of the time. Days off are days for getting OTHER stuff done. We had a great none the less. It was great to just hang out together, privately, without interuption from the real world! There's a sacredness to being engaged/married. I'm realizing that, or rather, re-realizing that. As much as we love our families and as fantastic as they are, sometimes, you need to know when to hang a preverbial "do not disturb," sign on your private life/weekend together and just BE--just the two of you. I will admit, it was somewhat awkward NOT talking to ANYONE else on Saturday, but I did it, and I'm so glad! I think we need to do it more often! House work never ends, though, that's what I'm learning. Even on the days I decide to do "nothing," I still do something, and usually, I end up doing a lot of something(s). Sometimes I feel like all I do is clean or organize or pick crap up. Serioulsy! But, then again, there ARE more important things in life than a really clean house and sometimes, I need to mellow the heck out and not quite be so MUCH my mother's daughter! However, I know that Colin and I both enjoy having a nice clean, picked up home. It makes life easier and breezier. I'm not really sure why, it just does! Anyway, the point is, despite all of the hassles of adulthood and running a home together, and the unbelivable stress that it can sometimes bring, you know, we're still in love! Somedays, well, perhaps not as intensely as others, but still, we're in love! Today, I find myself thinking of all the ways my life is about to change, yet again! I feel like I just got used to my new life; you know, life out of my mother's house, in my own home with my man, (OUR home, sorry babe!); and now, I'm going to work and school and will be OFFICIALLY married! Just when you think you get comfy, life has other plans! Not bad plans, big, beautiful plans! I'm HAPPY that everything is headed where it's headed, in fact, I coudln't be happier! I feel such a sense of accomplishment in my life right now; like I'm really getting my shit together! Truthfully! But I wouldn't and couldn't be doing all of this, and be as happy as I am, without Colin! Yesterday was 8 months from our wedding, and today, the wedding countdown ticker says there's 243 days until our wedding and WOW...it's coming up fast! There's still so much to do concerning it and to be quite honest, how the heck I'm going to work, go to school, move AND plan the last (and most stressful) stages of a wedding all at the same time, I have NO idea! I just will! I do prefer being busy. I like equal parts of busy-ness and downtime. I need a little of each in my every day life to feel good about it, you know! I don't want my life to be so busy that I'm not living it conciously or don't remember it; but I also don't want to have so much downtime and be so bored that I feel as though I'm doing nothing with my life! So anyway, my life is on the verge of change! Tomrrow will be one year and eight months since mine and Colin's very first conversation! 20 months! 20 months of ups and downs and victories and struggles and re-arranging and riding by the seat of our pants! Both of our lives have chaged in more ways than we can count. But, that's a good thing, a very good thing! We're growing up, we're becoming more self-sufficient (or at least I am, he kind of always was), we're growing TOGETHER! And really, that's all I can ask for! I have an amazing partner and friend and confidant. I am so lucky! That's not say that he doens't piss me off to no end or drive me nuts! I do the same to him, I'm no cake walk myself! But, it is SO worth it. The feeling and assurance of having a partner, a pal, a confidant...that feeling of no matter what, they're there for you and with you; that is absolutely positively amazing, wonderful and re-assuring! It makes every little arguement and misunderstanding worth it! That's what marriage is--you just work it out. It may be tough, it may be easy, it may be great, it may be complicated, but it is what it is and honestly, I wouldn't trade it for the world! The other day, I ran into some elderly folks. Two couples that had been married for over 50 years....FIFTY YEARS!! I thought "damn! How?!" I mean, I'm not even into ACTUAL/LEGAL marriage yet, but I am in almost two years with the same man, and crap! That's like 48 more years to go! Like, FOREVER! Okay, now, I've talked with my friends Sarah and Kari and they say that SOMETIMES..it hits them too, that marriage IS forerver and like "oh my God!" Not necessarily in a bad way, but even MARRIED for a long time couples face that reality once in a while, like "seriously? You? Forever." I'm probably getting myself into deep shit here by saying that. But, it IS a LONG time! To stand up and take someone good, bad, ugly and indifferent, in front of God, family and friends is amazing and wonderful and overwhelming! But to actually LIVE it...WOW! A whole different story entirely! Part of me is SO excited for the next 48 years, I can't even stand it, I'll be 75 years old when we're married for 50 years! Me, 75!!! That's only a few years younger than my grandma is now! Really! Of course, he'll be 79 at that point, wow! And I can TOTALLY see that! I really can! I have no doubts about that, I can totally see us together at that age, STILL together, old and gray and grandparents! (If the world as we know is still here, that is!). But, man, sometimes, looking back on the past, well, I'll say YEAR, (hence living together and adjusting to that), well, yeah, 48, 50 years seems like a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time! And it is, no doubt! But, anyhow; these two couples who had been married 50 plus years, they were truly inspiring! You hardly see that anymore. It's rare and beautiful! It inspires me and motivates me. I WANT to celebrate my 50th anniversary with my Colin! I WANT to be go through all the UPS and DOWNS of life with him! I WANT to be still standing STRONG and HAPPY in our latter years! And I want to keep falling in love each other over and over and over again! I think, and my friend Sarah agrees with me, that soemtimes, you're NOT so in love your man. Real life gets in the way! You always love them, but there are just days or moments when, it's like "oh my gosh! he did WHAT?" When you cannot believe the stupidity that human beings are--ourselvesIincluded in that. I'm sure our men would/could/ do feel the exact same way about us! But, the great part about being committed/married, is that you get to keep falling in love with the same person for the rest of your life!

I want to keep falling in love with each other over and over and over again! I think, and my friend Sarah agrees with me, that soemtimes, you're NOT so in love your man. Real life gets in the way! You know, bills, chores, families, difference of opinions, etc, etc. You always love them, but there are just days or moments when, it's like "oh my gosh! he did WHAT?" When you cannot believe the stupidity that human beings are--ourselves Iincluded in that. I'm sure our men would/could/ do feel the exact same way about us! But...

The great part about being committed/married, is that you get to keep falling in love with the same person for the rest of your life!

Sure, it's difficult sometimes. Insanely, endlessly confusingly difficult. You'll have moments when you make each other angrier than any other human being on the planet. When you have to stop yourself from slapping them upside the head. Of course, you don't, but oh boy, do you want to! You'll hurt eachother (usually inadvertently), you'll say things you don't mean and later regret. You'll test each other; sometimes conciously, sometimes unconciously. Hopefully, the older you get, less conciously. You'll go to bat over the seemingly STUPIDEST things that seem oh so important at the time. You'll drive each other absolutely crazy and not always in a good way. You'll argue over who does what and why. You'll have moments of being purely misunderstood. You'll have meoments where you think "I do NOT need this crap," and perhaps, once in a great while, you'll wonder if it's even really woth it. But, then you'll realize it is, and get over it faster than you thought you could. You'll get over yourself too, marriage/parntership forces you to do so. You'll disapoint one another and fall short of unspoken, often unknown, expectations. You'll build each other up and perhaps, in a weak, immature moment void of thinking before you speak, you might even tear each other down. You'll be short and snippy when you're tired and stressed. And you will be tired and stressed; especially if you have kids! You'll wear each other out and test your own internal strength. You'll struggle with the balance of being who YOU are, as a seperate indivisual, and who you are as a partner and a team. You'll learn to agree to disagree and balance your own interest with theirs. You'll probably argue over money and different upbringings; eventually, you'll come to accept all your differences--regardless of their origin, but you'll struggle in the journey to do so. You'll say stupid things and hurt each other's feelings and perhaps, at times, question each other's respect. You'll learn the tiny line between total honesty and plain cruelty. You'll flip a coin to decide whose reliatives the holidays will be spent at this year and be forced to get used to the feeling of missing your own family, all the while, so appreciatively, being a part of theirs. But you're also learn to always honor their family because it means also honoring them. You'll learn to compromise on what goes in the cart at the grocery store and who gets to pick the music in the car! You'll fight over the temprature of the bedroom at night as well the covers you sleep under! You'll realize the importance of never out-right lying to your partner and the snowball effect that one single lie can have. You'll call each other out on your personal bullcrap and keep each other on the straight and narrow as best you can. And much like syblings, YOU can joke with your spouse and even about them sometiems, but God help the person (regardless of who they are) who does it for you. You'll argue over possibly where to live and how many bedrooms you'll really need. And, of course, you'll fight over the remote control too!

But MORE IMPORTANTLY, and MOST OF ALL:
You'll care for and about each other more than you ever knew you were capable of. Your definition of love will take on a whole new meaning, and you will love each other more than you ever thought you could. You will love each other so much, and so greatly; that your heart will soar! You'll realize that your own life, your own needs and happiness often take a backseat to that of your parnter, and as long as you don't forget who you are entirely, that's more than okay. You'll suprise and amaze each other beyond your sweetest, wildest dreams! There will be moments of pure unadulterated bliss, complete happiness and total joy! You'll experiene an overwhelming amount of pride for the partner you chose, and the person/partner they become! You'll have moments of being so unabashedly and unapologetically in love that you don't care who thinks what or why! You'll have moments that are so pure and so sweet that you would give your left arm to experience them again and again! You'll have days when you'll feel like you could conquer the world together, and days that you'll feel defeated together, but you'll also know that as long as you are together--that's all you truly need! You'll have moments when you realize that you are FAR STRONGER TOGETHER, than you could ever be apart. You'll realize that you DO have it in you and that being a partner makes you constantly grow in more ways than you could imagine! You'll have moments of being so understood and pegged by someone that will be no need for words, or apologies for tears. You'll come to know and understand the liberating power of forgiveness. You'll also re-learn the meaning of the words "magical," and "miraculous." You'll have moments of self-induced vacations from the world and moments when you realize that right here and right now, is all that really matters! You'll have moments when you'll be so proud of yourselves as a couple and realize the total awesomeness that comes from being a complete team. You'll have moments where you go to bat not WITH each other, but FOR each other. You'll moments of knowing that all you need is the world at this moment is a good, long hug from your spouse. Moments where their lips against yours is the sweetest, most wonderful touch you've ever experienced! You'll have moments of being so intimate without sex, that the word intimate, will take on a new meaning. You'll have moments of total closeness and feelings of being one and the same. You'll have moments of simply needing to hold your partners hands, and feel the love, strength and kindness behind them. You'll have moments when the thought of them produces butterflies and makes you feel like a little kid all over again; and sometimes, if you're really lucky, once in a great while, you'll feel like a grown up little kid with a little more expeirence, who still gets really excited when Christmas comes around. And then you realize, that with love like this, Christmas can come anytime! You'll take great joy in creating your own special holidays and new holiday traditions together! You'll have moments when the depth of someone else's love for you brings you to your knees and humbles you to your core. You'll have moments when you look back and think of all the good times and not so good times together, and once again, you'll realize how downright miraculous life together can be. You'll have moments where just looking at your partner produces the widest grin and happiest smile you've ever worn! And you'll have moments that are delicate, beautiful and amazing beyond words! Moments that you couldn't describe if you knew every language in the world. And moments that no one on this earth will ever experience nor ever or understand quite the way the two of you do. And most of all, you'll probbaly have many, many moments that are somewhere in between all of the moments mentioned above!

Yes, THAT is what coupledom and marriage is to me; so far! Much like life, it's FULL of ups and downs, and hopefully, mostly Ups! Nothing is ever what it seems, and I still believe that the only two people that truly know what go on in a realationship are the two people in it! But that's what makes it beautiful and sacred and downright miraculous!

These older couples I met, the ones that had been for over half a century, they were incredible! One couple referred to each other as "handsome," and "sweetheart." How sweet is that?! Aww, it just made my heart melt and being around them was nothing short of motivating! So, here's to marriage, and all of the moments it entails!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)