I Am Strong, I Will Survive!

My own strength astounds me sometimes.

I know a lot of people have been through a lot of stuff. I know there are many people going through a lot of stuff. I know that there a lot of incredibly strong people out there and people who have survived unthinkable things. But, when I sit and think about what has gone in my life lately, or for the majority of it even, I am impressed. I am quite strong.

I absolutely give credit where credit is due, I have to do that and I love doing that. The first credit goes to God, and then to my mom and the rest of my family, and current amazing support group of fabulous friends! We all know that. It is true that I would not, and could not, get through this without them. But, at twenty-six, I've decided, it's time to give myself a little credit too.

I think knowing your own strength is a necessary for sanity. It is something that we all should know, and too often, we do not. The fortunate part of being tested in this life is that if we're open to it, eventually, we do learn just how darn strong we are.

At the end of the day, the only real person we can depend on, the only real person we have to put up with, is ourselves. It's easier to depend on someone you know can handle it, especially if that someone is you.

It isn't always easy, and we all have our moments. Shoot, last week, I was a mess. I was sad and depressed and questioning a lot of things. But I knew that that would pass, and I would come around again--I would return to that feeling of strength and endurance. And I did.

It occurred to me sitting in the Dr'.s. office this morning, I am one damn strong woman!

I don't often think about my own strength, but I hear about a lot. And you know what, everyone who says I am strong is absolutely correct. I am fiercely strong.

I think in the middle of things, you just kind of get through them and it isn't until you look back and go "Wow! I did that!" or "Holy crap, I survived that!"

Just because I'm saying I'm strong, though, doesn't mean I think I'm "all that," because I'm not.

I am not perfect, I am not easy, I am not even 99% optimistic anymore. I am flawed. But, even with all of that, I am still strong.

Five or ten years ago, the word I would've used to describe myself was "Determined," now, the word I use to describe myself is "Strong". Not because I'm no longer determined, but because I am more so strong than anything else.

Granted, being such a strong person wasn't something I had an option of being. It was either be strong, and survive, or curl up die. I chose strength, and I chose life. (And I'm so glad I did!)

My life today is so far removed from the hospital and the medical world. But, sometimes, it comes slamming back into my life in completely unexpected ways. Today was one of those days. I've had constant heartburn for 3 weeks now so I had to go see a stomach/esophagus doctor. As I was explaining my medical history to him, he doctor got a little nervous. I had to laugh at that, because to me, it's no longer a big deal--it's just my life. I've never known different, and every time I think I do, my body likes to remind me that I don't. I have to go in for an Esophagus Scope in a few weeks. It's been over five years since I've had to be knocked out for something, and yes, I am scared. I'm not terrified, and I know I'll get through it, it's really not the huge of a deal. I knew an Esophagus Scope is what the Dr. would tell me I needed, and I know it needs to be done. But, when I walked out of the office, I teared up a little. I didn't expect to tear up, I just did.

Then, I thought to myself "Sarah, you will get through this. This is really no big deal, you've done this many times before, and you are strong. You are so strong. You've been through ten times worse, and you'll get through it. And hey, with the way life is going lately, at least you'll get a damn good nap!"

That is honestly how I feel about it.

I don't want to be sick again like I was! I am grateful every single day--no matter what--for my health and ability to walk, talk, see, hear, sit, stand and breathe on my own. Those are all big beautiful miracles in my life!

But, for the past few months, a lot of other people in my life has been sick. For the first time ever, I am the healthier one. I'm not totally healthy, I'll always have on-going problems, medically speaking, but lately, I've consistently been on the outside of hospital walls--and now I won't be. Part of me is relieved, because I know I'll get well from this, but part of me has very mixed feeling about it.

Being on the outside of hospital walls is a great thing! What's not a great thing is that since June of this year, at various times, my husband, my mother, my grandmother, my father and one of my best friends have been inside the hospital. And yes, I'm sure it is stress that causing a lot of this for me now (I have to keep telling myself to practice what I preach--to not ask how, to just let go and let God!) But, it is totally freaky to me that most of the time, I'm the Visitor now, (in the hospital) and not the patient. I'm grateful for it, but it's weird.

That being said, a part of me misses being the one in the bed. Because as it turns out, life on this side of the hospital bed isn't always so easy. The Dr. asked me today if I had the same stress's as everyone else, to which I replied "Yes, I do, actually." And that's astounding to me.

It's astounding to me that I am strong enough to balance the two in my life--being the patient and the visitor. A part of me misses being the patient, because when you are the patient, your only responsibility is to get well--that's it. I know I need to be careful what I wish for, and like I said, I really have no desire to ever be as sick as I was, ever again. But, sometimes, it is alluring, because sometimes, that life was easier than the one I live today.

I am so not going for a pity party here. I don't feel sorry for myself, at all. My life today is not any harder than anyone else's. And I don't want anyone else to feel sorry for me, either. I live a tremendously blessed life. I have incredibly wonderful people in it. I have so many things to be thankful for it's almost ridiculous. And I am grateful for all of it, every day.

But, it just amazes me that I'm doing it. That I'm living this life. That when I tell my story to others, I hear it in almost a third person kind of way and then, and only then, does it dawn me that "wow, I'm still here." That must mean I'm strong.

It honestly amazes me, and tickles me, that I'm leading the life I am. It amazes me that I'm coping with it. That I'm willing and able to be there for my family and friends. That I'm open to learning new things every day. That I'm willing to always look for the lesson in whatever it is life throws at me. It amazes me--quite honestly--that I am walking, talking, eating and breathing on my own. That I can go to the bathroom and sit down and go--without a problem. That I can speak, and hear and see. It amazes me that I'm not a bitter, angry, cynical person (most days). It amazes me that I still want to get out of bed each day--that I can feel the nip of the Autumn air and savor it. It amazes me that I can look up and see trees blowing in the wind, and appreciate them--and the blue sky too. It amazes me that I can sit here and type and write and marvel at how wondrous life is. It amazes me that I'm not in a psyche ward, or a recreational drug user. Because, I think, in reality, most of us are all about two to five steps from either one of those. I've honestly never had a desire to use drugs, it would just compound my problems and nothing good ever comes from them. But, it amazes me that I look at my life as a blessing, and a gift, and that I can lean into my pain or sadness and not constantly run from it. It amazes me that I am willing to look at it, and look at myself, and learn from others. It amazes me that still have faith in a God who has spent most of my life testing me. (Yes, I know, He tests everyone, it's not personal.) And most of all, it amazes me that I am still so strong.

I can survive anything. I know that. I don't know a lot about this life, but I do know this: I am strong. I am incredibly, tremendously, unbelievably STRONG!

Are there days when I'm weak? Yes. Have I realized that it's okay to not be the strong one all the darn time? Yes. Have I learned the importance of admitting to it when I don't want to be strong, or when I am feeling weak? Yes. It's utterly important.

But, overall, at the end of the day, I am just strong.

I don't even think it's a "because I have to be" kind of thing anymore--I have had to be, but now, I'm an adult. I make my own choices. I could choose to be weak all the time, and bitter all the time, and withdraw and retreat. But, I don't. While I do have my moments, most days--I choose to face life head on.

I choose to keep learning. I choose to keep enjoying and loving and living. That choice is mine, and I choose to be strong.

I get a lot of my strength from the people in my life, they are fiercely strong too. That old saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," is so true.

I'm not invincible, and I'm certainly not immortal. Eventually, I will die. I just know that, it's kind of a fact for everyone, whether they want to face it or not. I'm in NO hurry to do that, I'm too busy learning from and loving life. Because despite everything, it really is a magnificent blessing, and yes, I truly still believe that.

The point is, I know that no matter what life throws at me. Even if I am temporarily broken by it, eventually, I WILL overcome it. I WILL seize the moment, learn the lesson, look for the good and I WILL survive it....

I will survive it because that's all I have done and that's all any of us can do. Because lying down and/or going side ways is not an option. I will survive, and I will thrive, as long as I choose too.

Most of all, I will survive anything because I am incredibly, tremendously strong.....and "only the strong survive"!

Here's to every one's strength, everywhere--thank You, Lord, for my own.

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. Yes, this post was written more for myself than anyone else, and my grandma too--I'm not ready to talk about it yet, but let's just say she needs to find her will to live again.

I am not just strong, I have a strong will to live and I have a passion for life--both are necessary for any kind of good life.