Greiving for Nellie, but Life Is (Still) Beautiful!

I'm going to be honest, I'm a little blue today. I'm not totally down in the dumps, angry, sad "my life sucks" depressed, but I am a bit--shall I say, melancholy?

First of all, I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY miss my Nellie. A lot. It hit me especially hard this past weekend when I came home from a trip to Ohio/Kentucky and for the first time in over 16 years, that cute little fur ball wasn't here to greet me when I got home.

My husband is also in the hospital, and there were some kids shot on the property where I work this past Tuesday. (I wasn't there, it was after-hours).

Oh, and my dear, dear (one of my very best) friend, Claudia, was in the hospital too, recently.

So, basically, the crap has just been piling up lately!

Yes, the miracles too. I know that, I feel that, I am very well aware of--and grateful for--that.

Legally, I cannot go into specifics, even if I wanted to (and I kind of want to because it would be quite healing, but not now), but pretty much Summer 2010 has made Summer 2009 look like a warm tropical vacation.

Earlier this week, on Wednesday, I believe, I broke down. I got angry and sad and cried...and then later that night, I laughed and laughed and laughed and then laughed some more--and then I laughed at that....not because ANY of this is actually funny, but because you HAVE to laugh. I'm a writer, I have a vivid imagination, but not quite THIS vivid--and honestly, I couldn't make this shit up lately!

Everyone keeps telling me to write about all of this, and I will, in due time--once I have legal clearance.

I'm not in trouble with the law or anything like that, but jobs could be on the line (mine, my husbands, my best friends') if I got real specific right now, so I won't.

My point is, I am truly handling ALL of that quite WELL! My therapist said so, a counselor at work said so, and ALL of my family/friends have said so--really! I'm okay--I'm learning, I'm growing, I'm stronger, I'm wiser and I do sincerely feel a great sense of PEACE about EVERYTHING because, no one (except for Nellie Marie, of course) died. I am tremendously grateful for that, you have NO idea!

But, the ONE THING that I'm not handling so well this morning is the loss of my Nellie Marie. She was my baby, granted my fur baby, I know. But, I miss her SO MUCH! The house feels SO EMPTY without her and truly, without my husband in the bed and without her--I am sleeping alone. I've never liked sleeping alone.

I have slept "alone" (as in without a man) for most of my life, I've only lived with Colin for three years. But, for ALL of my teenage years (and 10, 11, 12 and 20 years old onward until now), I had NELLIE......I would go to sleep next to her and wake up next to her. Rather, she would be smack dab in between my legs on the bed curled up in a ball, pretty much each and every morning. And at night, I'd give her a treat--she'd lay in my arms, curl up next to me, I'd pet her, listen to her purr, breathe her scent in--and fall asleep.

Truthfully, THAT is what I miss the most. Okay, also, truthfully, I do NOT miss cleaning a cat box--at all. But, that's about the only positive surrounding her death right now. No stinky, messy, bulky cat box to be cleaned......other than that, I miss her terribly.

Nellie was the ONE CONSTANT in my life for 16 years....no matter where I lived, no matter what happened in my life, no matter WHO was in my life and who was not, no matter how old (or young) I was, no matter where I worked (or didn't work) and no matter what mood I was in--she was THERE. And now, she's not--and it sucks.

Mostly, though, it just HURTS. You know, I know it's normal what I'm feeling, I know that she was 16 years old and sick and I HAD to put her down. I KNOW I did the right thing and that she is in a much better place right now. I KNOW that I am so beyond blessed to have had those 16 years with her, but.....that is a LONG time. I'm 26 freakin' years old, NOTHING else in my life has lasted for 16 years......she did.

I feel like there's a whole in my heart, sincerely, not to sound overly dramatic, but....as nuts as EVERYTHING ELSE is around here right now....I can DEAL WITH IT....what makes me want to just go back to bed and/or cry for hours is the fact that my Nellie is gone.

I know, I know...she's with me in spirit, and I can carry her in my heart, my head and my memories. Her ashes are in a cute little white cat earn on the counter (so glad I did that, really!) and I have God.....but, God just doesn't pop down here and purr next to me like she did. Like right now, my lap feels empty--she used to sit on my lap while I wrote poems, entries, etc.

My lap and part of my heart is empty...I didn't expect the emptiness. I expected the grief, denial, anger and acceptance. I wasn't ready for the empty feeling.

I'm also envious. Envious of people whose animals ARE still alive and healthy. Whose marriages are smooth and easy. Whose parents are healthy. Whose friends and loved ones are sane and capable of dealing with life. Who have had a nice, relaxing, alluring summer.

Yes, I'm envious.

I'm NOT jealous, not in the least, I am HAPPY for each and every single person who has it really good right now. Well, I have it really good too, jut not easy. I'm envious of those who have it who has it easier than I do right now, but guess what.......

Those starving people across the ocean, those jobless down the street, those homeless where I work, those orphans without any parents, the limbless, the hopeless, the sick, the hungry....all across this planet of ours.....all of them are probably envious of me right now.

I KNOW that someone--okay LOTS of someones--ALWAYS have it worse than I do. And just because I'm having a down day--which I KNOW will get better because it is up to me to make it better (and writing what little bit I have has truly helped already)--doesn't mean I'm not blessed and not eternally and abundantly grateful for EVERY SINGLE BLESSING I have.

I have been given a SHOWER OF MIRACLES lately, I really have. God has been hard at work in my life, and His Angels--both Earthly and un-Earthly--have been workin' overtime for me and my family lately. I know that.

But, I'm still human, and I'm allowed to feel what I feel. I can't fight it, I can't change it, I just have to accept what I'm feeling--whenever and however I'm feeling it--go with it and move on.

Also, I mentioned previously that other than my grandfathers, I've never really had to deal with the death of a really, really closed loved one, Nellie is my first.

I asked myself a million times since my mom's birthday (when I found out I had to put her down) HOW I would handle not having her here? How would it feel to come home and not hear her meowing, or curling up next me purring...and now I know how it feels, and it feels icky, sad, empty and hard.

But, that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I know my baby (Nellie) IS with me in spirit. I KNOW she's probably helped me more on the OTHER side in the weeks since her death than I will probably ever know.

It's okay to miss her, it's okay to cry, it's okay to grieve. She was/is a beloved member of my family who is physically no longer here.....

I miss you, baby, I really do.

But, life must go on. Today, I'm going to go to lunch with my good friend, Sarah, check out the new Fall Fashions (always my favorite) at the mall, laugh my butt off and just stay in the Presence of the Lord!

I may just take it one hour at a time today, but at least, I'm honest and genuine in how I feel, and I know that this too shall pass.

My boss has a saying that she says ALL the time when she get stressed, she says "Life Is Beautiful, I can do this, Life Is Beautiful" and you know what? She's right.

Life Is (Still) Beautiful. It's a precious gift and it is absolutely what we make it. It is a process, a work in progress and actually, one big fat ironic laugh 'till you cry (or cry 'till you laugh) fest!

Thank you, girl boss of mine, for reminding me of what I do know deep down--that life is beautiful.

I have a job, a home, the most AWESOME support system, a car, clothes, limbs, hair, a pretty face, plenty to eat, a phone, A/C, the ability to walk/talk/think/write and the knowledge and Power of God.....

so yes, even in times of grief and sadness and extreme uncertainty--life is beautiful.

Thank You, Lord, for all of the many, many beautiful miracles (and people) in my life!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz

P.S. I'm going to live this day FOR Nellie, because she would want me to. She wouldn't want her mama all sad and worn down, so I'm going to do my best not to be. Rest in peace, my fur baby. I love you--so much--now and always. You were, and you remain, the very best!