Ok, So It's Been A While....

Okay, So It's Been A While....I've been VERY busy watching Dylan and CLEANING, CLEANING, CLEANING! And organizing. My mother has turned me into a clean freak! But, I do enjoy things being clean and organized, imagine that, me, Ms. ScatterBrained, I finally enjoy cleaning (to a point that is) and having things organized. I've been throwing out a garbage bag full of crap a week, and cleaning seriously my room/bathroom, and the whole entire house (minus mom's b/b) every single Wednesday. It's really quite satisfying! I also fill up the gas tanks in the cars when they need them, am saving money, paying my bills, learning how to spend less and save more, clip coupons and use then without shame (turns out there is something to coupon clippin') and am doing pretty well. My allergies are acting up, but that's okay, it'll get chilly again around here and they'll calm down. I went for a mystic tan yesterday and it worked well all over, except the spray machine missed the entire sides of my body, so I actually look kinda funky when my arms aren't at my side! LOL! But oh' well. It was free! I've been thinking ALOT lately and I have lots of ideas for writing and poems and songs. My brain is really working and I'm also excerising and meditating every other day! My grandma Elizabeth is coming down from Reno this Thursday the 10th and I'm very excited to have her here and see her and hang out with her and show her all around town! I know my way around this town very well and drive better in it than my mother, I've gotten used the traffic, sort of! I'm seriously considering moving back to Reno w/ Betty b/c it's just not working out here with mom and Ricky. Big Suprise. I hate him. Ricky that is. I would NEVER hurt him, or wish bad on him, but for own health (seriously) and sanity, I need to get out. After all, I'm 21 and it is time. I can't do it finanically and I really don't want to go back to Reno, I mean, I've been there and done that you know. All my past and memories and everything that went wrong and right in my life happend there, but if it means not having to put up with Ricky's shit, than I'll do it. But the thought of not living near or rather wtih, my mother, just breaks my heart. I know it's so natural and socially supposed to happen that we leave home as adults, but I'm just not quite ready. Hopefully, I will be in a few months! Maybe I'll get a roomate here in town and look into a state job. Although I have a love/hate relationship wtih this town, Las Vegas, actually, I have a love/hate relationship wtih pretty much everything and everyone right now, including life. I've decided I need to get some therapy as I have a lot of stored up anger and resentment towards myself, my life and the people in it. Everyone has their sad song, bumps in the road and things they need to get past, including me. The good thing is that at least I'm aware of all this, I want to go to therapy and work through these things, otherwise, I know they're going to hold me back for the rest of my life. My parents' not being together (mom and daddy Jim I mean, certainly NOT mom and father Joe!) is really bothering me again as is my mom with Ricky. She left every other man in her life, or they left her, either way, she never stayed and for the life of me I can't understand why she's choosing to say now. Ricky is a down right asshole, heartless and mean and cruel, not just my opinion, but that of everyone I personally know. NO ONE likes him, yet she chooses to stay with someone that treats her kid (me) like shit. I don't get it. As much as I love her more than anyone and anything and life itself, I resent it ALOT! I need to really get past that, and try and be more compassionate and understanding, b/c of ALL the people in my life, my mother is the ONE person that's always been there, day and night, night and day without expecting anything back and without conditions. And that's special. I don't care if everyone else in my life is shaky as far as relationships go, I mean, I do, but certainly not my mom. My mom is my mom, and I love her so much. It hurts to see her with that SOB when I know she could so MUCH better, like I said it's not just my opinion, it's EVERYONE'S! Anyhow, I talked to Ellen last night for the first time in about a month and really truly enjoyed that. It's hard to believe that we've been friends now, her and I, for almost two years now, it will be two years on March 25th anyway. It was so great to talk to her and I miss her so much when we don't talk. She's a great friend and wonderful and talented, beautiful person! I'm blessed to have her and all of the other wonderful people in my life! I'm not that unhappy, and actually, I LOVE being 21!!! It's SO fun! I can do what I want, when I want, how I want, mostly with whom I want and it's all LEGAL! How cool is that! What isn't so cool is the responsibility and reality that comes with everything that's financially impossible and illegal. But, I've always been a very good girl, still am, and always will be! I need to buy a new tape recorder as I've searched my room, car and bathroom up and down for it and STILL can't find it. But I've found lots of other fun stuff like CD's, purses, makeup, lipsticks, jewerly and other stuff I even forgot I had. I did figure something amazing the other day: even though I'm only 21 I have enough crap for someone that's about oh, I don't know, 50 or 60. That's b/c I've never had a lot of in person friends so I've used stuff as my comfort zone, cushion and companion. I figured that out all by my self. Isn't that great! I'm not as dumb as I thought! LOL! Actually, I'm quite smart, very bright, mature and wise and ahead of my years, the problem is, financially and socially, I'm very much young-not even 21! I am, I'm like 15 and 35 all wrapped up in one! But 21 is cool none the less! So, I'm thinking about writing a poem about the color "Pink," and "Purple," as inspired by my good friend, Ellen's poem about her fav. color "Red!" I'm also thinking about poems about the men in my life; no one in particular, but all of them. I've written several about the great women in my life and I think it'd be theraputic to write about the men in my life- the good and bad ones. God knows I've already had both! LOL! Anyhow, I bought a really cool and sexy peice of Red Lingerie on sale the other day; it's a corset bustiay with thong underwear and a garder and stockings! So HOT! I can't believe how grown up I look in it, I really AM a WOMAN now! Hear my ROAR!!! LOL! :) It's so neat and it actually freakin' fits me! WHAT concept! LOL! I'm too big for the girls and too small of the women's, but I really like being me, I like my life, even with all the shit I've had and things I will go through and have to overcome, I still love my life. I'm so incredibly amazingly blessed and I'm just now gettin' started! I'm looking so foward to the future and am so proud of myself for saving, only spending with a coupon or if it's on a major clearence sale and becoming/staying organized! I feel that I'm really growing up in a lot of ways, some ways are not so fun and not so great, but some of it. And it's time! I feel I'm becoming quite responsible, now I just need to be less angry and less resentful! And more compassionate! My meditations and leaning on God will definately help, as well as some of that therapy, hopefully for not an outrageous price. I believe in therapy, I think it's good to honestly look at yourself and others and learn what makes you and others tick and act the way you do. I think it's good money to invest in your mental stability and peace of mind. In this crazy world, we ALL need a little help! And it's so totally okay to ask for it in WHATEVER form that is! Here's why I'm blessed: I live in America; land of the free. Even though there a MILLION things SO inherently WRONG with this country & I honestly feel we're losing our freedoms more and more everyday, it's STILL a GREAT place to live! :) I can go out 24 hours a day, in anything I want, wearing whatever I want with anything on it (well I can't exactly go out nude, but that's okay, it's better that way! ALthough I'm a nudist at heart, not everyone needs to see that much of me and I believe it's way better that I don't see that much of everyone else-whew!). I can drive my car anywhere I want (okay I need my own, instead of mom's, but hey)! I can roam freely about this city and country as long as I can finance it! (Which is harder to do these days) I have a bed to get into at night, a nice, clean, warm (or cool in the summertime) apartment to come to. I have a beautiful, soft cat who I absolutely adore and is a joy in my life! I have MORE than enough clothes, things, and knick-knacks than anyone needs or deserves! I have hair, limbs, smooth skin (and clearer skin now thanks to new Nuetrogena Acne Complex-that stuff really does work-honest, go buy it now if you have any kind of acne at all!), and a nice body. I'm not overwieght, or to my knowledge in danger of dying or contracting caner. Thank God! I have my health, some very minor wealth (that will increase if I stick to my saving habbit), and all of my limbs. I am completely mobile, can eat, sleep, brush my teeth, go pee and #2, shower, shave my legs, stand, sit, jump, dress and make the bed ALL by myself without depending on anyone for any of that. I have the Rx's I need to stay healthy and control what minor health problems I do have. I can go out and wear a Cross, Star of David (no I'm not actually Jewish) or anything I want religiously without fear of being shot, killed or ridiculed. I have shoes, a warm coat, slippers, robe, more than enough food to eat, coffee yummy coca cola and popcorn! Always great things in life! I can go the movies and listen to music (any of which I choose), look at, take and keep pictures of anything and anyone I want, I have electricity, running water and no burns on my body. Okay, I have 23 scars, but I'm not deformed and most of them aren't visible to the average eye! I have this computer, desk, can write freely and watch whatever I want on TV. I have freedom of speech, petition and love! Yes, even in these tough times, and growing period, I am quite the blessed person! I have wonderful people in my life; my beautiful, amazing, beloved sisters K, J &J, friends like Ellen, Nancy, Betty, Melanie's, Debbie, Tiffany, Rachel, Annette, my awesome grandmothers E & J are still alive and kickin' and insprie me every single day and remind that life doesn't stop just b/c u reach a certain #. I have my mother, my father, my Uncle, some great men and a great cat in my life! I can walk up and down stairs and can breathe on my own! No folks, it doesn't get much better than this! Okay, so maybe I woudln't mind a new car, preferably a VW Jetta and a trip to Italy-but hey, we've all got dreams, and that's okay. We've all got something to aspire to, look foward to and dream about, if we don't, we're dead. And I choose to be happy and LIVE! I choose to be in the moment, healthy, happy, sane and in love with my life! So, with that, I have to run some errands, I'll write again asap, bye for now! And God Bless Us Everyone!

Many Blessings,
SL