Parenting, Lettin Go, Weight, Soda, TV & Other Thoughts @ 11pm!

Before we start, this is my 80th Post! So, congrats to me! I've posted 80 times in this online journal/blog and am getting more open and comfortable with each post!

I think I may be gaining weight. I mean, I feel heavier and my breats are bigger. Not a lot, just slightly. It’s really amazing how women’s breast sizes go up and down throughout our lives. Women: you get boobs at 10, 11, 14..whatever, they start small, grow larger.....you lose weight, they shrink; you gain weight, they enlarge. I used to have much bigger breasts until 2001 when I had my last female surgery, and lost a lot of weight, poof-they were gone. Even my own father noticed it last month. That's kind of embarrasing to say that my dad noticed, but really, he said "they used to be bigger didn't they?" I was like "dad, um, why are you looking?" He goes "oh no, honey, I don't mean like that, it's just, they used to shoot out of you, they were the biggest part on you and now, they're like the rest of you, tiny." OKAY dad, whatever! I am tiny, but good things come in small packages right? Most things anyhow. Yeah, even that, I'd rather have smaller than larger. Boy, you'd think I'm drunk with how forward I'm being tonight, but I just feel like it. I'll probably end up deleting this paragraph in the morning...LOL! Anyway, as I was saying- women and breats: you get pregnant, they grow, you hit menopause, they change again. I don't think men's bodies go through such drastic lifetime changes like women's do, no wonder us women are all pretty much bitches! LOL! We're strong, loving, caring, compassionate, amazing beings, but let's face it, most men and most women, at their core, are either a bitch or an asshole. Please excuse my langauge, I really am trying not to cuss, but it's true....tha'ts just how it goes.......

Anyway, my little sister, KLC, she’s almost sixteen and went to get her permit today. Her DRIVERS PERMIT. Holy cow! She is the oldest of my three little sisters, but....I cannot believe this is here already. It’s literally like yesterday was ten years ago. 1995: I met her for the first time, she was this pudgy little 5 year old girl with curly hair who absolutely worshipped me-she turned to me for everything and begged me to make PB&J sandwiches the WHOLE time I was there. That was TEN years ago. Now, she’s getting her learner’s permit and Jordan, who was in Kim’s stomach at the time, is turning 10. That’s TWO digits and two whole hands! I just can’t believe it. And me, I’m gonna be 22 this winter. Damn, where does the time go. I so wish I could slow it down, I think all people do at some point in their lives. But, b/c I’ve lived so much for my short life, I often feel older than I really am. It’s funny though, I couldn’t WAIT to be 21 and while I will happily admit to looking forward to my 30s, I think I’ve always thought of myself as 21 or 30 and like everything in between I didn’t really consider. I can picture myself 33, but 22, it’s weird. I don’t know what to do with it, you know, it’s still over four months away, but it’ll be here before you know it. Anyhow, KLC getting her permit, holy crap! I can’t imagine HER in a car. I really do think, now that I’m a bit older, that 16 is WAY too young to drive.

I never understood why Americans broke up the ages so much- it’s like 16=drive. 18=vote/legal/jail if you mess up. 21=alcohol and no turning back. Something about turning 21, it just does soemthin’ to ya. I feel like an adult, and being an adult is highly overated, yet so wonderful! Anyhow, 16 is TOO young to drive, and voting, I think that should be a right that’s earned. If people are willing ot educate themselves and vote b/c they care, not just b/c they like a candidates shirt on a certain day, than cool, yeah, come on and vote, otherwise, no, you’re out. Oh, my gosh, I heard on the news tonight that there is some woman trying to make it so non-citizen Americans can vote. HELLO! Our forefathers, men and women have died for HUNDREDS of years so WE could VOTE. Without sounding to narrow minded, arrogant, ignorant or racist, I say: if you’re an immigrant-WELCOME. Live here, pursue your dreams, live your best life. But….LEARN OUR LANGUAGE-SPEAK ENGLISH-DO EXPECT TO VOTE! I think it’s really stupid to let people who aren’t American Citizens vote. I mean, come on, what the HELL would they know. Actually, probably more than Americans b/c the REST of the world IS educated about America, except America. LOL! But, anyway, my point is, if I went to live in Mexico or France or Germany, I could NOT and would NOT be able to vote there. So WHY, WHY, WHY should they be able to vote here? You want that PRIVILAGE and that RIGHT, EARN IT. It’s just like I said earlier, you wanna vote, EARN IT. Learn about our country, SPEAK ENGLISH, don’t try and change our country to YOUR ways. Non-Americans Voting and Pres. Bush overriding the Senate to bring in some “wonderful” ambassador, God this country is going to hell in a handbasket. It really is.

At the risk of totally pissing people off and making a target of myself here, I think President Bush is dumb, as a Presdient. I’m SURE he’s a good person and a great husband and father, but I swear, somedays I think my cat could run the country better than he does. I just don’t think he CARES about the American people. I really don’t. I would NOT want his job and I'm sure it's really hard, just look at how being President ages a man. At the begining of their term, they look young and healthy, at the end, they look old, wrinkled and decreppid. I think George Bush is a good person in his heart, but as a President, I don't think he's good at it. He’s SO concerned with Iraq, which, while I support my U.S. Troops and their bravery and heorism, I greatly disagree with the invasion of Iraq. They NEVER had WMD’S, our American Administration KNEW that and this is ALL about oil. If things are SO great over there and “improving,” why are thousands of American Soldiers and Iraqi Civilians dying? I mean, innocent bystanders are just being blown to shreds over there for a freakin’ oil line. Please!

If it was really great over there (Iraq), there would be electricity, decent helath care, a capable police force and women would be able to vote. But, hell, America itself has places with no electricity and our healthcare these days is a JOKE, so, hey, why expect anywhere else we invade to be better? Anyway, now I’m done…it’s NOT my problem, I’m NOT President and, uh, I don’t need to worry about it anymore.

NOW…back to my sisters. Anyway, I don’t know how parents do it. Really. You have this baby, and they’re ALL dependent and needy and totally in love with YOU, you, as far as they’re concerned, hung the moon. And then, ten years later, they hate you, think you’re dumber than the dirt on the ground and want to get in YOUR car that they really don’t know how to drive and LEAVE. HELLO! What happened! I think I just found the #1 I DON’T want to be a parent; even though it has so many lessons and so much love and joy that comes with it….I don’t want to love that much to have to let them go. I honestly am in AWE of parents, with every passing day of my life, I do NOT know how people do it. Being a parent is the HARDEST, most TRYING, DIFFICULT, TIRING, EXHAUSTING, THANKLESS job on earth! I could not do it, and I don’t want to. I like my time and space and quiet place. I like having things to myself, the way I left them. You have kids, and you never have peace again. I mean, look at me, I’m 21 and I STILL live at home. (Which is ANOTHER problem I have with America today, no one can afford to live on their own. These days, we HAVE to be United! LOL!) Even when I move out, I’ll still be calling my mother for this and that. My mom does it to HER mother, and my mother is 52 years old. It’s NEVER ENDING.

But seriously, KLC, it’s really breaking my heart. I’m happy for her and excited b/c I know the JOY and THRILL and EXCITEMENT of learning to drive and the sheer FREEDOM and responsibility that comes with it, but on the other hand it’s like…Noooooooooooo, tha’ts my baby. And she’s not really, she’s my stepmom’s baby, but I’m FREAKING out. I just can’t believe it. I don’t want ANYTHING to happen to her you know, I’m concerned: will she drive well? Will she make the RIGHT choices? Will she wreck the car 3x’s like I did before her 18th birthday? (More about that another entry) Will she stay out of trouble and be responsible? I’m not even her mom, AND I’m 600 miles away and I’m worried. I know I shouldn’t be, b/c it’s HER life, and HER choices, but still…it’s really freaky to think that my little sister is now DRIVING.

I don’t know how parents let go, it’s got to be the hardest thing in life for them. Really, of course, then again, when kids are teenagers and are mad @ the world and everything in it, and hate you and disrespect you…well, then it’s kinda like “yeah, get the hell out!” My step mom said that when I was up there (in Oregon with all of them). She said teenage hood is God’s way of making you WANT to let your children go. If they stayed all lovey dovey and needy, you would NEVER let them go. And you know, she’s absolutely right. I love KLC with ALL my heart and soul and I’d do ANYTHING for her, but when I was up there, OMG, it was like “please, loose the ‘tude and call me when you’re 20!’” LOL! Seriously! But, looking at KLC and my sisters like this gives me a new appreciation for my own mother, I mean, HER letting me MOVE to Oregon, 600 miles away…I can’t even imagine what she must be feeling and going through. It’s got to be so tough, especially with me b/c of my past illnesses and still rather fragile health. It’s something I’ll always have to watch and take extra care of. Mom, I feel for you, and it’ll be hard for ME to let go to. But, it’s time. We ALL have to let go at some point and I guess that’s the test of real love- loving someone enough to let them go. I know I just said this a few days ago, but it’s really been on my mind lately. Driving is a PRIVILAGE and a HUGE RESPONSIBILITY, so maybe that’s why we get to drive FIRST. B/c if we can handle the responsibility of drivng and insurance and payments and oil changes and seatbelts, than we can handle the rest of life? Yeah, that sounds close enough. LOL! I’m totally rambling, again, but I have SO much on my mind...

I did get a lot done today though, I finally got my butt over to get my follow up chest X-ray and that was nice. The male x-ray technician there is totally trying to pick me up, it’s quite funny-but ANYHOW…I talked to my best girlfriend, Ellen, and text messaged back and forth with my friend, Tessa. I talked to Hugh, he’s doing well, his mom is flying back in from NY tonight. She’s been gone b/c her brother just had a liver transplant that went well, thank God, I’ve been praying. Anyway, so he’s going to pick her up tonight and we had a nice chat. I called a few places and cancelled subscriptions to stop charges to my credit cards and even managed to WASH, CLEAN and RENEW my car!!! A VERY productive day indeed!

Oh, and I watched a special on Soft Drinks. I LOVE to watch the TV Food Network, esp. shows @ Travel and the history of food. It’s SO interesting. EVERYTHING has a history, even food. Anyway, tonight was all about “Soft Drinks,” and while I will admit to having a VERY small coke about once a week now, I just don’t care for Soft Drinks anymore and I don’t know why they’re still called “Soft Drinks,” there’s nothing soft about them. They’re full of sugar, artificial flavorings and chemicals and EEEK. Yuck! The U.S. accounts for 44% of the world’s entire soda consumption-gee, and I wonder why we’re the fattest country on earth? DUH! Anyway, I did used to LOVE soda, or pop or soft drinks. My sisters say “pop,” I say “soda,” and Hugh, from NY says “cola.” Isn’t it funny, four or five different expressions for the same thing. Anyhow, I loved Coca-Cola, Sprite, Dr. Pepper, now I just prefer water. Bottled Water Sales are actually climbing while soda sales are lowering, but still, soda is the #1 beverage in America. There was this one soda on the show tonight that looked really good, it was an OLD one, with REAL sugar and REAL, NATURAL FLAVORS, called Mint Julep, I love mint, so mmm…yum! That sounded really good! Everything is so artificial today though, sodas, food, packaged food……I’m SO glad I know what “fresh,” is. My mom and grama imbedded that in me, thank you ladies and thank GOD, they had the sense to do so. FRESH veggies, FRESH fruits, FRESH water….it’s SO hard to come by now. Everything is so chemical laden and processed, it’s gross. And I KNOW it also causes cancers.

I’m getting really interested in herbs and herbal medicine. I KNOW that crystals hold their own power and work wonders for illness, but, with all the side effects of Rx’s today, herbal medicine would be smart to learn more about. I’m on what, 8 or 9 Rx’s a day, maybe herbs would be the way to go. Of course, even those you can’t cross with so much, but still, anyhow, just a thought.

The other night, I watched a show on the history of Sushi, which is actually from China, it was the Japeneese who added the seaweed. I really don’t like Sushi. Even if it’s not the raw fish, I don’t like seaweed, and I’m not a fan of rice, so Sushi really isn’t my thing, but my mother sure is into it lately.

I’m watching, or listening rather, to “Golden Palace,” the follow up series to “The Golden Girls,” which is one of my TOP THREE FAVORITE SHOWS EVER!!! I don’t care how many times I watch them, they’re still hilariously funny!!! “Full House,” had great morals and values, and man, TV in the late 80s and early 90s, it just ruled! It was the best! Of course, I bet all people have a special place in their heart for THEIR generation’s of TV. I mean, well, actually my mother was the first generation to have TV in their childhood, which kinda makes my mom sound old, but she’s not really. 52 is still very young. Anyway, my mom will tell you that TV from the 50s & 60s was the best, Hugh (born in the late 70s) that TV from the 80s is best. Me, I say, late 80s and early 90s BEFORE Reality TV (yuck, so NOT reality-eww). TV back then was TRULY funny, original and had morals and values and was entertaining. Most of TV today is just shit! If I were a parent today, I would NOT let my child watch TV. Even children’s programming sucks. Programming aimed at children today is not good-even that is full of violence, weird and scary crap and well, yeah, a few sexual things. I really believe that educational TV is best. Yesterday, I had Hugh come over for a little while-we both free and had nothin’ else to do. Anyway, we watched a lovely special on the creatures of the Artic. All sorts of birds and bears and sea creatures, really awesome. Very fun and entertaining. Did I just say educational TV was fun? I am old. LOL! You’re only as old as you feel, and most days I feel about 40.....

I took an emotional quotient test once and it said I was 37, emotionally. I just wish I knew more. I go back to school in a few weeks, I’m taking poetry and math. Math 093, higher than I thought I’d score, but I’m still dreading it. Positive attitude Sarah, it won’t be so bad, it’s just like ridin’ a bike, it’ll be great! Poetry, I’m really excited about that. I’ll learn more about it, write it, read it and get to know it, as a craft. Totally awesome!

Anyway, back to TV, I really think that educational TV and old sitcoms and cooking shows are the way to go. If it’s not one of those, why bother? There’s SO much else to do with my time and energy. I watch the news occasionally, lately, about every other day, but it’s SO depressing, again, I’d rather read the news online. That way I get to CHOOSE what I read, learn and know about.

Anyway, I think I’ve said MORE than enough for today and I feel the urge to write some poetry. So, this is Sarah, signing off with a happy, grateful, blessed and excited attitude, feeling rest, healthy, full and well! Ta ta for now! And as always….

Many Blessings,
SL