I Gotta Write...

Hey Y'all. What a week! I am so happy to be alive and living in the moment. Life is really good. However, I am also quite confused over what to do next. I'm 21, actually, five months from today I'll 22. Man, that's hard to believe! Anyhow, I am feeling this draw to Real Estate, I think it would be a good field and pretty easy on the body, I know there's a lot of math and numbers and running around, but I think I'd be good at it. I'm considering going into that field, but we'll see. Right now, at this percise moment, I really feel the need to write. I got inspired last night and was writing some Haiku's, and now I feel like I want to write a poem for my dad, Joe. We had such a wonderful time while I was up in Oregon, he made a concious effort to make time for me. That meant a lot to me, and I'm so glad we got to know eachother a little better. We still have a long way to go, and we both agreed that it's going to take ALOT of work to make this relationship what it should've been all along, but I feel like he's on my side now. I feel like I finally have a dad now. I grew up with a daddy, Jim, my stepd-dad who raised me, but he left in 1994, so for about eleven years since, I really have considered myself fatherless. My dad, Joe, was there and we talked, but it wasn't until this very year that I started to feel I could go to him with my problems, worries, victories and dreams. He is totally supportive of me going to school and writing and doing something productive with my life, and he really encouraged me to follow my heart. I realized that I am a lot like him in some ways, so right now, there's a poem about him stiring in my head. I've always known that he loves me and is proud of me, I never questioned that for a second, but now, it's being shown and that's such a blessing. I no longer feel like I have to step on eggshells to gain his approval. I'm my own person, but I do get quite a bit of my traits and attributes from my mom, grama and dad. The poem in my head is called "I Get It From You..." about all those things I just mentioned. My Haiku's are good too, but not ready to be read by everybody. I love to write, and my ultimate goal is to be a writer, but the question is, what do I do in the meantime? Last night, I watched the Biography of J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter Books, and she started out dirt poor and all alone. Isn't that how we all start? Isn't it funny that the people who "make it" in the world, in whatever field or capacity, always started out at the bottom. Writers I think imparticular suffer ALOT, because we have to have something to write about. That's how I look at life now, the more experiences I have, the more of life that I get to live, the more I have to write about. Whether those experiences are good or bad or indifferent, it's ALL something to draw upon and to write about. Anyhow, I must be one of the ONLY people on earth who hasn't yet read Harry Potter, I don't know, I'm just not into that kind of stuff. I don't really like fantasy and witchcraft and stuff. I don't think the books are bad and the story of how HP came to be is really fascinating. What I realized last night while I was watching Ms. Rowling's story is how very much she PLANNED. I mean, you can't make ALL the plans for everything, and life NEVER turns out the way we plan, BUT.....she dedicated her whole life for ten years to writing this series. She became the book, totally immersing herself in the story and wrote every single day, night and day, whatever else happened in her life, she still would make it a priortiy to WRITE. I used to think that writers were just talented people who happen to get lucky by cashing in on their craft, but last night I realized, it's HARD WORK. It's damn hard. Just like anything else, writing takes a tremendous amount of dedication, passion, imagination and planning. I've never really thought of myself as a fiction writer, but whatever it is that one writes, it has to be maticulously planned, drafted, picked at, re-written and looked over a hundred times. I still want to be a writer, but now, I see it totally differently than I did before. Writing is SO much mental work and I think the hard part is, you tend to become your work. I really believe in the power of the word, and last night during the Biography show, Ms. Rowling said how it was funny that what she wrote about happened to her after she wrote it. I really think that's true and it has to do with creation, the minute you think it, see it, and or write it, it becomes real. You send that thought, those words and its energy out into the Universe and EVERYTHING (good and bad) that goes around comes around, whether it's written words, repeated thoughts or spoken words. Anyhow, it was really interesting to hear how HP came about and how hard to she worked, and how much she planned it out. So, even though I never read the books and really don't want to, I learned A LOT from that one hour show, I'm so glad I watched it. Thanks Ms. Rowling for inspiring me and so many others! :) One of the reasons I keep this blog is to write, even if I just write about my thoughts and everyday events, that's writing in one form or another. Last night, my mom and I had the most pleasant evening. We did our toenails and watched that program and then watched "Reba," the sitcom. After that, we went and sat by the pool here in our complex, then took a walk over to McDonald's and got ice cream and walked home @ about 10pm. It was so nice and wonderful to hang out with her, without fighting or arguing. I really do love her so much, but it is totally different since I got back from Oregon. Taking the trip was the best thing I've EVER done; I learned so much and it taught me that I CAN make it on my own and that I AM capable of fending for myself. It's so easy to just my mama's little girl and let her do everything and revert to that six year old, but when push comes to shove, I CAN take care of myself. I love her, I missed her and I will miss her, but I so want to move out. I want my own place, and I want to move to Oregon. Yes, it will be hard, but I want to be closer to my dad, sisters and get some new friends. I have MANY friends, but no inperson friends. I've lived here in Vegas for over a year and a half and NO friends, no job and crappy school, so maybe it's time to throw in the towel here, realize Vegas just isn't workin' for me and move on. I felt so at home in Oregon and I was filled with so much peace and hope and joy. Yes, life follows you anywhere and life is NEVER easy, no matter where you are, or what age you happen to be, but I really need a change. I'm CRAVING my independence, to become SARAH. I think I started becoming my own person a long time ago, but this trip just did it for me. It was exactly what I needed. I LOVE who I am when I'm around my sisters, they bring out the best in me, and while I don't want to live WITH them, I'd LOVE to be closer to them. Ashland, Oregon was nice, and even Salem's okay. If I got into RealEstate it'd be great, b/c there's SUCH a market out there for it. It's really amazing actually b/c I saw houses for sale and RE EVERYWHERE throughout ALL of Nevada, California and Oregon. If I don't do RE, than we'll see.....I'd actually love to take this next month or so (I start school again in about 5 weeks) and just BE. Not DO, but be. Be me, write, upload my photos on Webshots.com, clean out my bathroom and bedroom and material crap again, and plan my move to Oregon come January. I have decided one thing though, I'm DONE taking care of kids. I love kids, but I don't want my own, and I don't have them for a reason. It's SO much work, so much hassle and so time consuming and self-absorbing, so NO MORE KIDS for me. I'm only 21, so I might change my mind, but I doubt it. It's kinda cool to think about being 31, like where will I be? But, I'm really learning again to stay and live in the moment. It's like cutie-pie Keith Urban says, "We talk about forever, but we've only got today." Amen, Keith, and today is good enough. Today is beautiful, it's partly cloudy, humid and only 100*, a real big break from the earlier week temps of 115*+. Whew! That's one of the reasons I gotta get outta here, I live on the freakin' SUN! Anyhow, like Keith said, "...we've only god today." And today is a special gift that I choose to soak up for all its worth! Talk to you soon!

Many Blessings,
SL