I'm Really Growing Up

Amazing isn't it? I leave for a month, knowingly returning home, and my mother has a complete breakdown. she just turned 52, and her finances are shit. The other thing is that she is finally realizing that pretty much the only thing I'm NOT capable of is financially supporting myself independtly. But then again, neither is she. You know, last December when Iturned 21, I started feeling more and more like an adult each and every day. And I've become REALLY responsible.....my grama kidna started that one when I lived w/ her for the year that my mom lived in Vegas and I lived in Reno. At the time, I hated my grandma for making me do EVERYTHING by myself...rent, car insurance, gas, school, dr's appnts, etc....but now, I so appreciate it. In that year that I lived apart from my mother, even though I was living with my grandmother, I came to stand on my own two feet. And since I've lived w/ my mom, so incredibly much of her life has been about her boyfriend and her own life. My mom and I are still close and wer'e good friends, but most of the time we really don't see eachother, we come and go as we please and kinda pass as ships in the night. I pay her rent as well. So yes, I'm living there, but I'm my own person w/ my own life. And that feels really good. I think my mom knew I was an adult but it didn't really hit her, she didn't admit it, until just the other day when she realiazed that I had driven myself all the way up here to fernely from Vegas and was capable of doing things on my own. I don't want to be alone or lonely, but I am self-sufficient in most ways, and I love that! Anyhow, mom is really upset and down and depressed, but all I can do is listen and pray, it's outta my hands and one of the reasons I'm here and not there is b/c I needed a break from all that. So much negativity around my house in Vegas, it sucks. Hopefully mom will work on that! My boyfriend Hugh, he's depressed too. I think they both are a bit envious of my being here and gone away from all the struggles in Vegas, and of course, they both really miss me. I miss them as well, but I'm having the BEST time.And so far, no offense, but I don't miss either of them like I normally do. Normally I'm sratching to get back home, but this time, I don't know, it's different. I'm really enjoying the moment and being the presence. I wouIdn't be anywhere else on earth right now. I'm finding myself again, and so maybe it's good that I don't miss them as much as usual. Besides, I've only been gone like four or five days, so I'm SURE in a week or so, I'll miss them SOOOOOOOOO much it'll driving me nuts! It's so relaxing and quiet and subdude out here. Such a totally different way of ife. So beautiful and peaceful and entirely different than Vegas. I like Vegas, but I think I like it here better. There's not a lot to do around here, and if you want to see a movie or go shopping you have to drive 40 mins into Reno. So you gotta spend money in gas to spend more money in town. LOL! But the nice thing about that is you're really forced to entertain yourself. Gram's got 250 TV stations and there's STILL nothing on! Funny hunh? This town is small and church going and quiet and farmland, but it;s nice. I'm kinda spoiled living in Vegas having the world at my fingertips, but maybe tha'ts not such a good thing after all. Maybe less really is more. I haven't felt this good physically in years, and my health is better out here. Oh, and I 've also written some poetry for the first time in ages, something that I didn't think I could do very well anymore. this place is really inspiring. And my grama is LOVING having me here! Henry is so nice too. Last night I talked to Hugh, and we had a nice conversation. He said he misses me, and I miss him too. Mainly I miss hugging and kissing him, that I really miss! He's so sweet and really makes my life bearable. He's my best friend and even though we fight, ALOT, makin' up is very fun! We're trying to keep things fresh and alive while I'm gone, calling and emailing and chatting online, just like old times! It's really fun! The first six weeks of our relationship was entirely long distance...so we should be used to it. Besides, I REALLY NEEDED A BREAK, from EVERYONE and EVERYTHING in Vegas, and they needed a break from me too. I like who i am better up here. I'm finding I'm really :LISTENING to myself and people and nature, it's so nice! I miss Nellie most of all, but then again, I always do. Grama and I had SUCH a great tie yesterday, we went to the Fabric Shop, and the movie and had a grand ole time. We're workign on some MORE things for me, I'm SO spoiled, although not at spoiled as I used to be. LOL! Anyhow, went and saw "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" and it was okay. I mean, there's a defintine connection there between Brad and Angelina, and I'm not one to judge, but still....somethings definately up there! It was an okay movie, VERY violent and bang 'em up shoot 'em, not really my kind of movie, but it'd be a great date movie! Then we came home and I made dinner for us, salad and green beans and tomatoes and bell peppers....a total light veggie summer meal, w/ my famous lemon dressing-SO YUMMY!!!! :) Anyway, today we are going to sew, sew, sew, actually, I don't sew, she does, I cut & pin and trace! LOL! We're working on a special project for my dad who I'm very excited to see, esp my sisters, oh it'll be SO wonderful! Hugh is going for a job interview toady so I hope he does well at that and gets it. He really is good with people, he just doesn't know it. He's nice and kind and non-judgemental, which I wish I was more NON-judgemental. But, I'm working on it! I really wish I could give him a BIG hug and kiss for goodluck right now, but oh' well, the smiley icons on Yahoo IM will have to do for now. I miss you honey! Gotta run folks, more later!
Many Blessings,
SL