We Learn Something (or a lot of somethings) Everyday.....Dyspnea, Forgiveness & Mom!

"We are not our mistakes; we are the lessons we have learned, and the experiences we have had; therefore, WE ARE OUR VICTORIES!!!!"

-Sarah Liz D. (3:03am, 5/25/05-post-post @ 12:30am)

Holy Cow! Ok, not that anyone cares, but I think I just solved about 1/4 of my health problems. I went to my primary care physician today, Dr. Michaels, whom I do love and adore. And she put on this medication for a female problem. Well I went to take the medication tonight and was reading the little pamplet that came with it and

I found this term: Dyspnea
I thought, "Dyspnea, what the hell is that?" So I looked it up on the Internet, and as it turns out, it's EXACTLY what I have. It's what happens when I have an asthma attack, when I feel extremely short of breath like I can't breathe fast enough or get enough air in. When I feel like someone is sitting on my chest, who knew there was a name for it? Hunh. Anyhow, I was reading more about it and as it turns out, now, just bare w/ me, I want to post what I read at another site:

from http://www.aafp.org/afp/20031101/1803.html
Pathophysiology
Dyspnea is described as faster breathing accompanied by the sensations of running out of air and of not being able to breathe fast or deeply enough. The sensations are similar to that of thirst or hunger (i.e., an unignorable feeling of needing something). Dyspnea results from multiple interactions of signals and receptors in the autonomic nervous system, motor cortex, and peripheral receptors in the upper airway, lungs, and chest wall.1 Various disease states can produce dyspnea in slightly different manners, depending on the interaction of efferent signals with receptors of the central nervous system, autonomic system, and peripheral nerves. The actual sensation of muscular effort and breathlessness results from the simultaneous activation of the sensory cortex at the time the chest muscles are signaled to contract.2 Good evidence demonstrates that increased carbon dioxide partial pressure (Pco2) levels stimulate the feeling of breathlessness independent of the effects of ventilation or the oxygen partial pressure (Po2) level.2 Studies have shown that the type and severity of an underlying lung or heart disease correlates well with the way the patient describes the dyspnea

I have COPD, which stands for Chronic Obstructive Pulminary Disease, I also have CRPD, which is aChronic Restrictive Pulminary Disease, so I have those and astma and GERD (Gastro-Esophogael Reflux Disease (Acid Relux, hence my CONSTANT heartburn), and I am on an anti-depressant to help w/ my mild depression and anxiety. So, it looks like I have some of the main diseases that can cause Dyspnea, those include:

Differential Diagnosis of Acute Dyspnea in Adults
Pulmonary: chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, asthma, pneumonia, pneumothorax, pulmonary embolism, pleural effusion, metastatic disease, pulmonary edema, gastroesophageal reflux disease with aspiration, restrictive lung disease
Psychogenic: panic attacks, hyperventilation, pain, anxiety
Upper airway obstruction: epiglottitis, foreign body, croup, Epstein-Barr virus
Endocrine: metabolic acidosis, medications
Central: neuromuscular disorders, pain, aspirin overdose
Pediatric: bronchiolitis, croup, epiglottitis, foreign body aspiration, myocarditis

Wow, see, we learn something new everyday! Wow! Who knew? Well now I know what it's called when Ican't breathe, it's NOT just an asthma attack, and what I'm learning is that it's ALL connected. Just like life, and human beings, EVERYONE and EVERYTHING is absolutely CONNECTED!!! When ONE thing in our bodies goes wrong, it causes a chain reaction. And even if we don't know it, or feel it, another part of our body will pay for the part that originally crapped out on us. For instance, my lungs....the asmtha and COPD causing the Dyspnea......my esphogaelatrisia causing my heartburn and gastrostomy tube.......my vocal chords being messed up b/c they had to put a tracheotomy in me all those years. It's absolutely amazing how much it all connects now. It adds up!

No, it's not fair, but hey, I'm still HERE! And that's what counts.

I'm begining to realize the importance of and the lesson that you have to BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE. I mean, my mom was my advocate for so long. And God knows that woman poured her heart, soul, love, money, time and devotion into me like no one else on earth. She fought for me, with me, by me, and kicked the crap outta doctors and called laywers and slept under cribs and walked up and down the steep, cold windy hills of San Francisco and brought me "real," food when I was in the hospital, and that was ALL beyond awesome and amazing and wonderful! And I will never, ever forget ALL those things she did for me, not just when I was sick, but when I was healthy too.

Being a mom is hard enough, let alone having a "sick," child and I was really sick.

She was always there for me, with me, for me......but now she's wrapped up in her own life and boyfriend and stuff, just like I am. I've been ranting and raving and taking total offense to that, although I don't agree with her choices in men, maybe this is how it's supposed to be.......I mean, Iam 21, and it's time to cut the chords a bit. SOMETHING had to happen to make me want to leave and take my life into my own hands. It's hard and tough and scary and makes me cry even thinking about it, but......you know, she's still there for me when it counts, and she always will be, and so what if maybe she isn't going to all of my appointments w/ me or calling and screaming at Dr's for me, maybe it's b/c she's trying to teach me (or mostly God is) that I have to stand up for myself. My mom never stood up for herself, she still doesn't in most ways, so maybe by her not doing that, and her not going to every appointment in the last two or three years, she's saying to me in a round about way "Sarah, stand on your own two feet. I'm on your side, I'll help, but I can't/won't do it all. I won't always be here and it's YOUR life, YOUR body and YOUR health and it's YOUR responsibility." Wow. Thanks Mom!

Oh my God, that just "clicked," just now. Whoa, I think I just forgave her for all of it. Holy cow! Yeah, my mom drives me nuts, what mother doesn't right? She's picky and anal and takes too much shit from people, including me. She's made HORRIBLE choices in men and let people/men walk ALL over her ALL her life. She CONTINUALLY goes back for more when it comes to unhappiness, debt, and abuse, but she's a damn STRONG woman. And I WISH that I had her heart. Because her heart is really the best I've ever known. My mom will do anything for anyone and never expect anything back. She's the nicest, kindest, most generous, loyal and fair person I think I've ever known. Sure, Ricky has changed her a lot, and mostly now, her and I fight. We disagree, we argue, we bitch, and my mom does not laugh like she used to or enjoy life as she once did, but over all, she's still here-and even with all our fighting and bickering....her health is crappy too lately, and the thought has crossed my mind, while I hope it's not for at least two or three or four decades, on the sad, sad day that my mom's not here to do that arguing, bitching and fighting w/ me......it's gonna break my heart. Her birthday is next month, and I'm trying to think of something special and cheap that I can do for her. I don't know what, but it's gotta be something AWESOME-just like HER!

I heard the other day that at some point you stop taking responsibility for your children's choices; that's true, but I also think that at some point you stop taking responsibility for your parents' choices. Parents are people too, and often times they have a WHOLE other life before you and after you. And while their main idenity is ALWAYS your parent, they're human beings. They mess up, they make mistakes, they aren't perfect, they're at fault just like the rest of us. And I don't know why we, as children, hold them up on these pestidols, even as we're adults ourselves, we hold our parents on pestidols that really no one could stand on. It's crazy!

I hate my mother's CHOICES....I hate that I've had to pay for her stupid choices.....I hate that I've had to face HER consequences and sometimes get the short end of the stick b/c of a choice SHE made. I HATE that she doesn't take care of HERSELF and her health. But I LOVE my mother. I hope and pray she knows that. She thinks she's a terrible person, she's not, she must makes some terrible choices-that's all. We are NOT our mistakes, WE ARE OUR VICTORIES AND OUR TRIUMPHS, and mom and I have had PLENTY of those!!!!

See, just like mom, I'm not perfect either. I've messed up too. I've made many wrong choices.....

Although, in my own life, I look back and think "nothing was a mistake b/c I learned from it all," and if you were to take even ONE experience or person away from that life, than who would I be? I might be someone totally different?

So, if I don't think my life is a mistake, why should I expect my mother to think that the choices in her life have all been mistakes? God, Sarah, DUH! No, you're not supposed to think that. Wow. Lightbulb, Lightbulb, Lightbulb!!!!

Does that mean that I just have to accept her bad choices and say that how she's acted in the last few years is OKAY?

Does it mean thatI have to just say "oh, no problem, you had every right do and say the things you did-repeatedly." No, it doesn't.

It simply means that I am now an adult, that I understand to an extent, as much as I can, and that I am not going to let it consume me anymore.

I AM NOT MY MOTHER. I AM NOT HER CHOICES.

I AM THAT I AM.

I AM MY OWN LIFE.

I AM MY OWN SELF.

I AM A CHILD OF GOD.

I AM THE LIGHT OF GOD......

And we all are!

I'm no different than anyone else.........

Forgiving my mama, or anyone else...it simply means that I'm going to look on the bright side, like she taught me herself, and that I'm going to look at ALL the FABULOUS, AWESOME and WONDERFUL things she's said, done and been throughout my life-and she has been!!!!!

My mom and I are very much alike, in both good and bad ways. We're very loyal, loving, affectionate, fair people. We're happy and positive and STRONG and determined. And we ALWAYS land on our feet. We take what life gives us and we make the best of it. We sincerely CARE about others (although I am MUCH more selfish than she is, which basically means she cares more about others than herself), and we love life-most days. LOL! But, we're also very anal and stubborn and domineering. We want thigns our way (who doesn't), we have a big tendency to CORRECT people when they do things not OUR way.....we're REALLY clean (okay, she's dang looney when it comes to cleaning, but the more I look around-uh, yeah, I'm definately Linda's daughter).......but I do believe that my mom and I are good people. We have good hearts and we're really smart. And we have eachother. And no one and nothing can take that away.......

that being said, one of the reasons I don't want children is b/c I don't want to have to explain myself and my life to my child. I don't think my mom or ANY parent absolutely HAS to explain themselves to their kids, but hopefully, you know what I mean. I don't want my bad choices to mess up someone else's life, I don't want my health to affect my child's health or quality of a normal life. I don't want to be broke all the time and not be able to provide for my child without constantly worrying and stressing myself out over bills like my mom does and has for over ten years. I don't want to have to tell someone why their grandma or great grandma is the way they are, good or bad. And selfishly, I want my life for myself. I want my time, my space, my peace and quiet and I want my family to myself. I want my mom to be my mom and my grama to be my grama and so on, if I had a kid, then we'd all be adding another dang title to the mix and who needs that? We all have enough "titles," and identities as it is!

I LOVE kids, I ADORE kids, they're full of laughter, fun, joy, grace, hope, love, wonder, awe, inspriation, motivation, and piss n' vinegar. And each moment w/ a child is a blessing, they're awesome, awesome little beings. They know so very much and are so funny and they just put it ALL into perspective and FORCE you to get out of YOURSELF. And that's great! But, I like coming home at the end of the day, to my quiet, clean, the way I left it, house. I like having uninterupted time w/ my boyfriend, this blog entry, or a TV Program. I like my time and I liek my life. And if I can't work a 40hr a week job, how the HECK would I raise a child? I can't go nonstop w/o sleep, INSTANT illness. Sincerely, I can't go and go and go and go and go....and that's what parents do, it's a 24/7 job w/ NO sick days, NO vacation, and kids just DON'T care if you're tired, hungry, sick, etc......they need what they need when they need it and that's that. And therefore, I'll love children, I'll be the Nanny, the Aunt, the Godmother, the Super Sarah....but I will not "Mom," and you know what, that's ok. Thank God that I live in a period where I have that CHOICE. I know that, and that's ok, I can't really birth kids anyway, so I think it's great that I get to make that choice and be secure with it. That's truly awesome!!!!

Sometimes I feel I have to defend that choice, but I don't think I've ever met a childless person who's ever regretted not having kids. They all say, "well, it just didn't pan out, but I like my life." I'm sure they'll come a time when that clock starts ticking and let's face it, I'ma woman, I have that insticnt, I really do. But, just b/c I'm not going to be a mom doens't mean I'm going to be nothing. Women can be and do EVERYTHING w/o having children. How lucky am I to get that? So cool!!!!!

Ok, so now that I've TOTALLY sidetracked......sorry, let's write about what I've been wanting to write about.....

COMFORT: what makes you comfortable and why? What's comforting in your life? Things, places, smells, objects, sights? Why?

DREAMS: why it's okay to have them and why without them, what do we have to live for?

New entry for those though.....bye for now!

Many Blessings,
SL