What Defines Me? Blurbs on my life and life in general!

I really am getting somewhere with this post, it just doesn't seem that way! I took the long way around this time, but that's okay, it's my blog, I can do what I want.....

I sat here thinking the last couple of minutes about country music, it dawned on me; "hey, it's part of who I am. Being a country (music) fan is part of what defines me." No, it's not all that defines me, of course. But, had I not listened to country music growing up, I honestly believe I'd be a different person. Because of my mother, mainly, I was brought up the believe the following things: taking the high road always makes you the better person. You must always play fair and be fair. Always treat people the way you want to be treated. Someone always has it way worse than you do. Count your blessings. Believe in God, and believe in the power of the word. You always have to be loyal. You have to believe in yourself and respect yourself and everyone else. Everyone gets credit simply because they're another human being. Live everyday to the fullest and appreicate what you have. Life is tough, and not always fair--so get used to it. Nothing is free, working is necessary and you do get an A for effort! And you know, country music just reinforced all of that. Of course, not ALL of that came from my mother alone. My grandma(s), my fathers, my surrounding family and friends. But mostly, my mother and grandmother.

Growing up, you don't realize how vital your parents are to who you become. As an adult, I feel their influence each and everyday. But, it's not just my parents, I had many. Which is probably why I still believe in the addage that 'it takes a villiage to raise a child,' because it wasn't just ONE person who raised me--it was a lot of people who raised me. My mom and grandma, though, were the only constants.

Anyway, I understand now, why my mother introduced me to country music--because it really reinforced everything she was trying to instill in me. My mom always let me make my own choices, and to this day; my mom and grandma continue to do that--each day that passes in my life, I further my belief that "everyone makes their own choices," and I need to let them. That theory makes life a lot easier to handle! It allows me to back off and let it be--whatever it is.

Anyhow, my mother introduced me to country music, she did not, however, push it on me. I would've chosen it anyway. I always say country music found me--and I still feel that way. It represents so much of who I am. My beliefs, my philosophies. I may not be a redneck, or a conservative Republican, but there are so many times in my everyday life that I call upon the lyrics and lessons of country music. So, I made a decision today--probably much to the dismay of my boyfriend--sorry, babe...but, this is my conclusion: my children (when I have them) WILL be exposed to country music. They don't have to love it like I do, but they will listen to and they will, if nothing else, respect it. I want to raise them with similar values.

I DON'T agree with all of country music, for one thing, there's entirely too much alcahol expressed in it. I don't want my children thinking that drinking is totally okay. Sure, a drink every now and then is fine, but overalll, I will discourage my children from drinking--because that fine line from enjoying alcahol and abusing it, is so very thin. I don't want my children to think that all war is okay just because our President says so. I don't agree with that. But, I do believe it's important to support your troops no matter what, you may disagree with their task at hand, but you have to support their bravery. We wouldn't be sitting here in liberty and peace without them. Thank God for them.

I want my children to believe in God. I don't really care which God they choose; I'd prefer them to take a Christian approach when it comes to God, but if they want to be Jewish, Budhist, New Age, or whatever, that's fine. But they will know that they are a creation of God before anything else. I will tell them that although I'm their mother, I'm simply a vechicle for the miracle that they are!

I heard once in a Kaballah class that "everything you have in your life is on loan," and I'm starting to believe that. Our children, our loved ones, our material posessions, they're all on loan. They're all gifts--especially the people in our lives--but someday, they won't be here. I don't even mean not here on this earth. I just mean--people grow, people change. They move on, and move out. If you look at everything in your life as though it's on loan, you come to appreicate all of it so much more!

I will be moving out of my mother's house this year, and that will be one of the MOST difficult things I'll ever do. But, it's also time, it's something I'm looking foward to and embracing--or trying to! LOL! I really am getting more and more ready for it, honest! But my point is, children are meant to grow up and leave. The other day at Colin's Aunt's house, she was saying how all five of her children will soon be gone and she dislikes that. I agree, that must be hard, I can't even imagine. But, that's the way it's SUPPOSED to be. We're supposed to grow up and leave. And, I think, if your children are capable of leaving, and want to in some way, that's a good sign. I'm not talking about kids who say "I cannot wait to leave you, I hate you," obviously, that's not cool. But, think about this:

I think it's a parents' job to raise a child to be as independent as possible. Now, finanical independence is getting more and more difficult these days; but, my point is: it must be a great feeling to send your children out into the world knowing that you did the best you could. You may not always agree with their choices, but hopefully, you've raised them with enough self-respect, respect for others, and a belief in themselves and in God, to do the right thing. Besides, parenting is a LIFELONG job, even when us kids leave the home of our parents, it's still not over for them--or us.

So, I think that no matter what people say--for me at least, being my mother's daughter, and my grandmother's grandaughter--that is what most defines who I am. Being a country music fan defines who I am too. Being a chronically ill person defines who I am. Being a child of God defines who I am. And now, I'm lucky enough to be adding new definitions to that, such as, being Colin's girlfriend, THAT too is starting to define who I am. So, what defines who I am? I'm a child of God, I'm my mother's daughter, my boyfriend's girlfriend, my grandmother's grandaughter, the survivor of 32 surgeries, a country music fan, a big sister, a writer and a friend.

Being a wife, someday, will obviously define who I am. Being a mother, will define who I am a lot. Being a writer, now and later, also defines who I am.

The great thing about this is, because there are so many factors that determine who I am--none of them overlap the other. I know I have to get the point where being my mother's daughter does not come first or second on that list, but I'm not there yet, and that's okay. Being my mother's daughter will always be on that list, as it should be. (We are all our parents' children, forever!)

Maybe it's not healthy to define myself as daughter/girlfriend, etc......but it's true. I have other identities, of course.

But, I'm thinking about this and writing about it because I feel a shift.....and here's the part that my boyfriend will like:

I'm not as afraid of saying that being his girlfriend defines who I am, to a point, as a I used to be. I was like the girl in Kelly Clarkson's "Miss Independent." The one who wasn't gonna fall in love, wasn't gonna get caught up in a man, wasn't going to have anything to do with that....well, guess what, Miss Independent fell in love, and is loving every minute of it. Even the difficult ones!

Before I met Colin, over the course of this past summer, I was already changing many theories on that "Miss Independent" thing. I knew that I had open myself up and that I did want a boyfriend. I knew that the right one would come along, I knew that God would send him to me. I didn't know it'd be so soon, but I knew it would be worth the wait. I knew that I would embrace it as much as possible and be open to it. I knew that if I wasn't, and I didn't, I would miss out on a truly wonderful thing. I was scared to death when Colin came along. I was expecting to have wait much longer. Thankfully, I didn't have to. But, part of the reason I think Colin showed up when he did is beause of this:

My life was already full and blessed. I was in school, I was pretty healthy, I was happy. I was content with who I was. I still am. I was happy with my life and enjoying it as it came. And THAT is when Colin showed up.

I think the whole 'when you're not looking' thing is very true. I've found that people either rally against having (romantic) relationships or are desperate for them. Neither of which is healthy, by the way. I was content either way. If a great man showed up, wonderful! If he didn't, that was okay too. I still feel that way. If Colin left tomorrow, yes, it would break my heart, I would totally miss him. I'd be devasted and cry and cry and cry. But, life WOULD go on. And whiel I do NOT want anyone else now, eventually, if he wasn't here, I'm sure I would. And someone would come along, and if that didn't happen for a while, okay, fine. Whatever will be, will be.

By the way, for the very first time in my life with a man--in any capacity; friend, lover, father or otherwise, I'm pretty damn certain Colin's NOT leaving me. Insecurity is so unattractive, and while I know that logictically speaking, he COULD leave, I don't think he will. And that is the best feeling in the world!!! But there again, it's all about balance--balance that sense of security we have in eachother, but don't take it for granted. I think it's important to know that your partner may not leave you, but you need to remind them (just by being yourself) why they stay!

Anyhow, having Colin come into my life was, is and will always be, one of the very best things that has ever happened to me!!! He is one of my greatest blessings and biggest gifts! He is my friend and my partner, and I am his, really, his! And that's just awesome!

He IS changing who I am and how I see things. People always say "don't let him/her change you," well, that's a bunch of crock. People change people. Not in a "you need to be this way instead of that way," kind of way, but people change one another, they really do.

It's not even an intentional thing, really. You just sit and think about it, or heck, even just FEEL it and go "dang, that's different." After five months of being Colin's girlfriend, I look back and I go "oh, well, I don't see it that way anymore," about certain things. I'm sure he can say the same. I'm not talking about sincerely trying to change someone else. Or letting someone (anyone) change who YOU are at your core. That's dumb.

I've always known who I am and always will. Colin's absolutely right when he says "you'll always be you," and that's true.

But, I do find myself struggling to find a balance between being his girl and being myself.

The truth is, I'm still a feminist in some senses. No, not in the bra-burning, man-hating way. But in the "I can't lose myself for a man, women deserve equality" kind of way. Feminism is simply the radical notion that women are people too. That's all.

Anyway, Colin has changed that, too, though. I've found that some of my passions in life have become deeper and richer, because of Colin, while others, have been completely toned down.

It's not that I've lost anything because of him (in fact, I've gained so much more!) it's just that I've re-arranged a few things.

Whether it's a room in your home that you change a bit so that it now looks like you're a couple, instead of a single person; or an opinion that you change because you realize that you were dead wrong about it before, or whatever, when you have a partner--re-arranging DOES happen. And there's no use in fighting it. It comes with the territory, so just accept it and move on.

I've always rallied against change, always! I'm getting better at accepting it, but I think on some level, we're all afraid of it. Especially me. But, change is constant, and it can be beautiful!

With Colin in my life, I've gotten used to certain things in my life now that didn't occur to me before.

For instance, marriage. A few years ago I NEVER wanted to get married. I NEVER wanted to have children. I was NOT going to marry anytime before I turned 30. I was NOT going to become a mom. I was NOT going to let a man define any part of who I was. LOL! Ha! Well, guess what? I was wrong, wrong, and wrong again.

My mother taught me that life is all about balance, so I'm careful not to let one overlap the other. IT IS ALL ABOUT BALANCE, really!

But, the truth is: I can either be that woman I used to be and wind up alone. Or, I can meet my boyfriend (and society) half way and be happy and in love with a wonderful partner by my side.

I DO want to get married (eventually), I DO want to have children ( I'll start with one). And guess what? That's OKAY! I can still be me. I can be a mom and a wife, or at this point; a girlfriend, and still be me. I can still do my thing, and take time for me. I can still have my passions and beliefs and hobbies. I don't have to meld into my man--and I won't--ever. And I don't expect him to meld into me either.

There's a certain amount of distance partners have to place between themselves, I believe. But, there's also those times when you go "screw it, I give in," and let me tell you, those, in my experience, turn out to the best times.

I'm not talking about changing everything or rearranging your life entirely, of course not. But, come on, when a partner enters your life--there WILL Be some rearranging. it is NOT all about you anymore. There's this OTHER person to consider.

I think the reason people are supposed to find their partners/spouses (or whatever you want to call it) BEFORE they have kids is so that they can get used to putting someone else before themselves. Because once you have kids, it's rarely ever about you, ever again. It can be, for a few hours, or once a week, or here and there, but overall, nope, never again. And that's a beautiful thing too. I mean, really.

How horrible would this world be if we didn't learn how to step out of ourselves and give. My mother is the most (and sometimes stupidly) generous woman I know. She just gives and gives and gives and gives and gives. I don't know how she does it. To be honest, I often resent giving so much of myself out. I go and I do and I go and I do and then after a while I go "wait a minute! What about ME?"

I think THAT'S the good thing about being chronically ill. Because THAT has taught me that sometimes, it IS about me--and sometimes, as long as it's not everyday, that's okay. Again, it's all about balance. And time management. When I have that time alone, I do my own thing--like write, for instnace. When I'm with Colin, I'm with Colin. I do things 100% or not at all, and I like that about myself!

I try and be fully engaged in whatever I'm doing.

I want to be present for the presence.

I can't do this moment again, it is what is and I'm going to cherrish it!!!

I was thinking last night that five years ago--I was a Senior in High School and lord all might, I was so damn busy. I'm not busy now. I like it that way. I think it's become fashionable to say "I'm so busy," or "I don't have the time," the truth is--make the time. Turn off the TV, put down the phone, learn to say no.

In my experience, being too busy is not good. Being lazy isn't good either, but, seriosuly, if you're too busy, life will pass you by.

I have a great memory, but honestly, I do not remember most of my senior year of HS. I was just too busy. I remember a few key things like snow storms, spring break, prom and graduation, but that's about it. I don't ever want to be that busy again.

Being sick all of my life defines me because it has taught me both the art and the beauty of SLOWING DOWN! Being sick defines me because it has taught me what compassion and empathy are all about. Had I not been sick, perhaps I wouldn't undersatnd what those words mean (compassion and empathy).

Had I not been sick, I don't think I'd be able to take things slow like I do and ENJOY life everyday. I really do you know. Had I not been sick I wouldn't have realized the sheer fragility of life and the eminent end of it that each and every one of us faces. Had I not been sick I wouldn't appreicate the good health I enjoy today. Had I not been sick I would probably take for granted everything--my arms and legs for instance, breathing, picking my own meals, etc, etc, etc. Had I not been sick I would probably be making dumber choices in life.

Being sick isn't the only aspect of who I am, but it DOES define me, and how I live in my life today, in so many ways.

And that's okay too. I'm actually proud of that. And grateful for it too!

Anyway, back to the marriage thing--I'm in NO hurry, still. It still scares the hell out of me, honestly. I'm just not ready right now, and that's okay. But, I'm more open to it. I know that I'm a great girlfriend, who has a great boyfriend, so we'll probably be good at the husband and wife thing too. I think part of marriage is staying the girlfriend/boyfriend when possible. It's keeping it new and fresh while having the luxury and peacefulness of knowing who you're with. Besides, I hate dating, always did. I only dated around last summer, and I'm really glad I did. But, I'm also glad I don't have to date again.

Okay, so, sure, in all reality, Colin and I COULD very well break up tomorrow--you never know. Things change, people change, they forget to PAY ATTENTION (that's really all it is you know), but it's OKAY to say that I am with a man who I CAN see as my husband. I'm in no hurry to make him my husband, but still. Everyone says "oh you're so young, this is just one person," well yeah, that's true. I am young, and this is just ONE person.

COULD I find another IF this didn't work out? Absolutely! But you know what, I WANT this to work out, and more importantly, I DON'T want anyone else. And neither does he. He "likes the girlfriend thing," and I like the boyfriend thing! And I love that we both like that!

Life holds no gaurantees, but let me play the hopeless romantic that I am at heart for just a moment. Let's just say this DOES work out with Colin and we DO end up married....no it's not easy; yes, love, and relationships are tough, and a big pain in the ass sometimes (kind of like life), but at the end of the day, there is NOTHING better than having a partner, a best friend and a lover who is there for you, who you can be there for too!

And if/when this works out, hey, I met mine at 22 years old...do you know how young and lucky that is. He was 26 when he met, I was 22. That's pretty darn awesome to find it so young. I really believe it CAN work out, if WE decide it will. And thank God I FINALLY have a man who is willing to work at it. I think women do more of the work anyway, but still, he's willing to hear me out and take care of me and that is the best feeling in the world!!! We LIKE taking care of eachother, we LIKE being together, we LIKE eachother. More importantly, we LOVE eachother and that's all that counts!

I had a friend a few years ago who said to me "you have to look at every person you seriously date as the possible 'one' for you, because if they're not, what's the damn point?" And that is so true. Colin and I have both agreed that while we're still very young and new, if there's ever a time when one of us can't see ourselves with the other for the rest of our lives, we're done. We've agreed that while we'll just take it as it goes, we're also not going to take it as a fling--we're done with those.

I WANTED a serious relationship, I WANTED God to find me someone worth settling down with. Not because I'm 23 and SHOULD, but because let's face it, crap, I'm already 30/40 on SO many levels. LOL! I've always been a serious, comitted and loyal kind of person, and I've never, ever been flighty. I don't go through friends, or boyfriends, like water. And I'm proud of that!

I wanted a committed relationship. I don't have to rush to the altar, but I also don't have to date around at my age because that's what I'm 'supposed,' to be doing. Screw that. I'm happy, I make my boyfriend happy, and that's all that counts!

Also, you know, I've never done things on schedule with the rest of my peers. I either do them way earlier or way later. And I've given up on caring which end of the spectrum I do a certain thing on!

As for marriage, I do feel a pressure to do it from our families. I think that although there are more non-married people in this country today than married ones, it's still expected of people.

I'm tired of the "when are you getting married?" question, but I'm also just as tired of the "you know, you're young and he's only one perosn and this doesn't have to be your husband," thing too.

Why can't we just ENJOY what we have in eachother, TODAY! Who CARES about where it ends up. It's MY CHOICE!!!! It's OUR CHOICE!

If we want to get married, we will; if we don't, we won't. And right now, neither of us is ready. I will know when I am. I am going to enjoy living apart, being the girlfriend and dating him, because hey, if he turns out to be my husband, I'll never (hopefully) be a girlfriend again. There's something beautiful about all of that!

My point at the end of this very long entry is that I've stopped fighting what is happening in my life. I'm learning more about who I am and what defines me and I'm at peace with all of it!

I'm no longer rallying against the many changes that are occuring in my life. I'm no longer listening to the pressures of either side, from anyone.

I'm going to follow Colin's advice and "just deal with as it comes," he has a very good point there! And hey, if being his girlfriend is part of what defines me, that's okay too.

I'd rather be a defined girlfriend than a lonely bitch who's not willing to open herself up to anyone. (Sidenote: being single is great, there are many benefits to it. Women, in general, do NOT need a man, and good for them. The men in our lives do not have to define us, in any way. But, it's OKAY if they do too--to a point!).

Whew, okay, I'm DONE for today! At least about this! Hey, this is a blog, like a journal, and it's mine, so there are NO rules here. Just my many hurried trains of thought! LOL! I need to go to the store today and look at hardrives for my computer--gotta run! I hope grandma's doing well in surgery and I'll be sure to write about how it turned out as soon as I know!

Thank you Lord for my beautiful life, and for the new sense of peace you've instilled upon it! God Bless us everyone!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)