Happy August...or not....or...well, a bunch of things/feelings at once!

Today is August 1st, 2009--duh, right? Well, if I'm being honest with myself, and with all of you, I'm not a fan of August. It's probably my least favorite month of the year, along with January (sorry to my husband, as January is his birth-month, but I still don't like it)! For starters, August to me represents the beginning of the end of Summer--and I LOVE Summer! Granted, here in Vegas Summer WEATHER lasts well into September, and sometimes even October, but, still...none the less, the days start getting shorter in August, school (for some) starts back up and well, there's nothing really fun about August in my humble opinion. Is that bad? I mean, normally, I'm such a cheerful, look on the bright side, type of person, but I just don't care that much for August. I think one of my other problems with this month is that it's the 8th month of the year, and I don't like the #8. We don't get along, 8 & I....some people are afraid of the #13, others detest even/odd digits--me, I don't like 8. So, that alone is reason enough for me to not like August. I actually like the way the word August sounds, and I'm sure this month won't be horrible. I get to move at the end of it, which is nice--(new apartment, not the actual moving part!), and as far as I can remember, nothing tragic has ever happened in my life in the month of August. I don't really remember having a major surgery in August, though I'm sure at some point, I have. Just not one I can remember--thank God! No parents divorced in August in my life, and no romantic breakup for myself ever happened this month either! So, you see, I really have no good reason to dislike the month of August--it's just low on my radar of "Months to be excited about!" I hope that makes sense! As an adult, I guess I could say AUGUST RULES simply BECAUSE there are NO major holidays and only 3 birthdays this month--a slow month in my family now! (When I married Colin, I got a big family--for which I'm very grateful for, YAY! Sincerely, I've always wanted one!) My good friend, Sarah J's birthday is this month, so that's cool! She'll be 25, and I keep telling her how wonderful it is, and it is! It's my favorite age so far, 25 & 4!!! The totally rule! So, anyway, I'm noticing that as I'm writing my mood is picking up...which is good, because I think I've been depressed lately. In all honesty, it just dawned on me this morning that "Hey, Sarah, you might be depressed." I'm not even sure why I might be depressed, but for some reason, I think I am. Perhaps it's the moving at the end of the month, I always dislike having to move. I always end up loving where I move to, but moving has always been hard for me. I get VERY attatched to the places that I live, and the houses that I make my homes! Even though Coin & I BOTH absolutely LOVE the place we're moving into, I don't know...it's hard for me. Maybe I'm making it harder than it has to be, but this Vivaldi Drive house was my first home away from my mother. It was (is) mine and Colin's first place together. It's the house where we got engaged and married in, and fought like cats and dogs into. It's where I job-searched, found a job and went back to school in. It's where I turned 24 and 25....it's just....kind of hard to leave. On one hand, I'm TOTALLY EXCITED and BEYOND READY to leave this place--it's been great, but it's also been difficult and I honestly feel like I won't have as much "adjusting" or "settling" to do in the new place. You know. Like, Colin and I are used to living together, we've been married almost 5 months now and we're kind of getting our groove down, to a point, you know. Our new place is SO great for us and I can totally see us living there together quite happily. Not without the stress and BS that adult life/marriage can sometimes throw at you, of course, but overall, just happy there! I think also not having a job is depressing me too lately. Like, I wanted time off from job hunting, and I'm so glad I took it, but now it's like "damn, I'm a housewife again," and since my husband is working all the live-long day most days, I'm left to do whatever's in the house. And as bad as this may sound, I just don't want to. That's awful, isn't it? I'm so lazy lately and so unmotivated. I've to a house to go through, pack, clean & organize and for the last week, I just don't to. I feel horribly guilty (despite my mother telling me over and over again that "guilt is a waste of time, Sarah," and my husband telling me "don't worry, it'll all get done,"), I feel like I SHOULD be cleaning, organizing this house up with a mad furry! I SHOULD be on a schedule, and I SHOULD be doing X, Y & Z EVERY SINGLE DAY! But damn it, I just want to sit on the couch and read my books and zone out. THAT'S how I know I'm a bit depressed, not SEVERELY depressed, but just a tad. I still have the urge to go pretty up and put on my makeup and doing my hair and make my house somewhat presentable should anyone decide to drop by, so like I said, I'm not ENTIRELY depressed, just a little. I'm so grateful for the gifts I have in my life, and I have so much. But sometimes, we (I) get a little off track and we have to find our way back. You know what I mean? I'm not so down in the dumps that I want to do nothing, but I'm not so in the mood to take it all on right now. Perhaps I'm not as depressed as I am just OVERWHELMED! I look around our house at all this stuff that needs to be sifted through, organized, packed up and cleaned and it's just like OH DEAR GOD, WHERE DO I START?! Now, in all fairness, I HAVE started! Last week, I cleaned out my closet and both of our bathrooms--so that's was good. And I CLEANED them out real good! But now I'm stalling again, and I'm not sure why. I WANT my house to be clean, organized and know where the heck things are! I WANT to know what I have and what I don't. I WANT my house to look a certain way and I want my husband to be proud of the hard-working wife at home he's married too! I really do! It's just a matter of getting off my butt to do that! In all fairness, I do run most of the errands, physically pay most of the bills and handle most of the phone calls around here. So it's not like I do TOTALLY NOTHING all day long, and I REFUSE to become my mother, inherently never satisfied with the way my house looks. Sorry, mom, I love you dearly, but you never were and it always looked immaculant and wonderful! That's another thing, I just noticed. If you haven't noticed, I haven't been writing blogs as much, and it's not because I don't want to write, it's because I go back and forth between "should I write that, should I not?" "Does the world really care (probably not)," "Do I really want to share that with the world?" Because really, you have to be careful with blogs. I don't want to post bad things or hurtful things. As much I would love to sit down and write about EVERYTHING at times, I know in the long run, it's not condusive to my life. Writing is, yes, it's my gift, my therapy, my craft and my outlet. It is all of those things. But this blog, as much I like to pretend it is at certain times, is NOT A PRIVATE JOURNAL. Yes, it IS a journal, it IS a place to share my thoughts/happenings/events/joys/sarrows, but ANYONE can read this. ANYONE! And honestly, lately, that is scarring the hell out of me. I don't know who, or even if, ANYONE reads this blog but me, and overall, I do like having it. But, I've had this blog for almost 5 years, and it seems EVERYONE has one now too. We're all on Facebook and MySpace and blogging our butts off. And really what for? Who for? For ourselves so we can feel extra important in the world? For the world who, in the long run, will judge us for whatever we say/don't say? For our own personal gratification? Why? Why do we feel the need to broadcast ourselves and entire lives to the world now? Sincerely, I wonder why? Because it's popular? Or right? Or, what? I still REFUSE to Twitter and although I enjoy my time/friends on Facebook VERY much, I tire of it easily. Well, sometimes that is, and sometimes, I totally love it! This IS all a great way to keep in touch with family/friends, and I've made some AMAZING friends online, most of whom I've never met in person. I've always been extremely careful and CONCIOUS about what I post--wherever I post it, on the World Wide Web. But, sometimes I miss REAL LIFE! The trees, flowers, sunshine, mountains, rivers, streams...but here's the thing...last week when Colin & I went up Mt. Charleston for the day, I couldn't freakin' breathe! COULD NOT BREATHE! Do you KNOW how annoying and downright SCARY that is?! I mean, my goodness. So it got me thinking? Are we SO out of shape as a society, including me, that we can't even take a little walk in the woods? I wanted to take that walk up in the mountains. I did NOT miss my computer while up there. I very much enjoyed the fresh air and GREENERY! It was absolutely FABULOUS and REFRESHING! But, it got me thinking--why are we not out here more often? Why do we spend SO much of our time on websites, and blogs and social networking sites? I do it too, so I'm sounding like a total hypocrite here, but still. I think that maybe we're forgetting how to LIVE, and REALLY communicate with one another! Truth be told, I AM glad I have this blog, and I AM glad I have Facebook...but I want them to be a PART of my life, not my WHOLE life. I have an inkling lately to GET OUT and ENJOY REAL LIFE! Real, physical, tangible...LIFE! Not pretend games and quizes and quests. Not "chatting," online, but rather in PERSON, like real 3 Dimensional people do, or at least we should be! So, I think that's another reason I'm a bit depressed lately, it's because I've realized that even though I love my husband a lot, and my life in general....I'm lonely. I'm honestly a little lonely. I want friends in TOWN, across the table from me. A few weeks ago, Colin & I had two events that we attended, a wedding & a concert--and I LOVED it! I LOVED going out and INTERACTING with the world---instead of my computer screen, TV Remote and other FLAT SURFACES! Here's the thing--I'm really a loner, I sincerely LIKE spending time with myself--I enjoy my company and when I'm SURROUNDED with people and do NOT get time along, I go a bit crazy--not literally, but I'm one of those who NEEDS to my time to myself--AWAY from others, but you know what? At 25, I'm finally realizing that I DO need people. I DO need social interaction. I DO need to go out and like my grandma's always said to me, perhaps, I am a "Social Butterfly." I always disliked it when she said that, but she's not that wrong. She's grandma, you know, she can't ever be totally wrong! But still, I need BALANCE! I need EQUAL time alone, and with others! My mother always told me to BALANCE my life, and while STRIVING for BALANCE is never-ending and at times, completely unattainable....she too, is right! I didn't get this smart on my own, I have a fabulously smart mother and grandmother--I am so blessed! And the truth is, I am blessed beyond measure, but that doesn't distract from the fact that sometimes, life gets in the way. Sometimes, you feel a little blue. But after having written this entry, no matter how ALL OVER THE PLACE it may have been (sorry, folks!), and eating a LOAD of fresh fruits/veggies for dinner last, I AM feeling better! I AM getting in the mood to tackle at least ONE thing around my house. And I AM human, so I'm allowed to get down and blue occasionally. But I also know, that above all...because I did meditate this morning....I AM a child of God. I AM a child of the Light! I AM Strong and capable! And I AM ready to log off this computer and go participate in real life...follow my own advice...even if it means I'm stuck in paperwork today, rather than people! Oh well, maybe tomorrow! Thank you, Lord, for everything! I AM blessed! And it is ALL because You! Please forgive me for my down moments, you know my heart, you know my head, and you know that I always mean well! Please continue to bless those people, and things, that I love!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)