Working on a marriage...

Anyone who is married will tell you that you have to work at it. Some people work harder at it than others, and some of us have everyday obstacles in our marriages that we must repeatedly overcome. For me and Colin, it's our health. But, since we have decided to not let the state of our health (whatever it may be) define the state of our marriage--it's gotten much better! Truth be told, we are newlyweds, so we're not old pro's at this marriage thing and all we're doing is taking it one day at a time. But in the (almost) six months that I have been married, here is what I've learned about marriage:

*It changes EVERYTHING! Not as much as becoming a parent, but it still changes everything. Your relationship with each other, your relationship with others and especially your relationship with your parents.

*You will have countless ups and downs, and the ups better be up enough to keep you going through the downs!

*Compromise, paitence, trust and forgiveness--those are the names of game, my friends! A lot of people talk a lot about love, and don't get me wrong--I love my husband enormously--but it takes a hell of a lot more than love to sustain a marriage! You can easily love someone and not be married to them, lots of people do it, just ask them! In addition to a lot of love--and remember that love is displayed through actions, more than words--you HAVE to LEARN how to do each of the above.
--Compromise: endless compromising--you're going to win some, you're going to lose some. A lot like life itself! You have to PICK YOUR BATTLES! And you have to be big enough and mature enough to realize that not everything is going to turn out your way. Some of us (ahem, me in this case) have a harder time with this than others. It's vitally important though, because if you can't learn to compromise with one another, your life together is going to be one big battle!

--Patience: lots and lots and lots of patience. Patience with your spouse, patience with yourself. Patience when you hit a rough patch, and patience with the learning curves you'll both experience.

--Trust: it's pretty hard to love & compromise with someone you can't trust. Whether it's trust their fidelity, their character or their ultimate motivation, you have to trust them. I'm not talking blind trust or ignoring the red flags when they appear. Nor as I talking about keeping a dozen secrets from each other and not being aware of what's really going on in his/her life. I am talking about trusting that you married someone perfectly capable of honoring the commitment they've made to you. I'm talking about trusting that you married someone who sincerely only wants the very best for you--regardless of how their nagging and nitpicking may come across. I'm talking about being secure enough in yourself to know that if your husband/wife checks someone else out, it doesn't mean they're automatically going to go shack up with them. It means they're human and that they have eyes. I'm talking about trusting that if/when it comes to a really big and possibly life-changing issue, they have the decency not to lie to you. If you married a halfway decent person who hasn't cheated on you, bankrupted you personally or committed tax evasion--there's really not a reason not to trust them. If you don't trust someone, it's really more about you than it is about them. Even the justice system is innocent until proving guilty.

--Forgiveness: no one is perfect--NO ONE! You and your spouse WILL mess up, you WILL inadvertently hurt each other's feelings from time to time. You'll get pissed off and say something you probably don't mean. (This isn't an excuse, though, for continued belittlement or verbal abuse--that's a whole other topic!) We're all human, we all get angry, we are all probably more sensitive than we'd like to admit to. Even men. So you have to be willing to forgive. If you have a spiritually-based marriage this will be easier because you will realize how God forgives you for your many flaws! If you cannot honestly forgive someone, I reccomend not getting married.
(And granted, some things are unforgiveable, you have to decide what those unforgiveable things are for yourself; for me, it's beating, for my husband, it's cheating--neither of which has happened.)

*Marriage may get easier as time goes by, but life itself will probably get harder. At times, you may feel like you're simply pushing against a great big current--but if you can realize and recognize that you're pushing against that same current--TOGETHER--than the rest of it won't seem as hard.

*You have to be willing to classify yourself as your OWN FAMILY: even if you don't have kids, you are now a unit of your own. You have to learn to respect and protect this unit. You have to learn how to nurture it. It doesn't mean your other family(s) become obsolete. It doesn't mean you never go anywhere without the other. It doesn't mean you don't take turns seeing respective families on alternate holidays. It does mean that only you and your spouse can decide what is right for you, your marriage and your family. Sometimes it's easier to think of this way--if you see family as everything--like my husband and I--it becomes easier to protect the little family you've created.

*You have to believe that you really want the best for one another! I know, I already said this, but I can't say it enough. SO MUCH of the nagging, whinning, bitching and eye-rolling that goes in a marriage comes from your wanting the best for each other coming off the wrong way. No, you're not each other's parents and you can't be mommies and daddies to one another--however, when you marry someone, hopefully, you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Therefore, if they have a habbit (whatever it may be) that endangers the chances of that happening, when they nag at you to fix it, they're not nagging to nag--they're doing it because they truly do care and want the best for you. Because the best you means the best for them--and vice versa. At least in most cases!

*You have to realize that you are TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE! Even if you have a lot in common, it is VITALLY IMPORTANT TO KEEP A SENSE OF SELF! Have your own hobby(s), interests and friends--pick at least one or two things in your life that are just for you, and only you!

*Once you've defined those hobbies, interests and friends--SHARE THE REST! If you each have something that is clearly your own, it'll be easier to share everything else! You don't have to share EVERYTHING--we all need our own space, place to breathe and in my case, bar of soap! But, other than that, don't just share a bed, a bathroom and a kitchen table because you have to--share it because you know how lucky you are to have someone to share all of this with! Share your joys, your sarrows, your good days, your bad days and your shortcomings too! Share your passions, your affection and what you pride yourself on the most!

*Respect each other's alone time. Everyone needs time to themselves, even if they don't think they do. It may not be spent in silent solitude like I spend my alone time. It may be watching their favorite TV program on TV, reading a book or eating their own meal. But we all need our space. Marriage is work and sometimes, we all just need a break from it. Decompress from one another and feed your time alone and sense of self. Give each other the opportunity to 'check out' for a few hours, or even a day. Give each other the personal space (even if the only space you have is in the car with the radio) you both need and deserve.

*Obtain the attitude that no one else's opinion really matters. I'm not talking about when it comes to your job, your house, your cars, or your daily misgivings. I'm talking about your marriage. Now, if every person in your life comes to you and says "you know, I'm not so sure about so-and-so's actions/behaviors...." that's one thing. Definitely pay attention to that. But overall, don't let others' opinions about your spouse cloud your opinion of them. If your spouse is being a butthead--fine, it'll pass. You can probably be a butthead too! (I know I can!) Let your spouses character, words and actions speak for them self. You know your spouse, and hopefully, you'll learn something new about them everyday (or least once a week). You know they're not perfect. The things that bugged you about them when you were dating will only become amplified once you're married. But focus on the bigger picture. No one really has a right to judge your marriage, and the only person who can truly say whether or not you're a good spouse is your own spouse. Let them be the decider of that. Get and keep the opinion that no one else's opinion really matters when it comes to your marriage--because chances are, if you took a good hard look at those peoples' marriage (or past ones), you'd see a lot of the same stuff that's going on in yours! They're either jealous or seeing something about their own marriage that they don't like.

*Be each other's best friend: this means loving, caring, sharing, trusting and trying your best not to judge. Enjoy each other's company, plan fun activities together, or plan nothing at all. Whatever floats your boat. If you are good and honest best friends with your spouse, it's easier to treat them as a friend when you're not so crazy about them as a spouse.

*But have at least one other best friend, besides your spouse. I know, this might be wrong. But honestly--your spouse cannot be your EVERYTHING! Okay, yes, they ARE your everything overall...but my point is. Your spouse is only ONE person and you NEED other people in your life. You NEED someone else to talk to, vent to and laugh with. You NEED outside conversation and stimulation (though not physical, of course). It'll HELP your marriage, not hinder it. I reccomend this other best friend being someone of the same gender that you are. I especially reccomend this for women! Women need other women, and men need other men. Men and women are REALLY different creatures--we're wired differently, think differently and act differently. We may no longer be worlds apart in this day and age, but we are different. And no matter how much you love your spouse, he/she just isn't you--and they're not the same gender as you. (And if they are, hey, that's cool too!). Girls and guys just get things differently--and you need this.

*Don't expect to live the high-life all the time. Plan your spending, save some money (if possible) and decide which financial goals are more pressing at the moment. You won't have the dream house with the perfect furniture and best electronics all at once the first time around. So don't expect too. Allow each other little personal splurges ($5, $20, here and there), but other than that, make financial decisions together. Odds are, this will take LOTS of practice and LOTS of work and people often have VERY different spending/saving habbits. In my case, my husband and I come from VERY different economic backgrounds--but we're finally learning to meet in the middle. It's vitally important you do this--how you spend your money can make or break your marriage, and if you can't compromise in this area--goodluck in the rest of them!

*Create a budget together: mutually define what is important to both of you when it comes to your finances. Whether it's getting out of debt, saving for a big purchase (home, car, flat screen TV), saving for retirement, getting/keeping life insurance, eating a certain way, etc, etc, etc. Whatever it is, be honest about it and define it together. Oh, and don't say "no" to each other automatically when it comes to money. If you honestly can't afford it, hopefully, your spouse is grown up to realize that and would never put the two of you in the street willingly and knowingly. This is why COMMUNICATION about MONEY is so important! Besides, chances are, your spouse wants to spoil you as much as they can. Wives don't tell their husbands 'no,' on big electronics because it's fun, we say no because we honestly can't afford it right now. This is where compromise, patience and trust comes in--BIG TIME! But, you can't expect your spouse to go without everything when it comes to little luxuries in life. And you can't feel entitled to have everything you want when you're married. You're a family unit, remember. Make a budget and decide purchases as a family!

*Realize that the only person you can truly control is yourself! Again, pick your battles. So important!

*Be willing to fight, but fight fairly. Sometimes a good screaming match is all you need to feel better about one another. I'm not talking about a name calling--divorce threatening screaming match--but sometimes....a person just needs to vent! Sometimes a person just needs to share how they feel, and what's on their mind. And it won't always be in a nice, clean and maturily productive way. Come up with a list of things you won't say to each other in a fight (remember, once words are said they cannot be taken back--even if it's forgiven, it probably won't be forgotten). But other than that, let lose. If you're the rare couple that doesn't ever fight--well, I envy you. But, most of us do. Don't fight too much and too often, but don't avoid fighting at all costs. It can be good, it can let off some steam and best of all--it makes you vunerable and real. And, making up can be quite fun! :)

*Make sex a priority. Even if you're not in the mood, even if it's not on your to-do list. Do it anyway. Don't ever force each other into it, of course. That's never okay. But, be willing to have sex and have sex often. It may not be "sky, rockets and flight," every single time. But it will bring and keep you closer. It's like everyone else says--sex is the ONLY thing you do with your spouse that you don't do with everyone else. It's what makes your relationship special and exceptional, and most of all, it's a gift from God. So cherrish it. Take the time to actually make love to each other once in a while and be willing to have some quickies in between! They can be just the relationship/mood/energy booster you BOTH need!

*Kiss & hug often: don't just kiss and hug before or because you want to have sex. Kiss and hug to show your love and affection. Even if it doesn't come naturally to you, I bet most married people would say that one of their favorite things in this life is a kiss/hug from their spouse! It's definitely one of mine!

*Show your appreciation--there's lots of ways to do this. Everyone expresses it differently. But whether it be with a hug, a kiss, a spoken 'thank you,' or a little suprise gift. Showing that you greatly appreciate your spouse and all they do for you, and your marriage, works wonders for it!

*Say 'I Love You,' every single day. No matter what. Even if you're mad, even if you don't LIKE them that particular moment. Say I love you to them because you do. Because you wouldn't be here if you didn't, because life is short and we never know how or when our "forever," will run out.

That's a lot to learn in six months, I know! I didn't just learn it myself! I follow Alisa Bowman's Projecthappilyeverafter.com blog A LOT! A lot of this advice came from her, I just paraphrased in my own words. Some of this advice came from various magazines and things I've read and agree with. Some of this advice came from Dr. Lund, author of a 4-talk series on how to improve your marriage. He's Mormon, I'm not, (there's nothing wrong with being Mormon though, Colin & I have a lot of Mormon family & friends!) but none the less--the series made a lot of great points! Some of this advice came from "The Five Love Languages," by Dr. Gary Chapman--a book that needs reading if you are married, or planning to become so.

A lot of this I learned on my own. Some of it, I learned the hard way. And a lot of it, I learned from my husband. Whether I learned it by him telling me, watching him or leading one another through example, I have to say--a lot of it, I've learned from him.

Marriage changes everyday. It can be daunting, boring and difficult. But it can be also be fantastic, happy and absolutely wonderful! It can be the best thing in your life, but you'll usually have to work to keep it that way!

Thank you, Lord, for my wonderful husband and happy marriage!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)