Nice Sunday, in spite of Aunt Steph, Life is what you make it...

Colin's Aunt, Stephanie, remains on life support in the hospital. She has been declared brain dead, and today, it finally hit me. I think it took me a little longer because I don't the woman that well. I got up today, tired and uneasy, (okay, grouchy) but still, I meditated, took a nice long shower and called my Grandma. Then I meditated some more. I wish I had the attention span for it that I used to have, but these days, a meditation sessions lasts anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes. I'd sent Colin out to run his errands because I knew I was kind of sleepy and frustrated (really for no good reason) and didn't want to take it out on him, sometimes, a couple needs to forewarn one another and stay back when one is in a crappy mood. He knows. He took the hint and took off in the car. (I didn't send him away, actually, he invited me to go, I just was more interested in sleeping a little longer, that's all). Besides, given the hard time he's going through right now with his family, it is so not my turn to be bitchy, and I know that. Thankfully, after meditating some more and talking to grandma, I felt better and my mood improved. It was a nice conversation with my grandma, seeing her for by Birthday just made me miss her more. But, I digress. Anyway, I was feeling kind of blah, so I decided that since today (or rather, yesterday, now that it's 1am) was the day of rest, I'd do nothing. Then it occurred to me that I'd done that yesterday (Saturday) and my house really needed some attention. I try really hard to clean it weekly, I am my mother's daughter and she's absolutely right in that if you don't do at least a little bit each week, it's just impossible and too time consuming when you do! Luckily, thank God, Colin got up and helped me. And he was such a huge help too! He actually was laying on the couch, stood up and said "what can I do to help you? I don't want to just lay there and watch you clean the house. What do you want me to do?" I think I fell in love again! LOL! Any woman knows what I'm talking about, a man helping (especially willingly) with the housework is SUCH a turn on, and so kind and thoughtful! In reality, I think we both were cleaning and decluttering as a way to feel productive and get our minds off Aunt Stephie. We got a lot done too, and decided to take down our Christmas decorations early. We usually leave them up until Jan. 10th, the day after Colin's birthday, but it was just so cluttered and messy in here, we couldn't stand it anymore. Oh well. The house feels really nice now, it's still cluttered, but I mean, I am Sarah and I can't accomplish all of my New Year's Reoslutions in two days, you know. We threw out a few garbage bags of stuff and decluttered underneath our bathroom sink and drawers as well--the medicine cabinet too! I also went through the pantry and got rid of food we won't eat, well, actually, I loaded it up in a bag to donate, but anyway. Then we had to scramble to pay the rent and run like three different places to do it which was quite a hassle, but we kept each other calm and took turns being frustrated! Sometimes, I really love being a team. I'm going to be honest, sometimes Colin and I don't always feel like we're on the same team, and today was a great day because we were. We were working together to accomplish something mutually beneficial, and I love that! It was actually a really nice day! We went to the grocery store too and that was fun, I know, I think I'm the only one who has fun in a grocery store, but I do! Not always, and I usually can't stand going on the weekend (too crowded) but today was nice. We had a gift card and took turns on what to put in the cart. When we got home, I made dinner for me, him and my mom. Shrimp for them, and veggies for me, over Spaghetti Squash. It was actually my attempt at Scampi, which I've never ever made before, and for my first time, it wasn't that bad. I don't eat shrimp, but I did taste the sauce and it was quite yummy! So, yes, I'm expanding my cooking repitoire already! Yay! Anyway, after dinner, my mom and I watched Desperate Housewives and that was fun. There was a moment in the show where one of the characters has a disabled child and she makes him do things for himself. My mom always made me do things for myself and to this day, I appreciate that. Aunt Stephie's situation has really made me think about the people in my life (I do anyway) and how they won't always be here. It's a sad, sad thing to think about, terrifying even concerning some people, but it's a part of life. Death is a part of life. And it sucks. It's so damn final, and there's really no controlling it. (And we humans, we like to be in control). I can be all spiritual about it, and I was being, the last few days, I was doing really good too! I can share what I believe happens when we die, and where I think I'm going and say all sorts of stuff, but the reality is, there is absolutely nothing we can do to stop death. We're all going to die, sooner or later, it's just a matter of when and how. Aunt Stephie hasn't died, I want to make that abundantly clear, but her brain has and that is just, tragic. She's only 60, and our parents are only a few years away from that number. My own parents (mom and dad) aren't in the very best of health, they're not in the worst, just not the best; and I just keep thinking about Colin's cousins, Stephie's sons, and how young they are (mine & Colin's age) to lose a parent. No one, absolutely no one, replaces your mom. I really feel for them right now. My heart is breaking for all of Colin's family right now. But, still, I can't stop living. My not living is not going to keep someone from dying. The world will and does go on, even when we're not here anymore. It may sound disrespectful and trite, and I really don't mean for it to, it's just true. The rest of us, regardless of the pain that we're in when a tragedy like this happens, we have to get up, get dressed, pay rent, go to work (in some cases) and just keep on living. And in reality, I think that's the best way to honor those who can't live to the fullest right now. As Colin and I started cleaning today I thought "is this how I'd want to spend my last day?" And I said "well, when that day comes, no one is gonna care how clean my house was, or wasn't, but I have to do something today, it might as well be this. Then later on today, and tomorrow, I can enjoy the fruits of our labor and not worry about this messy house." And that's very true! You hear a lot of people say that we should live as though we're dying. And you know what, we are....all of us are a little closer to death each day, and perhaps that's why people don't like birthdays, because they see them as a great big reminder of that! I still love them because I GET to have them, and it is truly a privilage to have another birthday, or regular day for that matter. But, the point I'm trying to make is, I don't want to focus on my death, yes, it's inescapable, but I'd rather focus on my life. I believe we encounter that in which we put our energy towards, so I'd rather put my energy towards living, and enjoying the time that I've been given. It's such a gift. Times like these really remind of me that. So, of course I want to be concious of how I'm spending my time, and how my days are adding up. I want to be aware of where and how I spend my energy and such. And we shouldn't get caught up in little tiny things that really won't matter in the end, but we also should get caught up in the day to day-ness of life, sometimes, I believe, it's a good thing to get caught up in it because it means that we're truly living. I'm not talking about holding grudges or constantly battling someone or yourself, or taking anything to major extremes; it's just that sometimes, it's okay to get caught up in housework, bill paying, errand running. Be concious of what you're doing and enjoy it, but we're alive, and we're living, and we're supposed to be! I don't know if I'm making any sense what so ever, it's late, but I hope this is coming out right, it sounded so good in my head a few minutes ago. Anyway, my overall point is Aunt Stephie's situation has got me thinking a lot about life and death and it has me pondering. I believe every situation is an opportunity to learn, and I'm certainly learning from this one. I hope I'm being there for Colin in the way that he needs me right now, even if I don't quite know how to do that, I'm trying. In closing, I want to say that although life is crazy and hectic, and tragedy does strike....I still believe, deep down in my soul, that life IS absolutely what you make it. I realize that sometimes depression, the death of a loved one, a lost job, a divorce, chronic illness, inability to pay bills, and just overall yuckiness can make it a lot harder to make it good, and see it as joyful and miraculous--I really do get that. Sometimes it's just plain hard to see it that way, but it is....life still remains joyful, miraculous and wonderful. It's a trip, with constant ups and downs, but that's okay, because they're meant to balance one another out. You can't appreciate either one without the other, at least I can't. But at the end of the day, I still believe that life is what we make it. Sometime, it may take all we have to get out of bed, but we can; we can be grateful that we're alive and breathing, seeing and hearing, thinking and eating. (All without assistance, thank You, Lord!) Sometimes, it's all we can do to get out of bed, knock a few chores off the to-do list, make a meal and cling tight to those we love. Today, I am so glad I did just that, and I am grateful for every second of it! Thank You, Lord, for it all--a home to clean, the ability to pay rent, a helpful husband, wonderful parents (all four of them!), grandparents and the clothes on my back! My thoughts & prayers remain with Aunt Stephie and all of my husband's family right now. God is with you, and He is good. Maybe not always easy to understand, but God is good and life is grand! Times like these can be our greatest teachers of that. May you each find peace and comfort in the memories. We love you, Steph, we're pullin' for you and prayin' for you.

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz