Need to write...

I just felt the urge to come into the dinning room, sit in front of the big window, look at the tree, grab a cup of coffee and write! I don't even know what I'll end up writing about, I just have the urge to write. Last night was really enjoyable, it was low-key and relaxing. I enjoyed a bean burrito, I'm really into those lately, specifically the ones from Del Taco, they know me by name. LOL! I'm sitting here looking at the pictures of me and Colin--taken almost two years ago back in May of 2008 when we were engaged. I think that fact that our anniversary is a little less than two weeks away is putting us in a good mood! Like a little more loving, forgiving and understanding of each other, and hey, who couldn't use more of that in their marriage? I'm also looking at a picture of me and Billy Dean and thinking how downright awesome it is that I've gotten the chance to meet my favorite guy singer four times in my life! Most people don't get to meet their favorite singers/idols ONCE! I've met both of mine, I met Wynonna twice as well. That is just so damn cool! Miss Tessa is in Nashville right now and her grandparents actually live in the same town where The Judds live (no, I'm not kidding, it's true) and so I told Tessa to have her camera on her at all times just in case. LOL! Part of me wishes I was there with her, but I'll get back to Nashville someday, at least I've been able to go once, EIGHT years ago! Man! Anyway, I'm doing well with living in the moment and staying calm. I think taking my anti-depressant really helps me, I hate that I have to take it. I grew up in a household where "mind over matter," was pretty much our slogan. And while I still believe that to be true, it's also important to acknowledge what you can't fix on your own. Birth control is also helping, it really stabalizes my moods! I've been thinking a lot about my good friend, Christine, lately, who has breast cancer and is battling it with a positive attitude and great vegence. It's inspiring. I think of her and look at my own life--the way it is RIGHT NOW--and I think "I'm just going to shut up." I have it so great! I am so blessed that even though I have been to hell and back with my health, I've never had to face something as awful as cancer. I'm very grateful for that. But, I think of Christine and just appreciate my own health, and yes, appreciate my breasts, even more. I think most people take most everything for granted, and I don't. I never have. Sure, I get caught up in that sometimes and I do have "down days," and I have spent many a nights crying my bloody eyes out because I've felt like I've been screwed royally with my health (at times). But, all and all, it's pretty fantastic to what it was even 20 years ago. I get up, I work, I eat, I have sex, I drink a cup of coffee, I go to the bathroom. I'm not mamed or deformed. I have a lot of scars on my body, but most can be covered up with clothes. I don't have a growth on my face (unless you count the occasional cystic acne pimple I get--thanks, Dad for those!), my feet/hands are clubbed or twisted up. I'm not in a wheel chair, my legs/feet work just fine. Do I still struggle with breathing and eating sometimes? Yes. And at the moment, sorry to be TMI, but I have to say it, I'm experiencing horrible cramps--that time of the month! :) Yay! (Sarcasm, get it?). But you know, I have both of my beautiful breasts, my hair is on my head and it's longer by the day! I can stand up and sit down without a struggle (most days--sometimes my back does get in the way) and you know, I've learned to live without a kidney. I do have to live a very certain way and rest a lot more than the average person. I couldn't work full time if I had to, it would just be too hard on me. I have to take extra special care of myself. And there are things I can't do. But, there are way more things I CAN do. And I just choose to focus on those. I think learning to take life as it comes, one day at a time is HUGE! Colin used to tell me that when we first met. And I would always roll my eyes at him. But, you know what, he's so right. He really is pretty smart sometimes! I would not have married a stupid man. The other night we started to argue and he gave in. It wasn't a matter of "I win, you lose" but rather a "this is stupid, let's not fight." I could learn that from him too. He's learned how to control his anger better and I think, I hope--so have I. Both of us are incredibly stubborn and sometimes I think we argue 'cause there's nothin' better to do--or it would seem. But, we're getting better at not arguing. They're shorter when they do happen and usually, he gives in before I do. God Bless the man that puts up with me! LOL! Colin and I both took on a lot when we chose each other. I can't say this marriage will ever be easy. Not a lot in our lives has been easy for either one of us. But, it is what it is. And I am happy. I still can't believe I've been married nearly a year. It's just--unfathomable. I think accepting each other, or at least, agreeing to disagree, and letting your differences not tear you apart is a big part of marriage. That ALL is easier said that done, don't get me wrong. But, I think more than anything else in my life, marriage has been one great big adventure. At times, it's not a fun adventure, and at times, it is the MOST fun I've ever had! I love that man though, so much. He has grown me up and taught me more than I could've ever imagined. He's pushed me to face myself and get really secure in what I will, and what I won't, change. He's been a good friend, and a great provider. We're not perfect, but we're learning to live with the imperfections. He is committed, as he should be, we're married, right? But, his loyalty is astounding. We're both moody and tempramental, but usually, at the end of the day, even if we don't agree on something, we know without a doubt that we love each other. And that is really all one could ask for. I am very blessed indeed. I think that's what I wanted to write about today because suddenly I feel like going to pay my bills and not write anymore. I'm glad I did though! Happy Wednesday, everyone, have a great day! Thank You, Lord, for it all! It is all because of You!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)