Mmmm....

Mmm....I don't know what to say, how's that for a change? Actually, I think I have a lot to say, I just don't feel the need to say it. I've been reading a lot of blogs lately (it's like my favorite passtime now, since I can no longer afford my former $4 a piece magazine habit! I miss them so much!). I've kept this blog for almost five and a half years, pretty much the entirety of my 20s. I've changed, I've grown, I've made a life for myself in Vegas, and I love it now! I've dated, gotten married, had jobs and so on. I've lived three places in Vegas. I have a lot to say lately, I just feel that I am getting older and wiser by recognizing the greatness of silence. I no longer feel the need to spout off at a moment's notice. I worry that this has made me a less passionate person, that I've lost my "zest" for life because I no longer give long schpeals on how I feel. Well, I do, just not in public. I'm learning the art of silence, and learning when to shut my mouth is a good thing. I don't want to permanently shut my mouth, I still have morals, values, basic beliefs and absolute passions in life. I just have learned when to share them, and when to not. I wish I could listen more to other people, but I do know that I am watching more and learning more. Every day is a learning experience, I have always believed that, but this year, I'm living it. I learn from everyone who comes into my life, everyone I meet or come in contact with--I learn from. I learn a lot from other blogs, and as I sit and read them I think "I could do that," and then I think "yeah, but do I want to?" Do I want to open myself up like that? My life, my events? Do I want to put myself out there and open myself to ridicule. Sure, I could be (no, I AM) a great writer, but I like how organic this blog is. I like how "journal-like" it is with no real ryme or reason. I named it "Search Light," because that's how I see my life--a search of the Light, I still see it that way, but it's a personal search. Yes, I want to share my journey and story with others, but I also know that I'm a sensitive person and logging on here to see a bunch of negative, berative comments would hurt me. I don't want that. I don't want negativity in my life, I have enough of it. That's not say I'm not blessed, I am abundantly blessed, as I always say and is always true. But, people are so cruel these days, actually, humanity as a whole has always been pretty cruel, it's sad really. The human race is beautiful and spectacular, but often cruel for no good reason--think about it. Anyway, I also don't know what "direction" I want to take this blog in. Or rather, what "direction," I'd want to take the blog I write for the world. My intution is telling me that I need to write about my spiritual journey--be it spiritual or religious. But I know that'll open a whole can of worms I don't intend to digest. (Does that make sense?). Religion and spirituality has always fascinated me. I also want to write about children (it's a very popular blog topic, believe me), but I'm not a mother, don't have my own children and certainly don't fill the "mommy blogger category." I could also write about marriage, or hospitals. I could write about a lot of stuff and a lot of bloggers do just that. But I feel like until I can pin down what it is what I want a particular blog of mine to be about--with an actual mission/purpose, per se, I shouldn't really start another one. One of these days, I'm sure it will come to me, but for now, ah, I'll just stick with this blog and what I've written on here so far. It's not that I don't have anything to say (I know, I totally changed my mind/opinion since the begining of this very entry, I don't want to have to streamline my writing you see!), but still. There are so very many things going on in the world right now, SO MANY. I have opinions on most of it, believe you me. I just, eh, feel like being quiet and watching and observing. I tell my friends and family members and husband what I think, I share my life events with them, my ups and downs, but as for the world--do they really care? Do they NEED to know? Probably not. I'm realizing that while I can absolutely (and do) contribute to the world in a positive way, it will and does go about whether or not I add my two cents. Speaking up is important, but I feel like I've done so much of that, that now it's time to just sit back, watch, look, listen and learn. I've always learned, but you know what I mean? Sometimes I get sad that pretty much nobody reads this blog (I don't think they do anyway), but then a part of me is glad. It's kind of just for me, and I like that. I'm an adult now, a working, married woman and so much of my life now is for others. This blog is just for me. Getting up at 6:30am this morning when my husband left for work and staying up since (it's now 9:16am PST), that was for me. I work, I keep house, I hang out with friends and so on, this time is mine. Kind of like this blog. Perhaps someday I'll start another blog SearchLightToo, I'll call it. But, for now, this is nice. I very much enjoy reading others' blogs, I learn so much, and I'm finding my writing style by reading the writing of others--it's endlessly interesting! But, right now, I've been up for almost three hours, after having had just about four--five hours of sleep, so I'm going to go! Thank you, Lord, for this glorious morning! I'm not depressed, by the way, just in 'observation' mode. Last year (or the last three--five years) was all about DOING and GOING and on and on and on.....setting up my social status (or lack there of), place in the world (still finding it, aren't we all?), this year, is more about leaning back, taking it in and charting my next course! It's a wonderful journey, and everyday, I love it more! I am so happy to be where I am, having learned what I have I learned, it's pretty terrific, until next time, it's ALL because of You, Lord!

Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz :)