Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Well, I'm doing my very best to enjoy this day. I was so concerned with enjoying my birthday and having a happy one (and I did), that it didn't occur to me that this Christmas would be hard. I was completely unprepared (even though I KNEW and have even written about it on this very blog) to face my first Christmas without Grandma and Nellie.

I know, I know, I sound like a broke record on here lately--and I'm sorry. But, this IS my first Christmas without my Grandma--ever....and my first Christmas as an ADULT without Nellie, I've never had one without her as an adult. So, it's kind of a double whammy there.

Still, though, it has been a good day--truthfully, there is a peace about this day--as there should be.

I mean, the Peace of Christ is pretty much what Christmas is all about. (Well, actually it is His Birth that is what it's all about. But, for me, Jesus' life meant even more than his birth--his birth was significant, and certainly a miracle--but for me, it's His Peace that means the most!)

I went to church last night and as I was sitting there in my seat, it hit me--"I miss my Grandma". I made it through my birthday without crying, but not today--and certainly not last night. Oh my goodness, I cried while at church, I probably looked like a freak, but I couldn't help it. And after I just let myself cry a little bit, I DID feel so much better!

I think that's the key, letting yourself cry when you need to. It's not like I had a total breakdown in public, but I think holding it in does you no good. I haven't held it in. Tears are healing and thankfully, they're mostly just because I miss her--not because I have any unfinished business with her. I'm so blessed by that.

Anyway, it was a good service with great music (I rocked out). I ended up really enjoying it! The candles that we all lit up at the end of the service, and how we ALL sang (about 1,500 people) "Silent Night," (my Grandma's favorite Christmas Song) was incredibly beautiful! I'm glad I went, it was a nice way to celebrate the real Reason for the Season!

Today, I woke up early and opened some presents with my mom.....Colin didn't want to get up and I wasn't waiting on Christmas morning. We all turn into kids again at Christmastime, and that's one of my favorite things about it! I waited all month long to open a few gifts and see my mom and Colin open theirs--I wasn't waiting anymore. So, Colin and I opened our gifts later this afternoon, which was really nice too. But, anyway, this morning, opening gifts with my mom--that was neat. Because I did so slowly, I was able to "spoil" her a bit this year, and that was so nice. She liked everything she got and so did I....we both hauled in!

I got 3 scarves, a watch, boots, the book Project Happily Ever After ,a necklace, a cute Mickey & Minnie Christmas Coffee Cup, 3 CD'--including Reba's new one!!! I haven't gotten CD's as gifts in 10 years, back when I turned 17 so it was so great to receive them! It used to be all I asked for. I also got Sea Island Cotton Lotion, Cotton Scented Socks (Christmas ones, from my mother-in-law), Lavender Socks (from my mom, for my Birthday), a Target Gift Card, a Best Buy Gift Card, a Maggianos Little Italy Gift Card, a Bare Essentials Gift Card, beautiful greeting cards and ring pop candy suckers. A throwback to my childhood, for sure! All and all, between both my Birthday and Christmas--I did pretty good, and I got way more than I thought I would or asked for. It's very humbling and nice and sweet. It was a good Birthday/Christmas indeed!

I talked to my Dad today, and that was nice too. We hadn't talked in six months--we spoke briefly on my birthday and then he called again today--leaving me a message on my phone that said "expect a call every hour on the hour until I track you down." I thought that was funny. I was rocking out to my new CD's, so I didn't hear the phone. But, anyway, it was really nice to speak with him. I enjoyed it.

I also talked to Henry today, and of course, he misses Grandma too. I feel for him so much because I can't even imagine the pain he's going through. The loss he too is facing--that's his wife, and this is his first Christmas without his beloved too. I pray for him everyday--and I hope he finds some semblance of peace today. Most of all, I know that my family is eternally blessed to have in our lives. He is a man of strength, integrity and honor and God Bless him for standing by my Grandma and helping her this difficult transition in her life. Henry is downright amazing--and it was absolutely wonderful to talk with him.

And my Uncle Bob called me today too. I think that's the best part of Grandma being gone now--it's driven us all closer together in a way. Not that there's any part of her being gone that is good--but you HAVE to look on the bright side, you know. You have to find the silver lining and count the blessings in any situation, because if you don't, you'll go crazy and miss out on so much wonderful.

I can miss my Grandma today, as her children and husband miss her as well. I can feel sad and relive the happy memories. I can thank God for giving me such a wonderful relationship with such a fantastic Grandma.

If I had never really known her, if I had not been so close with her--I might not be hurting as much. I know I wouldn't miss her as much. But, I'd rather be here--feeling the loss and the grief and the pain--than to have never had my grandma in my life at all. I simply cannot imagine how my life would be, or who I would be, without her. So, I can thank God for all of the above. I can also thank Him for over two decades' worth of Christmases & Birthday's with my Grandma...and I am doing just that.

I cannot, however, let her absence ruin my entire holiday season. I cannot allow my grief and pain to cause me to miss out on the present joy of Christmas. I cannot let my missing her ruin Christmas--it's not what she would want. She prepared me for this time, actually, I was the only one she prepared for this. And I'm so thankful for that. But, even through the grief and the pain, I MUST go on. I MUST live in my life, it is the very best way to honor her.

So, my Uncle Bob is doing good. It was so wonderful to chat with him. My Uncle and I were always close--I'm his only niece so we've always had a special bond. But, lately, him, my mother, Henry and I have become a real team-all rallying together--behind Grandma. It's nice...

That is my biggest Christmas gift right there!...

We may be missing a member of our family--but we still have each other--and that is what it's all about--whether it's Christmas Day or not.

What saddens me and scares me, is the day that none of them are here. (Parents & Uncle). I know that's part of life, the circle & cycle of life, I know. I'll have my own family, yes, but, I'm still pretty young, and none of us knows who will be here next Christmas, you know. Life is short, and beautiful, but fragile. I hope I still have at least a decade or two full of Christmases left with all of my family. But, that's why it's so important to cherish each person, and each day, you have with them. It truly is a gift!

Hey, I just cheered myself up!

Anyway, in all honesty, I spent most of the day listening to music--burying myself in its solace. Christmas Music, regular music--just singing and playing and relishing in the beautiful sounds and words of both new and old, and favorite, music. It really does heal in a way that nothing else does! Thank God for music!

I like stripped down Christmas Music because it reminds of a simpler time. I think that's how it must've sounded back then, back at the Original Christmas. They had music that Christmas too!

There is just something so special and grand about this time of year. And even if you're facing a difficult time, a tough re-adjustment, or the loss of a loved one--it's still beautiful. It's a miracle.....

And my life is full of those. I may have a lingering sadness, and a feel a tinge of emptiness--but I am still here. I'm breathing easy today and my hair looks great! I have a home and heat and I just turned 27--which is so cool! It feels good so far, I like it.

Everyone says it's a great age, so we'll see, I already think it is but it'll be interesting to see how it pans out! Wow, I've got a whole year ahead of me--then I'll turn 28. Geeze, one thing at a time! LOL! Whew.

It's gorgeous weather today, cold enough to be Christmas, but I'm not knee deep in snow. And it's been mellow. I'm glad I'm enjoying my Christmas regardless of what's going on around me. At least I know where my Grandma is--I don't have a loved one serving over seas in some God forsaken place. I don't have a loved one hooked up to a respirator and I'm not hooked up to one myself. I've been there, for quite a few Christmases actually. But, I digress. I didn't just lose a child and this is one of the most physically healthy Christmases I've ever had. My mother is still here--so is my Uncle, my best friend, my other friends and so much else! I really am blessed.....

but if I continue to write, I'm just going to get sad again. I'm done reflecting on the past year, we all know what it entailed, and some parts of it are still sad. But, hey, it's Christmas--and I still love it!

I'm celebrating life today--for Grandma, for Nellie (I miss her so, so very much too) for my parents, for myself and for Jesus--whose life started some 2,000 years ago. It is through His love and life and peace that I can celebrate the joy of Christmas today!

I wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and a wonderfully, happy, healthy--peaceful New Year!

Merry Christmas 2010, God Bless Us Everyone!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)