500th Post: Planning for the Future With Our Parents (& Grandparents)

Welcome to my 500th Post! I can barely believe I've logged on here and blogged 500 times! Amazing!

Today, though, I want to write about something very important--planning for the future of our parents and grandparents.


I've spoken a lot this year about the importance of "being in the moment," staying in the present and relishing RIGHT NOW.

I still believe that that is the way to sanity and peace.

However, there are some things in life that we must plan for. We need to be flexible with our plans, but we need have plans in place.

When my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's earlier this year, it was indeed a devastating blow. The bigger blow, however, was the sheer sense of un-preparedness we all felt, like "What the do we do now?"

My grandma's husband is having to face a lot of things right now--most all the decline of his beloved wife.

Grandpa is having to decide WHERE to put her and exactly what kind of facility she will live in until she dies. What can they actually afford? What will he do, and where will HE live, so that they CAN afford it? What will he do with all of her belongings--to which grandchildren does this or that go to? And what is worth keeping, selling or just plain tossing out?

These are questions everyone should ask.

Although they were older when they got married, my grandmother and her husband did not consider such questions. They planned on each other dying--(they were in their 70s when they got married) they have a Will, a Trust, and a list of things allocated to certain people. They did not plan, however, for my grandmother to get sick and LIVE.

Her illnesses came on quite quick and strong--there wasn't an "easing into it" period, as some are fortunate enough to have. Too often, though, we are not given that opportunity.

Our loved one gets sick and BOOM--what now? What do we do?

We all know we're going to die someday, it is a given. It's a reality that I've found, most of us can accept.

We plan our funerals and have Trusts and Wills and Estate Plans drawn up. (Hopefully.) We request certain flowers or music, or if we're not spiritually grown up--we may even request certain people NOT attend our funeral. We may insist that there is to be no funeral at all--just a quiet burial or cremation.

But, how many of us PLAN TO LIVE with a quality of life that is lesser than the one we are living today?

I have found the answer to that is, not very many.

Death is not an easy process, and in fact, each day of life brings new and different kinds of death. We have the death of relationships, friendships, marriages, old patterns, addictions and habits.

Each of us is more well-versed in the subject of death than we like to realize, because it is all around us.

In some ways, death is a sweet relief--it hurdles us on to bigger and more peaceful things. I believe, a better place.

Whether or not we embrace death (which I'm not attempting to do, because I don't--it's a tremendously difficult time--especially for everyone left behind) we all know, it's bound to happen--so we (hopefully) make our peace with it.

In recent years, especially, there has been an insurgence of "live for today, time is short, enjoy the moment" philosophies. I am a willing and joyful participant in such philosophies.

And as true and important as those are--what about the occasion where we're forced to face some of life's toughest challenges--head on?

One of the biggest challenges facing our society today is, not what will I do if a loved one dies, but rather..... "What happens if my loved one gets SICK and LIVES?

Then what....."

That is the bigger conundrum.

We get Life Insurance, Health Insurance, Car Insurance, and Mortgage or Renter's Insurance.

But what about Long Term Care Insurance?

It's a whole new area of the Insurance Business--it's a "buzz-word" as something new is often called.

But, it's becoming necessary, isn't it?

People are living well into their 80s and 90s, but are they truly living "well"?

Or, are they just surviving, instead of thriving?

Where will we put our loved ones so that we can help them THRIVE, instead of just survive?

This is where Long Term Care Insurance, and more importantly, Long Term Care Plans come into play.

Even without Long Term Care Insurance, having a Long Term Care Plan in place helps tremendously to alleviate the stress of caring for a loved one who is already ill.

A Long Term Care Plan lessens the burden during what is an extremely difficult time for everyone involved. When illness or catastrophe strike, it's harder to process what truly needs to be done. Without a Long Term Care Plan, caregivers are emotionally vulnerable and less able to make logical decisions--decisions that would ultimately respect our loved ones and honor their wishes.

As parents (which I'm not) people help their children. They help them clothe, feed and bathe themselves. They teach them all sorts of new things such as how to count, write their names and keep track of their belongings. They teach their children their beliefs about God, the world and each other. They teach them how to drive and place limits on what they can and can't do.

And then, thirty, forty or fifty years later--we children become parents to our parents.

It is a total switch in gears, a reversal or roles, in the weirdest of ways.

And while it is sad--it is ultimately necessary.

When our parents need us more as parents than as children. When they revert back into child-like beings (especially with the onset of something such as Alzheimer's), it becomes harder and harder to honor their wishes, if those wishes can be honored at all.

That is why BEFORE that time comes, it's important to have a plan in place for their future.

After all, they planned for ours, didn't they?

Our parents set up college funds, and perhaps saved for our first car. They helped get us through school, to Prom and graduation. They dreamed (and planned, probably) for the day when we'd get married or have children of our own.

And now, here we sit, forced to prepare for THEIR future--which if we fail to plan for at all, becomes quite dim.

It is vitally important to consider the following questions:

What kind of quality of life do we want for our loved ones as they get older?

What kind of quality of life do we want for ourselves, as we get older--both as caregivers and care giving recipients?

How would we want to be treated by our children, as age?

What kinds of things did our parents (or grandparents) tell us, and teach us, that might give clues as to how they want their care handled?

Is there a current opportunity to discuss these things with our parents before they get too old, and/or too sick?

Are we all just going through our lives, living in the moment so much that we have forgotten to plan for the inevitable future that awaits us all?

Are we sitting in denial that our parents are aging and quite possibly, already deteriorating?

Is it more comfortable to discuss their funeral with our parents, than what would happen if they lived through some horrendous medical catastrophe (such as a major stroke)?

What can we do TODAY to help our parents age, and even decline in health, with dignity, honor and respect?

As a woman of twenty-six, this topic may not be popular amongst my peers.

But, even us younger kids (in our 20s & 30s) need to recognize that we have an ENTIRE GENERATION of Baby Boomers and rapidly aging loved ones.

Whether those Baby Boomers are our parents, or grandparents--we need to realize that we OWE it to them to take care of them, to the best of our abilities.

We cannot forsake our own needs and forget our own dreams. We do not need to live in constant fear that something awful will happen to our loved ones--it may not. Tons of people live quite healthfully into their 90s, but, many do not.

We must be prepared for this reality.

That is why we must at least attempt to make a plan. You know the old saying "Better to have a plan that fails to have failed to plan at all."

We must be flexible with our plans. We must realize that they are ever-evolving entities--much like our parents, grandparents and our relationships with them.

But, we must have a plan in place.

We owe it to our parents to treat them with the same reverence, dignity and respect with which they raised us.

It is in every Spiritual Principle out there--from the Bible to Buddhism to everything in between...

"Honor thy Mother and Father,"

And of course, The Golden Rule cannot be overlooked: treat people the way you wish to be treated.

As for me, I would want to be treated the following way:

I would want to know that I am taken care of in my old age. That I am not going to be a burden to my family--and that although my health may decline as I get older--my sanity and familial relationships do not have to follow.

(Of course if one has Alzheimer's the mind and familial relationships do decline, along with everything else, but that's another post).

I have found some great resources in assisting with the plans for your loved ones:

www.aplaceformom.com has a national list of Assisted Living, Nursing Home and Alzheimer Care facilities. They also have a ton of great articles that deal with all facets of elder care--and care giving.

www.alz.org is a great resource if you or a loved one has been diagnosed. Message boards, support groups and new medication information can be found here.

www.meetup.org has a bunch of different groups that span all different interests. You may not find one specific to care giving, but you can find a group that has a similar interest to yours and therefore, expand your enjoyment of living!

It is possible to at least start on a plan for your loved ones. It is possible to find peace through chaos. It's a lot more possible when you have a plan for what to do when such chaos arises.

I hope this post has helped! With 500 under my belt, I hope I have at least a few readers who I've helped over the years, and I look forward to the next 500!

Thank You, Lord, for 500 posts, the ability to write, many lessons learned, the gift of family and the inclination to wake up and PLAN! All of which, I know, is part of Your plan for me--Thank You!

In light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)