Everything Is Different--but it's STILL Christmas--and what a Miracle it all is!

So it's 2am, I'm sitting here admiring my Christmas Tree, abundantly grateful for all of the blessings I still have.

I am simply astonished that I made it through this year! I really am, how, I do not know--I just have, Thank God--literally!

But, as I sit here, with two weeks left of being 26, I can't help but think of how MUCH is different THIS Birthday/Christmas than LAST one.

My grandmother isn't here--mentally or physically--she's in the hospital up in Reno suffering with Alzheimer's and a host of other medical diseases.

My Nellie isn't here, she's up in Heaven--resting peacefully, I'm sure.

My father and I haven't spoken since Father's Day--almost 6 months ago.

And a few other key things in my life are vastly different too.

Everything is different.

I know that thinking about what I don't have and what I've lost this year isn't going to help me, fix any of it or bring any of it back. And it's not even that I want things the way they were--I absolutely respect that there's a time and a reason for everything, I really do. It's just, I can't help but recognize the gaping absence of so much.

My heart hurts that I don't have Grandma and Nellie, but in another way, it's a peaceful feeling too.

I DID have them, and it's so much better, truly, to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I don't know who said that, originally, but they were positively right!

I still miss them, and I'm not sure when the day will come that I don't miss my Grandma. She sure was the best Grandma I could have ever asked for though, man, she was truly amazing! She taught me everything she could, and half of what I know--in every area of life. She was a fantastically strong, stubborn woman who passed on those qualities to her precious and I hope--no, I KNOW--that she knows how much I love, admire and respect her. And that's what allows this time to be so peaceful for me. Even though I miss her, and probably always will, she gave me so much and taught me so much! There was nothing that wasn't said between her and I--no loose ends, no unfinished business--and how great is that?! Not many people can say that about their loved ones when THIS time comes (the end of a loved one's life)--so I'm incredibly blessed by that, I really am.

Regardless, I just feel like my world is different now.....

It has shifted and it IS different.

BUT, I AM STILL HERE! Can you believe it? I'm still here! And I'm SO grateful for that!

I STILL have my wonderful job with truly amazing co-workers and bosses! I STILL have my warm home with a nice warm bed and clean sheets to get into....

Which as far as I'm concerned, is one of the greatest luxuries in life--a warm bed & clean sheets, that is!

I STILL have my mother, who for all our ups and downs, I sincerely love and respect more and more each day, and who I would not be turning 27 in 2 weeks, without. Who has seen me through this year, and while she's part of the difficult parts of it, she's always been part of the best parts of it! Love you, mom!

I STILL have Tessa, and Sarah, and Claudia--who I would not at ALL have survived this year without--any part of it, truly! Whose friendship and love humbles me to my core. These amazing, strong, kick-ass women who inspire me daily and lift me up with encouragement and support and a sense of understanding and belonging--who make me feel a little more normal--I still have them! Thank God for them!

I STILL have a car that runs alright, it gets me where I need to go. I'm not dependent on others to take me places or stuck out in the cold (literally) waiting for a bus! Yay God!

I STILL have plenty of good food to eat and my fair share of choices when it comes to what it is I do eat!

I STILL have my 5 senses and my hair, along w/ my ability to breathe and my fingers and toes.

I STILL have my ability to think and read and write--all of which I treasure greatly!

I STILL can type, slice veggies, cut a piece of paper, brush my teeth and direct a steering wheel (drive a car).

I STILL can laugh at the irony of life, the craziness of it and the sheer sense of humor that our Lord MUST have! (That's HUGE!)

I STILL can find humor and greatness and lessons in most anything! (I may not always be in the mood to find them, but eventually, I do.)

I STILL have my mind--I've not gone crazy or lashed out on anyone.

I'm not displaced.

And IT'S CHRISTMAS!

Best of all, despite everything this year.....

It's STILL CHRISTMAS!

The other night (Monday, Dec. 6th) I was decorating our Christmas Tree and it was so wonderful! The Spirit of Christmas just came upon me and it was truly AWESOME!

I just LOVE this time of year--and even though this is a weird holiday in a lot of ways--and definitely a new normal for me--it's still awesome!

Christmas really is a magical time of year, unlike any other! And damn it, I've had a rough year, so I'm going to have a FANTASTIC Christmas--and Birthday! ;)

I'm going to ENJOY IT, REVEL in it and be oh so thankful for it!

I made it to another Christmas, and Birthday, in one piece. Better off than I was a year or two ago. I'm getting older, but by the Grace of God, I'm also getting wiser--so that's good news!

There's plenty I don't know, but I'm finally feeling pretty confidant in what I DO know, and that's a nice feeling!

I LOVE our CHRISTMAS TREE! It's so beautiful--seeing all of the ornaments on it from past years. Recalling all the great memories, knowing that I can and do remember them and how many fantastic Christmas's I have been blessed enough to have. How special and loved I always feel this time of year (because of my Birthday). How no matter what happens during the year--good, bad or indifferent--how I'm always so humbled this time of year. The different colors of the ornaments and the different shapes and sizes--ones that were given to me, ones I gave to others. The different years on the ornaments reminding me of where I was then, and where I am now--what's changed and what hasn't. It's all SO FUN! It really is!

And of course, CHRISTMAS MUSIC--more on that later!

I LOVE the decorations, the Christmas-y Snow Flake Mug I got the other night! Christmas Earrings and other jewelry. Christmas gloves and scarves and clothes! CHRISTMAS COOKIES! :)

I love my Birthday being on the Calendar at work (yay!). I love everyone wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays! And, I do love people wishing me a Happy (Early) Birthday too--that's always fun!

I feel a real sense of connectedness this year, it's all kind of coming together for me. My past, my present, and where I go from here. It's really neat, actually! I'm sure I'll have many more Christmas's and Birthdays to come--I hope--but, it's fun this year. Again, it's different--but it's kind of making me enjoy it all that much more! It's making me want to continue certain traditions--with a renewed passion--and also, I want to make new ones! It's so cool!

I love seeing my mom's collection of Santa's around the house, and of course I LOVE and ADORE CHRISTMAS MUSIC, because, well, it's just the BEST! It's music like none other--it's fun, it's inspiring, it's cheerful, it's SPIRITUAL!

I belted out "Mary Did You Know," and "O Holy Night" the other night (my 2 favorite Christmas songs!) and then I also sang "Away In a Manger" and it was honestly just a peaceful, spirit--filled experience!

When you really sit and think about the MIRACLE of Christmas, and Jesus and all of that--it's just absolutely AWESOME! It really makes you stop and think and be thankful for God and Jesus and all He blesses us with! It really makes you realize the depth of His love and mercy and just, it's awesome!

Heck, Christmas is cool, but even if you're not Christian, it's still a wonderful time of year--it really is! It's so celebratory and wonderful, and there are miracles all around--there really are--and my life is living proof of that. (I'm not saying that I am personally living proof of miracles, it's just that the blessings in my life are!)

I still can't believe I survived this year in ONE piece! I'm amazed, I really am! It was tough, but I DID IT! (Again, not without a lot of help!)

I have a feeling next year is going to be AWESOME! Really, I think it will leave me in awe and wonder. It's not that I expect it to be drastically different, or easy--life is hard at any age, and it is always what you make it--but I think I'm due for some sunshine, folks! I think I'm due for some fun, some good times, and abundance of love and laughter and happiness!

Please don't get me wrong, I don't think I deserve these things more than anyone else, but I do deserve them just like everyone else!

I HAVE had fun this year---my time with my Grandma, my work, my vacation with Tessa, my trip to Ohio and back, my time with my favorite kids, my job, even times with Colin--I've enjoyed a lot this year. I spent a lot time outdoors, walking and admiring nature and my surroundings (trees & the changes of seasons were a favorite!). I've had real moments of peace and happiness, even through the chaos. I have found out a lot about who I am, who I want to be and I have FOUND true happiness and acceptance. I really have.

But, for the most part, it's been momentary, (hey, at least I had moments of that, some people don't even get that, I'm so blessed!) not sweeping overall--and next year, I think it WILL be overall--I hope so at least!

I KNOW something good is coming my way--I'm not sure what, and I'm not sure when. I kind of like not knowing....for the first time ever, I actually do like not knowing. It's scary, but fun--frightening but exhilarating.....anyway....

Even though everything is different, that doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad different.

It can be a good different, a re-adjusting different. And look how great my life is NOW! My life, no matter what, is truly great! It is happy, it is fun, it is blessed, it is positively showered with love!

I hope and pray every day that I am a beacon of tremendous light, love and kindness. That I can just pass it on--the light, love and kindness that I am shown every single day--I hope and pray I just pay it forward! God, I hope so!

I am so glad, and grateful, that God has used me as His instrument this year. That through all of the hard stuff, He was there, listening, teaching, loving....guiding my steps. That He knew best and that He never failed me--even when I questioned Him. I am so grateful that my mother is still here, that I am still here and that we can celebrate yet another Christmas (and Birthday of mine) together!

Yes, indeed, everything IS different, but it's STILL Christmas and life is STILL grand!

Thank You, Lord for all of my endless blessings! Please continue to bless me, send good things my way, and most of all, continue to bless those I love. Please continue to forgive me for my shortcomings, spread the love in my life and guide me as only You can. Shine Your strength through me and lift me up in Your Presence--Lord--I thank for this wonderful, joyous and magical holiday season! It is the BEST! Thank You for my life!

As the poem goes, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night!"

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)