6 Years: A Lot of Food, Growth & Love, with more to come!

Happy 6th Anniversary, Search Light by Sarah Liz!

I started this blog six years ago today when I was a mere 20 years old! I was blogging before blogging became something everyone does.

I don't remember why I even started blogging, but I'm glad I have. While I do have to admit that I wish I was more consistent with my posting, overall, this blog has served as quite a nice diary for the last six years of my life. Very cool! :)

I've wanted to come on here and write a lot lately, but I truly have been SO busy. I know everyone says that, and it's no excuse, but sincerely, folks--busy, busy, busy!

Tonight's the night though--in honor of my 6th Anniversary of blogging, I'm writing a new post, hang on tight, it'll be a long, sporadic one!

First off, I've thought about making an "official blog," one that is my "Writer's Blog" you know the kind, where I actually formulate several drafts of a post BEFORE I post it. Where I sit down and write actual, meaningful stuff that has a beginning, middle and an end. But, you know what, I like what this blog is. Like I said, it's like a diary. I try not to get TOO personal on here, and respect others' privacy (as well as my own, of course), but I like that this isn't a "Professional Blog," it's just my little place on the World Wide Web where I share my thoughts, opinions and events of my life! So, for now, I'll keep it the way it is.

Secondly, even though I don't have a "Writer's Blog" I am creating this post in "writer-style," you see, I am eating dinner at my desk (at 10:45pm at night) in order to make this post on time. (Before November 21st that is). I worked until 10pm tonight. I've been working A LOT lately, not too much for my health or sanity, but more than I used to. I'm so blessed to have a job, I really am, but work takes up a lot of your time. I'm sure it does for everyone. Busy is good though and I honestly have so much fun at work, and truly enjoy what I do, that it makes it okay. Anyway, I've been eating at desks a lot lately--last night at my work desk, the night before at a desk in my apartment complex, and the two night's before that--dinner at work again. I'm kind of getting used to it actually--although today, I did sit down at my kitchen table (not a coffee table or a desk for once) and enjoy a positively scrumptious lunch! Yay! I had a Greek Salad, it was delicious!

Anyway, I used to eat at my kitchen table all the time, now I make it there about once a week. I still don't like eating at the coffee table, unless I'm just totally exhausted, but anyway. My point is, for the fifth night in a row--tonight, it's dinner at my desk.

Now that's a writer/hard-worker for you!

Like I said, good thing I enjoy my work so much, I am blessed by that!

So, next week is Thanksgiving and I'm SO excited! I mean, what's not to love about a holiday that is ALL about FOOD & GRATITUDE! Pretty much my two favorite things!

I am so psyched! I get to make my famous Apple Butter Pumpkin Pie (or rather, Paula Deen's famous Apple Butter Pumpkin Pie) and getting together with family--yay! To be honest, last Sunday night I cried my little eyes out when I realized that I would never be able to make a Thanksgiving Spread for my Grandma. She and my mother cooked so many Thanksgiving Meals throughout the last quarter or a century and now, Grandma's too sick for me to ever make one for her. That's sad.

It's too bad too, because I make one heck of a Thanksgiving Meal and I love doing it! Turkey (Whole Roasted), Apple-Cranberry Stuffing, Sweet Potatoes, Spicy Corn, Something Green, Raspberry Cranberry Sauce (which Grandma taught me how to make!) Mashed Potatoes and Gravy and of course, Apple Butter Pumpkin Pie for dessert. Yum! I make Sweet Potatoes, my mom makes candied Yams. She makes them better too, for sure, but Thanksgiving just ain't Thanksgiving without all of the above entrees! I remember one year, mom tried making fancy sweet potatoes w/ orange zest and served them in orange cups--well, she tried at least, they fell all over the oven just as she was taking them out. She was so ticked! I can't say I blame her, but it was pretty funny! The Raspberry Cranberry Sauce I just LOVE and adore--and eat it warm--my grandma gave me the recipe so that's a Thanksgiving standard at my table now too! I'm part bummed, and part-relieved, that I don't have to make a Full Spread this year, because I don't know if I could get through it. I'll have plenty of Thanksgivings to make a spread, and I have already done it twice, so, it's okay--as okay as it can be.

This is my first Thanksgiving, and this coming Birthday/Christmas will be first Birthday/Christmas, without my Grandma Elizabeth. She hasn't died, but she is incredibly, chronically, terminally ill. The reality that my last Birthday/Christmas with her last year (my 26th Birthday, one of the BEST of my life) WAS my last Birthday/Christmas with her, it's quite sobering. It does bother me that I won't be able to have her to MY house for a holiday, but that's just the way it goes.

I haven't mentioned it on here yet, but my Grandma has Alzheimer's.

She is in a Rehabilitation Hospital right now because she also has many physical problems too. So, both her mind and body are literally shutting down on her. Her body remains, yes, but she is gone. The woman I grew up loving and knowing is effectively gone and it is--devastating. I know it's part of life--death and illness--but, this might be one of the most difficult things I ever do. I always knew my grandma would go--I just didn't think I'd lose her slowly. And that's what this is, losing her slowly. But, I got to lose Nellie slowly too, so perhaps there's peace in that. I can honestly that no one in my life (so far) has been CUT OFF from me or taken suddenly and that's a blessing for sure. I've been given the chance to EASE into life without them--Nellie and Grandma. Nellie's been gone three months now and I still miss her nearly every day. My Grandma, I miss even more. She was my confidant, my spiritual mentor, my cooking teacher and one of my best friends. But, I knew (back in April of this year actually) that this day would come. She turned 80 on November 7th so it's not like she hasn't lived a long life, because she has--and as hard as it's been, it's also been a good one. It bothers me most on Saturdays, my Grandma, because that's when I found out about her. When Tessa and I went up to Reno the last weekend of October, I KNEW. Grandma thought that Tessa was her granddaughter. I love Tess to pieces, and if there's ANYONE who I'd WANT as my Grandma's other granddaughter, it would most definitely be Tess. But, whew, anyway, that was hard. My Grandma was always with it, sharp as a tack and by far, the MOST creative person I've ever known. It is sad to not have in my life anymore, but I'm getting used to it. I'm managing. I've cooked A LOT lately and I realized that's because it's my #1 connection to her.

Yes, she was my spiritual mentor, absolutely--but on a very human level, she taught me most of what I know about cooking--and certainly everything I know about baking (which admittedly isn't that much, LOL). My mom taught me to cook too, and so did Food Network, but mostly, it was Grandma. In the last few weeks I've made Roasted Chicken, White Bean Puree, Lasagna Bake (all the ingredients of Lasagna made with Penne instead of Lasagna noodles), Meatballs, Pumpkin Spice Cookies, Vegetable Soup, Shrimp Scampi, Steak, French Fries and Sandwiches. I've basically been cooking/baking anytime I'm home and not sleeping. That's another reason I've not been writing--I've been having fun in the kitchen. I have to say, my meatballs tasted JUST like my Grandma's--the ONLY thing missing was of course was HER love. And when my mom tasted my Lasagna Bake, she said it was like having her mother here again. That made me feel good. I'm not saying this to brag, because it is ALL my Grandma--I am the cook I am because of HER. Food was our connection, our communication. I didn't realize how much of a role she played in my cooking/baking until just these past weeks, and I've cooked/baked so much in order to feel closer to her. Plus, you can't very well cook/bake and think about other stuff because if you do, you'll slice your finger off and/or burn your hand(s). It's a great escape--AND, since it WAS my New Year's Resolution for 2010 (to cook more), I am happy I've actually started doing that again. Better late than never, right!

My grandma taught me most of what I know in the kitchen-and even though I DO have my own style of cooking and little variations, I am so glad, proud and BLESSED by this legacy of food that she has left me. So grateful for it! She and my mom turned me into one heck of a cook! :) I'm still NOT as good as them, but perhaps someday I will be, I hope!

Anyway, my Grandma's impending death has taught me how to LIVE. I know people often say that when someone dies, it makes your re-prioritize and I think that's true. Once you're not in the moments of anger of it--which I do feel sometimes--it DOES make you stop and think. I think because it IS my Grandma who's dying and is already dead in some ways (Alzheimer's robs a person of their memories, personalities and ability to relate)--I have more peace about it than I would if it were someone else. I'm GLAD it's not someone else, though I'm certainly glad it's HER either. Not at all. I hate it. When I really stop and think about the fact that I can no longer just call her up and chat, or check on a recipe, or discuss a major life decision, or turn to her for spiritual advice--I tear up--every time--just as I'm doing now. BUT, of ALL the people in my life, my grandma has taught me that death IS a part of life. That we all have karma to pay and a better place to go beyond this Earthly World. I believe that for whatever reason, she chose to pay a lot of her karma at the END of her life (much like I chose to pay a lot of mine at the beginning of my life). I believe that for whatever reason, which I do not know and may never know--and quite frankly--don't need to know, her time with me is up. I am apparently strong enough and wise enough and spiritual enough to make it on my own. She has given me a lifetime of love, wisdom, recipes and encouragement to go forward with life and make the most of it. I am grateful for her presence in my life every single day and there's not a single day that goes by that I don't feel it, and miss her. But, I'm just so incredibly grateful that I got 26 and a 1/2 good year with her, I really did. And that's more than most grand kids get with their grandma's. I can't imagine my life without her, but I AM learning to live anyway.

Her dying IS teaching me how to live. I want to be kinder, gentler, more compassionate, less judgemental. I love my grandma so very much, but she wasn't always the nicest person on the block, and really, until I came along--she was kind of snooty. I think I changed her for the better, but more importantly, SHE changed ME for the better. She is a lot of the reason I am the person I am today! And I'm so proud of her! She is an amazing woman and she lived well.

The BEST part of all of this is that even now, at the end of her life, I can say this: I know she knows that I have loved her. I know that she knows I respect her. I know that she knows--even through the Alzheimer's, somewhere deep down in her soul--that I admire her and appreciate her and am indebted to her. And I KNOW that she has loved me. I know that she is proud of me. I know that she will live on THROUGH me. I know all of that, and because of that, I am incredibly, tremendously blessed. Because let's face it, not many people can say that about someone, and their relationship with that person, when they die. And I can, so I am blessed.

My grandma taught me a lot of things besides how to cook and bake--I really should've paid more attention to her sewing, but I just liked to wear the creations, instead of learning how make them. Oh well. The biggest thing she taught me is that everything happens for a reason, and that I am always exactly where I'm supposed to be. SHE taught me that, so I sit here and feel a real sense of PEACE, even through the sadness and the grief. It's odd how they can go together so well, but they do.

I have my moments, believe me. I've sat down and cried many times. It's the little things that set it off too--the brutal realizations, other people with their grandmothers, food, a spiritual belief, whatever--I have cried and cried and cried. On my way home from Reno on Halloween Day (I drove there & back--10 hours each way) I stopped FIVE times just to CRY. I literally had to pull over on the side of the road and bawl like a baby. I still tear up about it and two weeks ago Saturday I was functioning at bare minimum. BUT, living in grief, sadness, anger and bitterness is NOT going to help me. And for the first time in the last three years (because the last three have all been rough, let's face it, at least for me) I'm using THIS experience to BETTER me. Like The Judds always say, "Better, not Bitter". I will continue to cry and feel grief and sadness about my Grandma's absence--I'm sure I will. But LIVING like that, letting it CONSUME me, that I will NOT do. I know for a fact (because she told me many times, and actually, prepared me for this time A LOT)that letting ANYTHING fully consume me is NOT healthy or beneficial to anything or anyone. While grief is normal, drowning in it, is not conducive in the long run, so I'm trying my best to rise above it. I'm feeling it, going with it when I need to, crying when I need to, writing about it (even if I don't post it here) and going through the process. I'm NOT stuffing it down, but I am not going to stop living my life because my grandma can no longer live hers.

Just today, I teared up while talking to a lady selling stamps--I literally just teared up thinking about all the Stamping Parties my Grandma and I used to go to when I was a teenager. Luckily, the lady was very nice and understanding, and it only lasted a minute--but I let myself tear up. It's okay, it's normal, it's part of the process. But for the most part, I do feel peaceful about it. Everything happens when it's supposed to, and for a reason. (I know I keep repeating that but I needed to remind of myself of that right now.)

I can't say I'll handle everyone else's deaths in my life so well. I'm only 26 and I know this is the first of many (well, actually Nellie was the first of many--and I knew then that that's one of the reasons she went first, to teach me how to deal with it). I hope and pray each day that NO ONE ELSE goes anytime soon, really. But, I have absolutely no control over that, and while each person, relationship and loss is different--I think if you can learn from each one--and rise above the grief enough to recognize some important life lessons--than their death was not in vain.

I got 16 beautiful years with Nellie and 26 and a 1/2 with Grandma--so even though I miss them--a lot--at least I had that long with both of them! Praise God!

I cannot picture who I would be had my Grandma not been in my life, so I'm just thankful she was!

That being said, I want to let go of little stuff that doesn't matter. We all think of 80 as being old, but it came quick for her. And I'll be 27 next month so I'm getting older too. That's not a complaint, at all, I certainly don't want to be younger again (I can't ever remember being sincerely care-free for more than a week or so at a time, even as a small child, but that's a whole other post!). All I'm saying is, 80 years is really just a drop in the bucket when it comes the grand scheme and time on Earth.

My grandma's deterioration has reminded me of what's important, and what isn't.

I'm actually a lot calmer.

I'm kinder. I'm a heck of a lot more patient. I'm not saying these things to brag, because I know I am not some "fabulous" person for becoming more of these nice qualities, it's just something I'm working on. I'm striving for. And I HAVE noticed that in the last week or two since I've been calmer, kinder and more patient, the world itself is a better place--for me at least.

I know my kindness and patience won't change the world overall, but it ADDS to the positive in it and we all need more of that. My grandma taught me that we should all share our Light with the world, and not so much of our darkness (which we all do have), so I am doing just that. Sharing more of my Light. Every post I write on here I sign off by saying "In Light N' Love," and I got that from Grandma. It bothers me that she won't be around (physically) to see me become a huge successful (possibly best-selling) Author. But, I know she'll be up there--watching over me, and helping me from beyond, I KNOW that. The point is, I've realized the kind of person I want to actually be. (Practice what I preach, I guess.)

Which brings me to my next point--and I'm NOT speaking about my grandma here--some people come into our lives to teach us how we do NOT want to be. Those people that are so rude, cold, callus and irritating--they're not doing that on purpose. #1: they probably don't better. #2: they might not even care and #3: even THEY are here to teach us.

Sometimes you have to be surrounded by someone (or lots of someones) you can't stand so that you can become the person you are meant to be. Not giving IN to that rudeness and irritation is so KEY.

Giving kindness and respect back--simply because they're a fellow human being--is important.

But also equally important is setting boundaries with that person--or people.

Kindness, manners, patience and humility do NOT mean being a doormat with no principles or self-respect. It means putting up healthy boundaries with people you know you need to do that with, and STILL treating them with kindness and respect in the process. See, I'm growing! Imagine that!

In all honesty, in addition to my grandma's life lessons, I've been reading "Love as Way of Life" by Gary Chapman. He also wrote the best-seller "The 5 Love Languages" which is equally awesome! Anyway, in this "Love as a Way of Life" book he states the 7 Characteristics of truly Loving People. And he is not talking about Love in a romantic sense, but authentic love. One thing he mentions is that you can't step down until you step up--when speaking about humility.

Let's face it--I like to talk about myself and I like to share it with the world when I do good. And that's okay. But, I think, and I certainly hope--and I'm making a new concerted effort even more so--that I mention ALL THE OTHERS who got me here!

I truly love and adore and respect and admire my friends and my family--and my co-workers too. I truly love and adore and respect the fact that I would NOT--in any way shape or form--be who I am, or where I am, without every single person in my life. Whether they've brought me love, hatred, hope, joy or impatience. Whether they've brought me good, bad or agitation. God has placed each one of them in my life for a reason, and for a lesson, and I am supposed to learn something from each of them. Whether they teach me something big or small, and regardless of their "title"--whether I call them friend, lover, husband, mother, sister, confidant--it doesn't matter.

I would not be who I am today had it not been for the people in my life so far. And I'm grateful for each of them, every single day.

I know that, and I know that God knows that. I know that God knows my heart, my intentions, my sincere gratitude to Him for all things and people in my life! So, I see it like this: I have humility, but I also have self-confidence. And I don't think there's anything wrong with being proud of yourself (not on an overt or dangerous level, of course) when you do something well. I am very well aware of my weaknesses and negative qualities, and I am certainly no saint--believe me. But I think it's good, and even cool, that I DO KNOW what I am good at, what I excel in and what I am best at.

The book also talks about how you don't have to sacrifice your time and energy to the point of exhaustion to help the world. Being kind to people, being patient, being generous with those in need--it all adds up.

I've wanted to volunteer somewhere for a long time, but between work, school next semester, my family and my health (I can't do everything in a day--no one can, but I certainly can't), I just haven't found the time. And I felt bad about that. But then I realized that I am kind to people, I am courteous. I am generous to those I love and who I get a prompting that I should help.

Again, not saying this to brag--but rather to encourage YOU to know that IT ALL ADDS UP!

Whatever we do in this life, however we act, the way we treat those around us--from the customer at our work, to the clerk at the store and our family and friends as well--good, bad or indifferent, it all adds up. I think you're doing alright when you can lay your head on your pillow at night and have more to be GRATEFUL for, than sorry for.

Believe me, I've had my days where my list of "sorry's" has run long--and we all do sometimes--none of us is perfect and if we never made a mistake, we'd never learn. (How dull would that be!) But, for the most part, when I've gotten in bed at night lately--I've been abundantly grateful and humble before God at the way He has shone through me that day. That's all I'm doing really, is letting Him shine through me.

I'm not doing any of this (being kinder, gentler, more compassionate, less judgemental) to GET anything--even though I have noticed people (for the most part) being kinder to me. I do it because it's the right thing to do. It is how I was raised and it is what I believe. You know, you can hear something your whole life, and not live it--lately, I've chosen to LIVE what I was taught, what I believe in and what I know is right. And that, I am proud of.

Because when I lay my head down at night now, I am satisfied with how I treated my fellow human beings. And that's all you can ask for.

For example, last week at Wal-Mart I got in line and then suddenly realized I'd forgotten something I needed. So I grabbed my stuff and went and got what I'd forgotten and got back in line behind the man who WAS behind me a few minutes earlier. He said "Oh please, take your place back, you were first. Go ahead, get back in line where you were." Isn't that nice?! So sweet!

So, today, I passed his kindness on. This lady at ULTA Beauty was griping and moaning about wait--granted, one of the sales associates was kind of obvlivious to the growing line, but perhaps she had a lot on her mind or was busy with other things, I don't know. Anyway, this lady behind kept going on about the long wait so I just turned around and said "Would you like to go ahead of me. It's okay" She just STOPPED, and said "No, that's okay, but thank you so much, that's so nice of you." I said " No problem, are you having a rough day?" She proceeded to tell me about it and she WAS having a rough day, even though she chose not to go in front of me, I would've gladly let her. It was a nice exchange with a gentle person who just got a little impatient, and we all have done that.

Earlier this week at my Dr's office--oh Lordy--it was a 2 hour wait! TWO HOURS! God surely knows I'm working on my patience because He certainly tested me that day! LOL! Sincerely. When I got into the little room, I waited for an additional 40 minutes (the 1st 80 mins. were in the waiting room). I was getting pretty peturbed, I must admit. But, instead of getting all impatient, angry and bent out of shape (because really, what would that do? It wasn't going to make my Dr. see me any sooner), I said a prayer, breathed and thought about my Dr. and her other patients. I thought about how she might be having a hard day because maybe there's a patient who needs her more than I do right now. Or perhaps one of her four kids had an incident that morning and she was late coming to the office so she was running behind the whole rest of the day. Or, perhaps she was in pain and just wasn't able to move very fast. I don't know, but I KNEW that by breathing, and thinking of OTHERS, it would change my perspective. And it did--very much so. I was able to breathe deeply and remain calm. I also thought of what my grandma always told me "You are always exactly where you are supposed to be," so I also knew there was SOME reason I was NOT on the road at that moment. Don't get me wrong, I was still a tad irritated--I think most anyone would be after a 2 hour wait--but as soon as I STOPPED being outright impatient and angry--my Dr. finally showed up! Yay! Best of all, she gave ME the same time and attention she gave everyone else, so it was all worth it!

That's what I'm talking about, little changes like that. Nothing major--I haven't won a Nobel Peace Prize, I haven't written anything grand lately. But, I am adding the greatness in the world and sharing my Light--and my grandma would be proud!

In other news, it occurred to me today that I think the reason most men don't look you in the eyes when they speak to you is because thousand sand thousands of years ago, they were hunters and gatherers and in the animal kingdom--direct eye contact is a threat and a sign of danger--what do you all think? Seriously, it could be. I know some men at work who look me in the eye when I'm speaking with them, but for the most part, I think they look around you because their instinct is to protect you. I don't know. It's just a theory. (And no, I don't mean a martial relationship or friendship or sibling where a guy is just clearly being disrespectful and looking at everything BUT you).

What else is going on?

Besides a lot of reading and cooking and working lately, I'm meditating, so that's good too. Right now, I'm working on NOT getting caught up in the chaos and frustration of certain events.

I heard the other day that REAL SPIRiTIUAL POWER is being able to REMAIN CALM in ADVERSITY. We all know that I learned well and good the extent of my STRENGTH the last four months. And while I AM proud of how I conducted myself, for the most part, throughout my Summer/Beginning Autumn from Hell, I didn't lash out at anyone or get violent or scream and yell at them or call them names. I was quite STRONG, and even kind, through all of it. I can't, however, look back and say I was CALM.

So, that's my new goal, let people be who they want to be, do what they want to do (unless they're directly hurting me in some way) and just be responsible for myself.

It is not my job, nor my place, to "fix" someone, I can't change anyone but myself. I've KNOWN that for a LONG time and heard it my WHOLE life, but NOW, now I'm living it.

I think if you like/love yourself and are happy with who YOU are, then there's not so much of a need to fix others.

I'm still a "corrector" by nature, I think. But the more you try and "correct" people, I've found, the more they retreat from you. And that's not what I want.

Again, I'm not a doormat who will just lay down for anyone and take their crap, because I don't. But I also don't have to walk around with a chip on my shoulder ready to grouch out anyone who DARE disagree with me. Okay, I was NEVER like that, but my point is--I've learned and I know my strength--and NOW, I'm learning and knowing my ability to be CALM. Again, I don't always succeed, and when I spoke earlier about bounduires, I meant it. I'm good at those now--not boundaries that keep people out, but boundaries that keep you safe, sound and happy. There's a huge difference. Anyway, the point is, most people are NOT going to change unless they want to, and each of us is on our OWN unique path. They are where they are supposed to be (literally and figuratively) and so am I. Learning to let go of the need to correct, and stay calm through trial--it's important, and I'm LEARNING that. Key word, LEARNING that! LOL!

Whew, this has been a super long post, and I'm tired. I think I've written all that I can for tonight, and definitely what I needed (and wanted) too. I really am going to try and post here more often because it is so good for me and I hope you all as well!

I hope you're all doing well and have a fabulous Thanksgiving! Please remember to give thanks each and every day--and sometimes, every hour! For we are all SO blessed!

Thank You, Lord, for it all, You know what I'm grateful for--always!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. It's funny how even in her death (whether we're talking about her mind/sanity and/or physical being) my Grandma Elizabeth is still teaching me so much--Spiritually Speaking. This is a time of Spiritual Growth for me, I am content, I am happy, I am peaceful. Not because everything is perfect or easy, or because I don't wrestle with anything difficult, but because life is what it is. I am here. I am loved. I have loved and I do love. I never thought my Grandma would continue teaching me until her dying day--literally--I am so blessed to be her grand daughter. Thank you so much, Grandma, I love you, I miss you--and I always will! Peace be with you too. God Bless!