Superbowl Sunday, Almost Surgery & Rage against Depression!

Happy Superbowl Sunday, everybody! The teams playing are not even close to being among my favorites, but since I live next door to Arizona, I have to root for the Cardinals! GO CARDINALS! (I really wish the TN Titans were playing! Oh well, maybe next year!)

So, today is the day that American's gather 'round the TV and eat, eat, eat, eat, eat! Kind of like Thanksgiving, only without the Turkey, official meal and well, thanks-giving. Although I'm pretty sure a lot of men (and women too!) are very thankful for football! LOL! I say women too to be fair, and because I'm the daughter of a mother who is a bigger football fan than most men I know, aside from my father--it's one of the few things they ever had in common! Mom can't stand the Steelers, which is another reason I'm rooting for the Cardinals. Yes, I'm 25, an almost married grown woman, but still, my mom's pretty passionate about her football and her teams. (Do not try to talk to her when the Broncos lose!) So, I think it's in my best interest to root for Arizona--less I want an hour lecture on why "Pittsburg sucks!" Sorry, Steeler fans, they can't be that bad, they're playing in the Superbowl, right?!

Anyway, whatever team you're rooting for today, I hope you enjoy the game! Personally, I still have trouble understanding football (although I'm getting better at it) so I watch the game mostly for the commercials! (I think a lot of people do.)

So, I'm going to spend the day catching up on email, paperwork and dishes! Our kitchen is, well, seemingly possible to keep up with. That sounds horrible, doesn't it? I swear we both (Colin & I) clean it every single day, and yet every single day, the dishes pile up. I still haven't figured out why. The rest of the kitchen can be, and usually is, picked up, sanitized and sparkling clean; but those darn dishes--they're endless! Oh well, hey, you know what, it's called soap and water and a little bit of elbow grease! And, if I have a pile of dishes, that means I'm well-fed, have stuff to eat off of and people to share my meals with! And all of that is such a blessing!

I was quiet the last two days because I was fighting a serious bout of depression. Friday I was almost stoic and yesterday morning was difficult. I took a walk, I meditated, I leaned on a tree (literally) and sat on my front porch steps listening the birds chirp. I also called my grandma and laughed with her. And when I came back in the house, my sweetheart was up and about, and actually in a good mood! Probably because it was his day off! We have a relationship rule that we've recently made: no talking in the morning! He's not a morning person at all, both of us are usually in pain when we wake up and are prone to bark and snap at each other. And most importantly, I NEED my quiet time and space to think and meditate, as well as clear & prepare my mind for the day! So, once we noticed that most of our arguements--throughout our entire relationship--have started before 12pm....we made a rule that no longer will we be speaking in the morning. That may sound harsh or cruel, but trust me, it's working wonders for us! Any relationship rules you have that you care to share? Any rule that others may find odd, but works beautifully for you? I'm curious to know.....

Anyway, with this little piece of information, (Colin & I not speaking in the morning) you can see why I was surprised that he was up, about and in a good mood. Unfortunately, I wasn't. My bad. No, that's not true, I wasn't in a bad mood, I was just...depressed. Here's why:

Colin's test results came back and they came back 100% normal and fine. NOTHING! Perfect blood, lipids, cholesterol, kidney/liver function, etc. Which IS fantastic, truly, Praise the Lord! But, that also kind of put us back at square one and "get a second opinion," we'd love, but we can't afford to do. Colin is one of the millions of Americans who are insured but still can't afford multiple doctor visits and what not. It absolutely, positively, totally sucks. He, and so many others, works so hard--and we KNOW something isn't right here. I was looking at pictures of him on here last night (going through my own albums) and you can see, month by month by month--even from last September when we had our engagement photos taken--month my month, his face gets thinner and thinner. And this month, well, last month--January that it is, he looked almost gaunt. And he eats all of the time--much like me. We've been cooking together every night (one of my most favorite things to do together!) and eating a ton! But my babe can't gain weight. Me, I've always been that way; thin n' tiny, so it's normal. But for him, it's NOT normal. When he started losing weight last summer it was great; a total turn on....he did need to lose about twenty pounds back then; he was pretty heavy when we met. I loved him anyway, and always will--regardless of his size. That's what love is. But, it's still a great concern for us that he can't seenm to put the weight back on no matter what he does. And at this point, he really can't afford to lose anymore! My babe is shrinking and none of us can figure out why. It's so absolutely frustrating! He has started to feel better, but, I don't know...I have good instinct and my instinct says that something's wrong. I don't think he's dying or anything and I read the blood results in black and white, But, still...it scares the crap out of me.

So, that's one reason I think I was depressed. Also, did I mention I'm not good when I'm not the paitent? Sure, I'm quite medically competent, I can explain things to my man that he says he just "doesn't get." I've been around the medical block and up and down the health ladder, so I know how it works. Fill out endless forms, hurry up and wait, and wait and wait and wait. Don't lose your paitence and don't take it personally. (The waiting!) You have a right to ask questions and doctors like it when you do--they're certainly not mind readers. But, still, for me, it's stressful to not be the paitent and I think I rather would be. It's my specialty!

That being said, this past week I came very close to being the patient again. Frigtenly close.

I have a cyst on my right ovary, and it recently got bigger. It's NOT cancerous and it's not truly not a matter of life-and-death. But, it was incredibly painful. Excrushiatingly, exhausting, ANNOYINGLY painful. So I went to my OBGYN (fun!) and he said he'd be willing to go in and take it out. The cyst that is. And at first, I was like "okay, let's go!" And then I came home that night and sincerely thought about it.

And yes, compared to what I've been through, a minor, typical procedure to move a little ovarian cyst is no big deal. Yes, it's a procedure that's done every day. Yes, I'd be healed in time for my wedding and my honeymoon (wink, wink). And yes, I've had a ton of surgeries already, 32 to be exact, so what's another one? Except that is. It IS another one. And for me, it would be #33. THIRTY-FREAKIN'-THREE! No thanks!

So, I thought about it, long and hard. And when Colin went to bed that night (Tuesday) I came downstairs and went into our half bath on the first floor of our townhome. I grabbed my Bible, my meditation book and a robe. First, I got angry and PISSSED! I yelled at God and asked Him "Why? God, why, why, why, why? Haven't I been through ENOUGH here? Don't I do MY part to take care of myself. I don't eat meat, I don't drink, I already can't have babies. Seriously! Why? And why NOW? This is my time damn it! My time to be "normal," and get married....have a wedding, enjoy my honeymoon and be NOWHERE near a hospital during the process! So, WHY!"

I wasn't trying to curse God or be ungrateful for my obvious abundant blessings. Even in those moments, I'm STILL eternally grateful for being able to walk, talk, sit, stand, move, go, see, hear, eat, pee and other stuff! Truly, I'm never not grateful for those. And I know that millions of people around the world, and even as we speak here today, have it WAY worse than I do, or ever did! And I get that. I really do. But, THAT part of my life. The surgery, hospital, doctors every week....that's over. Or at least I thought it was. This is MY time now. I've worked too hard and live a very certain way to just end up back on the OR table. You know. Well, you probably don't know and I don't want to sound like a big baby. But, just know that my questions were not stemmed in ungratefulness, but rather, just wanting to know.

So, after I yelled and asked God why. I got really, really quiet. And I prayed--and I listened. And this proverb came to me, I don't even know where it is in the Bible, but it says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." I thought of that phrase. And I got quiet again. Then God answered me. I got the cyst because too often (believe in or not) I let things go to keep the peace in my life. As honest as I am with others in my life, sometimes, I'm not as honest as I need to be with Colin or my mother. And sometimes, I don't complain when I need to because I don't want to add worry or stress to their lives. Well, guess what? Repression of thoughts or feelings can lead to cysts--at least for me it did. I'm not saying I'm a liar and I am honest when asked directly. But, I don't like complaining, and Colin has enough to worry about right now. As does everyone come to think of it. But I had to realize the other night that we have a PARTNERSHIP, and there will be times when we ADD to each other's load, and that's okay. I also got this cyst because I was TOO STRESSED about a wedding that is pretty much already planned and in order. And also, that I can't control anymore than I already have! There will be certain people in my life, at every step of the way, who are nay-sayers; everyone has them. There will be people in my life who don't understand marriage, or anyone's desire to be married. And there will be people in my life who will never appreciate the tremendously cheap and cost-effective way Colin & I have done this wedding. And you know what, poo poo on them! I KNOW I'm doing the right thing, and despite the craziness of life, there truly is NOWHERE else I'd rather be. The nay-sayers will be there, and I have to accept that. I guess I'll just do what I've done throughout my life--prove them wrong! My point is, I can't be a total people pleaser all of the damn time. I can disagree and say my peace respectfully and with tact. I can be Christian about it and turn the other cheek if it truly isn't going to matter on my death bed. (In like, 80 years!) But, I can't DENY it. And I can't pretend like physical pain (cyst, back, etc), and wedding/marriage nay-sayers don't affect me, because they do! So, no more denial. I'm still tremendously happy, grateful and beyond blessed--really, but the journey to my actual wedding hasn't been all wine and roses--I doubt anyone's ever is and it's time to embrace that, rise above it and MOVE ON!

No more stinkin' thinkin', future trippin' or negative grippin' for me!

So, that's why I got depressed. The idea of going back to the O.R. Of coming SO darn close to THAT part of my life again...right NOW of ALL times. It was seriously depressing for me. So I told God, I said,

"Look, I know that You never give us more than we can handle. And I'm telling you, God, I can't handle this right now. I can't do it. Yes, I know You'd be there and I have Colin to stand beside me and all of that. But, no, not right now. If You want me to have this cyst removed, fine, but not just yet. Please. I've waited a very long time to have a wedding and get married and Colin & I have worked so hard to get us here. Our families and friends have worked right a long with us. We've already been through so much medically, and he's going through his own crap. So, please. Not right now. I can't take it. When I come back from my honeymoon, I'll do whatever You lean on my heart to do. But, just not now. Please, please, please take this pain away. So, take the cyst and make it non-existent, please. Make it so that this time leading up to my wedding isn't marred by my body malfunctioning--again. Please. I gave up tetherball for my back in 1994, belly dancing for my woman stuff in 1999 and 2001, giving a speech at my graduation because of my vocal chords. So, not now. This is my time to be normal and ENJOY that day, without hospitals, surgeries or medical complications. I will be honest with people, I will calm down. I will take care of myself as well as Colin. I will stand by his side and I will be honest with him. I will meditate every single solitary day. I will do my part, but please do Yours. Please take this pain away and don't give me, and/or Colin, more than You know we can handle."

And then I asked God this question "Is this cyst a sign that I'm not supposed to marry Colin? Is this a sign that he isn't supposed to marry me? Is that Your point?" And I got a resounding NO! Colin & I ARE supposed to marry one another. And we ARE indeed doing the right thing here. The devil ain't gonna get me down! No sir-ee! God told me that indeed neither of us picked the easiest marriage, we wil constnatly face something as everyone does. We will constantly learn and grow--and that's a good thing! But, we are absolutely meant to be together! And that gives me SUCH a comfort. I hate to admit that I even asked that question, but, I did. I feel like I already knew, but I needed confirmation. And I got it, thank You God!

So, basically, me and God, we talked. It was a truly lovely conversation! Very two-way, I love that! And I love God! I woke up on Thursday WITHOUT cramping! For the first time in MONTHS, my ovary didn't hurt! It literally did not hurt. It does hurt a TINY bit right now, but NOTHING like it did. The last few months, there have been times when I was in so much pain with the ovary that it was difficult to walk. That's why I told God that if I really was supposed to have this cyst removed, I would, just not until after my wedding/honeymoon. I'm not saying no, I'm saying no to now. Anyway, Thursday, Friday and yesterday--NO PAIN! Well, at least not ovarian cyst pain. And truly and sincerely PRAISE the Lord for that! It's nice to know, well, I do know, but it's nice to have confirmation that God really does LISTEN! He hears our prayers, He knows what we truly can and cannot handle, and we must do our part in our lives, but. God is truly grand and as I always say 'miracles happen everyday regardless of past circumstances or expected outcomes!

So, that's my life this week. Crazy, scary, at moments with an onset of depression. But all and all, it wasn't a bad week. Not a bad week at all. I grew. I got closer to God and stronger in my faith! I founds out who the real people in my life are and where they stand. I got closer to Colin.

I did equal parts of talking honestly and listening intently! It was good!

And now, I'm ready to face the coming week! A lot to do, check up on and organize. But, I'm ready, I can do it. I fell off the preverbial "no-depression, total happiness horse" and I got back on! That's what I always do, that's what most people always do!

And I will say this: knowing that I have not only God but my family and my friends and my Colin. Knowing that I have all of you, on here, and my best girlfriends on the phone. It helps a lot! Speaking of best girlfriends, I called one of them at 12:30am the other night. 12:30 and she answered her phone. She wasn't sleeing yet, so that made me feel less guilty, but she's always told me to call anytime day or night. So, I tried that theory. Colin was sleeping and I needed to talk. She not only answered, but she talked with me for an hour! Now THAT'S a true friend! I couldn't believe it, I got off the phone at what was now 1:30am and just cried tears of joy. Seriously, how freakin' blessed am I! I have two of those kinds of girlfriends, by the way. My other best girlfriend I talk to literally every day. Every single day. And of course, I have my guy best friend, my sweetheart, Colin! I have three best friends--and please, don't ask me to choose between them on a friend level, because I positively cannot do it! But, as for calling in the middle of the night, literally, I'd do the same for my friends, truly and without hetitation. It shouldn't surprise me, their loyalty and love and support. Their willingness to listen again and try and understand. And often do understand to boot! That's just the kind of terrific and amazing, strong people they are! But still, it's humbling and fantastic to know that you've got true-blue friends like that. it helps tremendously! And I have a few of them, not just one, so I'm no doubt, beyond blessed!

So, to all of you on here, who have been praying and following my journey. To all of who you have so sweetly commented and incurred on Colin's condition. And all of you who have crazy, complicated, stressful and often physically ill lives of your own...THANK YOU...thank you for taking time out to read these blog posts of mine. For commenting and encouraging, supporting and loving! And most of all, thank you for your prayers! I can feel them, I see them working and I hope you know, you all are always, always in mine!

Thank you, Lord, for listening even when others cannot. For providing me with so many great listeners in my life! For Your hearing my words, my pleas and requests. For working with me, and not against me. (Not that you work against people, but I digress!). Thank You for my new-found attitude. For the ball of tears I cried the other night that held a little of everything I've felt lately. For the freedom of expression and the love of others. Thank You for my truly amazing friends and my sweetheart too! For the lessons and the thoughts and the warm home! For the desire to not let depression get the best of me, and for the aleviation of pain. For the dishes in th sink and the floor that needs sweeping--again. For the man who did housework yesterday on his day off and told me to "not worry about it," because he knew the battle I was raging against. (Depression, I felt it coming on and did what needed to be done to not plummit in it completely.) For the mom who always loves me more than life itself and the relationship we have because hey, she's here to still learn from! For the extension of friends and family and love and support. And for faith; faith in You and Your faith in us! Thank you so much for it all!

So, here's to God, true miracles and friendship...and the miracle that friendship is! God Bless Us Everyone!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)