So I'm NOT nuts...Marriage IS harder for some people than Parenting...who'd a thunk it?!

I found this on Dooce.com, this a blog by a woman named Heather Armstrong who I just found out about by way of another blog I read occasionally. Anyway, Heather is a mom and a wife, and earlier this year, she asked this question:

"Is marriage or motherhood easier?"

Obviously, I'm not a mom, so I can't really say. I think in some ways, both are/would be equally hard. I agree that with a child, the duties are more clear-cut, but I also agree that if you "go on a date with a guy who screams at you for 2 hours straight, you'd never call him again, you'd probably block his number, with a child, you have to put [up with it]--forever." (Heather Armstrong). The deal is this, and even I know this: you CAN actually divorce a spouse (I don't want too, not saying that), but you cannot get away from your kid(s), once you have them. Like, once you become a parent, that's IT. There is absolutely no going back, no matter what. So, I personally think in that respect, it would be harder than marriage. BUT...I also think having CHOICES in life often makes it more difficult. Anyway, in all reality, people of my grandmothers' generation probably sit around going "what are they whiny bitches bitching about? I mean, they have it SO good. We had no choices, no two ways about it. We HAD to marry and HAD to have kids, that's it, what's what you did, and there was no complaining." I can just hear that generation of women going "if these whiny girls SHUT UP and spent half as much time with their husbands/kids as they did complaining, they'd probably be a lot happier! And you know what, they're probably not wrong. We probably would be. But I like having the CHOICE---I chose to get married and my husband and I will CHOOSE to have, or not have, a child. And I like that. I think that just because women didn't complain as much back then doesn't mean they were any happier than we are today! Anyway, here's the video http://www.dooce.com/node?page=44 (scroll down). And here's what some of the women said:

** means I did NOT say these things myself!

**29. bohica said:
For me, marriage is tougher. I think I EXPECTED that I wasn't going to know what I was doing with my children, so every time I was successful at something, it was just a bonus. Each time I did something naturally, I was thrilled. Eventually it all came easier. Marriage just continually throws me curve balls. My own illness, his issues, our issues at the same time: what the HELL. Just when I think I have it all figured out, something else comes up. The difference is that with parenthood, I don't EXPECT more. With marriage, I expect him to have some intrinsic knowledge (my bad), or that we'll break into some sort of conversation that will miraculously explain our differences. Still waiting.

**I personally have found that motherhood has been easier. The perimeters of my relationships with my children are much easier defined that with my husband. Though, candidly...I have had 2 marriages and one horrific relationship in between. I am much better equipped for the care and feeding of children than a husband...but I am working on it.

**While I definitely don't have a child yet, I will say that marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done. Harder than being raised Baptist. Harder than going to an obscure Christian college. Harder than trying to find my first job with a degree in English from an obscure Christian college. For people who are control freaks like me, I assume there's some sort of peace, however, in choosing the person you spend the rest of your life with in holy matrimony. One does not choose the kind of person one gives birth to.
51. Diana said:

**For me, marriage is harder. While I love my husband very much, I don't unconditionally love him like I do our daughter. And it's always easier to be sweet, patient and calm with someone you love unconditionally even when you've had no sleep and are facing deadlines at work the next day. And a spouse's needs are much more complex than a child's. You know what you're child's needs are, they're easy to fulfill. With a spouse, it's not so easy nor can you always meet their needs.

**23. cj coats said:
Marriage is way harder. My kids came OUT OF ME. Daddy is just some dude I met on the internet. We have a good laugh about it when he's at work!

**See, I'm in the opposite camp.Motherhood came naturally for me - I don't mean that in a high and mighty way..I just mean the instincts kicked in, I was never really scared of it. But, I'd had lots of experience w/ babies all through my teens.Marriage has been difficult to say the least.Although the pull to get married was very strong, I really had no idea what to expect. Most of what I did expect wasn't realistic. My parents have each been married and divorced numberous times. I had a clear picture of all the marriage scenarios that I wanted to avoid - but no real life knowledge whatsoever when it came to the day-to-day makings of a good marriage.I love my husband and we're still together. But I would definately say I was much more emotionally prepared to have children than I was to be married. Is that odd?

**169. Shooba said:
Being a wife is harder. Being a spouse in general is harder. I mean where did I sign or initial in the marriage contract that said it's ok for you to put your crusty feet on me for me to rub after I've been on my feet all day in front of a classroom of teenagers with raging hormones and bad attitudes and not offer to reciprocate?
Being a parent is easy, and your child loves you and generally accepts you no matter what kind of day you had and is perfectly happy with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner instead of a full course meal.signed: Still going strong after 10 years married......

**200. Anonymous said:When taken separately, I believe marriage to be far harder than parenting. I have a far greater instinct to mother than to "spouse" and my husband certainly doesn't need another mother. To a greater extent, however, I think that parenting takes a huge toll on a marriage and can make it even more difficult. There are many days when I see my husband as a father, an employee, a gym rat and he sees me as a mother, an assistant etc. Although there is partnership in those roles, the role of husband and wife can be lost in the shuffle...until he notices my nice rack.

Okay, a lot of people said that parenthood was harder! And even though I'm not a parent, I have to agree. I think being a parent must be THE hardest job on earth, even if it comes naturally to you. I do however think it all depends! It all depends on each personal situation. It depends on where or not you have a challenging husband and/or child--it depends on how YOU communicate/react to your spouse/childs' needs/wants. I think it's different for everyone. I do know that some days I'm a better spouse than my husband is, and some days, he's a much better spouse than me! It all depends, it's give & take, it ebbs and it flows. For now though, I'm pretty happy to continue settling into marriage and take one thing at a time.

God Bless all the mothers/fathers/husbands/wives out there--really, we ALL deserve a metal!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz