Half-Birthday--Full Strength!

Wow! I have been 26 for 6 months already, I'm halfway done! I'm halfway to 27, seriously, WHERE did the time go? Anyway, I'm going through another rough summer--my grandma and my dad are sick--my Nellie Marie is literally on her way out, and there's some other stuff that I'm not willing to share just yet. Let's just say, the happy, easy feeling I was feeling a few weeks ago--yeah, that was the calm before the storm. But, this too shall pass. I'm quite upset about my Nellie Marie, my heart is just breaking. I cry every time I think of having to put her down. I don't know how I'll feel when that moment comes, but I can't think of that right now--I have to enjoy the little time I have left with her and just be. I have to accept the seemingly unacceptable--it's the only way to peace. I found out she was sick last week, on my mother's birthday. Thankfully, my grandma and grandpa were in town and I got to spend most of the day (Nellie was @ the Vet) w/ my grandma. I may not be getting the actual "vacation" I wanted this weekend, but I got to sit by the pool w/ my grandma last week. We sat and talked and walked the pool and shared a beer (seriously!) and lounged in the hot tub. They stayed at an RV park and I LOVE that place! I love their RV! Anyway, we also went to Trader Joe's and she got to see where I live, so that was nice! It was so awesome that while @ Trader Joe's they had a sampling of Trail Mix that had butterscotch chips and peanut butter chips in it--that's so serendipity. When I was a little tiny girl, every time I'd go to Grandma's house, I'd sneak into her "baking cabinet" (she didn't have a pantry) and grab a handful of "chips." She had all kinds of them--milk chocolate chips, white chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, peanutbutter chips, dark chocolate chips--oh it was great! I just thought it was so neat and so God working in my life--to have run into butterscotch/peanutbutter chips when I'm shopping with my Grandma! I hadn't seen either of the two in years! When I tasted them and then saw more in the sample cup I got all excited and said "Grandma! This is so cool, remember how I used sneak these from your cabinet? You caught me every time!" She laughed and said "you remember that stuff?" I said "yes, of course I do, I remember a lot of things with you." She smiled and seemed geninuely happy that I'd remembered something like that. It was just a neat moment. I saw her in late April also, when she was really sick. I saw her at Christmas--ON my 26th birthday--I saw her in May of 2009 and of course, at my wedding in March. I've seen her a lot in the last 15 months, I feel blessed by that. So, anyway, yesterday, she ended up in the hospital again, she had a small stroke. I am very concerned and heart broken, but she's okay. She's still hanging in there. And I got to hang out with her last week, so it's okay. I hope my grandma's around for a long, long time--but her health has been declining for so long, I've had to make peace with the fact that she may not be. It's hard, I don't like it, but it what it is. That, with Nellie and stuff at home and my Dad...oy ve! Life is hard right now, so I posted on that on Facebook and a few people responded (including the real Mrs. Billy Dean--how sweet!)--here is my response to them:

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Thank you SO much ladies, I really, really appreciate your prayers.

Yes, I do have a lot going on right now, and going through--but that's just it, I'm going THROUGH it--I'm not staying stuck in it or letting it stop me from enjoying little every day moments.

Life goes on, the world may crumble around me, but MY world doesn't have to. ... See More

I can only do so much and the rest I have to just let go and let God. As hard as that may be, especially for a stubborn girl like me--I feel a sense of peace and growth right now that I've not felt since last summer!

Today is my 1/2 birthday, and I'm definitely "birthing" a more mature, accepting attitude!

Honestly, it seems like summer is always a crappy time for me--surgeries for myself, for others, relationship changes, moving (which I don't like doing), stuff w/ my family, my mother being seriously clinically derpessed (2 years ago) etc, etc. I always loved summer growing up, but now that I think about it, most of the "crap" that's happened in my life--AROUND me, not TO me has happened in the summertime. (Parents' divorce, my VATER diagnosis, grandpa's dying, etc.) So, I kind of just expect it now. Summers are rough for me, but.....

honestly, I feel myself growing SO much right now. I feel God's Presence working in my life. I feel His love, His peace, His grace. I feel my walk with him, and my faith, getting stronger.

I'll admit, sometimes, I do feel hopeless and like "what's the freakin' point?" or "are you kidding me?! Enough already!" But, I am still incredibly blessed. I am incredibly strong, I have been through A LOT already and I WILL get through all of this too. It may not be easy, it may not be fun, I will shed some (or a lot of) tears, I will have my "down" days--but that's life.

You take the good, the bad and everything in between. We were never promised an easy life, but we were promised a joyful one where we could grow in character through trial and tribulation. A lot of people are going through a lot more than I am right now, a lot of people are homeless, out of work, all alone, way sicker (physically) than I am, hungry, limbless and hopeless. I know this, and I keep it in mind. No matter how bad things may be for me, there's ALWAYS someone and something that has it 10 times worse than I do. Like I said, I have food and shelter, and clothes, a a job that I love. I can walk and talk and write and hear. You know, those are all blessings. I can think for myself and enjoy food and have fresh water. I am not ugly or burned or mamed. I'm not in a war-zone, I can drive my car and wear what I want. So, yes, I have a lot to be grateful for!

Sure, sometimes, I think "hey, I've got enough character. Haven't I already proven how strong I am?" But, obviously, I need a little more. I'm no llonger going "why me? (I did that on Sunday)" but "how can I get through this with grace and peace?" That's the goal, and it's getting easier.

My grandmother has been sick for a long time now, and I've made my peace with that. I've gotten to see her a lot in the last year and we've had our talks and showcase of pure love and admiration for each other. I am thankful for that every day. I know that I am blessed enough to have been able to make peace with relationships in my life and whatever happens, happens!

My Dad is kind of sick also, but what he'll be alright, he's even said so and what he has is managable, it's just not easy. What heck is, right?

The thing that is bothering me the MOST right now is actually my Nellie--it's a part of life, I know, but it's just so sad. I miss her already. She's had a good, long life...but my concern is getting THROUGH everything else WITHOUT her--as she too is a very Earthly source of comfort and companionship. I don't know if that makes sense, but yes, I cry every time I think of her not being here.

So, I don't think it's so much going through a lot right now as it is, GETTING through a lot right now. I will grow, I will learn, I will be a normal human being. But, I will be humbled, and I will come out the other side stronger and better for it--because I always do. Life is still precious and blessed, and it will be fantastic again--it already is--you just have to look for it! Pockets of time and moments of joy run throughout each day, it's hard to notice them sometimes during hard stuff, but they are there! I'm blessed to know this!

Anyway, I didn't mean to write a novel, I guess I just needed to vent. I do have a lot on my plate right now, but it's nothing I can't handle. If God brings me to it, He will bring me through it.

I am relying on my inner-strength, my faith, extended family and great friends like you! I may question that faith sometimes, but that's okay too.

I am being humbled each day and I thank you all for your prayers, support and encouragement. You just add to my already many blessings--thank you! God Bless you & yours and please, keep the prayers coming, I can feel them working!

Love, Peace & Gratitude Always,
-Sarah

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I'm really quite proud of myself lately, this is completely opposite of my attitude last summer when shit happened--and the summer of 2008....I'm really growing up. I have my moments of crying and bawling and asking "why me?" but I also think I've known for quite sometime, that I would be further tested this summer. I usually always am. It's not a crisis, it's hard and it sucks and I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow. I don't know how I'll handle it a week from now or what certain things will feel like (not having Nellie, grandma's lessened ability to walk/talk next time I see her) when they're actually done with. But I can't worry about it. I have to live each moment right NOW...I've been getting getting that message all year--my inner voice telling me that--also telling me that it ALL will be okay, that I will land on my feet. That I won't be put through more than I can handle, that everyone has their own karma and choices to me. I have to handle my own and make my own--choices that it. So, my choice is to LIVE the power of staying in the moment. Go with whatever I'm feeling whenever I'm feeling it--not give into it necessarily, but accept it. I can stand up for what I believe in, I can become stronger in my values and my strength and my faith--but I can also cry and question and be sad and angry--I just can't stay in it. I have to keep moving--onward, forward and upward! And I'm doing it, one day at a time.

My life is indeed beautiful and blessed--and despite the craziness--the missing pure bliss that was my 26th birthday--I'm still having a very happy HALF birthday!

Here's to all I've learned during the first half 26, and here's to what I'll learn in the next six months!

Thank You, Lord, for it all--most of all, Your grace!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. Speaking of birthdays, my mom had a really good one a week ago today! We had a fantastic dinner out! Nora's Italian Food, so good! It was great to celebrate my mother and the incredible, amazing, strong woman she is (where do you think I get it? from her and grama!) with her mother and grandpa! Happy Birthday, mom--I love you so much, here's to many more!