Last Hour of 2010 in Pacific Standard Time...Going through my "Feel Good File"!

I wasn't going to write again this year--literally. I was going to go in my room and quietly ring in the New Year! Graciously ring it in, of course, but not write again. And then I decided to go through my Hope Chest at the end of my bed. I got the "chest" when I was seven years old, back then, it was a Toy Box, that I think someone made for me, but I'm not sure. Anyway, twenty years later, as an adult, it is my Hope Chest. I don't own anything uber expensive, but I am a sentimal kind of person. I'm sensitive, I feel things so deeply--and so intrinsicly--all of it, good and bad and in between. So, when I was feeling down today (Yes, I'm fighting depression) I decided to go through all of my Birthday and Christmas Cards I got this year. When I gathered them all up, put them in a ziplock baggie (my Card Storage System, for some reaeson) and went to put them in my Hope Chest, I suddenly saw all of my other cards from years past. So, I got them out. I sat on my bedroom floor and went through the last five years of Birthday and Christmas Cards--and I was humbled. I found cards from nearly everyone who's been anyone in my life over the last five years and I was truly touched. To be honest, some people did totally miss my birthday this year,(not everyone, a lot of people acknowledged it, but some did not--again, not that anyone owed me a nice birthday, just saying, it was a first that some people totally forogt about it that's all) and to be even more honest, that did sort of hurt my feelings. I know it's NOT personal--it's a busy time of year, people are strapped for cash, and I get that. But, it was just hard. Anyway, as I was reading the cards and such from the last five years it reminded me of how loved I really am. It reminded that people DO care about me, that they DO love me and admire me. That I DO inspire them. (That's what I really want, to inspire people, to help them. They sure help me.) Sometimes, I forget that. Sometimes, I get so caught up in what's wrong with the world, and what's difficult in my life, that I easily forget that people do care. The other night, I posted something sort of negative on Facebook (I did NOT badmouth anyone and I wasn't totally bummed) and I got all sorts of responses about how I should be positive and focus on my gifts in my life--and I don't mean the THINGS in it. I was totally offended because: first off, I'm HUMAN. I'm entitled to have down days and I have a right to being human, not always so perky and positive. Secondly, I am a lot of things, but un-grateful is NOT one of them. Even in my darkest moments, in the depth of depression--I am still abundantly, overhwelmingly grateful for ALL that I have. At ANY given moment, I can honestly name ten to twenty things I am grateful for right then and there--and it's not always the same things. I'm grateful for little things and big things and all the things in between. And just because I have a bad day, or am struggling with something--does not mean I'm no longer grateful for all that I have. I KNOW how blessed I am, I KNOW how tremendous my life is. I KNOW how strong I am. But, I'm also human, and at 27, in the week since I've been this age--I no longer care to pretend that I'm perfect. I no longer care to be someone other than who I really am--a spiritual being having a human experience. I'm growing, I'm changing--yes, I want to change for the better. But plasting a smile on my face when I'm clearly NOT okay is not going to serve me in the long run. I can try my best to be happy, continue to learn the lessons that life is trying to teach me, strengthen both my spirit and my faith--and continue to show gratitude for all that I have. And I WANT to do all of that, I really do. But, I can't be happy and positive and perky all the time. At the end of the day, yes, that is totally who I am. But I need to give myself the freedom to be real. In the last year, I have focused on honesty. If I haven't shared something here, it's because I didn't want to share it, not because I felt like lying about it. I don't want to be a negative, cruchety person who no one wants to be around, and I want to continue to inspire people and remind them of the greatness of life--because life is great. But, it's also hard, and I also want to be real. It used to be that my optimism alienated me from some people, and now, my honesty seems to be alieanating me from some people--quite weird, if you asked me. The point is--all I want is the freedom to be who I am--whoever that is, at any given moment. Everyone else complains so damn much about EVERYTHING, so why am I not allowed to do the same sometimes? What's good for the goose is good for the gander and I want to be gander for once--just once, that's all I ask! LOL! Anyway, I wasn't planning on spending the last night of 2010 remicnising, but I am so darn glad I did. All those cards and such from beloved friends and family--most of whom, thankfully, are still alive & in my life today--reminded me of just how positive I can be. Just how positive I want to be. They reminded me, again, how much I contribute to the world and what a difference I have made in peoples' lives. (Kind of like the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" kind of thing--that's what I experienced tonight, and it is truly, a WONDERFUL life, indeed!) I'm not saying this to gloat or pat myself on the back--it's just something that I needed to be reminded of. I was feeling down, I was depressed, I was feeling like no one cared at all--and by going through my Hope Chest, and getting all sentimental--I was reminded that YES, I AM GOOD and I AM WORTHY. I was not at all thinking about running away or ending my life, THAT I would NEVER, EVER, EVER do. But, you know, we're all human--we all have bad days, we all have moments when life just gets to be too much--and it's percisely at those moments that we need those special reminders from peopel who care! I'm glad I have those--the reminders and especially the people! It's nice to know you're cared about, and thought about, and loved and admired. Moments like this are exactly why I keep such things--cards and letters and so on. I keep the sentimental stuff for when I'm feeling down--my "feel good" file as an author friend of mine likes to call it. And we all need a "feel good" file. Not that we need others to sustain us, but sometimes, we do need them to remind us. I'm so glad I was reminded tonight. I'm so glad I can ring in the New Year with a better attitude. I don't want to be all depressed, but sometimes, we just are. I can't wait for the New Year--less than an hour away! Awesome! I can't believe it's almost 2011, but thank God it is! I DO know, even through the depression I feel sometimes, that life IS what I make it. (I even said that in the previous entry on here). Even through tough times, I KNOW good and well that what I send out into the universe, I will get back--tenfold! Shoot, I gave scarves for Christmas gifts this year, and I endd up receiving three of them as Christmas gifts this year--see what I mean--what goes around comes around, literally. I know, have seen and totally believe in reaping what you sew--and I totally believe in Karma! I want my karma to be lovely and enjoyable! I want to build good karma--and I certainly don't want my Karma to be a bitch--not at all! LOL! Anyway, I hope 2011 brings me less tears, more fun, more joy and above all, PEACE! I think 2010 was all about acceptance, and I think 2011 will be all about peace. I'm not saying I won't have to struggle to find it, but that is what I really want--PEACE! Peace within myself, peace within my relationships, peace within my heart. I have felt it many times throughout 2010, and hope to feel it even more in 2011!!! And most of all, I hope you all feel it too--I think that's what we all want, the peace and love of friends and family and faith and God! So, thank You, Lord, for making me just as You did--a little bit different. For making me a peace-seeking, family loving, grateful, faithful, strong and steady Person who NEVER doubts that her deepest identity comes from You! Thank you for a renewed sense of spirit, strength and optimisim, in the New Year! Here's to a fantastic 2011 and a continued kinship wtih You, family and life itself! Let's make it great! Happy New Year!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)