Listening to my Inner-Voice & Accepting my Outer Voice

I am attempting to grow more lately, on a spiritual level. Attempting would be the operative word! LOL! I'm listening more to my inner-voice, we all have it--each and every one of us. Sometimes, people call it "The Holy Spirit" or "The Holy Ghost". Some call it an intuition, a gut feeling or something else. I call it my inner-voice.

I have spoken a lot on this very blog about gut instincts and intuition--especially this year. It's a pain in the butt sometimes, when you know you can and want to silence your ego and the outside noise of the world. And just do what your inner voice is telling you. They can be real contradictions, the two of them. And it isn't easy, but honestly, it's easier than fighting against it. My biggest teacher of this is learning to accept my outer worldly voice. I've had a hard time with it my whole life. But I'm beginning to realize that learning to accept my outer voice, is helping me to listen to my inner voice.

Right now, my inner voice is telling me to write about my outer voice. So, I'm going to do just that:

I was born six weeks early, obviously premature. I had a tracheotomy in me for two and a half years and therefore, my vocal chords are damaged. I never really learned to talk with a "normal" voice because my vocal chords have always been damaged. This used to bother me-a lot; some days, it still does. But, for the most part, the older I get--the more I like it.

My physical speaking (outer) voice is unique. My outer voice has been called all sorts of things: raspy, hoarse, sexy, demure, quiet, soft and weird. Whatever people want to call it, it's definitely different, that's for sure!

All of these descriptions has made me question my outer voice for a long time. I've been outright angry at it for most of my life. I never questioned my surgeries and such, but my outer voice--oh I've questioned that a lot. I have a love-hate relationship my outer voice. Sometimes, I love it, sometimes, I hate it. I don't like using the word "hate" as I believe words are very powerful. But, the truth is, for most of my life, I hated my outer voice. I get frustrated, excited, and exasperated with it--sometimes all in the same day.

I get TONS of questions about my voice such as "are you sick?" or "did you lose your voice?" or "what happened to you?"

I'll be honest and say I don't like these particular questions, I really don't. The ones I don't like MORE are "what's WRONG with voice?" or "did somebody party too hard last night?" Ugh! PU-LEASE! If I get one or two of these a day, I can handle it; however, if I get four or five or MORE (and yes, sometimes these questions are an all day event!), then I do get irritated.

I don't mind someone asking if I'm sick, it's a bit annoying after the fourth person in a row does it, but I can understand it. I probably do sound "sick" as in, perhaps I might have a cold. (I don't--most of the time!). I'm sure my voice does sound hoarse or different.

But, what I can't stand are the insinuations that I've partied too hard (I've been to ONE party my whole life--seriously!), or that something is WRONG with me.

Hey, nothing is wrong with me--well, at least not with my voice--okay! What is wrong with YOU?

I often equate it to people in wheelchairs--their struggles are far harder than mine, I know. But, I'm just using this as an example.....

When you see someone in a wheelchair, you don't go up to them and say "hey, what happened to you? Why are you in that wheelchair?" Well, maybe some people do, but I never even thought of it. I never thought about it because it's none of my business.

If someone who's in a wheelchair wants to tell me WHY they're in that wheelchair, that's great, I'll listen with an open heart. But, I don't ASK. I respect their ability to turn their so called "disability" into a capability. And I want the same respect for my voice.

If you're curious and want to know about it, that's fine. Even though it's really none of your business, I will tell you my story if you ask me about it. But, please, don't degrade, belittle or insult me by asking what's WRONG with it.

Don't ask me if I partied too hard last night or had "a little too much fun with the husband, hunh?" Because I didn't. I don't party hard like that, and whether or not I had that kind of fun with my husband is certainly no one's business but my own. I am sometimes insulted when people say stuff like that. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. Especially when it happens all the live long day! And sometimes, it truly does.

However, I've come to realize that people who say those sorts of things are really afraid of THEMSELVES. They have some type of thing they don't like about themselves, or some hang up about imperfection--that's their thing, not mine. I would never walk up to a heavy-set person and say "hey, how'd you get so fat?!" Never! And who the heck would? #1: it is THEIR life, not mine. #2: it's none of my business. #3: um, I think they already know they're heavy and I certainly don't think my pointing it out would do any good what so ever! Same goes with my voice: I KNOW it's different. I KNOW it might sound "weird" to you. And, hey, if I had a cold or was sick, I think I'd know that too!

I had a guy in a wheelchair (a few weeks ago in a store) ask what was wrong with my voice and "how come you talk like that?" Now, I get the "how come you talk like that?" a lot from kids, and when it comes from the kids, I don't mind, because they truly don't know any better. But, adults! COME ON! Show some compassion, folks! But, anyway...this guy in the wheelchair (and no, I'm NOT kidding) asks the question again: "How come you talk like that?"

To which I calmly looked him straight in the eyes and said "really? Seriously?" And he just looked at me. I looked back and said "How come you ask questions like that? Did I ask you why you're in that wheel chair? No. Did I imply that something is even remotely wrong with you because you are in that wheelchair? No. Because there isn't. Therefore, come on. First off, I don't "talk" a certain way, I SOUND a certain way--there's a difference. I can TALK just fine--trust me, ask anyone who knows me. And secondly, I sound like this because that's the way God made me. I'm a little different, and I like myself just the way I am. I hope you have a nice day, sir, and God Bless you too."

The way I'm writing this sounds a lot snootier than it actually came out. I actually quite calm and mellow. I think he felt bad, and that wasn't my intention, I just wanted to make him think. It utterly surprised me that a fellow "different" person would say something like that to me. And he wasn't mentally retarded or slow with his mind. I thought about what I said before I said it, I don't want to degrade people back or be mean to them, because that's not nice either, I just wanted to get his attention, you know. Maybe next time he will think before he talks.

My voice has taught me to be kinder to people, to cut them some slack when it comes to the way that they are different. My voice has taught me compassion, in that everybody doesn't sound, look or act the same. My voice has taught me bravery--as in, I can't let it stop me. My voice has taught me courage--as in, the courage to stand up for myself. My voice has taught me the privilege of being a little different and more unique because of it. My voice has taught me to think before I speak. My outer voice has taught me that you don't need a loud voice to have a strong spirit!

And my voice has definitely made me stronger!

Sometimes when I interact with people and they say "what's wrong with your voice?" I simply say "nothing, I'm fine." or "I was just born this way." And sometimes, they'll say "Really?" No, not really, I'm just makin' stuff up! Yes, really! I really, really was born early and my vocal chords never got the proper chance to develop like yours did. That's it.

If they don't get the message, sometimes they'll keep going and say things like "Are you sure? Are you feeling okay?" That used to piss me off so much, but now, I just take a deep breath and calmly say, with a smile "I'm fine. Are you feeling okay?" Some people just don't get it, and some people never will, I know. But for the most part, I've realized that the MORE I ACCEPT my OWN voice, the more OTHERS accept it too.

My voice can be quite comical actually. Sometimes after people ask those questions (are you sick? what happened to you?) I've said "I was just born this way"--they get all nice on me. Like try and cover their tracks and say something like "oh, well, it's so sexy." Or "wow, it's so neat, it must be cool to always sound like that." Yeah, right! Actually, it is...but too late. It's nice they try and back track though, and I'm sure some people do care. Curiosity often gets the best of us, and I know I'm a very curious person! At least they attempt to cover their embarrassment; and maybe I have this voice just for that reason alone--to teach people to think before they speak. It's certainly a lesson I've had a hard time learning. (More so in my personal relationships, not so much in public--but that's another entry!)

I realize I'm hard to hear sometimes, and that is no one's fault, least of all mine. I do get tired of repeating myself or getting yelled at on the phone sometimes because the person on the other end just can't hear me.

I don't like having to "yell" which actually strains my voice further. I've had to learn to use my words and deal with my emotions, because I don't have the ability to just start screaming. That's both a blessing and a curse. Trying to make someone hear me on the other end of the phone, that is extremely frustrating. But, it's a fact of life for me.

I've finally reached a point where I'm starting to accept my voice. It is what it is. It is unique, it is part of what makes me "me". It doesn't define me, or stop me from doing what I want to do....well, except for being a best-selling, Grammy-Award winning Country Singer--that it did kind of stop me from doing. But that's okay because that wasn't my path this time and I really am so glad it wasn't!.

I have realized that my voice is not going to change, just like some people are not ever going to change. The only thing I can change is me. I have to have the RIGHT ATTITUDE about things, including my voice. If I don't let it bother me, other people don't seem as bothered by it.

If I accept it and play on it for its positive use--if I embrace my voice for the unique and wonderful voice that it is (hey, at least I HAVE a voice!), than that translates out into the world. The world, like life, gives you what you give it--and the less I hate my voice--the more I love it--the more I find others love it too.

People have said that it's sexy, unique, and "really cool". Sometimes, I run into people that I knew years ago and they remember me simply because of my "different" voice.

My voice is my signature--almost!

It is part of what makes me special. And the older I get, the more I like it. I DON'T sound like everyone else, and I'm glad I don't. My voice sometimes is a hindrance, but it can also be an asset.

I think learning to fully and truly accept my outer voice, and being open to the the lessons it is always teaching me (kindness, compassion, non-judgement of others, to turn the other cheek, etc, etc), is a part of my journey to becoming authentic. It's part of my growing up.

I can't change what others think about my voice, and I certainly can't change my voice. I don't think I would even if I could anyway. But I can change how I perceive it. I can change my outlook and focus on the positive things my voice has brought me.

My voice (both inner and outer) is my own. At some point, I need to stop apologizing for it, and embrace it head on. I need to let go completely of what others make think about it--because it really doesn't matter. Even if they think it's good and grand. And it's great when they do, by the way! But, this IS just how God made me. This voice is the path He chose for me. And God doesn't make mistakes.

I was meant to have this voice--to let it teach me (and others) so much, to let it be my signature.

Perhaps, not having the strongest outer voice, has made me even more aware of my inner voice!

When I can't depend on my outer voice (and there are days when it just won't come out!), I can always depend on my inner voice.

My inner voice will always lead the way for me......speaking louder and clearer than any outside voice ever could!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)