Learning so much: another eerily correct horoscope & other musings....

Wow! I was just digging through my main email address--the one I use to "sign up" for anything and everything, not my personal one. And I just found my horoscope for Sunday, June 27, 2010.

My mom and I got into a huge argument on Sunday night about a serious conflict in morality--she raised me with great morals and values, and sometimes, we have different ones--I have always a really strong internal moral compass--I'm not saying my morals have to be the same as yours, I just know what I personally believe in. Anyway, we got into a proverbial yelling match--which was so dumb and such a waste of energy and time--but none the less, there we were. I have this bad habit of always having to have the last word, it's not an attractive quality, but hey, no one's perfect. Anyway, as I logged onto my email this morning, I found my horoscope from Sunday--the VERY day that my mom and I had that BIG blowout! Here is what it said:

Sunday, Jun 27th, 2010 -- It's not your style to do something that goes against your principles. Even if your friends appeal to your common sense now, you'll just match their energy and push back as necessary. Unfortunately you may not be able to ease the tension today by just championing your truth. Instead, hold your ground by remaining true to your beliefs without trying to convince anyone else of your superiority.

Wow! That was just so spot on, again! I should mention that my mom and I RARELY fight, but when we do, LOOK OUT! We have fought more since I've been married than ever before (correlation, you think?), but the greatest thing about my mom and I is that at the end of each and every day--we have absolutely no doubt that we love, respect and appreciate one another--no matter what. I mean, we're two pigheaded, strong, stubborn women--there's BOUND to be conflict occasionally. We've made up now, thank goodness, and a lot of it is just learning to truly ACCEPT one another for who we are as individual women, not just as mother and daughter. It's tough sometimes, but I know that my mom is still, and will always remain, one of my Earthly Angels and I love her regardless of our differences!

My Nellie Marie wouldn't have anything to do with me yesterday, I think she's preparing me to be without her.

I'm coming to a place of acceptance about it, at times, it's hard, I have cried quite a bit about losing her in the two weeks since I've found out. But, it what it is. I'm learning to accept things as they are--most things, unless of course, they severely conflict with my morals and values. But, the truth of the matter is, Nellie has had a long and wonderful life! I have gotten the privilege of being her "mommy" for 16 years, and the joy and companionship and lovely happy moments we've shared will always make me smile! She is getting old and sick, and I can't let my baby suffer. (I know I probably said all this in previous entries, but it all bears repeating!) I will miss her terribly, but I am going to smile because I had, give great thanks to God for her, and trust in Him that He knows best and He will keep her resting peacefully beside Him. Nellie is so gosh darn gorgeous though, seeing her at the door waiting for me when I come, or curled up next to me (usually between my legs) when I wake up in the morning, or listening to her purr when I'm falling asleep at night--I will miss those rituals. But, life goes on, and the worst thing I can do is fight it. I must accept the seemingly unacceptable, because it is by doing that that I will receive grace and courage! I love you, Nellie, though, so very much, thanks for being my kitty-cat!

I'm also trying not to worry about things, or people for that matter.

I read something the other night that said "worrying is projecting a certain energy upon people, places and things. Worrying (needlessly) about them is actually not helping them, but rather harming them because you are actually sending out that negative, worrisome energy towards them."

Whoa--LIGHT BULB MOMENT, folks!

Okay, at first I thought "that's crap," but then when I really sat and thought about and meditated on it also--it's true.

So many times, worry doesn't get us anywhere at all. Or, the things we worried about never happen, so we just WASTED a whole lot of energy. OR, the things we worried about DO happen, but are much worse--we actually called that bad thing into existence by worrying so greatly about it.

It's hard not to worry but good Lord, it just FREES SO MUCH TIME when you don't!

I've also heard that worrying is like a rocking chair, it'll keep you busy, but it won't get you anywhere.

It's not that I don't care about people, I care deeply. I certainly could find plenty of things and people to worry about, but you know what? People will make their own choices, they will experience their own creations and GOD KNOWS THE PLAN! I can't change that plan or fix that plan and every single person has a different plan.

This doesn't mean I need to lye down and take a passive stance on things and people that important to me, I can pray, I can encourage, I can advise and I can LISTEN to them. But, that's about it. After I've done all that, I just need to LET GO & LET GOD!

So, that's it. I've moved beyond just trying to accept things as they are, and I'm now into ALSO not worrying about things the way they are. I want my life to be my own--and right now, the best way to do that is to live and let live--spend my time doing what I want, and need, to do--not wasting time and energy consumed with everyone else's problems.

God, I hope I don't sound heartless--I mean, again, I do care greatly. I pray all day for those I love, I sign petitions about causes that are important to me. I read and I listen (I'm getting better at it, thank God--literally).

I just don't want to waste precious time and energy worrying about stuff that I clearly cannot change. I think that's acceptance, rather than "does she give a crap at all?" I also think acceptance means I'm growing up.

Take a little detour with me, please: Honestly, I think at some point you realize you CAN'T change anything or anyone but yourself (as incredibly frustrating and infuriating as that is sometimes, WOW, I know!). I also feel that I'm learning and growing (spiritually and life-wise) so incredibly much this year that I almost can't keep up with myself. LOL!

I want to learn SO MUCH--not only do I have a DESIRE to be constantly learning, but also, I want to physically and emotionally learn so much--about spirituality, religion, my own personal beliefs, life, love, marriage, family, etc. It's just one of the reasons I DID sign myself up for Student Aid today, yep, I filled out the Federal Student Aid application and if I get any money for school, I'll go. If not, I won't. I'm leaving it up the Lord!

Anyhow, I know each and every year of life can be vastly different from the previous one, or the next one, especially in your 20s. But, I feel like I'm learning more (even if I'm learning the hard way--which I often am) at 26 than ever before.

The funny thing is, A LOT of this I ALREADY knew, and yes, I am quite wise for a person my age. But, I feel like I'm not just learning things, and I'm not just knowing things now, I'm LIVING things now. I'm learning things and then putting what I learn to use.

There's a big difference between the two, you know. Like learning a foreign language almost--you can learn it all you want, but if you don't use it, you lose it. It's true. So, a lot of stuff I already knew (some of which I knew way early on in my life) I lost because I didn't really use it. I wouldn't practiced what I preached. I took a detour from my beliefs. (Spiritual, personal, morals, etc.) So, now, I'm putting all of that into practice--or at least trying to!

I feel like I'm growing so much and just "getting" so many things that I'm like returning home to myself and building my new home along the way. Internally at least. Outwardly, I'm not doing much. I'll admit it. I kind of want to go back to school, but I kind of don't. I WANT to help the world and make a difference, but I know I can't do that 'till I'M squirt away. I want to do a lot of things, but I just feel that so far this year isn't about DOING for me (last year sure was) it's about LEARNING and BUILDING who I am, accepting who I was and deciding who I want to BE. That's pretty heavy stuff, I know, but it's SO cool!

Anyway, back to the worrying thing:

How much of our time is spent worrying and wondering and spinning ourselves into tivy about everyone else's stuff? It's kind of ridiculous. All I can do is all I can do, the rest, I'll let God take care of! When I think this way and live this way (walk the walk, you know, instead of just talk the talk--which admittedly, I fail at about once a week so far, but hey, one step at a time, folks!), there is such a sense of PEACE about it.

I've noticed if I stop fighting life, life will stop fighting me!

In fact, I found a quote similar to that by a guy named Aurthur R. and I'd like to share it with you:

"Love life and life will love you back"

Isn't that terrific and true?! I love that!

So, I'm going to love life--literally, LOVE LIFE--(I kind of always have). I'm sending THAT energy out into the world--loving, caring, compassionate, hopeful.....I'm sure if I do, I'll receive all of that in return, and even if I don't...well, I'm certainly not hurting anyone by sending love and light into the world!

I also found some other awesome quotes today that are truly inspiring and real, here they are:

"We either make ourselves miserable or happy--the amount of work is the same" (So true, I really need to remember this!)

"The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl." --Stephan Hoeller

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." --Helen Keller

Boy, do I know that one! LOL! I absolutely ADORE Helen Keller, she's always been one of my favorite, most inspirational people--even as a little girl, she was just an awesome human being who faced such great adversity with such character, strength and grace--I hope I do that! I HOPE!

Here's another thing, I said at the beginning of the year that I wanted a more spiritual life. And, while my spirituality is pretty evident lately, I've also gotten more secular religious. What?! You, Sarah? Religious? Shocking, I know.

But, it's true. I've been reading my Bible and going to church almost every Sunday! And I love it! I'm finding there's room for all of my beliefs and learning more about them all is kind of solidifying what I already believed.

I love going to my church because it's fun--I rock harder at church sometimes than I do at home. Seriously!There's a full band, skits, meditation time and of course, communion.

It's pretty cool, I've been trying to talk Colin into going with me, but so far, he hasn't. That's okay, if he never goes at all, that's fine. If he does, great!

I have never really liked church before, I always thought it was boring and repetitive and kind of a waste of time. Sorry, but I did. I think a lot of people feel that way, but I'm finding that I always feel better after I go to church, and I always learn something from it. At the very least, it gets me thinking, and we all know how much I love to do that! Even I don't agree with every word they're preaching about, it's always fun to ponder and always nice to "re-set" myself for the week ahead! I'm finding church is helping me deal with my personal relationships (can you say emphasis on forgiveness of others and forgiveness of thyself?), and driving home a lot of stuff I already knew, but it a very Earthly manner. It's really cool!

I don't know how long I'll want to keep going to church. I don't think going makes me a better Christian, a better person or anything like that. I fully support any one's choice NOT to go to church, it isn't for everyone. And to be honest, I often "find" God the most when I'm sitting alone in quiet solitude. BUT....a place to worship HIM with others that's fun and invigorating (most Sundays), why not?

I don't see myself becoming a full-fledged church goer who will close my mind to anything else. And I still consider myself much MORE SPIRITUAL than religious! I mean, my church family probably wouldn't like me posting about the validity of horoscopes and vibrational energy very much, but I don't care. I think I need to be authentic and real and honest. That's why I don't post a lot anymore, because if I am not going to be honest with my posts (AKA: I don't have the nerve to state how I really feel for ALL the world to see), than I'm not going to post at all.

That totally goes with my personality and who I've always been. My nickname in High School was "Sarah, tell me how you really feel, ******" And that's still true to this day! I need to be be tactful about it and show respect, of course. I need to stop and think BEFORE I speak (not always something I actually do) and realize that not every thing that comes to my mind needs to come out of my mouth. The world doesn't need to hear my opinion about everything, but when I do give it, I need to honestly give it.

My mother raised me right in that if I don't have anything NICE to say, than I won't say anything at all. But, I'm also grown up to know that if I don't have anything HONEST to say than I won't say anything at all. You know.

That's why my mom and I got into a fight the other night. I wasn't in the mood to patronize her, nor was I in the mood to be nice. My bad. But, I was going to tell her how I felt, be completely upfront about my beliefs, my morals and my values--and I really didn't care if she disagreed. I DO want my mom, and all my parents, and family & friends for that matter, to be PROUD of me. (I know my mom is!). But I'm at the point in my life where I'm no longer willing to turn my back on what I truthfully, soulfully believe in. I don't need to be a brat about it (like I was to my mom, sorry mom!) but, I also owe it to myself and the world to be honest.

I want to be a person of INTEGRITY. I can't do that if I don't stick to my principles.

Anyway, I did not mean for this post to turn into a novel, I guess I just wanted to write a lot! LOL! I'm glad I did. I had the urge to write this entry for the last couple days, I was just too tired and too lazy to do it. I'm glad I did it now.

I've been on vacation for a the last week or so and while it was truly wonderful, blissful and most of all, RESTFUL. (And I learned a lot!) I AM SO READY to go back to work! I love my job, and I'm incredibly blessed to have one! It'll be great to get back to the job that I love!

Thank You, Lord, for a truly fantastic vacation! For the time to rest, relax, think, write, talk to my best friends, learn a lot, go to church, hang out with some of my favorite people, for my Nellie Marie, for my time with her, for my beautiful long hair, for the ability to see and hear, for yummy plentiful food, for air-conditioning, for my parents, for my friends, for my family, for my faith!

Thank You, also, Lord for Your forgiveness, Your grace, Your patience and my many multiplying blessings! I am becoming stronger in me because I am stronger in You!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)