Tonight I Wanna Cry: the Painful Path to Learning Authenticity

I've never been the kind to ever let my
(negative, weak, self-loathing, unsure) feelings show
I thought that being strong meant never losing self-control
I'm just (not) drunk enough,
to let to go of my pain,
to hell with this pride,
let it fall like rain,
from eyes.....
Tonight....I wanna cry.
-Keith Urban (song)

Well, it's August. And so far, this August isn't turning out to be much better than last August. I've still got a house, a fabulous job, gorgeous hair and I'M not in the hospital--other than that, yeah, I think life pretty much just sucks right now.

It has literally been one thing after another after another lately. Since my last entry on July 7. I finally put Nellie down, and good Lord does it ever hurt.....I miss her terribly, I knew I would, but the depths of that is astounding.

This song by Keith Urban came to me tonight "Tonight I Wanna Cry," and it's just fitting--I did that tonight, I yelled and I cried...and I feel better now.

Not perfect, and I don't think anything is fixed, I don't even know how to fix it--it seems like every time I try, it just doesn't work. What I distest lately is that I feel completely inept to handle life. I'm strong and mature and wise and positive and all that, but all of that isn't getting me very far lately, I'm sorry, but it isn't. And I'm tired of being strong...I know in my heart I CAN endure ANYTHING--obviously, I just don't want to endure so much crap anymore.

I know that this is sounding very bad and negative and anyone who reads this might worry about, I'm not writing this for worry, I want prayers. I WILL BE OKAY, I know that, I always am. I'm already more okay than I was just a few hours ago. Really, I am. I am NOT going to take my own life or even run away--shit at this, at this point, shit would just follow me! LOL!

I've just always felt so wise and like I KNOW things, and I don't know very much as it turns out. So much has happened in the last 30 days, it's just beyond incredible.

How the hell I'm still standing, I do not know.

I would say God, and in my heart, I KNOW that's why, but I'm a little peeved with Him right now. I still love Him, I'm still abundantly grateful for every gift and blessing He's ever given me--and they're many, I know. But, I'm pissed, I really am, I wish He would go pick on someone else for a while.

I don't wish bad on anyone imp articular, every one's got it hard these days, I know that. My personal problems are really no more important, and no more spectacular than anyone Else's. But, seriously....between Colin having 2 seizures, being in the hospital for a week, out of work for almost 3 weeks, my mother literally breaking her face open on a cement wall, my car breaking down and having to send Nellie to heaven......I'm at my limit, folks! I'm a strong woman, but I'm still human and I can only take so much.

I miss my grandma, she's ALWAYS sick lately, and that's getting to me too. I'm glad she's alive still, but I'm scared that she won't be for long. And I can trust God in His plans with her, I know, and I do, truly, I just hope He doesn't call her home anytime soon too--Nellie going is enough.

I just feel lousy...

My job is going FANTASTIC, though! I'm kicking ass at it and it's actually my saving grace right now. It's absolutely awesome! I'm so happy there and it's really such a great place to work! I have the best bosses, the best job and the best customers in the world!

And I did get 16 full and beautiful years with Nellie, but right now, it feels like I've lost my best friend, my companion, my cuddle bug......she was my baby, and she will forever be. I was okay until she was actually dead....to see her go from living and lively talkative and all that to just...limp....unfortunately, it's not a sight I'll soon forget, and if I ever have another pet (which I will have someday, just not anytime soon), I will leave them there to be put down. Seeing her die was just too traumatic and awful, I'm glad I did it becuase it was the right thing for her, and I was there for her and loyal to her all the way to end--literally--but it was awful. Definitely one of the hardest things I've ever done, yes, my mom was right.

The house feels so empty and it's so quiet. I miss her. But, depsite all that, I do have a peace about it, she's no longer suffering. A few days before she died, I got this horrible pain in my kidney--which scared the shit out of me because I only have one--but, it dawned on me that it was sympathy pains and it was....the minute I left the vet's office, it was gone. My baby was in horrible pain, and thought I tried to deny it for a while, and I got a truly enjoyable 6 more weeks with her.....she was suffering and I feel peaceful that she isn't suffering anymore. I know she's in heaven, and I'm happy for her. She's the lucky one.

Again, I don't wanna go to heaven anytime soon, I really don't. Deep, deep, deep, deep down (and believe me, I'm having to dig deeper than I ever have before, trust me) I know that life WILL be good again, it IS what I make it and I still have a TEENY TINY BIT of hope...and thankfully, a teeny tiny bit is all you really need! Yay!

I just don't understand, you know, like I'm positive and grateful and things just keep happening. I survived 32 surgeries to live a crappy adult life, I'm sorry, but that's how I feel. I thought it was supposed to get better....and maybe it does....and it WILL again, eventually, I know...but I've had some serious shit the last few weeks and it's just freakin' getting to me.

I've always felt like I know a lot, like I can do a lot, and Lord knows (better than anyone) how strong I am. I just am tired of having to know so much and be so strong.

I'd really like a break. I know I have to be careful what I wish for, but I've really had enough. Clearly, I CAN handle whatever comes my way, I just don't like it all right now.

Even so, I'm still finding moments of happiness and laughter throughout my days. Today, it was episode of The Golden Girls, a girly movie and listening to Billy Dean on the way to work! That man could always make me smile! :) It was looking at the beautiful trees that lined the street I was driving down, it was the blue sky and pretty white fluffy clouds and the breeze in the air. And that fact that although it's still REALLY hot out, it's not unbearable and scorching anymore--thank God! July 2010 was literally the HOTTEST month in Vegas in HISTORY. And it was, I can totally vouch for that!

A few weeks ago, during the chaos of Colin's hospital stay, I danced around in my living room and bought myself a new beautiful shade of pale purple nail polish, which by the way, I got TONS of compliments on!!! Sweet! And I went to a friend's house to swim and just lounge around in her pool! That was great! She lives so far on the outskirts of Vegas that it was like a little vacation. I also went out to dinner with Sarah the other night--also so much fun, she always is, and got my hair cut on Saturday. So, I am doing nice little things for me, but I still literally feel like the world is shitting on me. If I don't do these nice things for myself, I'd be buried. Not literally, but you know what I mean.

It's nice that I'm learning to take care of myself, and not just my health. It's nice that I'm learning that it IS okay to break down, be angry, admit your limit and act like a human being. It's nice that through all of this I haven't missed one single minute of work an am even excelling at it! (Again, it's truly my saving grace right now, I go there to relax--even when I'm working my butt off, it still beats other things right now.)

It's nice that I'm learning how much stronger I really am and that it's important to take care of me, clearly, no one else is going to. I know I have to start thinking more positively again; after all, negativity only begets negativity--this I know.....

so, tomorrow's a new day! I'll get my car back, relax a little at home and go to work.

Colin finally goes back to work tomorrow, and I think that in and of itself will help things tremendously. Not only less worry over money (can't very well pay those bills without a job, now can we?), but the house to myself. He was gone for a week (at the hospital) but has since been home for TEN DAYS! I love my husband tremendously, I really do. It's been nice, actually, to have him here at home so much. BUT, I'm still a person (even under perfect conditions) who NEEDS my time alone. And although he did leave for an hour yesterday to run an errand, oh boy am I looking forward to having the house to myself tomorrow! It won't be for that long and I DO want him to come home. My mom's been home too!!! A lot. I love them both so much, couldn't do this crazy ass life without either one of them....but PLEASE...yes, give me some time alone!

I don't want to BE alone, I just want some TIME alone. That's all.

I feel better having written this, the Keith Urban song is still in my mind though because it's fitting for tonight, I'm not drunk, but I definitely making peace with my desire to just cry tonight.

It'll be better tomorrow, things always look different and better in the morning, again, my mother's right--she usually is. But, I'm glad I wrote this, I'm glad I cried tonight, I'm glad that I was honest enough with myself to sit and be with the not so best version of me. That takes courage. So, see, as it turns out, I'm not only strong, I'm courageous! Yay!

And like I said, tomorrow's a new & better, all together different day.....here's hoping for the best!

I've never been the kind to ever let my (negative, weak, self-loathing, unsure) feelings show
I thought that being strong meant never losing self-control
(I'm not drunk) to let to go of my pain,
to hell with this pride,
let it fall like rain,
from eyes.....

Tonight....I wanna cry.

Wouldn't you know someone posted this comment (below) right after the video on YouTube. It's so fitting, and it's what inspired me to come over here and actually write this entry. It's so true, I've heard it before, but for the first time today, I'm willing to listen...here it is, it's awesome:

Everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
-YouTube Comment on "Tonight I Wanna Cry" by Keith Urban

So that's that. One day at a time, sometimes, one hour at a time, accept things as they are and be willing to be real with myself. I don't always have to be the strong, bestest version of me, but I owe it to myself to be authentic. If I'm willing to stand in my pain, admit my limit, acknowledge my anger and just BE with it....not live IN it, but learn to be honest about it....that's growth right there. Actually, damn it, that's HUGE growth right there....THAT is how/when you learn to be authentic. It has NOTHING to do with being strong. Wow! I don't want become a negative, whoa--is--me, cry baby....but damn....I learned something huge today.....not only can hard times make you stronger.....they allow you become authentic and real. It's pretty hard to be a person of integrity out in the world if you don't have integrity within yourself. The truth may hurt, but apparently, it will set you free.....

and I definitely feel freerer...thanks Lord God, and mom....who, for the first time ever tonight...let me cry and yell and carry on and breakdown. And when I said "I don't need you to say anything, or apologize or even fix it. Just listen." She did. She didn't try and talk me out of it or say I couldn't do it. The only thing she said was that I can't give up, and I'm not going to do that--obviously, never. But, for the first time, she let me be a real, honest, immature, negative, pissy human being.....she didn't chastise me for it or judge me for it. That was HUGE for her. She accepted me as a PERSON tonight, not just the perfect version of her daughter that she likes. She accepted me as an ADULT who is struggling, and hell, if anyone knows about what it's like to struggle, it's my mother. She's incredibly, ferociously strong, I get a lot of my strength from her--true story. This was the first time in a long time though, that I've gotten to feel like the KID, instead of the parent. And now I'm crying happy tears....wow....that was a huge gift she gave me tonight and that alone is going to change the course of my life, and our relationship. Thanks, mom, for everything. I know you wanna fix it all, but believe me, you just fixed a lot.

WOW! She ran into a cement wall, literally, on Friday. She was all bloody and black and blue and had to have NINE sticthes in the bridge of her nose. She also had a meltdown about two weeks ago Sunday. That was hard.

All day yesterday I kept asking "when is it MY turn to breakdown and cry and play the victim?" and tonight, it was. I only needed to do it once, and as it turns out, all I wanted was the damn permission to do so. I needed to give that permission to and from myself, most of all. But, it was so nice to have it from my mother too....finally!

She's been a fantastically wonderful mother, the best I could've ever asked for--truly. She is and was and will remain one of the main reasons I'm still alive--seriously. But, it was rare that she ever let me be negative or feel sorry for myself. I think she did it tonight because she could see/sense that I truly needed it, and I did as it a fellow human being, not just as her daughter. That's important, and there is a difference between the two. We are mother and daughter, but we're still two individual human beings.

Anyway, last Friday, she was SO stubborn and would NOT go get those stitches in her nose that I KNEW she needed. And oy ve'.....between that and Colin and her own breakdown two weeks ago and my car...again, my goodness....

yeah, it was high time it finally hit me.

I feel better, and best of all, I no longer want to cry.

I am seeing the good and the nice and positive again....I may not always feel good and positive, but at least--once again--at least I have the courage to be honest about it now.

Thank You, Lord, again, for everything--growth, strength, character, hope, blessings, small blessings, big miracles, my mama, Colin, and 16 years with the wonderful, amazing, oh so cute & beautiful sassy, best ever, Nellie Marie! Rest in peace, baby, mommy so misses you, I love you!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz