Oops, missed a bit, but back on track....
Wow, I can't believe it's been over two weeks since I last wrote. Tonight, I want to write about many things, but unforunately, I have a date with my sweetie! Yesterday, we celebrated our one and a half year annivesary and it was GREAT fun! We celebrated the whole weekend, then today, Dylan came over and puked and I visited w/ JoJo & the girls! Anyhow, I will write more tomorrow! Nighty night!
Many Blessings,
SL
God'll Take Care of It....if you take responsibility for it to begin with!
You know, in the last few weeks I've seen nothing but depression, worry and heartache in lots of people in my life! I just simply REFUSE to go there, life is too short and too grand to do that. I just have this innnate positivity about me and while I HAVE been there; depressed to no end, lonley, hopeless, helpless and on the brink of ending it all (honestly, I have, more about that later), it's just NOT worth it! 48 hours...that's my new rule...whenever I get bad news, or can't seem to cope w/ something, I give myself 48 hours to feel bad, sad, mad, upset and depressed. I cry, I yell, I scream, I rant, I rave and I question. Then, I turn to God, give it up and LET IT GO! If you really think about it, God has ALWAYS taken care of EVERYTHING you need taken care of, even if it wasn't on YOUR time frame, and let's face it, as grand as God is, He RARELY does ANYTHING on OUR time frame when WE want it.
Anyhow....Most all of the poeple in my life seem to be worried about someone or omething and especially money. This isn't to say that I don't worry, I do. I've got bills to pay and debt to pay off and checks to make out. My car alone w/ the payment and insurance is $358 a month, not counting gas, rent, food, credit cards, cell phones, storage or anything else! I keep track of every dime I spend, and when I do that, I don't spend as much. Then I have to look at it everyday! LOL! Anyhow, despite the money problems, I just don't find myself worrying as much as I used to. Why? B/c I know in my heart of hearts that God can, will and DOES take care of us and every sinlge one of our needs when He sees it fit!
My mother has been in debt since she was well, about 21, and ever since then, especially my entire life, I've seen her struggle and struggle and struggle. Not just with money, but with men. I'm thinking of writing an essay about it. Mom and the Evil M's. My mother, God Bless her, is so out of touch with things sometimes it boggles my mind. I love her dearly, she is the sweetest, kindest, gentlest, generous and most loyal person ever! I KNOW that I would NOT under any circumstances be alive and writing today without her. But, over the last two years I've realized that my mom is a complainer. She didn't used to be, or maybe she was and I just didn't notice it. But, my mother continually bitches about men and money and the way they hold her back in life, yet she doesn't seem to do anything to change them. She's still hung up (going on ten years now) on Ricky, and she's STILL in debt. She keeps spending her money, racking up her credit cards and also, spending money on cigarettes (she says the $50 to quit is too much, yet the $140 a month she spends on cigarettes is fine-I'm not a mathmetician, but come on, that just doesn't make sense), and spending money on Ricky. God knows she has spent MORE than a lifetime worth of money on me so my problem isn't that she doesn't spend it on me. I'm an adult, I pay my own bills and even help her out when I can. But here's the thing; she gets on my ass about driving 5 miles to my boyfriend's house b/c I'm supposedly "using too much gas," yet SHE will go ALL the way to Mesquitte (90 miles East of LV) for lunch w/ Ricky AND take HIM ALL the way across town (about 45 miles) to get him anything he wants. What is that? 135 miles ONE way, but my going to Hugh's and back for 10 miles is too much? I don't think so! I know gas is expensive, it's over $2.50 a gallon, but don't you dare bitch at me for going 10 or 20 miles TOTAL when you go almost 140 for lunch and a Christopher Cross. Oh, and the Bellagio job Ricky has supposedly been promising for what almost a year now, STILL hasn't come! Mmm...if he has ALL this "juice," on the strip, why isn't HE working there? And also, hum, mother, what do you spend on HIM a month? I don't mind helping her out at all, I really don't. I should, I'm 21. But, for the love of God, get your head outta your butt and GET REAL!
"Money's never been a problem for me and Ricky," oh really now? Well, I guess the three months he lived her last year and did NOT pay one red cent of the rent, mmmm....anyhow, that's enough of this topic simply b/c it just makes my blood boil. On to the OTHER men in mom's life. Here's the thing, if they treat her like shit-she lay down and die for them, but if they're acutally nice and kind and real to her, she's outta there. She can't handle it. I don't really understand that one, but then again, the more I learn about my mom and the world, the more I don't understand. LOL! From boyfriend one when she was sixteen years old, Dennis...to Bo, to Joe, Jim & Ricky...ALL TOTAL FUCK UPS! They were ALL addicts of some sort at one time or another...Dennis a pot head, got my mom almost thrown in jail for that one...Bo recreational drugs, my father Joe, gambling and drugs and Jim, a complete A+ Alcaholic.
Now, let me make it completely and totally CLEAR that my father, Joe, is NOT presently doing ANYTHING but working his ass off for my three sisters and his wife. He is TOTALLY clean and sober and free of drugs, gambling and other compulsive behaviors. He's cleaned up! Thank God! Dad and I are getting really close and I'm looking so foward to seeing him in June to get to know him as an adult and see how much I look like him. I haven't seen him in two years, and of course, I can't wait to see my beautiful growing sisters! YAY!
But anyhow, the point is, at ONE time or another, my father Joe, my daddy Jim, and ALL the other men in mom's life have been addicts of some kind. I've been around some sort of substance abuse my whole life, and so has my mom. Now, here's the thing; Ricky is a complete pill addict and addicts are married to nothing but their drug of choice and WILL lie, steal, cheat and hussle to get it. Period. Known fact right? Well, apparently, my mother has NOT figured this out. One good thing though is that I have SEEN that, lived it and known it first hand so I won't make the same mistakes, and that, I guess, is a good thing...I think....
Anyhow, back to men and mom....
Last night, we go to dinner with her friend, Elliot. NOT a boyfriend, but a friend. ALL men practically fall at my mother's feet and love her to death. I think I have that same thing too. But, I digress. She's bitching on the way to dinner that she doesn't want to go out with him or sleep wtih him or anything. (Hum, mom, last time I checked men expect something after they pay for $100 dinner, let alone about five of them at t his point...FYI) Well, then WHY are we going to dinner and WHY are you asking me to come home with you (we took seperate cars) so you don't have to be alone w/ him? I'm tired of being a fucking scapegoat, sounding board and road block for her. She's almost 52 and she needs to take responsibility for her OWN actions, her OWN life and her OWN choices. They're not mine, they're hers. And since nothing's really changed in the way of money, or men, for like oh, about thirty years now, when IS it going to change?
I love my mother with all my heart, and God knows I'm not perfect either. I've been in abusive relationships before, I've been with addicts, and I've been dumped on quite a bit in my life. But, you know what? The difference is I'm not being dumped on or living with an addict today. I GOT IT-before I was 21....mainly cuz I saw it most of my whole life growing up and in my teen years.
I know it may seem like I'm judging my mom WAY too much, and maybe I am. I mean, and I am only 21 and there's ALOT of life and love stuff that I don't yet know. Everyone has faults, downfalls and things they just never quite straigten, myself included. I've made PLENTY of mistakes in my life, but I LEARN from them and I don't keep making the same ones (okay, maybe occasionally, but don't we all?). I really believe that nothing's failure if you learn something from it!
Anyhow, I don't care if my mom ever has another man again, I'd just like her to not have Ricky in her life and get outta debt. That's all. Those, and health, are my prayers and wishes for her every day of my life. I don't wish bad on Ricky, I don't want any harm to ever come to him, I don't think he is a dispicable perosn anymore, I just think he's NOT at all good for my mother, me or our lives......but....I hope and pray he gets my mom this job at the Bellagio and that she can get outta debt....but the fact is, even if she doesn't, MY LIFE WILL BE DIFFERENT, and it already is!
I don't want to be a victim, or in debt up to my ass when I'm 52, or even hell, 32! EVERYONE is in debt and two of my best friends just claimed bankruptcy! So I know what it's like. I'm a tiny bit in debt too, but I've figured out a way to wittle that down. Every time I have an extra $20 or so, put it towards my Capital One Credit Card. Yes, I HAVE to pay it $18.00 a month, every month, period. But, that doesn't mean I can't make extra payments along the way. Before I know it, it'll be paid off. Ingenious isn't it? I don't know why I didn't think of that before! LOL!
Anyhow, I KNOW in my heart that whatever it is, money, men, love, etc...GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF IT! If I just have the faith, hand it over, LET GO & LET GOD, all will be well! I WISH my mother could know that, there's such a peace that comes with it I can't even explain it!
I love my mother, with all my heart and soul, if I didn't, I wouldn't be fighting so hard for her happiness, health and well-being. She is a kind, generous, loving, compassionate and loyal soul. I would be absolutely dead, gone and LOST without her. She's saved my ass more times than I care to count, she's constantly there for me; teaching me, leading me, lending me a hand....she's still my best friend aside from Hugh. It's just, I've seen her unhappy for so long, and I'm tired of it. I think she is too. Wouldn't it be nice to get real and be happy! I think so!
Anyhow, Dylan's here so I gotta run, bye for now!
Many Blessings,
SL
