Out of High School 6 Years Today & Combatting Depression

Six years ago today I graduated High School! It was an awesome graduation in Reno, Nevada....at what was then The Reno Hilton (it's now the Grand Sierra Resort)....it was really special for me to be able to graduate on that stage in that building, because it's the exact same building where my mama carried me in her womb! How many people can say that?! I graduated High School in the same place where my mom was pregnant with me! Talk about coming full circle!

At the begining of the ceremony, we all came up from UNDER the STAGE.....and at the time, it was the stage was the second biggest on in the world! I, Sarah, graduated on the second biggest stage in the world!!! :) We came up from under the stage to the song "Space Oddysey 2001," and to this day, whenever I hear that song, I ALWAYS think of my graduation! At the end, all of us on the graduation committee (all nine of us) came on the wings of a life-size mock plane! Oh, that was so cool! All these normal height people, and then little ole' me...on the very end wing of the plane! SUCH FUN and SUCH a CELEBRATION! Two weeks before graduation, my counselor informed me that I didn't have enough credits to graduate so I took a lousy spelling course to make up the missing credits, and I did it! I searched for weeks for the perfect dress to wear under my silver cap n' gown! I finally decided on a very pretty, light yellow spring-y looking dress that still hangs in my closet! I still love that dress! I looked so pretty that day and so happy! And I was! Glad to be DONE with high School! I won't sit here and say I despised my last two years of High School, but I worked my butt off during them, and while I cherrish the experience, I wouldn't do it again! I walked out of High School six years ago today with 29 college credits...okay, so I've still not completed my degree, ce' la vie!

Anyhow, that day was great because I had my mom and grandma and Aunt and Uncle and my other grandma and Aunt and cousin and my best friend at the time! It was fun! A big luncheon with me at the end of the table! I thoroughly enjoyed it! At the time, I thought I would be off to regular college, possibly Belmont University in Nashville, TN...I did get accepted and even went to Nashville for my graduation trip, and while it was truly awesome to see the city I'd waited 11 years to see, I decided that going that far off to college, where I didn't know soul and had no one to look out for me and my health, just wasn't for me. There are times that I think about how different my life would be if I had gone, and sometimes, I wish I would have. But, most days, I'm so darn glad I didn't! I would not be where I am or who I'm with, if I had gone. I'd have never moved to Vegas, never had the amazing experiences I've had here in this town, and most of all, I probably wouldn't have ever met Colin! And I can't imagine my life without him! Sure, I probably would've settled down out in Nashville with a nice southern boy, but as much I love the south and as redneck as I am COMPARED to Colin, oh, I don't think I could've lived a truly southern life and been even half as happy as I am now! Probably not at all! I do wish I would've gone back to Reno and attended UNR or here UNLV, and lived in a dorm or something simliar, THAT I would do differently! But alas, life it what it is and honestly, I'm glad I came to Vegas when I did, experienced what I have here so far and am where I am! I really wouldn't trade it for the world! I really believe life puts you where you're supposed to be when you're supposed to be there! And my life has turned out pretty good!
Nine months from today, I'll be starting my honeymoon and that's very good! :) I'm excited about that! I really feel married already, I think both Colin and I do, but nine months from yesterday, we'll make it official and I'm SO excited...because, yes, once again....people, people that I love and adore will gather in OUR honor to celebrate US....and this time, I won't be alone at the head of that table! Well, I certainly wasn't alone back then, but I digress! My point is....once again, I'll look fabulous (even more beautiful than I did at 18 because I'll be a BRIDE, and NO bride looks crappy on her wedding day, no matter who she is), and so will Colin and we'll be ecstatically happy! Yay! It WILL be SO MUCH FUN! And I'm going to ENJOY that day, the SAME way I enjoyed my graduation day six years ago! I'm going to LIVE in the MOMENT on my wedding day and take it all! Or least, try like heck to do so!

So, here I sit, six years out of High School, out of work, but happily engaged! I've grown and done and learned so much since that day.....I have more than I ever thought I would and still, so much more to do! Life at this percise moment, although wonderful, is stressful, and I've had to fight my way up and out of some depression the last few days, but I did it! Thank God! And Colin! God for His grace, and Colin for patience and understanding and listening, actually, both God and Colin listen to me a lot! Seriously! Colin and I are trying to find a place to live, (our lease is up in August) I'm trying to find a job and there is SO much to do every day, that sometimes, I don't know where to begin. But I certainly don't want to waste my days...I want to be productive and happy and full! I want to make a difference and contibrute to this life! So, right now, I'm thinking about making my man a suprise dish and picking up my house AGAIN.....perhaps the urge to purge will hit me again....and by that I mean, throw more crap out that I don't need or use!

Anyway, this has been a great day so far, both today and 6 years ago...I wouldn't go back and I wouldn't fast foward. I would do 6/8/02 again, yes, but not the days leading up to it, nor that six years since then....nope, not ever again, thanks!
I think there's a real blessing in NOT having to live life over again, it makes you appreicate things more, at least it does for me! I'm content with where I am today; and as I always say--it may not be perfect, but it is so darn worth it! I may not be exactly where I want to be (job wise and money wise), but I'm sure as heck NOT where I was! And thank goodness for that!

Thank you Lord for this day, and every one before it and every one after it! I agree that waking up on this side of the dirt is a good day! That's what Paula Deen says in her Memoir "It Ain't All About the Cookin'," I read it over the weekend and it's really good! I appreciate her honesty and candidness, she shares things in that book that I would've never disclosed, but you know, you have to respect that honesty, it's a rare thing to find anymore! The book is a bit shocking and hard to digest at times, but she's a real, flawed human being, FAR from perfect, but ulimately, hard working and strong! I also read Sandra Lee's Memoir "Made from Scratch," this weekend...actually, I read it in one night....and wow, whole new respect for her too! Tough life that lady has had, made me grateful for my relatively easy one, or least it has been compared to hers. I was always loved, protected, fed, clothed,, housed, encouraged and supported! While reading Sandra Lee's book I was reminded of what my mama has always told me; that even on your worst day, there's always someone who has it one hundred times worse than you do; and even during my recent spell of depression, I STILL counted my blessings and thanked God for all He's given me!

By the way, depression totally sucks. I mean, it really and truly, totally sucks! It'll rob you of so much if you allow it to; if you don't actively stay on top of it and ahead of it; by taking the right medication(s), eating the right food and excerising. Not to sound like the Cymbalta commercial, but it's true...Depression can turn you into someone you don't know, don't like and can't stand. It can make your get up n' go attitude, go straight out the window. It can take from positive and strong to negative and weak. It can take from happy and hopeful, to angry, stoic and hopeless. It can make literally not want to get out of bed and make every chore seem enormous.

Sometimes, the world looks darker during depression and you just GO through the motions, literally. You do what you have to do, simply to get it done, but none of it is done with zest or enthusiasm!

I've noticed that when I'm depressed, the world actually looks darker, honestly, darker...and when I woke up today, I noticed the trees were a brighter shade of green, andTHAT means the depression is lifting, thank goodness!

I hate being depressed and I hate that there are times that all you can do is wait for your meds to kick in and lean on family and friends and pray to God they'll be understanding, empathetic and kind to you, even if you're not being so kind to them. Depression or not, kindness goes a long way and it's important to treat people with kindness, or at least try to.

It's hard for me to write this....I hate admitting that I have depression from time to time...notice I didn't say suffer...I don't like that word.....granted, I have SUFFERED in my life, from many things...one doesn't endure 32 surgeries and two parental divorces without some amount of suffering...but I still believe, that most days, suffering IS optional....like Naomi Judd says "pain is necessary, suffering is optional." Suffering makes it sound hopeless, helpless and out of one's control.

And yes, depression is a REAL disease and a real illness, I get that, but SUFFER from it, I do not! It comes and goes in waves...not so much peaks and valleys, but little waves. Sometimes, I'll go months and months without feeling any sort of depression at all, and sometimes, I'll have to actively fight it off....I can feel it coming on and I know the signs, for that, I'm grateful...at least I'm aware of it and know, most days, how to handle it!
And I will say this too: depression and anxiety can take a serious toll on a serious relationship/marriage. It takes an extremely STRONG and CONFIDANT, independent person to stand by someone through the bouts of anxiety and/or depression. It takes patience and hope and faith and grace. It also takes a lot of knowing who YOU are, indivisually, and making YOUR own happiness, aside from your partner. Sometimes, it takes emotionally seperating yourself from that partner for a while, not walking out on them or leaving, but not letting it suck you down too! It means doing what you can, what they'll alow you to do, and then letting go and letting God! I think watching your partner go through anxiety/depression is almost worse than going through ityourself....because if you're not careful, you too (on the receiving end of a loved ones anxiety/depression) can end up feeling so guilty, helpless and hopeless. You can feel amost responsible for it; it's begining and it's end. And that's absolutely horrible. The HURT that one can feel WATCHING someone they love and adore hurt is at times, excrushiating. Anxiety and depression are almost like a snowball; and since everything is energy--good or bad energy, and anxiety/depression are NOT good energy, it's contagiousness make perfect sense and is easy to understand. God Bless both Colin and I for dealing with each other's messes at times.

The more I read about mental illness, (anxiety and depression are mental illnesses), the more I'm convinced we ALL have one, in one form or the other, to some degree. That's probably not an accident, and there's times where I feel like country is just a bunch of winers and depression and mental illness is imposed upon us, thrown at us and encouraged. I really do believe that. Like it's almost HIP to be depressed now. And that is so not how it should be. Mental illness and depression, I believe, are real, but I still don't think they're as rampant as our society would like to believe they are. I think most people are honestly happy, and are fine with their lives until you tell them otherwise!
But, honestly, if you really look at it, each one of us is so intrinsicly messed up it's not even funny....but you know what, it sure makes for an interesting life and fun one at that! I'm not saying I'm categorically crazy, or that anyone with a mental illness is either, but....truly crazy people don't know they're crazy, they're not aware of their craziness...so, I figure, as long as I can admit to my faults, screw ups and craziness, than I'm fine! Right?! That's how it works, isn't it?

Seriously though, it is very hard for me to even ADMIT that, I, Sarah Liz, have depression sometimes. I've got SO MUCH in my life to be grateful for and I am! I've got SO MUCH to live for and SO MUCH LOVE in my life, it's beyond miraculous, really! But, LOTS of people have depression now and again and so I KNOW I'm not alone! The BEST part of coming OUT of depression is the feeling you get when you realize it's over for a while (hopefully) and you can re-join the active living again! That's awesome! And although it's very stressful on a marriage; it's also my saving grace! Honestly, since I've had Colin in my life, a partner, a live-in best friend; handling my depression has been so much easier. Because I know that HE knows that when I'm a total bitch to him, it's usually my depression talking. (Not necessarily an excuse, but an explanation) I know that HE knows that most days, he DOES make me very happy and that my depression is not about him at all. And I know that at the end of the day, he WILL love me and accept me and be there for me! And I know that most times, he's open to listening to me and talking through it with me. I've found when I'm in that dark place of depression, I have to maintain a balance; I can't pretend it's not there and ignore it all together, but I also can't focus on and dwell on it every minute of the day. So I try and strike a balance between acknowledging it, accepting it and then, ignoring it for little parts of time. Going out, being around people, taking a walk, eating a favorite food, watching my favorite sit coms and TALKING about it. That all helps a lot! I've also noticed that when I eat right and sleep enough, I'm not as depressed. And when I allow myself to get really bored and not meditate for weeks at a time, well, the depression worsens.

I don't want to make it sound like I have depression all the time ( I do take meds for it) but I also am done denying it. I hate admitting this, truly, I do. And I KNOW I'll get in bed tonight and have the urge to delete this entire entry...but I won't. Maybe it's becuase I am young and 24, but I DO care what people think of me, I DO care what my friends and family think of me. And I would NEVER ever want them to think that I'm a martyr, a victim or always negative. I would never ever want them to see me as a burden or weak. And I would never ever want them to see me as "the girl who used to be so upbeat, fun and optimistic." Never. I hope they'll always see me, even on my bad days, as a strong, determined, loyal and positive person, and they'll understand when the depression sometimes ATTEMPTS to wipe that away.....but I'll never let it over take me completely, I just won't. While I know that depression is NOT mind over matter or a character flaw or personal weakness, for me, in my heart, and even in my mind....it's just NOT who I am. It's not who I want to be or how I'll choose to live my life. I just won't. I'll do my best to combat the depression, stay up on it and beat it every single time! I owe it to myself, my partner/future husband, my family and my friends!

I know from expereince that if go around saying "I'm depressed, I'm depressed," well, than, that's EXACTLY what I'll be. I still think, that even in the throws of depression and mental illness (depression is my only one, by the way), that LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT!!! If you THINK and FEEL and SPEAK a certain way....sad, angry, hurt, depressed, happy, joyful, etc...than that's exactly what you are! I believe you are your thoughts, to an extent, and then, to an extent, we're still human! God didn't make us perfect and if there were never challenges, we'd never enjoy the greatness! So, to be honest, I actually feel better now that I've written this and shared it!

I hope I've helped someone, really I do, but even if I haven't, I've helped myself...and at the end of the day, that's the only person we can ever truly help, ourselves! I'll try and remember that!

And I'd like to say thanks to Paula Deen and Sandra Lee for sharing their stories, being so candidly honest and reminding me, once again, that there is always hope, there is always happiness if we choose it and that all of us, each and every day, are nothing but a sheer work in progress!!! I highly reccomend reading both of those ladies' memories, I think you'll really enjoy them! NOW, I'm really going, thank you Lord for this day and these thoughts, and EVERYTHING else you give me!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)
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Monday, June 02, 2008

We are all priceless!!!

There's a new game going around here on MySpace, called "How much are you worth?" and you know what, I think, no, I KNOW, each and every one of us is absolutely, positively PRICELESS!!!

The gifts of love, life and friendship, really and truly cannot be measured or counted out in dollars! Yes, I know it's just a game, but really, to me; we're all just priceless!!!
Thank God we're here, alive and breathing and helping each other along this crazy adventure called life!

I'm pretty stressed today and have a lot on my mind; job stuff, a new place to live, possibly (our lease is up soon), honeymoon planning (where oh where do we go?!) and house stuff, just kinda...well, very Sarah, actually...thinking I can and have to solve everything in ONE day...I really don't, but I digress.

Lord, please grant me the gift of Your grace and the patience and strength to ENJOY this day and see myself as You do! You've always given me a solid foundation of gratitude and even in the midst of mild stress and chaos, I still am truly grateful for each and every blessing You've given me! Thank you!

And Colin, babe, sorry for the attitude this morning, although I am entittled occasionally, as everyone is, it's sooo not about you, please know that, I promise! I love you! You know that!

Thank you Lord for Your forgiveness and my man's paitence with me, what a blessing they both are!

Happy June everyone!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Sunday, June 01, 2008
Lots of New Photos...
Okay, so I got into uploading photos today and figured that while I was here and in the mood, I'd upload a lot...most of them are vacation photos from our trip this past Memorial Day Weekend and our vacation LAST summer in July of 2007! I hope you enjoy them, please let me know what you think! Okay, I'm done ignoring Colin, and ready to sit down, pig out and watch a movie! Thank you Lord for these great pictures, the people in them and the eyesight to see them! Amazing experiences, I'm very blessed! Bye for now!
In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)


Saturday, May 31, 2008
Last Day of May :) June Already!!! :)
Wow, I can barely believe it's the last day of May today, it's one of my favorite months, but June should be great too! My mom's birthday is coming up, so that's cool! In a little over nine months, I'll be married, that's cool too! Colin and I had a great time on vacation in LA and saw the church we'll be married in, as well as sampled the food we'll be serving our guests (so yummy!) and hung out a lot with his mom and grandma! It was so much fun! We went to the Santa Monica Beach with his best friend and his fiancee' (they're newly engaged--congrats!) and saw a very moving Iraq Memorial, with it being Memorial Day weekend and all! Very touching, very sobering and yes, I teared up a bit, it made me proud and grateful to be an American, even if we do stupid things like send a generatoion of men and women to a stupid, senseless war; all of those brave folks didnt' die for me to sit here and outright badmouth my country; question it, fight for its betterment, absolutely, but not badmouth! God Bless America, that sight on the beach truly reminded me what Memorial Day is all about! Colin bought me a cute little black/white handbag purse, we met with his dad for breakfast on our way home and also, saw Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull--GREAT movie, I highly reccomend it, we enjoyed it thoroughly, and the best part was, we cuddled throughout the whole movie--sweet! :) Colin's lost some weight recently and is looking VERY good, very sexy man I have, always have, but now, wow, he looks amazing! Congrats babe! We had my mom over for dinner on Wednesday and that was nice, and let's see, today, I spent the day doing a few things around the house, organizing, laundry, and meeting my baby for lunch! It was a great day! This was a very Happy May and here's to an even happier June! :) Thank you Lord for everything; family, food, fun, safety, running water, my home, my car, and of course, my man! It all rocks! :)
In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)