Still Alive & Kickin'.....but wanting more privacy!

Damn, I've haven't posted here in like over a month, a month and five days to be exact. Astonishing. I've meant to, I've wanted to, I've even planned too; but then, living life gets in the way. Honestly, I am writing in a personal journal--I'm even HANDWRITING (gasp!) in a personal journal and sometimes, copying and pasting entries to myself in Microsoft Word. So I am keeping up with my life, I'm just not doing it in a public space. I think I just don't feel like putting my thoughts/opinions/life/events on display. I hope it's just a phase, but I feel like being quiet--at least when it comes to blogs. Perhaps that'll change, who knows, tomorrow when I'm home I could get the urge to come on here and suddenly fill you in on what's been happening in the last 5 weeks or so; maybe not. I do know this though, I'm learning how to live for the moment, IN the moment and be WITH the moment. I'm not so concerned with the past, or the future. Okay, sometimes I get a little worried or hestitant about it, but for the most part, I really am enjoying every day life. It's up and down, but that's life.

Right now, I feel like LIVING life, not just writing about it.

As much as I love writing, and need to do it actually to feel sane, sometimes, writing takes away from the present moment. And like I said, I'm into that lately. Granted, I sit here saying all of this and yet this morning when I was writing stuff out on paper, by hand, I came up with a lot of great ideas and personal revelations--so in that respect, writing is very helpful, useful, informative and natural to me. I can't go too long without writing without missing it too much.

I was writing my life story for a while too, but I've decided that right now is just not the time to do that.

I'm only 26, I have a lot more life to live and I want to gain more experience as a human being and as an adult.

Truth be told, writing my life story was also really bumming me out. I was writing about things that I'd forgotten about, or didn't realize had happened at all (mostly stories about my surgeries from my mother, when I was younger) and I decided that I don't want to deal with all of that right now. I don't want to re-live the past, drudge it up and re-think it and all that crap. I was starting to feel sorry for myself and I do NOT want to be THAT person. Because the truth is, I AM a positive person with a bright spirit (not my words, just what I've heard) and I don't EVER want to be the girl who whines and complains BECAUSE she went through x, y & z.

What I've been through is no worse than a lot of people out there, for some people, yes, but it has made me who I am and given me a wonderful life of love, strength and appreciation. And for that I'm very grateful. I just don't have it in me right now to re-live it.

I don't want to attach myself too greatly my "story". Granted, it's an incredible one, a downright miraculous one--and someday, I WILL share it in its entirety. But, not now. I want to 'write' more of my story figuratively--not so much literally. I want to do it at a time when it FEELS right and is going to lift me up; not bring me down.

So, that's why I stopped writing it, for now. It occurred to me that if writing my life story was totally bumming me out and getting me depressed, than obviously, this wasn't the time.

Gosh dang, I don't want to make it sound like I've had a bad life. Because, truly, I've had a very blessed and incredibly wonderful life, a life I sincerely would not trade and absolutely appreciate for all of the amazing things it's brought me....

But, I also can't deny (believe me, I tried) that some parts of it weren't so easy, they weren't so nice, and some of it was downright traumatic and suckey. I'm not unique in that, I just didn't feel like facing those things right now.

And also, truthfully, even though I'm very happy and busy--I have too many day-to-day things to deal with right now.

I'm re-prioritizing and one of my priorities is being more private.

I've always been an open book, and it's not that I want to become this "secretive" person, but I've given myself permission to be quiet about my life. To live it, and process it internally (okay, I've ALWAYS done that!) without the need to blab it to the world. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, I'm still working for the County and I love, love, love my job! I'm very blessed to have it and am enjoying taking on more responsibility with it! I've been there almost 5 months now! I adore the people I work with and have fantastic bosses. (And no, I'm not just saying that because I'm writing this in a public place, it's true!) Overall, I got the dream job and five months later, I still think it's very cool! :)

Colin and I are coming up on one year of marriage, hard to believe--but amazing none the less. In some ways, it feels like last week and that this year went by INCREDIBLY FAST! But, in other ways, it's like "it's only been ONE year, you've got to be kidding me?!" I still think everyday's an accomplishment and I'm very happy to be having the experience of marriage. I love my husband so very much, he is such a blessing and a teacher in my life!

What else?

Oh my mom and I have been up and down a lot lately too, we went out on Jan. 30th and had the most fun! We did the "Strip" thing, SUCH a blast! But, I'm not used to being so up and down with her and so it's kind of odd for me, and I don't like it. I love my mother dearly and I sincerely appreciate her so very much, but it's hard for me to function normally when we go days without speaking. I think it's because I can count on ONE hand the # of times that's happened in my life. Today, though, we went to see "Valentine's Day," such a cute movie! It was really great and a lot of fun--a perfect Valentines' Day movie (get it, ha ha?) and it had EVERYONE in it. Seriously! It was cool! We had fun!

I also got up early this morning (took a walk, meditated, got stuff done around the house, I was Miss Productive Sarah! Yay me!) and realized once again how much I love the mornings when I'm actually up for them! So, I've made a new goal of trying to go to bed earlier and get up earlier. That being said, it's not a promise, and I'm not going to beat myself up if that doesn't happen.

I'm taking things day by day--sometimes in our society, that's perceived as crazy, but I think it's genieus.

The truth is, we never know what's going to happen, we can plan and plan, and dream and dream; but the only thing we really have is NOW.

I think it's great to have goals, we should have goals, I sure do! I have dreams too! But ultimately, each day holds something new and different and I'm done beating myself up for my imperfections. I refuse to live in them, I'll just do better/try harder next time.

Everything's a teacher and there is always a lesson, and what I've learned so far at 26 is I am who I am.

If I want to change something, I can and I will; but I also need to be(and AM becoming more) accepting myself for me--flaws and all. I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel a lot more womanly and a big part of that is just being done beating myself up for imperfections--and that includes not being upset with myself when I don't meet my goals 110% every time I set them.

I'm not lazy or depressed, really, I'm just learning to go with the flow. And I'm proud of that.

I've been reading a lot lately and of course, writing too! But again, I just haven't been writing here. Working and keeping a house and being a wife and all the other things I do/have/am--all of which I greatly treasure & adore--tend to take up most of my time.

I want to write more often, I just don't have the need to open my life up right now.

Okay, in truth, I don't think anyone actually reads this here blog that I have. But just in case. I don't want to write about things that could come back to haunt me. I'm not being secretive, I'm just not sharing everything!

I am learning/starting/loving the idea of PRIVACY! (I don't even post as much on Facebook). As it turns out, I don't HAVE to share EVERY event, EVERY feeling and EVERY emotion with the world.

I don't have anything to hide, that's not what I'm saying, I just...I want to LIVE life, and write about it when I feel like it. I also to write about it in a more private way and blog once in a while--when the mood strikes.

So, if I don't post again for a while, you'll know why.

I do love this blog and I'm so incredibly glad I've kept it for 5+ years, I really am! But as long as I'm keeping a journal/record of some kind, it doesn't matter which avenue I choose to accomplish that with.

Most of all, I am glad for all of the lessons I'm learning, the spirituality I'm feeling lately, my family/friends, job, home, warm clothes/bed, running water, Nellie Marie, toilets, clothes, soap and every other single blessing that I have. I really do live like a Queen....I live meagley and on a budget--but I think I live like a Queen. I have so much to be thankful for! Thank you, Lord, for it ALL! It's all because of You!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)