My 2 Dad's: missing them both!

My 2 Dad’s
I sit here engaged to be married, I consider myself married without the paper and shared last name. Colin & I have been through a lot in our two plus years together that we've shared so far, and we really do feel married. Today, my 2nd set of parents, my mom and my step-dad, Jim, would've been married for 19 years. Yes, that's right, they're now divorced, and have been for 13 years, but if they were still married, my mama and Jim would've been married 19 years today--that's almost 2 decades. There's a sadness resonating from me today. And frustration and doubt. (Colin asked me this morning what was wrong, and here it is babe, this has been a hard day for me ever since mom & Jim divorced, and it might always be a difficutl day for me--who knows. But yes, despite the doubt about marriage itself, I still do want to get married, and my doubts are in marriage, nto in us, okay, Colin, please realize that!) Divorce is so darn prevalent these days, it seems like people get divorced just as fast as they get married, and life and marriage is tough, and for all sorts of different reasons, people divorce. I understand why, and I greatly understand NOT wanting to divorce, staying and working it out no matter what! That's what I want to do. Most definately! But I won't lie, I am scared of divorce. (Although I'd rather be married and divorced, having tried like hell, than never married at all, because I'd be missing out on something truly wonderful! And I don't plan on being divorced!) Sometimes, like today, I am afraid that Colin & I will succumb to the pressures of marriage and life. That we'll reach a point where we say "that's it, it's too much." I don't forsee that happening, but sometimes, it is tempting to just think "I don't need this," I think everyone in serious relationships think that as some point. Hopefully not often, and hopefully only once or twice throughout a lifetime, but still. It's tough out there. Truth be told though, I think it's a lot tougher WITHOUT someone. It's lot tougher to make unilateral decisions alone and have to account for solely yourself. It's a lot tougher NOT having someone to come home to, who has your back and who is your friend/partner at the end of every day, regardless of how much you may annoy them in the process! LOL! I think humans were meant to be together, marriage isn't for everyone, but it is for some, and though I'm not legally married yet, I enjoy my "married" life very much. It's so nice to not be alone , to have something concrete in life. Marriage is full of ups and downs, but it's also full of love and laughter and fun! It's nice to go to hell and back with somebody because it makes you stronger in a multitude of ways: indivusally and together, you become stronger--as a unit! And that's so great! My mom and dad, Joe, the father of my sisters, they divorced when I was three. I don't think that ever really bothered me because they were just entirely different people. I know that they did love each other at some point and I'm so darn glad they had me! Thank God! But, I know in my heart that that marriage wouldn't have been a happy one for either of them if had continued. And they both deserve happiness! Plus, I literally cannot imagine my life without my sisters, and my own mother I know wouldn't have had any more children after me, so I'm so darn glad that my biological parents divorced and that my dad (Joe) remarried. I'm so glad he found my step-mom, Kim, because the truth is, she's so much better for him than my own mother ever was! Nothing against my mom, I love her very much. But, I have the highest respect for Kim because she came along when my dad needed her most, and loved him completely and uncondtionally and has done so now for, well, 18 years. I'm beyond blessed to have Kim and my sisters in my life! And had my mom and dad stayed married, none of them would be here. So I'm eternally grateful that my dad (Joe) found love again and married Kim! She's been great for him and the fact that they went on and had two or three (two technically, but they raised three) more amazing, beautiful girls has honestly been one of my greatest blessings in this life! That fact that they were all healthy is the best part, and smart too! My dad makes really smart, really pretty girls, if I do so say myself! :) I'm so glad him and my mom are going to walk me down the aisle when I get married! I can't wait! :) But, back to my mom and Jim. For whatever reason, right or wrong, although my dad Joe & I did keep in contact and saw each other as much as we could while I was growing up; Jim was the one that was there daily. Jim was the one who raised me for, what, six years almost; got me up, got me dressed, cooked my meals and bonded with me face to face. And I consider myself blessed to have had that. I think it's fair becuase my 3 sisters grew up with my dad Joe, they know what it's like to be Daddy's Little Girls because of our dad. And I know what it's like to be Daddy's Little Girl too, on a daily basis, as a very young girl, becuase of Jim. And I so appreciate that. I know that my own dad, Joe, has always loved me, and appreciated me, missed me and been proud of me. Of that I have no doubt! But, sometimes, I miss Jim too! As an adult, I wish I now had TWO dads to go to. Sure, I have my own dad, Joe, whom I love & adore and miss more and more very day, serioulsy! But I wish I was still in contact with Jim. It doesn't so much bother me that my mom and Jim aren't married anymore, it bothers me that he desserted me when he decided to stop being my mom's husband. That's what bothers me. I know everything works out the way it's supposed to, and my life would be entirely different if mom and Jim were still married today. I wouldn't change the fact that they're not. I just, I wish I was one of those lucky enough to have two dads, you know. I don't think anyone grows up wanting 2 dads, most kids just want their own parents, but I had a lot of grandaprents, a mom and a step-mom I adored, so in my mind, why not two dads? If my own dad (Joe) is reading this he might be a little mad at me right now, or perhaps hurt. And I just want him to know that I love YOU dad, my missing Jim sometimes does not discredit YOU and YOUR immeasurable place in my life! Dad, I think of you every day and I sincerely wish we lived down the street from one another! I feel closer to you now than ever before! And I so wish things had been different back then and we'd seen more of each other, but I do not at all blame you, what so ever, for the fact that we didn't. I know you love me, I know you're busy, I know that I've always been and will always be, your daughter. And I'm so glad and grateful and blessed by that! I hope I'm not offending my own dad, God I hope not. And even if Jim were in my life today, I would STILL NOT be having him walk me down the aisle. My dad (Joe) deserves that. He helped create me, he helped shape me. And the specific ways that he's done those are not important. But, still. Sometimes, I get envious of my sisters, especially my little ones, because they had my dad (Joe) growing up. And now they're teenagers, and they still have him. Sure, he works a lot, but he's there for them, and he would've been there for me too I know it. I didn't have a dad in my house as a teenager, I didn't have that dad I could walk upstairs and talk to. I had my dad on the phone, yes, and I appreciated that very much. But I missed out on having that in-house father/daughter relationship. I think I got jipped. That's not to sound like a victim, but that's how I feel sometimes. But, well, there's no doubt that Jim leaving had an affect on my view of marriage/divorce. I know the Jim today isn't necessarily the Jim that I grew up with. The alcahol has taken over, crap, I don't even know if he's alive, I honestly do not. And I'm glad we're not in the same city, but it would be nice to have kept in touch with him after he and my mom divorced. It would be nice to have two dads to go to. But, you know, life happens the way it happens, and I really am grateful for the one dad I have. He's my original dad anyway and no other dad that ever came along could've/would've ever changed that. Jim did not in any way shape or form take away my dad, Joe. At least not in my mind. I remember mom and Jim driving me up to the Oregon Coast so that so that I could see my dad (Joe.) I think that makes it pretty evident that they themselves were not the culprits of me and my dad's (Joe) oaccasionally absent relationship...but I digress. Anyway, I don't wish mom and Jim were still married, but I am remembering what happend 19 years ago today. I am hurting over the way that it went down between them. I am influenced by their turn of events today. And I am missing BOTH of my dads a lot! Joe AND Jim!!! For a short period of time, I had two dads, and now, I have one. I'll take the one I've got with open arms and a heart full of love and accpetance, but I also won't apologize for missing that second dad of mine. It's almost like Jim died, when his marriage with my mother ended, so did we. And I have very fond memories of the two of us. And I was his little girl. I always was and still am my dad's (Joe) little girl, but well, I hope that my own dad can find it in his heart to forgive me for saying that, because I mean no harm or hurt by doing so. I think somewhere deep down my own dad is grateful that Jim was there for me when circumstances didn't allow him to be. I hope so, he should be. I would be an entirely different person without any of my parents, my mom or my two dad's, and for however long they were in my life, I am grateful for them every single day! The closer I get to my own marriage, the more I forgive myself for missing them all, and the more I realize that they're only human too. They're just people, who did the best that they could and loved me through it all. And if Jim is still alive, I hope he thinks of me occasionally and remembers me fondly. I hope his memories of me make him smile. And I hope that my own dad just knows that he means more and more to me every day and that I love him so very much! I don't regret a single thing in any of my parental relationships because it's all added to who we all are, and shaped our journey to this moment! So, I'm not sorry. But I am thinking of Jim today and marriage and I just wanted to be honest and say so! If you're parents are marrried, thank you lucky stars, and if they're not; well, count your blessings anyway. If you were/are lucky enough to have 2, 3 or even 4 parents in your life, now or then, than you shoudl consider yousrelf lucky too. I know I am quite lucky to have had such great dads in my life, even if one of them isn't here now. So here's to parents, and marriage, and the hard work it takes to make a marriage work, and the hard work it takes to endure a divorce! And to my Colin, thank you for choosing me to be your wife. Thank you for thinking enough of me and having enough faith in us to make a go of this and give it our best shot! I think we really will make it! I have faith in us, too, sweetheart, and I love you! We are angels to each other and we have found something truly magnificent here!

Thank you, Lord, for all of the experiences in my life! The people, the parents, the lessons, and especially all of the love! Please keep it coming and continue to bless it all!

In Light N' Love,

-Sarah Liz :)