I'm Still Here...

I'm still here! Life is changing constantly and moving at an incredible pace, I am busier than I have been in a long time. I'm still writing, I'm just not posting. Admittedly, I wish I was writing more, but since I am currently enrolled in a Creative Writing Class, my personal writing has not ceased to exist.

As you can tell from my previous entry, my grandma Elizabeth died on January 11th. I dealt with it better during the first week after her death than I am dealing with it right now. She prepared me for it, more than anyone, we knew it was coming and it is better this way because I know she is absolutely in a much better place. The best part is, she is no longer suffering, that brings me such comfort and peace because to be honest, I did not realize how much her being sick (with Alzheimer's and her physical ailments as well) bothered me. I knew I carried that weight around for a long, long time, but I did not realize how heavy that weight was until she passed on. That being said, I can be as logical and as spiritual about it as I want to be--and most days I am--but that does not change the fact that she is never coming back. My grandmother was one of my best friends, my spiritual mentor, my confidant and not a day goes by that I do not think of her, and miss her. Last night, I cried for an hour and all I could say was "I want my Grandma, I want my Grandma." That is normal though, and even though I grieved for her for a long time before she actually died, it is a NEW normal. It is a complete re-adjustment to life without her. It's still good, it's still beautiful and blessed and miraculous! I feel her presence with me all the time, and I know she is one of my Gaurdian Angels. That also gives me peace and comfort. But, the reality is, my life is forever altered and forever different. No matter how good or how bad (and it's pretty much all good) my life is from now on, my grandma is not there for me to pick up the phone to call. Her husband is, and I'm so grateful for that The time I was able to spend with him (and my mom and my Uncle) when I went up to Reno for Grandma's service meant a lot to me. I am tremendously grateful for all of my family and friends, that circle just got a little smaller, that's all. Out of everything I'm dealing with right now, the death of my grandma is one of the most difficult things I've ever faced. But, that does not mean I'm not facing it. I'm feeling what I need to feel, giving myself time to heal. Death is not a bad thing, it is a relief and release of pain--most of the time I find myself shedding tears of gratitude at the sheer awesomeness that I got to be her grandaughter. And I know the very best thing I can do now is live in a way that would make her proud, and enjoy each moment of my life as best I can. So, here's to you, Grandma, I love you and I miss you. Thank you for continuing to teach me about life and love, even after you've died.

In other news, I'm back in school! Taking that Creative Writing Class I talked about earlier AND Math 093--Pre-Algebra. Which, so far, I am totally understanding! Yay God! Sincerely, I am really "getting it" in math class so I'm very relieved. Like anything else, if I just apply myself, I know I can do it!

I was going to get a new car, but that deal didn't work out, so I've resigned myself to letting the new car and being okay with taking my old car back. The way I have to look at it is, at least I have a car! And I'm so grateful for that!

Work is going well, I'm working 3 or 4 days a week and when I'm there, I work as hard as I can! I'm so blessed to have a job, to have had a job for almost a year and a half now and I have the absolute best co-workers and bosses anyone could ever ask for, so all is well there! :)

The support from my family and friends that I have received lately is humbling and encouraging. There is so much going on, so much changing, but I'm handling it all quite well. I'm doing my best to roll with it and enjoy each day the best I can. Life is different, and it's not perfect, but it sure is worth it. I feel confidant in my decisions lately and making the best of every situation that I can. Despite my "down" days and moments of doubt, which I think we all have those.

I am taking a very interesting scientific based meditation class and I'm so looking forward to all that that entails!

On a side note, today was my original due date when my mother was pregnant with me. Obviously, I came 6 weeks earlier, and to the day! I'm glad my birthday's in December but February is such a beautiful month that having a birthday today would've been okay. I'm not a fan of the #6 though, and I never have been, so perhaps that's why. I just had so much to do in this life, and I really wanted to be here, obviously, so I guess I wanted an early start! Even to this day, I despise being late for anything! Go figure!

Anyway, I'm glad I came into the world when I did, but I also like to do something special for myself on this day, Feb. 6th. I've not decided yet what I'll do today, but I'm thinking the box of Girl Scout Carmel Delites that I polished off this morning, might count as my something nice for the day! I'm amazed I'm not nauceous, I normally don't/can't eat like that--LOL!

Anyway, I just wanted to post and give an update. It wasn't as quick of an update as I had planned, but it rarely is.

I hope everyone is fabulous 2011 so far! If I don't write again for a while, it's because I'm so darn busy and have so much going on! Not too much though, and I am taking time to rest and relax!

Thank You, Lord, for beautiful weather, a car to drive, a roof over my head, amazing family and friends and all the other blessings I have.

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)