He wouldn't change who I am & I have everything I need today!

He wouldn't change who I am & I have everything I need today!

"I have everything I need today."
That was a line from a recent article I read in Good Housekeeping magazine. I've not bought a magazine since late October, they used to be a huge indulgence of mine--now, I usually read them at the library. (And I always recyle them if they enter my home) But, when I was at the drug store today, waiting for my prescription to be filled, and browsing the magazine section, I found myself drawn to this particular issue. I knew there was something in there that I needed to see, needed to read and remember. The cover had headlines like "meals in minutes," and "recession proof your marriage." It sounded interesting. In the article about recession proofing one's marriage, the lady author wrote about the fact that in these uncertain times we must be truly grateful for what we have, even if we can't gaurantee that we'll have it tomorrow. She said that true gratitude comes from not forgetting the hard stuff or the stress; it doesn't come from disengaging from the difficult or the scary. It comes from realizing that right now, today, we truly do have everything we need. If we have a roof over our head, food in our belly and a loved one to share the journey with--no matter how great or hard that journey may be--than we truly do have everything we need today. As I write this, Colin is in the kitchen, I believe helping himself to seconds of the dinner we made together. I absolutely love cooking with my fiancee', it's one of my very favorite things to do with him and we don't do it nearly enough! We both love to cook and we're both quite good at it. Tonight, he made the pasta and I made the sauce--it all turned out so well and so delicious--what a team we are! I'm sitting here on the couch, 'Home Improvement' is on in the background and Colin has now joined me on the couch--wolfing down a big bowl of pasta! The truth is, I'm looking at my 33rd surgery. I've had a cyst on my ovary for a while now, and it doesn't seem to be going away. The pain has been horrible. I hate complaining, but really, the pain is bad. My OBGYN said I had two choices: I could either wait for it go away and take pain medication to better control the pain, or I could go in and have him take it out for me--as in surgically remove it. Or, I could wait for it to rupture and possibly endure greater pain than I'd care to reacquaint myself with. And it could rupture at any given moment; including my upcoming wedding day, and possibly even on my honeymoon. No thanks! I intend on having fun at my wedding and most definately on my honeymoon! :) I probably should just go in and get it over with. I mean, I've already had 32 surgeries, what's another one? I should quit being a big baby today and just be grateful for what I have. And I should know that women all across the globe deal with ovarian cysts all the time and these cysts can and often do go away on their own. But alas, I'm sitting here, pissed as HELL that this is happening so close to my wedding! I mean, really! Come on! I gave tether ball for my back (in 1994) and belly dancing for my other female problems (in 1999), there is NO way I'm giving up a happy, fun and HEALTHY wedding day/honeymoon experience--no way! Forget it! Plus, I really don't care to become dependent on pain medication. THAT I will NOT do. The possibility scares the crap out of me, and that is a road I just refuse to go down. So, I guess that leaves the option of surgery. But, God, so close to the wedding....geeze! Granted, it's not ON my wedding day, and I'm not on my honeymoon just yet....but....the idea of another surgery just does NOT appeal to me. (Although I don't think surgery ever appeals to anyone!) Contrary to popular belief, it does not get easier. And honestly, I'm scared that dealing with all of that surgical stuff again will conjur up old memories and old wounds that I don't care to rehatch. That part of my life is over, and I'm glad it is. I don't mind going to the doctor(s) on a regular basis, having my blood drawn every six months and getting chest x-rays every time I turn around. I can deal with all of that. But damn it, enough with the surgeries! I didn't plan on, and don't want, any more of them. But I also don't want the pain anymore. Ovarian cyst pain is awful, truly awful. Men out there, thank your lucky stars you'll never deal with this problem! Yes, there are literally millions out there who have it MUCH worse than I do. Yes, I'm fortunate it's not cancerous (thank God, truly, praise the Lord!), it's not the size of an orange and we caught it before it did rupture. (The cyst I mean!) And the truth is, I have the time and the means to have this surgery done, in time for my wedding/honeymoon at that. (Recovery time is 3 weeks). But, I just don't know...I know I need to seriously pray about this one. I'll let you know what I decide.

Anyway, also in the most recent issue of Good Housekeeping magazine was an article about "Date-nights" and how important they are to a marriage. I want to keep my marriage fresh and new; not all of the time, but I think setting up a good foundation for it is important! I think keeping some mystery about yourself and your partner is important also! Date night doesn't have mean actually going out and spending money. For us, we love to just spend the day in our room; and no, I'm not just talking about "that" kind of stuff that goes on in couples' bedrooms. We love locking our door, cuddling up and vegging out together watching trashy, funny, moving TV--depending on our mood. We might read the paper, talk a lot, or not at all. We just shut ourselves in there together and lock out the rest of the world--along with its stress, to-do lists, family obligations (love them dearly, but we need our own personal time too!), and potential depressing factors such as bills or any negative "what-if's". It's positively fantastic! Anyway, in the article about date night, I read that you should ask your spouse (or partner) what is one thing they would never change about you. So, I did.

I asked my Colin "what's one thing you would never change about me?" And you know what that sweetheart of mine said? "Who you are." Isn't that amazing! I mean, truly, amazing! For all my crap, faults, flaws and my own damn stubborness, my fiancee' said the one thing he wouldn't change about me is who I am. Wow. I was in awe, what a short, but incredibly sweet, thought-provoking, incredibly humbling answer. Who I am. He wouldn't change who I am. See, that right there, THAT'S why I'm marrying him. Not because he's perfect, or because I am (trust me, I'm far from it). Not because either one of us is particuarly easy. I'm marrying him because he loves me, for just who I am. That's why it makes sense that out of all of "our" songs, 'You're Still You,' by Josh Groban is always the first one that comes to mind. That song has followed us since the earliest days of our relationship, and it is above all others, is truly "our song," and the reasons why my loving fiancee' just summed up. When I least expect it, when I least ask for it, when I stop bantering with him with endless questions and nagging and chores and what not....when I just sit quietly and give him time to breathe and come to me with an answer (I ask A LOT of questions, I'm a curious girl!), he simply amazes me. He wouldn't change who I am, now that is love. I am truly blessed beyond meausre. And for the record, the one thing I'd never change about him are two things: how passionate and how loyal he is. I can't choose between the two, becuase for me, they go hand in hand. His passion and his loyalty are a great match, a lot like us! And I know that whatever decision I make about this ovarian cyst surgery, he will support me 110%, and he will be my side, every step of the way. Because he always has been and I know, he always will be--by my side. Just like I'll always be by his. And apparently, we really have, we really will, take one another in sickness and in health! (He did propose to me when I had a horrible bout of pnuemonia and was sicker than sick!). Thank you, my love, for making my entire day & night! For reminding of the important things in life, for putting me at ease and making me smile. For melting my heart and touching me in a way that only you can, my sweet fiancee'. And most of all, thank you for loving me, and accepting me, and all of me; the good, the bad and the ugly. And for your desire to not change who I am, but rather, enhance it. You are indeed a great part of my life, and I hope I'm a great part of yours. (I know I am!) I love you!

Thank you, Lord, for this incredibly sweet man, for this impending wedding and for the doctors who are willing to fix me up and make me good as new, should that be what I decide. Actually, what You should decide. I'll leave it in Your hands, and whatever Your decision, I'll listen, I'll do and I'll do it bravely; with Your love, guidance, strength and faith. Please watch over us all!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz

Health is Priceless, Blog-reading, Colin, Nellie, love & a few other things!

Okay, I'm Miss Positive right? Most of the time. Well, today, I don't feel like being ALL positive...yes, I'm abundantly blessed; yes, I have an endless list of things to be grateful for. But, I don't always feel like being "nice," and or "so positive." Truth is, I know in my heart that's probably why I don't feel so swell today, but seriously, struggling to freakin' breathe can make a brat out of anyone! I had to share a few things running through my mind right now--it's not all bad, I promise!

1.) Health is priceless. It is the most wonderful wealth in the world and without it, not much else in life means anything at all! The health of yourself, your significant other, your other loved ones; all imperative to a happy, relatively low-stress lifestyle!

2.) Not being able to breathe SUCKS! Struggling all night (last night) to breathe, sucks! Having to take breathing treatments to breathe normally today, sucks! At least I have the breathing treatments here at home and I'm not in some E.R., waiting in line with a bunch of other sick people, but still....not being able to breathe, sucks! Breathing is extremely important; everything else in life, kind of negotiable, breathing, not so much. And apparently, right now, my lungs haven't received this memo!

3.) To pass my non-working days, I read blogs! Some days, I'm so glad I don't have a job because that means I can't possibly lose one...and other days, I wish I had one so badly I can barely think straight about the situation. I know, me and a few million others! So many Americans out of work and more on the way, sad commentary, really. But, I mean, I'm looking at being a wife and wives today, we're supposed to work. Heck, some wives even earn more than their husbands, not my personal goal, but still. I feel like I'm such a grown up, such a woman, in every way but this one--working! There's only so much cleaning, organizing, wedding planning, errand running, house keeping, and taking care of a man one can do! So, although I don't find myself needing to "pass" time these days...as it's going pretty darn quickly in my world. On the rare occasion that I do need to pass the time, I like to read blogs. No, I LOVE reading blogs--it's one of my guilty, careless pleasures!

My favorite blogs are:

This about the reality of marriage, taking responsibility for your part in the quality of your marriage and laughing about it all, along the way! This woman is so honest, and I love that about her! As with all great blogs, she always makes me laugh, or think, or both!
http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/

This woman was seen on Oprah last year, her name is Kris Carr, author of the book, "Crazy, Sexy Cancer," she's kind of new-age and hippy. Can't say as I'm as far to the right as she is, but she's certainly interesting, entertaining, and also, unapologetic in her views! As a formerly sick person, I find her absolutely inspiring! Her way of life is unique and of course, she too always makes me laugh or think, or both!
http://crazysexycancer.blogspot.com/

4.) I also greatly enjoy reading FRIENDS' blogs, thoughts, posts, happenings and events! I like being connected, tuned in and aware! It's great! And friends are the best! So, please keep writing and posting, my friends!

5.) My Colin is the biggest pain in the butt at times; he's beyond stubborn, can be quite resistant to anything anyone has to say to him, and when he's sick, good Lord, watch out! He's a man after all, and I think most men are babies when they're sick...there's a reason it's women who carry the babies and push them out!

But Colin is also one of the very sweetest, most loyal, romantic, talkative and wonderful men I've ever met. He's an exposee' in strength and commitment. He's stylish and fun and a great traveler! He's also worth every single frustrated conversation and misunderstanding we may have. I may not always like what he's saying to me, but I always appreciate his honesty to say it! I love how open and honest we are with one another, and although it causes some frustration between us sometimes, I think our continued openness and honesty is really what will make our marriage last!

Did I mention that my Colin is also one of the very best things to ever happen to me? Because he is. He most definately is one of the greatest things to ever happen to me and one of my biggest blessings ever! And I'm so beyond excited about our wedding, I can hardly stand it! And I'm looking forward to being his actual wife! God Bless that man, truly, 'cause I can tell you all right now, being my husband will be no walk in the park! Sure, I'm wonderful and pretty and strong and stubborn too (we totally deserve each other!). And I'm worth it too! But, the most important thing is that we're in it for the long haul and when we take those vows, we'll mean them! We already do! And God Bless us everyone for that!

6.) I love & adore my cat! I've never considered myself an "animal-lover." I don't believe in their abuse and/or neglect because that's just wrong. How low of a human being does one have to be to abuse or neglect a helpless animal? That's just sick. But, I digress. I kind of consider myself one of those parents that love & adore their own kids, but aren't such a fan of other kids in general! I'm kind of like that! The thought of owning a dog terrifies me, I think they're about as much work as a kid, and I think I'd rather have the kid, plus I'm tiny, so the dog might actually end up walking me, (instead of me walking the dog), plus dogs shed way more than cats, and my cat sheds enough as it is. Colin says we're going to get a dog AFTER Nellie goes, and I'm sure we will, and perhaps I'll warm up to the idea. I think dogs are great and cute and I know they make wonderful companions, but, eh, me owning one--not so much. We'll see. But I hope and pray every single day that our Nellie doesn't go anywhere for a long, long, long, long, long, long time!

I've had that cat of mine (ours, now) for almost 15 years! I'm 25 years experienced and I've had the same cat for going on 15 years....that's 3/5 of my life, I've had Nellie more than/longer than I've not had her! And she is still so precious and cute and sweet! She is my baby, my little gray love, and my sweetie-pie!

She's a whiny, bratty, mean to everyone except me and her daddy & grandma, annoying, dog-like garbage disposal eating (not literally) always-hungry little furball, but she's our furball! And I wouldn't trad her for anything in the world! She is my heart! And I swear, I think I love her more and more every day! And lately, I find myself appreciating her more, cuddling n' snuggling with her more and loving her meows--even though they're incesant sometimes. Truth is, although she's not totally sick and is very much a young 15 year old cat. ( and I know cats can live well into their 20s) I don't know how much time Nellie has left. Well, none of us truly knows how much time any of us has left, but still. Anyway, she still uses her catbox, good girl, she still runs up and down the staircase, she still plays like a kitten and Lord knows she most definately makes her presence known around here! So, perhaps she has many, many years left. My point is, I love my cat so much! My Nellie Marie--she--be is one of the best things to ever happen to me; just like her daddy--that'd be Colin! And for the record, Colin is a great daddy to Nellie! He's loving and affectionate and sweet, and seeing the way he treats her (he is a huge animal lover!) just melts my heart! It makes me realize I'm indeed making the right choice in marrying him! And to his credit, he's taken on Nellie like he was here with us all along! I love being Nellie's mommy, and I love watching Colin be her daddy!

I know, I know...NOTHING like real human children, actually, not even comparable really, but still. For the moment, we're quite happy n' content with the fur-baby we have. We love her so much! Our Nellie with her white tummy, white-ended paws and most beautiful face is definately a light in our lives! The real human children will perhaps come later, but for now, one thing at a time!

7.) I believe in love! The love of marriage and almost marriage! The love of family and friends and extended loved ones! The love of God and life and even the love of self! Well, enough love of yourself to truly believe you're worth something, not total outright, self-absortion, "I'm the center of the world," type of self-love! But I digress! Love is truly what makes the world go 'round, and in these troubled economic times...money has become our downfall (gee, big surprise there!), and it's love that I believe will lift us back up! I truly do! Despite the craziness and even the desperation, I truly believe that love can make this life a whole lot easier and a lot more meaningful!

8.) No, I'm not high off my breathing machine medication--it's not that kind of medication! LOL! These were just some things that were going through my head!

9.) I don't like the number 8, I'm superstitous about it. Some people don't like the number 13, perosnally, I'm not a fan of 8. So, just thought I'd mention that, now you know something about me that you (maybe) didn't know before! That being said, I wasn't leaving this post with 8 things, and besides, 9 really is one of my favorite numbers anyway!

Happy Tuesday to us all, and thank You for it all, Lord! Please let me feel better, please make Colin all better and please watch over our beloved family & friends and loved ones! Please bless them as You have blessed us! Please keep us all together for a long, long, long time to come! And please give me the strength (literally) to actually get to the Doctor(s) today and tomorrow! Thank you for this life, the lessons that can only come from being sick, and overall health that is beyond precious and life-preserving!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz