Last Hour of 2010 in Pacific Standard Time...Going through my "Feel Good File"!

I wasn't going to write again this year--literally. I was going to go in my room and quietly ring in the New Year! Graciously ring it in, of course, but not write again. And then I decided to go through my Hope Chest at the end of my bed. I got the "chest" when I was seven years old, back then, it was a Toy Box, that I think someone made for me, but I'm not sure. Anyway, twenty years later, as an adult, it is my Hope Chest. I don't own anything uber expensive, but I am a sentimal kind of person. I'm sensitive, I feel things so deeply--and so intrinsicly--all of it, good and bad and in between. So, when I was feeling down today (Yes, I'm fighting depression) I decided to go through all of my Birthday and Christmas Cards I got this year. When I gathered them all up, put them in a ziplock baggie (my Card Storage System, for some reaeson) and went to put them in my Hope Chest, I suddenly saw all of my other cards from years past. So, I got them out. I sat on my bedroom floor and went through the last five years of Birthday and Christmas Cards--and I was humbled. I found cards from nearly everyone who's been anyone in my life over the last five years and I was truly touched. To be honest, some people did totally miss my birthday this year,(not everyone, a lot of people acknowledged it, but some did not--again, not that anyone owed me a nice birthday, just saying, it was a first that some people totally forogt about it that's all) and to be even more honest, that did sort of hurt my feelings. I know it's NOT personal--it's a busy time of year, people are strapped for cash, and I get that. But, it was just hard. Anyway, as I was reading the cards and such from the last five years it reminded me of how loved I really am. It reminded that people DO care about me, that they DO love me and admire me. That I DO inspire them. (That's what I really want, to inspire people, to help them. They sure help me.) Sometimes, I forget that. Sometimes, I get so caught up in what's wrong with the world, and what's difficult in my life, that I easily forget that people do care. The other night, I posted something sort of negative on Facebook (I did NOT badmouth anyone and I wasn't totally bummed) and I got all sorts of responses about how I should be positive and focus on my gifts in my life--and I don't mean the THINGS in it. I was totally offended because: first off, I'm HUMAN. I'm entitled to have down days and I have a right to being human, not always so perky and positive. Secondly, I am a lot of things, but un-grateful is NOT one of them. Even in my darkest moments, in the depth of depression--I am still abundantly, overhwelmingly grateful for ALL that I have. At ANY given moment, I can honestly name ten to twenty things I am grateful for right then and there--and it's not always the same things. I'm grateful for little things and big things and all the things in between. And just because I have a bad day, or am struggling with something--does not mean I'm no longer grateful for all that I have. I KNOW how blessed I am, I KNOW how tremendous my life is. I KNOW how strong I am. But, I'm also human, and at 27, in the week since I've been this age--I no longer care to pretend that I'm perfect. I no longer care to be someone other than who I really am--a spiritual being having a human experience. I'm growing, I'm changing--yes, I want to change for the better. But plasting a smile on my face when I'm clearly NOT okay is not going to serve me in the long run. I can try my best to be happy, continue to learn the lessons that life is trying to teach me, strengthen both my spirit and my faith--and continue to show gratitude for all that I have. And I WANT to do all of that, I really do. But, I can't be happy and positive and perky all the time. At the end of the day, yes, that is totally who I am. But I need to give myself the freedom to be real. In the last year, I have focused on honesty. If I haven't shared something here, it's because I didn't want to share it, not because I felt like lying about it. I don't want to be a negative, cruchety person who no one wants to be around, and I want to continue to inspire people and remind them of the greatness of life--because life is great. But, it's also hard, and I also want to be real. It used to be that my optimism alienated me from some people, and now, my honesty seems to be alieanating me from some people--quite weird, if you asked me. The point is--all I want is the freedom to be who I am--whoever that is, at any given moment. Everyone else complains so damn much about EVERYTHING, so why am I not allowed to do the same sometimes? What's good for the goose is good for the gander and I want to be gander for once--just once, that's all I ask! LOL! Anyway, I wasn't planning on spending the last night of 2010 remicnising, but I am so darn glad I did. All those cards and such from beloved friends and family--most of whom, thankfully, are still alive & in my life today--reminded me of just how positive I can be. Just how positive I want to be. They reminded me, again, how much I contribute to the world and what a difference I have made in peoples' lives. (Kind of like the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" kind of thing--that's what I experienced tonight, and it is truly, a WONDERFUL life, indeed!) I'm not saying this to gloat or pat myself on the back--it's just something that I needed to be reminded of. I was feeling down, I was depressed, I was feeling like no one cared at all--and by going through my Hope Chest, and getting all sentimental--I was reminded that YES, I AM GOOD and I AM WORTHY. I was not at all thinking about running away or ending my life, THAT I would NEVER, EVER, EVER do. But, you know, we're all human--we all have bad days, we all have moments when life just gets to be too much--and it's percisely at those moments that we need those special reminders from peopel who care! I'm glad I have those--the reminders and especially the people! It's nice to know you're cared about, and thought about, and loved and admired. Moments like this are exactly why I keep such things--cards and letters and so on. I keep the sentimental stuff for when I'm feeling down--my "feel good" file as an author friend of mine likes to call it. And we all need a "feel good" file. Not that we need others to sustain us, but sometimes, we do need them to remind us. I'm so glad I was reminded tonight. I'm so glad I can ring in the New Year with a better attitude. I don't want to be all depressed, but sometimes, we just are. I can't wait for the New Year--less than an hour away! Awesome! I can't believe it's almost 2011, but thank God it is! I DO know, even through the depression I feel sometimes, that life IS what I make it. (I even said that in the previous entry on here). Even through tough times, I KNOW good and well that what I send out into the universe, I will get back--tenfold! Shoot, I gave scarves for Christmas gifts this year, and I endd up receiving three of them as Christmas gifts this year--see what I mean--what goes around comes around, literally. I know, have seen and totally believe in reaping what you sew--and I totally believe in Karma! I want my karma to be lovely and enjoyable! I want to build good karma--and I certainly don't want my Karma to be a bitch--not at all! LOL! Anyway, I hope 2011 brings me less tears, more fun, more joy and above all, PEACE! I think 2010 was all about acceptance, and I think 2011 will be all about peace. I'm not saying I won't have to struggle to find it, but that is what I really want--PEACE! Peace within myself, peace within my relationships, peace within my heart. I have felt it many times throughout 2010, and hope to feel it even more in 2011!!! And most of all, I hope you all feel it too--I think that's what we all want, the peace and love of friends and family and faith and God! So, thank You, Lord, for making me just as You did--a little bit different. For making me a peace-seeking, family loving, grateful, faithful, strong and steady Person who NEVER doubts that her deepest identity comes from You! Thank you for a renewed sense of spirit, strength and optimisim, in the New Year! Here's to a fantastic 2011 and a continued kinship wtih You, family and life itself! Let's make it great! Happy New Year!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Last Day of 2010!!

It's officially the LAST day of 2010 today, and I am SO GLAD for that!

You know, if I'd have been smart and saved up for tonight, I could've gotten a hotel room in the famous city that I live in, but alas, here I am at home--celebrating quietly, as I tend to do every New Year's Eve.

Perhaps one of these New Year's Eve I'll go out and party and do it up right--but honestly, it scares me. Too many people, too much noise, too many drunks--I'd rather stay home and stay alive than go out and get smashed with a bunch of others also getting smashed, and then possibly risk my life trying to find my way home.

Sorry to sound all "Debbie Downer,"-ish, but it's also true.

I'd like to sit and write about how great this year has been, but it hasn't. It hasn't been awful, but it hasn't been great. 2010 will go down, for me, as one of the most difficult years of my life. Any way I slice it, even with ALL of the abundant miracles and every day blessings I was given, it was just a tough year. Let's call it like it is.

Now I have to process and let go of all the bad, keep all the good and keep thanking God for all of the tremendous ways He gifted me this year. Because He has. I want to continue to pass these "tests" with flying colors!

2010 was definitely a life-changing year that I won't ever forget....

But, rather than look back, I want to look FORWARD....

to a bigger, better, brighter year! To new beginnings and the premise of peace that is upon us!

It's like Tessa and I said today , at the same time too, "Sianara 2010, don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out!"

And that's honestly how I feel!

I was blessed this year, by so much, I spent time with those I love, I learned a lot. I enjoyed many parts of it.

But, I can't wait for 2011 to get here--it's going to be happier, fuller, richer, and a heck of a lot more peaceful! I know a lot of that is entirely up to me, but as God is my witness, 2011 WILL BE BETTER!

It has to be.....I know things could always be worse, but you know what, they could also get better. I believe in the better--I believe in hope and faith and love!

So, that's what I'm entering 2011 with--lots of hope, lots of faith and lots of love.

Because it ain't about what happened last year, it's about what's coming up.....and most of all, it's about right here and right now--it's cold outside but I have a warm home. I'm having a fantastic hair day, I'm reading some great books. I have a 4 day weekend (3 days of it left). I have my health and I have hot showers and electricity. Most of all, I have family. And friends, really, really amazing friends! So......

Goodbye 2011 and HELLO 2011--here's to an easier time for us ALL, more smiles, more laughter, more growth, more love and above all, more peace!

I wish each of you and yours a healthy, prosperous and PEACEFUL NEW YEAR!

Remember, "Peace begins within, and peace begins with me".....

Thank you, Lord, for knowing just when we've had enough and blessing us with the ushering in of new beginnings--You are awesome!

Happy New Year!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)