HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA! I'm On My Way....

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday Dearest Mama, Happy Birthday to you! My mom is 52 today, looks 35 and is still SOOOOOO totally awesome! I baked her a double decker triple chocolate cake, got her a massage, three carnation flowers, two heartfelt beautiful cards and a bunch of balloons! I hope she had a great birthday and enjoyed everything I did for her as much I enjoyed giving it to her! :)

I got an email from a woman who's now a good friend of mine, but used to be a Nurse of mine, I wrote her back and I just HAD to share it with you all.....

I'm leaving for my trip tomorrow so here is the last post for a while! I'm nervous, excited, scared, elated, happy and missing my mom, cat and bed already! I'll have a GREAT time though and absence makes the heart grow fonder/stronger! :)

Wish me luck, keep me and my safety and health in your prayers!

Many Blessings,
SL

My Dearest Claudia,

This is REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LONG, but I just had to share it ALL….so read it in bits, read in ONE LONG HOUR, or however you wish, just please, read it, as I know you will…..

First off……

Wow, I don't even have any words for the beyond amazing words you have just written me. All I can say is that I am touched, flattered, enamored and exsuberantly ELATED with this letter! Thank you from the absolute bottom of my heart for these words. This might just be the nicest, most sincere and kindest letter I've ever received in my life, and I thank you for it. This is going in my "bad day, life sucks," box. I have a box of letters and cards from family and friends that I keep, some bday cards, some letters, some pictures.....REALLY special cards and letters that I pull out and read when I'm having a really bad day. I read them, and the kind words of everyone (especially you) and am reminded once again of how incredibly blessed and lucky I am to be here, alive and well, and so loved. I often don't feel worthy of all this love and admiration I receive, but I am without a doubt grateful for it......I'm printing this letter out and am giong to carry it with me on my trip, thanks again for the outpouring of love and affection, it's so greatly appreciated! I cannot express what your friendship, loyalty and encouragement mean to me, thank you.

I will definitely pray for you and your family as you head to Disneyland. I hope you have SO much fun! The last time I was there was in 2000 and it was a total BLAST! SO COOL! I will pray for your safety, health and fun….as you and yours are ALWAYS in my thoughts, heart and above all, my prayers!!!

God works in mysterious ways doesn’t He Claudia? I mean, look at us: you took care of me when I was on the brink of death, fighting for life itself……and now you’re still taking care of me- woman to woman; as friends and completely appreciative of eachother. Who’d a thought WAY back in the late 80s that I’d be here today- living, loving, surviving, healthy and happy and STILL in touch with people who saved my life many times! Life really is a miracle!

I never truly understood what she went through as a normal parent, and I still don’t understand what it must’ve been like to watch her daughter suffer and suffer and suffer. I think it was probably harder for her than it was me at times. I mean, at least I had the drugs and surgery to escape it all, she didn’t. Even to this day, she worries herself sick about me- always checking on me and asking me a million questions…..all moms do that, but especially mine. She made me promise yesterday to come back from this trip. I said “mama, I know I will. I’m NOT invincible, and I know anything could happen to anyone at any time. But come on mom, hello! Look at what we’ve already been through. This trip is NOT the end of me, in fact, it’s JUST the beginning of my adult hood. I will come back, and I will miss you like crazy. I miss you already and I’m no even gone. Heck, I hardly ever see you as it is…..” She smiled and cried and hugged me hard. What a loving, generous, loyal soul she is Claudia. So amazing and kind, and STRONG! I know I get my strength and love of life from her, I just know it!

Today, June 16th, she turns 52, and is having a REALLY difficult time with life. Please, pray for her also, her health, her sanity, her strength, which I know she has.......She is totally having her midlife crisis and continue to.... I have to remind myself that without Linda, I would absolutely be dead and gone. I completely owe my life to my mother, and God. And even though they BOTH aren’t always fair, they are always THERE and I would not have it any other way!


My mother is struggling deeply with finances, Ricky, and of course, me going on this trip and becoming more and more adult with each passing day. It hurts me, but I have to worry about myself too…….although I’m SURE that’s got to be tough, I’m not a mother, but I do love and adore my own three little sisters more than life itself, truly, they are the light and joys and pride of my life…..and even for me, realizing they’re growing up and are now not little babies-it’s hard for me, and I’m not even the mom.

I can’t imagine what it must be like for my own mother, and for all mothers EVERYWHERE (including you with your daughter right now) to let go. It’s so hard, but so invigorating and self defining isn’t it?

When you look at that young adult and realize that YOU have helped bring them to this point; they’re mature, responsible, alive, healthy, well and above all, full of love and hope and dreams. That’s gotta be the greatest part of being a parent, and also the hardest.

I once heard somewhere that “at some point stop being responsible for the choices your children make.” I think that’s true for kids too, b/c as I realize now, parents are people too, they’re not perfect, they do the BEST they can….and while we come FROM our parents, we are NOT our parents. We are our own people, and our parents are THEIR own people so the choices, mistakes and victories we make as parents, children and human beings are not each other’s-they’re our own. I came up with a quote the other day, you might like it….

"We are not our mistakes; we are the lessons we have learned and the experiences we have had; therefore, WE ARE OUR VICTORIES!!!-Sarah Liz Doan

By the way, my other quote is:
"Miracles happen everyday regardless of past circumstances or expected outcomes."

My favorite song is "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. It's so simple and so true....it's my signature on my emails....I sum my life up by saying this...
"I could've missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance," and I wouldn't miss that for the world! The dance being the fun, blessed, loving times!

I think I was kept here to write, I think it's my gift, I still wish so much I was given the gift of voice, now I realize, I was....a voice through words. That's MY voice and my purpose! I think that's why I survived, to share my story, strength, weaknesses, trials, etc....I'm so glad you noticed it too!!!! :)

Anyway....

The biggest thing I’m realizing now is the complete and total LACK of responsibility MOST people take with their lives. I’ve done it too, but the other day, my mom finally told me that I’m responsible. I think taking care of kids for six months does that to you. It forces you to grow up, to think outside yourself, to think about someone and everything else BUT yourself. I’ve never been forced to do that before I babysat kids, and I now I know how. Okay, I still don’t like it most of the time, and I know of my biggest faults is my selfishness, impatience and bossiness….BUT……

I think being sick makes one extremely compassionate and selfish…it’s ALL about YOU when you’re sick….you’re needs, your desires, your getting well, your happiness…..and to be honest Claudia, I miss that aspect of my previous hospital life. I got really used to it, but as an adult, it’s SO NOT about me……

It’s about the people I am so truly blessed to have, it’s about taking responsibility for my own life, mistakes, choices and what not. It’s about doing the best I can with what I know how, it’s about being grateful and thankful and living every single day to the fullest! I believe I was kept here to glorify God, I’m NOT a prophet, but I don’t think I was given this wisdom and love of life for nothing, I survived for many reasons. And although it’s not always been easy, it’s been a blessing, and I’ve learned. I really believe that NOTHING is a mistake if we’ve learned from it and that life and love and people is ALL about learning. Without learning, we cannot grow. And without growing, we stay stuck. Staying stuck is not so great. I feel stuck in a lot of ways, but I’m working on it, and that’s what counts! The point is,

I can handle challenges and embrace hard times because I KNOW in my heart that God never gives me more than I can handle, and that at the end of that challenge or struggle, I will emerge on the other side: better, brighter, wiser and stronger for having the had the experience. I wish more people knew that.

I also wish more people DID appreciate life because it IS so precious and beautiful if they allow to be. That’s something my boyfriend just does NOT understand, and I SO desperately wish he did. I complain to, I bitch and moan and groan and we all do, we’re entitled, it’s actually healthy sometimes…..but I don’t have a lot of tolerance or patience for people that complain about the smallest crap like….having to pull over for an ambulance on the road, the way I see it, at least YOU’RE not in the ambulance! Or complaining about a broken nail, skinned knee or bad hair day. We have hair, we have nails and knees, stuff happens and that’s that. I’m SURE you understand this being a nurse and all, and I’m sure your children know this…..anyhow…..

Now that I’ve TOTALLY rambled on, sorry, I might be short and sweet but I NEVER write that way! LOL! I’m sorry, I guess I just needed to vent and feel comfortable enough to do so…..

Anyhow, even despite my physical ailments, I’m SO blessed. I’m walking, talking, breathing, thriving, surviving, enjoying and having fun! I’m learning, loving, growing and keeping close with my beloved family and friends. I can sit, stand, brush my teeth, have normal bathroom movements, shower, brush my hair, wash my hands, plug in a blow dryer or TV, I have this computer to keep in touch with WONDERFUL ANGELIC FRIENDS such as YOURSELF, and I’ve got my sight, hearing, sense of smell, taste, ALL my limbs and am NOT dependent on anyone for my wellbeing as far as getting myself dressed and ready for the day. I can walk out my door in whatever I please to wear, speak my mind, worship my God, walk across the street and drive my car ALL without persecution or bombs going off around me. I am not an invilot, I’m not crazy (okay, we all are at times), or retarted or in a wheelchair. I have AC and heat, a car, a family, and God. And honest to God, I think of EACH of these things EVERY single day! I NEVER take them for granted. When I’M having a bad day, I think of Christopher Reeve and ALL of the people that are like him…wheelchair bound, can NEVER be left alone even for a second (I’d REALLY hate that), depend on people and machines to breathe, pee, bathe, etc…….and then it makes my mediocure heartburn and backpain seem NOT so bad at all. I CAN handle it, I CAN do it and I will. IT’s like, hey, it beats the heck outta the alternative right! Quitting is NOT an option, and since I WAS ONCE completely and totally dependent on machines, dr’s and nurses for life and support….it makes it that much sweeter that I’m totally normal and mostly healthy TODAY!!!!!

Well, I need to go, thanks again for your kind words. I hope your trip goes well and I thank you for your prayers. Please know you’re ALWAYS in mine! Take Claudia, all my best always!

Lots of Love, Prayers, Respect & Appreciation,
Your Friend,-Sarah Liz

Cjmg321@aol.com wrote:

Sarah, my lovey-dove....

You just rock my world. When you reveal to me those snippets of what life is like for you, how hard it is to feel really good physically, how you just push on and enjoy life ANYWAY....well, you are a complete and total inspiration for me. If only you could bottle that love of life and self and others that you exude....you would be a billionare many times over. What you have is what most people strive for (or should). That whole notion of being happy and GRATEFUL in the midst of non-perfection, in the middle of physical grief, of hardship.....you've got it. People go their whole lives without knowing the simple joy of living that you somehow live in. I just am in awe of how you do it. When I start to feel the blues because of.....just about anything.....my mind turns to you and how you just beam that love of life and family and God and friends.....and I can drop that whine and remember: life is GOOD. And I am truly blessed. Mostly I am truly blessed to have a friend like you, Sarah. You are truly loved and cherished by me....and, clearly, by BUNCHES of other people.

I wish you the very best of traveling karma....with God clearly in your court, you will have no worries. Think of me these next few days because we are going to Disneyland in the morning! We are driving a rented van and we'll arrive in the night of Thursday and stay on til Sunday night. Paul has summer school to start on Monday morning, so we must be back.

I send my love and grateful thanks....and prayers for continued joy and success. As I have said, (and hope you don't get tired of it)----you totally ROCK. And you are so right....sex is fabulous. I am SO thrilled that your WuWu, as we so coyly say around here, WORKS. You sure went through such difficulty to get one! And I so remember you telling me that last time....that if it didn't work this time that you just wouldn't do it; there would be other things! You stunned me then with your ability to just deal with reality and not cry about what wasn't or couldn't happen....you were just going to deal with what IS. Amazing....just amazing.

I just love you. Keep in touch and keep happy....as if I need to tell you that!!!

xoxo,
Claudia

"I could've missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance."
-Tony Arata
“Miracles happen everyday regardless of past circumstances or expected outcomes.”
-Sarah E. Doan (aka: Sarah Liz)