Pausing & Looking Forward

Enough about this year, it's time to look forward...

I must say, it may seem as though I'm caught up in the past events of this year that have already come & gone, and perhaps I have been lately. And as much as I am looking forward to 2009 and all of its greatness and happiness, lately, I'm in the mood to just pause!

I'm in the mood to not necessarily keep looking back, or forward, but just be. Be still, in the moment, enjoying life one minute to the next. I've never had that feeling and it is such a blessing to have!

But, don't get me wrong. I still have my down days. I still have my worries and concerns. I still feel incredibly sad that this holiday season, neither Colin nor myself got to go home for the holidays. But then, when he mentioned that we are home, in our home, together, I felt a surge of truth & happiness! And then I thought of my friend, Ellen, who once said that she'd heard the phrase 'you and home are one and the same,' and loved it. I thought of Miss Ellen the moment Colin said that to me, and I smiled. After all, Colin & I are trying to make this holiday special anyway. And we know it's up to us. We went to the Shark Reef yesterday and it was lovely! I enjoyed it tremendously. We planned a bit of our wedding today, and it was quite fun, and stressful, since I'm being honest!

The truth is, it's going to be an incredibly small wedding. The guest list will consist of our wedding party (4 friends, 2 siblings), our parents and a few choice relatives. Sincerely! We also figured out we can't take the Cruise Honeymoon we wanted to. At first, we were very upset, admittedly, it totally sucks that Colin & I can't take a long, leisurely honeymoon. But we simply can't afford it. So it is what is. We decided we'll be driving up the coast for our honeymoon, and I'm really looking forward to that. Not really planning it, just getting in the car and going...that'll sure test our marriage, but to be honest, that honeymoon is sounding better than a cruise. I'm looking really forward to our wedding and our honeymoon! And besides, we're having a wonderful wedding as it is with the people who love us the most and we are the closest to! We are blessed! But, truth to be told, I had to work really hard to turn my attitude around. I am a bit disapointed, but on the other hand, we already have so much. We've been blessed with so much. It's okay to be sad or feel like it's unfair, but you know, we're adults now and part of that means not always getting what we want. We have each other, most and best, of all. Heck, anytime you find anyone who wants to marry you, I don't care who you are, that's an accomplishment! We're totally fabulous and worth it, but seriously, FINDING someone to marry is reason enough to be happy! So we went with that feeling instead of focusing on the absent 'dream wedding/honeymoon,' besides, it really is only ONE day in our whole entire lives, one day. The memories of it will be great, and its cost won't be too terribly expensive! Thank goodness!

I have my times where I feel the depression trying to get me, and even, times when I just give in and let it. Because I don't think it's healthy to fight everything all of the time, it's just not. But embracing things, learning from them and then moving on, that's an important lesson I've learned this year. It's important to have goals and dreams and a feeling like you have a purpose in life. But, it's also important to just be in the moment. I've found that you have to plan for things, but then, you also have to be willing to let things happen. So much of my time and energy when I was younger (than I am now) was spent fighting things; my scars, my illnesses, my parents, my grandparents, my partner, any kind of change in general, etc, etc, etc. Now, I just kind of accept things at they come. I take complete responsibility (or I try to at least) for my part in things, my actions, my words. And I let others take responsibility for theirs. But I'm no longer in the mood to fight everything or everyone all the time.

Colin said something to me the other night. We were lying together talking late at night when the cable went out. And he said 'sometimes, you're too strong,' and at first, that offended me. But, now, I get it. And one of the nicest things Colin's ever done for me in my life is show me that I can be weak sometimes. I don't have to be Miss 100% Strong N' Happy all of the time. And it's a beautiful gift he's given me. I've spoken about it before, so I'll stop there.

But, in all honesty, perhaps the reason I don't want to look forward so much anymore is that I am truly happy where I'm at!

In the past, I've either lived in the past or lived in my future. I had tons of goals & dreams that never panned out, and what I've learned from that is that the goals & dreams that did turn out, were far better the ones I could've ever conjured up! And I mean that sincerely! I've learned (this year) that life is rarely what or how you thought it would be. And even if/when we do get what we want, or thought we wanted, it's rarely the experience we thought it would be! (Good, bad or indifferent).

I don't want to look back anymore and I don't want to look too incredibly foward in my life either....at least not right now....

Of course there are things I'm very much looking forward to in the coming days and months; tomorrow, my birthday, dinner on Sunday, Christmas, New Year's Eve, Colin's Birthday, our wedding, the wedding of his best friend/cousin in the coming year also! Seeing my dad/step-mom and sisters at our wedding! Getting a job, etc, etc. So, yes, I am looking forward to many things in my life right now, the things that are going to come. But, life is unpredictable. And in that unpredictable-ness lies its beauty.

Even before, when I thought I had it all planned out, life changed its mind on me. And I'm totally okay with that. My life has turned out so differently and better than I ever thought it would, so far. And I sincerely believe it's only going to get better! I honestly do! So of course I'm looking forward to all of that!

Many more birthdays and Christmases, many more days and months and years to love the ones I love and receive their love! Days and months and years to learn and experience and enjoy! I'm looking forward to it all!

But, I'm also really content with exactly where I am in the time and place I'm in right now.

And I know 'when/then' won't necessarily be easy. I know that with all the happiness and joy and abundance I have to look forward in 2009, I probably also have more struggles ahead, we all do. And to be honest, I'm even looking forward to those! Not just the pretty, happy things that I know will be easy and make me cry tears of joy, I'm looking foward to those moments of course, but I'm also looking fowrard to the difficult ones; because I know they will end up being some of my greatest teachers. I don't want dread and doom and constant 'character building,' as its sometimes called. Don't get me wrong, please. But, I'm smart enough now to realize that life just isn't as easy as I thought it'd be. And every time we think we have it figured out, ha ha, we don't. So, because of that, I can say that yes, I'm looking forward to it all!

I don't know what 2009 will bring, beyond a few certain dates & events and enormous happiness in my wedding/marriage and the love of others! I have no clue, and for the very first time in my life, I like it that way! I can look foward to it all, and all of the possibilities of 2009 because I've earned a strength this year. I've survived another year. And I've loved another year! So, in all honesty, am I looking foward? You bet I am! Absolutely 110% YES! And I love the view from here! But I'm also just really enjoying the current moment! It's not always easy or carefree, but it's always teaching, loving and reminding me that life really is one big, grand, beautiful, complicated blessing!!!

I hope that you can look forward to 2009 with love, hope, joy and peace! And I hope that your strength and love continues to grow well into the new year and beyond! Thank you Lord, for it all! You know my heart, you know my gratitude, and you know my attitude; thank You, Lord, and Colin and my other loved ones, for forgiving me and my attitude even when we're not perfect! Because life never is, but there's always something to get excited about, be happy about, count a blessing for, and look forward to!!!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz

I Believe...from Grandma Joni!

I BELIEVE

A Birth Certificate shows that we were born
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!

Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.

I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.

I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
Loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe...
That you can keep going
long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...
That my best friend and I, can do anything,
or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you
when you're down,
will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of
experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them and less to do with
how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe...
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have
influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
Out a secret. It could change your life Forever.

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
Hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when
A friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent
human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken
from you too soon.

2008: Struggles, Friends & True Happiness!!!

In my last few entries I've spoken about how difficult this year has been for me, personally. But I also spoke about how it's not been that horrible compared to the year that others have had. And I must say, tonight, as I was watching "Dateline," my heart broke for the thousands of people who were wrongly evicted from their homes this year.

The people who were evicted because of the economy's downturn, lost jobs and screwy mortage companies with no rules/guidelines or concious! I thought about the people who lost their homes this year due to natural disasters; floods, mudslides, earthquakes, fires, etc. I thought about people who lost their homes because they lost their jobs (as I said before) or had to choose between a home and medicine. I thought about the families that we forced to put aside their differences (which could be a good thing) and live together. I thought about the million (literally) people who claimed bankruptcy this year and how horrible that must've been for them.

I thought about the people who were defaulted not only on their home loans, but car loans, medical bills and overall spirit. And in truth, how could someone not be defaulted in spirit after all of that? I certainly would be. I'm a positive, gracious person, or so I like to think, but, let's face it, this has been a tough year for pretty much everyone, all the way around. And then I think of my family & friends. And again, in comparison, although personally difficut, my year was not that bad.

I've watched some of my own members of my family come close to losing their homes. I've watched friends be cheated on, left, reach the brink of divorce and turn back. I've watched friends fight like hell to save their marriages and their sanity. And sadly, I've also watched friends of mine divorce this year. I've watched my already hard-working mother, Uncle & Aunt have to take on additional jobs (2--3) in their 50s & 60s just to make ends meet.

I've watched friends of mine lose their parents or other loved ones, and I've watched them sit by and pray for their loved ones because that's all they can do in the midst of sickness and chaos. I've watched friends face their own physical illnesses and endure great and challenging changes in their own lives.

I've watched friends deal with unintended events, such as car accidents, homelessness, addicition and even a pregnancy. And most beautiful of all, I've seen all of this, ach one of them rise to the occasion with bravery and strength! I've watched friends of mine make absolutely courageous decisions in their own lives, such as moving on, opening their hearts, ending situations that they know are not healthy for them, and struggle with the day-to-day-ness of everyday life. And I've been absolutely inspired!

In reality, compared to our ancestors, our lives, at least physically speaking, are pretty damn easy. We're not beating our clothes on rocks, we're not washing a mountain of dishes in a river, we're not hauling all our possesions in a covered wagon across a dry and heated desert, or cold and wet mountain top. We're not rising with the sun and setting with the moon, farming the land, plowing the field and physically milking the cows. (Yes, I know, there are still people who farm, and thank God for them, we literally would starve without them, but in a literal sense, things, even farming, are done in more technologically advanced ways today than they were 50--100 years ago!) We're not having to physically build our homes, or even fix our own cars. God Bless those that do it for us too! But, my point is, I know that my own life, comparitively speaking, is relatively easy.

I know that each of us has had our own struggles this year, and battled our crap in our own special way. I know that I am incredibly fortunate to have such strong and wonderful people in my life, who remind me that strength, hope, love and courage isn't about neglecting or denying the hard stuff, it's about embracing it head on, with hope and every bit of strength you can possibly muster up.

My friends and family inspire me and this world inspires me. It's crazy, it's nuts, it's insanely odd and wierd and wacky and wonderful, all at the very same time.

So, whatever battle it is that you had to fight this year. Whatever hurdle you faced and struggle you overcame, or perhaps, even for the ones that are just begining, I wish you love and courage and strength. I wish you the kind of faith I have, the friends and family I am fortunate enough to know, and the incredible peace of whatever makes you happiest!

Even if for only a moment! Because as the saying goes, happiness is not a destination, it is a journey. It is not about finding the right person, the right job, the right house, the right car, or the right anything; it's about finding little moments of happiness, and stringing them together. It's about taking joy in the simplest of things and littlest moments. And if/when you're fortunate enough to find that right person, job, house, car or whatever the case may be, they only ADD to your happiness, but not "complete" it. There are definately ones we cannot imagine living without, and ones we certainly wouldn't want to live without. But, still, even in someone or something's absence (person, place, thing, house, car, job, mate, etc), happiness is still possible! But we have to create it for ourselves, and recognize it when it comes! Because the truth is, it's all around us. (Sure, so is the darkness, depression and negativity). The decision to grasp on to the first is within. The decision to be happy; not every single waking moment, not overly joyous and underly aware, but the decision to find little moments of joy and happiness; in a child's laughter, a lover's embrace, a delicious food or cup of coffeee, a beautiful sunset, a warm bed to get into at night, a hot shower, a cold swimming pool in summer; whatever the case may be. Grab that little token of happiness and run with it! Because life isn't fair, and it doesn't make sense. It's short and complicated and overrun with plenty of crap and sheer beauty that are perfectly intertwined; we couldn't have one without the other and probably wouldn't know what to do with it anyway! And there's certainly plenty to be not be happy about. But it is up to us! We have to take what makes us happy, in bits and pieces and make it our own. We have to be thankful for what we have, and what we've been given. We have to focus on what we do have, instead of waht we don't. We have to make our own happiness in this life! And what makes me happiest is when I watch others being happy themselves. When I watch my friends, and family, struggle with their own stuff (not their struggling, per se, I dislike seeing that of course) and rise above it. When I watch them and their strength, their courage and their love; when I see it flowing through them and from them and around them! When I see them take a moment to be there for little ole me, when I see them post a picture of their family and friends, or snowfall or a party! I take tremendous happiness in the happiness of others!

And perhaps, 2008 wasn't the happiest year for most of us, perhaps, it was even one of the most difficult, in a multitude of ways...but, I can honestly say that as it comes to an end, I am grateful for it. I am grateful for its lessons, its beauty and its ultimate happiness!

Thank you to my friends and family who inspired me, helped me and loved me through it all! You each add an element of happiness to my life and I cannot imagine it without any of you! Here's to a healthy, peaceful and incredibly Happy 2009!!! Thank you, Lord, for it all!

Merry Christmas everyone, and once again, a sincerely Happy New Year!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)