I am such a sap for weddings...

The other night while watching my favorite TV show 'Grey's Anatomy,' I was bawling like a baby. I don't love admitting this, but I thought it was a real moment in my life and felt compelled to share it.

'Grey's Anatomy' is my favorite TV show on TV today, not of all time. But I do watch it faithfully, each and every week. I think in a way, it's healing. It reminds me of how life was in the hospital, and it makes me grateful I'm no longer in one. Because, geeze, if that's how things really go in a hospital (everyone shacking up with everyone else) no WONDER I experienced a couple of botched procedures. But, anyway....

The two main characters in the show, Meredith Grey and Derek Sheppard, were supposed to be getting married. Now, I've always been a HUGE sap for weddings. Whether real or fake. When Jesse and Rebecca got married married on 'Full House' I cried for days. I'm really not proud of that, but yesterday, I said my goal was to be a more honest writer, so there you go! In real life, I've been a flower girl twice, a bridesmaid twice and a maid of honor once. And of course, I've also been a Bride! So much fun! And at my own wedding, I didn't cry too terribly much. I teared up, I got misty-eyed, mostly when my husband read his hand-written vows to me. Oh, Lord, it was all I could do not to lose it completely. But, I had an audience, it was my (ahem, OUR) show...no blubbering bride for my guests! When I watch our wedding video, though, oh my gosh, I cry and cry and cry. Good tears, happy tears, and most of all, THANKFUL tears! But, anyway...

I was crying because it was Izzy and Alex who got married, instead of Meredith and Derek. At the last minute, Meredith handed her wedding dress to Izzy and Alex showed up all dressed up in his tux (and looking pretty good!). I cried because for so much of my younger life, we didn't know if I would make it to my own wedding day. And even in the weeks leading up to it, I was incredibly afraid of not making it to the altar simply because I would be stuck in a hospital. And that once again, my body would turn on me. About a month before the wedding, I DID wind up in the hospital for a few days, and all I kept saying was "I've got to get out of here, do whatever you have to, I've got a wedding to go, and it's my own! So, seriously, let's get moving, I've got to get home and finish planning this thing!" And as I stood in the bathroom a few minutes before my wedding ceremony, that thought did cross my mind. I was actually there; in a wedding gown and a veil, getting ready to walk down the aisle and marry my Colin. I was a Bride, a walking/talking/healthy/functioning BRIDE! And it felt better than I could even begin to explain! But, that is the moment I also kept thinking about while watching 'Grey's' the other night. I bawled like a baby, at a fake wedding, with fake characters on a TV show. Admittedly, it was also my own real-life two month wedding annviersary and my husband was sitting next to me being all quiet and polite by not laughing at me. His not laughing at me didn't last long, but then again, I'm a typical girl--I cry easily. And I'm a sap. Even for stuff on TV.

Anyway, when Alex was reciting his vows to Izzy, on the show, he was saying how "today (he becomes) a man, today (be becomes) accountable to someone other than himself...." And I said "yeah, that's so true." Then Alex goes on to say that he's ready and willing and able to handle whatever may come their way. That he is prepared for whatever is ahead. And again, that he's now accountable to her and only her. And my husband goes "more than you know, buddy!" And I started laughing because it's very unlike him to downplay marriage. Shuit, he was the one that wanted it in the first place. I did too, after a while, but my man had marriage on his mind worse than a woman when we met! I'm so glad I followed suit and did it, but still. We were very reversed in that aspect of our relationship. Anyway, so Colin (my husband) goes on to say that this guy "whatever his name is" has "no clue" what he's saying and that it's easy to say that on that day, but "try it in two months." To which I added "or in x amount of years." And I laughed again. And I shed a few more tears. And then I got quiet. And I flat out asked my husband if he would marry me again. He was smart enough to say yes, and I truthfully believe him. But instead of making me wonder and making me feel insecure, it actually brought us closer together. Because he admitted that this is hard sometimes. That you don't know what's in store for you get married. And that it is easy to say those things on that day glorified and beautiful day! And he's absolutely right. All of that is absolutely true. But it is also that right there which makes marriage so inherently beautiful and life-changing in a good way! Marriage, like life, is meant to be a gamble. It's meant to keep you guessing, meant to be ever-changing. And it's meant to make you grow. If it was easy, everyone would do it (marriage) and no one would ever die (life). It's comforting to me that my husband shares some of my personal thoughts, without even comiserating on it, it's nice to know we share the same beliefs about marriage on certain days. And let's face it, we went through a REALLY rough time a few weeks ago. Something that tested not only our marriage, but our faith, our strength and ourselves in general. Please dont' think that because we've only been married for two months we've not experienced real stuff. Because we have. We always have. From day one, Colin and I experienced real stuff. And honest stuff, and life's messy stuff. And I'm happy that we've been together almost two and a half years now. It's a total testament to who we both are!

But, after my husband saying all this during the end of 'Grey's Anatomy,' it made me tear up more. Not less. I teared up more because I was reminded of my own wedding day, and ceremony. The most special part of the day. I teared up more because I realized, once again, that that could've been my fate. A wedding ceremony in which right afterwards, I had to return to a hospital bed. I teared up because I felt lucky, and happy, and blessed. And I teared up because I found my 'Alex,' too. A flawed man with plenty of interesting complexes to boot, but who, at the end of the day--is there for me like there's no tomorrow. Who loves me, and works hard to provide for me. And who has sat by my hospital bed twice now.

Yes, I'm a very blessed woman. And a sappy one too, I always will be!

In Light N' Joyous Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. Colin's best friend is getting married next month, I get to see my husband in a tux since he's a groomsman, and I get to dance with him too! Although, I think I'd better stuff a tissue box into my purse, because it's the first real wedding I'll attend having had one of my own. I can only imagine the tears I'll shed that day! I'm looking forward to it very much! -SL :)

Tube(s) of Toothpaste!

Yesterday I posted about how marriage and children aren't for everyone. Today, I'm back to thinking about marriage. I don't know WHY I think about it so much, I'm sixty-three days into it and to be totally honest, that very fact surprises me. It's not that Colin and I are both still here, together, that surprises me, it's that this marriage is working. I don't want to jinx it, brag about it or offend my husband; but, so far, it is working. And out of all the things I've done in my life, being married is one of the things I'm most proud of. Not because I'm especially great at it, or even that experienced with it. It's because it's an accomplishment. The older I get, the more I realize that life is tough. Yes, I'm an eternal optimist. It's fun and great and always full of hope; but it's also tough. And sometimes, being married makes it tougher; sometimes being married makes it easier; depending on the day. I was sitting here reading blogs about marriage and the people who love it, and people who hate it. I don't understand people who continue doing something they hate. I've never HATED being where I am. I may not always be the biggest fan of something going on in my life (whatever the case may be), but I can't remember ever HATING life. It just didn't occur to me that that was even an option. That's where my eternal optimism comes in. Because even in the face of adversity, hardship and pull-my-out-by-the-single-strand moments, I still love life! I sincerely do!

Marriage, however, is tricky because it forces you out and away from yourself that is unlike anything else I've ever experienced. I am actually going somewhere with this, trust me! It's a tricky balance; maintain your own identity and activities with theirs. Finding time as a couple and time for yourself. Even though I've always excelled at being able to keep my "me time" I find it often clouded with marital stuff. Perhaps not clouded, I'm not here unwillingly, just....marriage can consume you if you let it. Just like anything else can too.

As for me, I cook, I clean, I run errands, I make phone calls, I research/compile data, track information and keep financial records. And I do dishes--endless loads of piles of dishes. Because our dishwasher is broken and a dishwasher isn't really a necessity. (Or so I've been told, by my mother, not my husband. Believe me, if we OWNED this house and had an extra $500, we'd have had a dishwasher installed YESTERDAY!). And I agree, a dishwasher is not a necessity. I never learned how to properly load a dishwasher anyway. But I know my husband's biggest annoyance with me is this: I'll DO the dishes, but it is very rare that I actually put them away! I put them in the dish rack, "let God dry 'em." And this drives my husband insane.

This got me thinking: every single partner/spouse I know has a running list of "little annoyances" that their spouse does. And for most people, this list of annoyances is lengthened or shortened by the day. It depends on how tired you are, how hard you've worked that day, if the woman is currently experiencing PMS symptoms, or if the man going through his "leave me the hell alone, I need to be in my man-cave" phase. (Either of these can happen anytime, any day. Lovers be ware!) And if you don't think you and your spouse both have a list, you're seriously kidding yourselves! The key to a happy marriage, so far, is to look past and beyond these lists. And most importantly, ALSO have a running list of good things, proper things, right things and loving things your spouse does for you. Things you like about them, or even adore. This running list should be longer. It keeps stuff in perspective!

I believe any married person will tell you that maintaing your own identity is one of the hardships of marriage. One of the best ways to do this, I've found, is by having your own tube of toothpaste! Why? Well, for many married people, that "list of annoyances" concerning their spouse contains something to do with toothpaste.

It's either the kind of toothpaste (gel or actual paste), the flavor of toothpaste (cinnamon, mint or neither), the ability of the toothpaste (whitening, total mouth upkeep, or basic stuff) and the size of the toothpaste. I don't like running out of things, usually because I'm usually always the one running to store to pick them up. (Although lately, my man's been very good at going with me, thanks babe!) I don't like running out of anything really, I think it's because I was partly raised by my grandmother who grew up in the depression and stock piled everything in our house. To this day, I try and keep a running stock of things we have the things we need. So, in all reality, I usually have an extra tube of toothpaste beneath one of our bathroom cabinets. So the size of the toothpaste in my house isn't really an issue.

What is an issue is the location of the toothpaste and the condition in which the tube itself is in. (This is actually how we came to separate tubes of toothpaste.) This is the number one toothpaste complaint for most couples. Where did you put it, and how come it doesn't work right?. There's the toothpaste stain left in the sink (which I think we all dislike), there's the scrunched up mangled tube of toothpaste that you can never actually get the toothpaste out of. And then there's the empty tube of toothpaste when you're running late for something and need it really bad. Realistically, we do not need toothpaste. Baking soda and water suffice just fine. I learned this once on a Girl Scout camping trip.

But, there is not a couple I know of that hasn't experienced "toothpaste" issues. I wonder why that is? It is such a little everyday fact of life. And yet, toothpaste inevitably comes up on every list of "what annoys you most about your spouse?" I am lucky, I have a husband who really doesn't care what kind of toothpaste he uses--for the most part.

I personally adore Trader Joe's toothpaste. It's a no-frills, no additives/chemicals/sugar added toothpaste that makes my breath fresh, my teeth white and gets the job done in no time! My husband will not touch TJ's toothpaste with a ten-foot pole. So, on the rare occasion that I am out of toothpaste, I know it's my own darn fault. The same goes for him.

We have two different tubes of toothpaste, and when I think about it, this fact actually helps our marriage. There are so many things in life (and in marriage) that we cannot control. And often times, we are forced to learn both of those lessons the hard way.

We can control the toothpaste, though, so we do. Our indivisual tubes of toothpaste are a little symbol of our sustained independence; a tube of victory for our own individuality. This may seem small, but trust me, it's not. Having your own tube of toothpaste is a big fat, conflict-resolving helper! It eliminates tiny arguments. It's also symbolizes learning to the little things go. And of course, full-on ignoring the toothpaste stain one of you leaves in the bathroom sink every morning.

So, when we're still married in a number of years, and a young newlywed couple asks me for marriage advice, I think I'll let them in on this little tidbit: keep separate tubes of toothpaste, and have plenty of both on hand!

Here's to healthy teeth and even healthier, happier marriages!

Thank you, Lord, for it all!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)