Happy May! Happy (Early) Mother's Day!

Good Morning, all! Or rather, good Friday morning, and Happy May! :) I love May, it's one of my favorite times of the year. I wrote about March being the best of my life and my hope for April being just as great. The first half was, the second half; not so much. But it's over and life goes on. We're moving forward. I hope May is great, and easier and lovely! The weather, I know, is absolutely beautiful! Thank God for that!

It's been almost two weeks since my last entry. Life is complicated. Good and blessed, not horrible, but complicated. I'm continuing with my job search and have gone on a few interviews. I have one next Thursday which I'm really excited about! (My two-month wedding anniversary!) I hope I get it. I'm putting it out there in the universe, okay, there, I said it. THIS job I really want. I wanted all the other ones too. But I'm thinking positively and praying hard for it. I've done so much work looking for work, that I just want to work now! My goodness! I had an interview last Friday, which obviously, I did not get. When I found out Monday, I was not happy. But then I realized, again, that God will provide the right job for me, at the right time. And these last few weeks have not been the right time. They just weren't, it was God's work that I didn't have official work, actually. It was a blessing. These last few weeks, they've been odd.

The weight of adulthood and marriage, and being a daughter, has laid heavily on my heart. My husband had medical problems last week, and my father is in dire shape, health wise. The two most important men in my life have NOT been well. Last night I cried so hard about my dad that I couldn't stop. I'm not unstable to work, I just want to make that clear. I am perfectly capable of working, and would welcome the escape right now. Going to work would be a vacation. But in all seriousness, last week, my husband had some struggles with his own health problems and my mother-in-law ended up coming down to help me out. God Bless her. I just couldn't do it alone. It was one of the the most difficult weeks of my life, emotionally speaking. It was up and down and up and down. Thankfully, by last Sunday, we had settled down and ironed out a lot of crap. And "Mom" in law, went home. The ADJUSTMENT to marriage is astounding. Just astounding. I never thought our first year would be that hard, but at times, it is. But on the other hand, I still love being married. It's also absolutely wonderful, a great teaching experience and a huge blessing to have a constant friend/partner in your life. I have grown so much in my faith and my strength, and have leaned on the Lord probably more than I ever have. Last night, my husband and I prayed together, and that felt good. Yesterday afternoon, I also prayed with my friend, Sarah, that felt good too. I love praying. It's amazing. The power of prayer is so beyond anything I describe. Anyway, I want to try pray with my husband everyday, after all, "the couple that prays together, stays together," and we need God in our lives and in our marriage. I would never force my faith on my husband or make him do something he's not comfortable with, but he said he felt better after we prayed. That was nice. Anyway, enough about that. Things are looking up again!

So, I'm up at 7am and not feeling well. No, I do NOT have the Swine Flu.....sorry, the H1 or whatever the politically correct name it is they're calling it now. The coffee I made this morning is really yummy! My mom gave me a tip about putting ground cinnamon in the coffee grounds before you brew it; apparently, cinnamon has major anxti-oxidant properities and is really good for you. I knew this. I did not, however, how downright yummy it would be in coffee! Yum!

I appreciate my mother's concern. She's sweet. Mother's Day is coming up and it's always been one of my favorite holidays. I LOVE celebrating my mom, my grandmother mothers, and women, everywhere. Not to take anything away from REAL moms, but I think all of us women are mothers in some way. We either mother our children if we have them; we mother our pets, our plants, our husbands, our younger siblings, our nieces/nephews, our friends and/or even, ourselves. I do know that being an actual mother of a human being is THE single hardest job on earth (as is being a father too), and all the good moms out there absolutely amaze me! Seriously! So, here's to mom's everywhere! :) Happy (early) Mother's Day!

I woke up this morning thinking about my mom. I have the urge to write this morning, so I'm going to try. Here goes:

I was a good child. And I think I've been a good daughter. I had manners pounded into me (not literally) and used them always. I was, and am, the consummate lady, at all times--even as a young child. I was taught the value of hard work and taught the lesson that "hey, sometimes life sucks, and it's rarely ever fair, but God is good and family is everything!" THAT lessons carries me through most of my days.

As a child, I rarely, make that--NEVER, got in trouble at school. Not once in twelve years. I also did not once experiment with alcahol or drugs, and I never slept around before I was of a legal age to have sex. Again, make that I never slept around at all. That all being said, I'm certainly no angel.

I crashed cars (twice) as a teenager. I had a mouth on me that wouldn't quit, (fortunately, I've mellowed and learned to curb it--most of the time.) I asked incessant question after question after question; and I still do. (Now it's my husband whom I annoy!) I'm just a curious indivisual, I always have been. I love to learn. So as a little girl, I looked to my mother to learn a lot. And teach me she did. But not one big lesson, in one big, long talk. She taught me a lot of little lessons, with a lot of little talks; throughout my childhood/growing up.

I was no angel, but I'll happily admit that at times, I was difficult.

Before the age of seven years, I refused to wear pants (although my begged me too), watch TV (except 'Full House' on Tuesday/Friday nights), and play sports. Because of my lungs I could've never played a lot of sports anyway, but still. I wouldn't even watch football, one of my mother's great loves in life. Worse than a man, I promise. Sure, I'd watch the Superbowl and cheer on my San Francisco 49ers, (it was the 80s/90s--and they were THE team!). But other than that, never liked football. I'd also complain when she watched Ice Skating, every freakin' day throughout the winter. I'd bug her at the grocery store to show me how to pick produce (thankfully, she did!), I'd pester her to buy me lots of stuff; mostly toys that I know I didn't need. I'd wake her up early on the weekends, knowing good and well, she'd just worked a night shift and had only slept a few hours--but, I didn't, I wanted to PLAY! Although I would never play with Barbies, despite her antique collection of them and numerous attempts to show me how "cool" they were! (Still not a fan of the Barbie Dolls!) I made her and my step-dad be my "students" and play school, at least monthly. I had a pretty rockin' classroom going, I must admit! Anyway, back to my being a bit difficult. I rarely came in the house when my mother told me to. I made fun of her acne--all the time. Which became my biggest teacher of the fact that "Karma's a bitch!" (I had horrendous acne as a teenager and have just now gotten it under some control)! I would see the other moms at school and girl scout meetings and ask her why she wasn't "pretty like the other mommies?" (Sorry, mom, you've really been beautiful all along!) I'd make fun of her listening to Barbra Streisand and her obsessive need to clean. Okay, I still make fun of her obsessive need to clean. She's just weird about it--it's not just my opinion, ask anyone who knows her. She'll even admit to it! I would roller skate across a freshly mopped floor, leaving tracks and skid marks and then ask "what?!" I'd hoard candy, mainly because she rarely let me have any, but then fight with her when he didn't. (The day she accidently put her foot through the wall in the kitchen was downright hilarious, but that's another entry. Let's just say I was no longer the one in trouble!) I made my mother sit FRONT ROW & CENTER at any and all recitals/concerts. (Truth is, she wouldn't have been anywhere else in the room, but still, I MADE her). Looking back, I ran that woman ragged. No wonder she likes to sleep so much now! What else did I do? Refuse to pick up my room? You bet. Tell her that my grandma liked me better than her? Oh yeah. (Don't all grandma's like their grandchildren better though? Just kidding!). Did I BEG her to sneak me out of the hospital, "for a break," as soon as I felt the slightest inkling of better, after one of my many surgeries? Absolutely. And a few times, she did. That was cool! Totally illegal, but cool! Thanks again, mom!

As a teenager, I was the "do not come within ten feet of my bangs" kind of girl. I was the never get me off the phone girl. I was the "it hurts to touch my head," girl when my breasts were developing. (I still say nothing hurts like developing those breasts, men are lucky they never have to. I wonder if their parts hurt that much when they 'drop' and their voice changes. I should ask my husband that, I guess.) But, anyway, I digress. I always wanted to go to the mall. (Why DO teenagers always want to go the mall?) I wanted to be a singer (fat chance, Sarah), and forced my mom to listen to ALL of my newest songs and latest musical creations. Perhaps I didn't force her, I just kept asking and asking and asking until she caved in. Persistance pays off. I'm still persistant. That's not a bad thing, by any means. I've always been quite a determined woman! I like that about myself. In fact, my mother herself is incredibly determined, and stubborn, so is my grandmother. All of us women--very strong and hard-headed. But it works, it's what gets us through this life. And I'm thankful for it. As I mentioned earlier, I crashed a few cars. Okay, just one, my first car, but I did it twice, within the same year, and the first time, I lied about it. (I honestly did not know that it was illegal to hit and run, I damn well know that now, believe me!) I didn't injure anybody, okay! I hit a security car late at night when leaving the mall, it's not like I killed anyone. I learned my lesson. And I will say this: there is, and never has been, ANYTHING as horrible as that incredibly disapointed expression on my mother's face. It was the one and only time I've ever lied to her, and I'll never do it again. Her look of disaproval, broken trust and dismay with her "work" with me, stung me like a bee. I'll never forget that moment, it's one that's kept me on the straight and narrow ever since. Including when I'm on the road!

Looking back on it, I wasn't a horrible child.

And as a teenager, I was like, "so easy it's ridiculous", my mother's words, not mine. She'd go to work and hear HORROR stories from other moms with teenagers and count her lucky stars. I just figured, even then, that I'd given her enough trouble, worry and stress as a chronically ill baby/toddler. I didn't need to give trouble her more. I still see it that way. I've always felt obligated to make it easier on my mother since I gave her such hell at the beginning of my life. Of course, what I put her through was absolutely no fault of my own. It wasn't a decision I made. It was God's testing us, and I am thankful for that. Always. It brought us closer, made us stronger and cemented our faith! But, in all seriousness, I'd like to think I wasn't any worse than any other child. Sure, I annoyed her, I bugged her, I challenged her. But that's what kids do, right? Okay, perhaps I challenged (and still do) more than most kids. But it wasn't because of my behavior, it was because of my brain. My 'very powerful, amazing, brain' according to my mother. None the less, paybacks are a bitch, I know. This being the percise reason I think I need to think a little longer about having a daughter of my own. And I do want a daughter. I know you're not supposed to say that, and a healthy baby/child is important, and I agree. But, still, I'd want a daughter. She would challenge me to no end, though, and I know it.

My mother was a good mommy, and she's a great mother. She's a mother to most everyone I know. And now, she's my husband's mother also. As his mother is mine. We both have two moms, and we so entirely blessed by that.

But, back to my own mother. Like I said, I'd like to think I wasn't any harder than the average child. My mom says I was an easy child. She says I was an angel of a teenager and that other than my smart-mouth, smart-ass attitude at times; she couldn't have asked for a better daughter. That makes me feel good. Very good. She says she's incredibly proud of the woman I've become. How strong and wise I am. How positive and faithful I am. She says now that she would've never thought I'd "turn out this good." I can't say I entirely agree, I'm still no angel. But I believe I am a good person. I am a woman of faith. I am a strong person. I am loyal and kind and compassionate. All of which, I got from my mother. And I'm grateful for it, very, very grateful for it.

As I mentioned earlier, I don't remember my mother and I having one BIG conversation about life. I don't remember the "sex" talk, or the "faith" talk, or the "manners" talk. I don't remember the one cooking lesson, or one cleaning lesson (she's still giving me those and probably will 'till the day she dies. And I'm positive the first time I go to clean something when she is gone, I'll wonder how to do it and cry because she's no longer here to teach me). As for sex, my mother always explained in lamensterms, with reality and a straight face. God Bless her for that, among other things. I'm not sure I could do the same. Sex was always an open conversation my household. It was talked about honestly and realistically. She told me that at times, sex can be the most beautiful, wonderful thing in the world; and at times, it can be the dirtiest, ugliest thing in the world. It all depends on the timing and the person you're with. She couldn't have been more right. When she took the time to explain the mechanics of sex (you know, penis/vagina--remember, I was a very curious child and asked these questions early on)--she did it perfectly. It's exactly the way I'll explain it to my kids, if I ever have them. Very ingenious, mom, thanks! Another open conversation in my house was the unfairness of life. I was always told to count my blessings and look for the positive, but that life wouldn't always be fair and I wouldn't always get what I want. She did remind me though, that I'd always get what I NEED. That's a very important lesson to learn. But she didn't say all of this just once. She repeated it, here and there, sprinkling these lessons across my life (so far) like tasty salt and spicy pepper. Some things I enjoyed learning, some things, I did not. That's the sign of a good parent, if you asked me.

As I was saying, I don't remember one specific talk about anything in life. I remember LOTS of talks, LOTS of lessons and having lots of those "teachable" moments they talk about on TV and in psychology books. And no, I'm not kidding you. She was Mrs. Sally Surburbia, my mother. She was the teacher volunteer, girl scout cookie mom (only once), field trip leader, dance class watcher, ultimate chef and consumate maid. Literally. She taught me how to eat right and instilled in me a serious love of good food. Okay, her AND my grandmother. I grew up in the kitchen and learn to cook from a very early age. For this, I am truly eternally grateful. Not only did they teach me how to cook, but they taught me how to cook well. We're amazing cooks! The coolest thing is that now, we're all equally good. And if/when we make a meal together, look out! It's so good we'll be lucky if we get any! My mother taught me about healthy eating. About gardening and fruits and vegetables. She taught me how to eat properly and healthfully and ENJOY it at that. She taught me how to pick produce and plant it. She taught me how to 'sneak' veggies into every meal. But she never snuck veggies in on me. I had to look at them, prepare them, known them and eat them, plain and simple; in plain sight. And usually, I loved them! She taught me to always try new foods and didn't allow me to say I didn't like it until I'd tried it! How I eat today and the way in which I cook and stock my own kitchen, most all of it, is because of my mother (and grandmother).

My also taught me the beautiful relaxation of a good massage! One of the best things in life! And in recent years, taught me the importance of taking time relax, because she has finally begun to do so herself. Thank God! Her energy is enourmous and exhausting sometimes, and she still has trouble staying idle for too long. But I don't fear hard work, a list of errands or run from things that need to be done. And that is thanks to her!

My mother taught me about all of this: faith, cooking, cleaning, organizing, kindness, compassion, reading, learning....THROUGHOUT my life. She took each day to teach me something new and different. And yes, she would actually ask me what I learned that day, at the dinner table every night! That was another one of her gifts to me; her insistance upon eating family meals together each and every night. Whether it was me and her and my grandmother, me and her my step-dad, or just me and her after the divorce. To this day, I love eating meals as a family--me and my husband, me and my mother, or around a table with any gathering of the family. It's so important. It is one of the reasons I stayed away from trouble, and the way in which I was held accountable for my actions. Nice work, mom, really!

I also sincerely believe that my mother is where my love of learning comes from. To this day, I try and learn something new every day. My mother never went to college, beyond a semester or two. She wouldn't consider herself smart (although she is, very smart!). She loves to read, but I wouldn't call her a bookworm. And she couldn't help me with my math homework beyond the 3rd grade. But, still, SHE was the best mother I could have ever asked for!

She had her shortcomings, don't get me wrong. She didn't teach me enough about money or finances or how to reasonably manage either of them. But, some things ARE better when you have to learn them yourself. They sink in more, trust me. My mother wasn't a great baker and didn't care for it, (neither do I) so if I know anything about baking (and I know very little) it's because of my grandmother, not my mother. She never wore makeup, and up until about five years ago when she got into her 50s, couldn't have cared less about fashion and didn't have the first clue about it. (She still calls me her fashion consultant!) Now, of course, she DOES wear make up and looks downright hot most of the time. This disturbs me. Seriously, my mother gets hit on by a plethera of men wherever she goes. I'm not kidding. It's wierd. I mean, she's a beautiful woman, don't get me wrong, and she really has come into her own and finally gotten around to liking herself. (Why she never did, I'll never know.) But I've literally had men follow us around a mall or store to ask her out. It's just odd. But, I digress.

My point is, like all mothers, she did mess up in some ways. They ALL do. And I WILL TOO--if I ever become an actual mother myself. Believe me, I'll give my kid(s) plenty of reasons to sit on a therapists couch in their adult life trying to figure me and their childhood out. My mother laughs when I say that. It's not meant as a put down. It's just the truth. ALL parents, regardless of how hard they try, and how fantastic they are in most areas of parenting, mess up in some way! My mother just didn't do it royally! And that's a testament to HER, by the way, not me. My mother says I'd make a fantastic mother, a much better mother than she was. I whole heartedly disagree. The older I get, the longer I'm married, the more I attempt to make my own way in this world; the more respect I have for my mother and the exact ways in which she raised me.

From an extremely early age, I KNEW right from wrong. I had morals and values and convictions. I was raised to SHARE my feelings--always in a respectful way,and stand up for what I believe in! Most of all, I was raised believe in God. Not any certain kind God,though, just a belief in Higher Power who knew the way and understood me. Who was my friend, my Creator and my truest parent of all. I was raised to believe in myself, in hard work and in the power of the word. I was raised to like myself, be proud of my accomplishments, and admit when I was wrong. I was raised to apologize when necessary and correct it if I could. I was raised with a good body image and to be proud of being a woman! I was raised with optimal manners, at all times. And on the rare occasions I was spanked or smacked across the face, (like, four times me entire life) it was probably because I showed a lack of manners in some way. Or took my smart mouth a little too far. If I took it into the area of disrespect, I was made well ware of it. Disrespect, by the way, is something which to this day, my mother will NOT tolerate. And she shouldn't. She's earned it. I just happen to hate it when she's right. Don't all kids hate it when their mothers are right? And aren't all mothers usually right to begin with? One of life's most annoying facts, I swear! But all and all, my mother, she did good. She did real good.

I'm not the perfect person and I've certainly got my faults. My mother also taught me the importance of embracing those, admitting to them; and either trying to improve upon them or live with them. Again, thanks mom!

I am the person I am today, good, and indifferent because of my mother. More than anyone else. Even my dad admitted that she did good. That was huge!

If someone says I'm nice, or kind, or well-mannered, or even well dressed; it's thanks to my mother. She taught me how to dress properly and take pride in how I look. But not in an out of control, high-maintinence kind of way. Just as in "make sure your clothes are clean, stain/wrinkle-free, and try to color corodanate them." That's all. Quite simple now that I think about it.

My mother is on many levels, my hero. And I know that when I got married, it was hard for her to let me go. It's hard for all mothers to let their children go. The other day when she told me I was a good wife, I almost cried. Okay, my HUSBAND's opinion of the kind of wife I am is more important, and he's the real decider of that. But, still, it was nice to hear from my mom. It made me feel good. I'm glad she's proud of me. I try. I try every day to make her proud.

I don't live my life trying to please her, and believe me, a lot of things I've done and will continue to do, I'm sure, don't please her. No child is perfect. No parent-child relationship is easy. Life isn't easy. It's my mother who taught me that! Thanks, again,, mom!

My mother taught me so much, and did so much and said and yet, didn't say so much. All percisely at the right time. She cooked, cleaned, took, ran, carried, made and raised me in a wonderfully beautiful way. And she always did it with a smile on her face. And joy in her heart. She considers it an honor to be my mother. For this, I am glad. And grateful. For that, and for her. I will spend the rest of my life, even after she's gone, trying to make her proud. To good by her. But, here's something he needs to know: I am inherently indebted to her, I am irrevenatly proud to be her daughter. Always have been, always will be.

Neither of us is perfect, we are each our own woman, with our own choices and sometimes, differing beliefs. I enjoy and appreciate this aspect of our relationship--it makes me proud. We are no longer connected at the hip, but we are always, and will forever be, connected by the heart. And by our love and admiration for one another! Always!

This Mother's Day, I cannot afford to give my mother an official gift. So, this blog, this is my gift to her. I hope it makes her happy. I hope it makes her laugh. I hope it makes her proud. And I hope it makes her smile. I hope she feels the love I have for her, through this entry. I hope she enjoys the memories I've written about here. And I hope she has the happiest Mother's Day ever...because, mom, you deserve it! I love you mama, and thanks again, always, for absolutely, positively everything! I am still everything I am because you loved me!

Happy Mother's Day, to my mother, and all mother's everywhere! You're absolutely amazing! And I bow down to you, and I always will! God Bless each and everyone of you--now and forever!

In Light N' Mother's Day Gratitude & Love,
-Sarah Liz

P.S. To my mother-in-law, who is also, the best "mom" I could have ever asked for. You are seriously one of the reasons I married your son! For welcoming me into your family, with arms open wide from the start! For considering me your daughter, long before it was official. For loving and supporting me and Colin in a multitude of ways. For listening and laughing and giving me perspective. For helping me, and him, and us. And for sincerely being one of my most favorite people ever--who I'd want to hang out with even if I wasn't married to your son--thank you! I love you too, mom, and Happy Mother's Day--always! -Sarah