Everything (Often) Does Look Better in the Morning: Knowing when & how to accept Grace, turn the corner, move on & spring upward!

Last night I said that everything would look better in the morning, and boy oh boy I was right!

I've decided that the reason all of this happened the last few weeks was so that I WOULD learn to ADMIT MY LIMIT. Be strong and courageous, and honest and real. And I still believe that.

But, I'm over most of it now--I really did need that little breakdown last night, I feel SO MUCH better! I'm still incredibly sad about Nellie, just a few minutes ago I walked in the door when I got home and went looking for her (habit) and of course, she isn't here anymore. So, that was tough. I thought about her earlier this morning walking back to my place after a VERY LIGHT work out. I was sad, and I'll probably be sad about it for a while, but life DOES go on. It HAS to.

I know I've been through worse, but I also know that God knows that anything else right now would just, I don't want to say destroy me, but greatly bother me, how 'bout that? So, I think He got the message loud and clear! Yay!

This morning, I FINALLY picked up my car, and as it turns out, most of what was wrong with it was covered under warranty! Thank you, Lord! What I DID have to pay I was able to barrow from my grandma (thanks Grandma!). It wasn't that much, actually, not for what they did. And last Friday, when I took the car in to my regular mechanic, he didn't charge me a penny for 3 hours of labor AND a diagnosis! THAT is AWESOME! I am so thankful for that and I told them that. I found the greatest mechanic who's not far from where I live and is honest--imagine that?! Most places now a days charge AT LEAST $40--$150 JUST to diagnose a vehicle (you know, when the "Check Engine" Light comes on and you don't know why!), and these wonderful people did it for FREE! Thank God!

Also, I was thinking earlier today that it's really quite a miracle that my mother didn't knock herself out completely when she ran into that cement wall at work. It's an even bigger miracle that she didn't have a concussion and COULD take time off of work without being fired for it. Also, a miracle, she had vacation time stored up so she just used that. So, yes, her crashing herself into a wall and literally breaking her face SUCKED--it sucked big time, especially for her--but what a story to tell, hunh? She'll have a really cool scar on her nose and it all worked out. No one died, and no one slipped into a coma--so yes indeed, God and all my mama's angels were right there with her the whole time! Thank You, Lord!

Today, after I went and got my car, I went down to the complex lobby and got on the computer and read on the couch. Then I walked on the treadmill for about 10 minutes--it was so wonderful! I watched some trashy TV while I did it and made sure to breathe properly, it was nice and relaxing! I can't ex cerise a lot, but what little I can do feels SO good! It's good all the way around--for my physical fitness, for building up my lung capacity, for energy, for strength and for RUNNING ENDORPHINS that got a chance to FLOW this morning! I am so blessed I'm able to have a place to do that--walk on a treadmill--and have the ability to do with the legs to do it with! It was fun!

After that, I sat by the pool and dipped my feet in the water. I just listened to the water fountain near by and looked at the beautiful trees! I LOVE TREES! I'm a tree lover, for sure, and yes, a tree hugger! :) Anyway, it was a nice reprieve from the chaos.....

When I came home, I opened a card from a good friend of mine and it was the NICEST, most BEAUTIFUL, well-said card. It made me cry tears of JOY--which was SO nice, and the card was so true and so poingnant--it just made my whole week!

I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life, I really wouldn't have gotten through this without them.

I have realized that I'm over the hump....I may not be 110% yet, there may still be bumps along the way, but I really think I'm over the very worst of it. I can look back on this time (Summer 2010) and say "WOW, I did THAT? Damn, I'm strong!" Would I do it again? HELL, NO! I'm so glad I can't press rewind in this case, and thank God I don't have too!

I think it's important to have a little reprieve every day, if at all possible. And sometimes, you have to create that for yourself. But, little things....little things all add up--good, bad and indifferent.

Another HUGE thing that's a miracle is that when Colin WAS in the hospital, that first night in the emergency room, we got the MOST PERFECT nurses for him. They were nice and calm and attentive, with good bedside manner AND they KNEW what they were doing! It was amazing! His parents and I thanked them both profusely. They were awesome!

When I went back to the hospital the following week for some paperwork, I wasn't getting anywhere at first, but then this really nice lady named Shelley, helped me. She was so nice and considerate and pointed me in the right direction--literally!

Also, during this whole thing, I've learned that at times, I really am capable of keeping people alive. I seem to do it a lot. My mom, my grandma, Donnie, Colin. Yeah, 7 years ago this month (August 2003) Donnie was hit by a truck (literally) right in front of my eyes and almost died. That was about as much fun as all this has been lately--NOT! Anyway, in all sincerity, people seem to almost die in front of me, and every single time they ALMOST do, they DON'T. Now, I KNOW that's not ME, that's God, every one's personal angel, their own free will and so on, but I am beginning to think that it's NO ACCIDENT that I'm always the person there when these things happen. I think God is using me as instrument, and I'm glad for that--I get sick of it sometimes, and I'm taking my 15 min. break, God, just so you know--BUT....I think I have played a SMALL ROLE in the fact that each and every time someone ALMOST dies in front of me--they DO end up surviving. That's pretty special I think.

Anyway, through all of this chaos I've had people (Sarah, Tessa, Claudia, Chris, even my co-worker--to a point, my mother) willing to be there for me and listen. They didn't judge, they didn't try and solve anything--they just listened. What a miraculous and beautiful gift that is! Truly! If I DID ask their advice, they gave it to me, but otherwise....yeah I've been fortunate enough to vent this "story" of the past few weeks around 10 times now, so I'm going to do my best to stop talking about it now. It's over, it's done with......I survived, Colin survived, my mother survived....no one died, the car is fixed, we got really creative in how we could save more $$ from now on, we got the best nurses, I kept my job and didn't miss a single minute of it during the whole process, the house is still standing and so are we!

So, you see, it's not all bad.

It wasn't easy, it was quite possibly one of THE SINGLE MOST difficult times of my whole life, but I DID IT! I SURVIVED and I will AGAIN and again and again....because that's just who I am.

The ONLY thing now that is still bothering me is Miss Nellie, but she's resting peacefully, I know and I HAVE to smile because it happened, instead of cry because of it's over.

I read this in a 12 step book recently--my mother's best friend when I was growing up was an alcoholic and I found this Daily Reflections book from her in the bottom of a drawer the other day. This is what it said for April 22nd, now I know it's August 5th, but it's pertinent to today none the less: "I stretched, developed, twisted, but with the help of others, my spirit eventually burst up from the roots. I was free. I acted, I withered, went inside, prayed, hoped, acted again, understood anew and as one moment of perception struck--up sprang my rooms [came] spirit armed lengthened into strong, green shoots. High-springing servants stepping skyward."

That is just so profound for me right now, I feel like I've definitely grown a lot lately and like I said, it is definitely with the help of others (and God) that I have been able to act accordingly, go within, pray and now step forward towards the sky!

The last part of that entry in the book says "Here on earth God unconditionally continues the legacy of higher love." and I think that's true.

I am certain I have God's love and forgiveness today. I don't know about tomorrow, I'm not going to worry about it. Yes, I was mad at Him, who isn't occasionally? Even the most faithful people get mad at God sometimes. He's a big boy, He can handle it and I think sometimes He tests us just to see if we have the courage to BE mad at him. I really do. But, just like any other relationship in life--I can be mad at God, and He can be mad at me--and we can still love each other, believe in each other and want the best for each other. I really and truly believe that.

Anyway, a song that got me through the last few weeks is "Why Don't We Just Dance" by Josh Turner. It's a fun song and it reminds me of a passage that sits in my break room at work "Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here, we might as well learn to dance."

That is so true! Sometimes, just dancing helps tremendously--that and singing--which I also did for over an hour last Friday (right before mom's accident). That felt so wonderful too!

I want to write down what the card that my good friend sent me said, so here it is:

"I know you must be feeling like every thing's upside down right now. And it's okay if you feel sad, angry, or even anxious about the future. Take care of yourself. Go for a walk, take some time off, and if you listen to your heart and pay attention to what you need, in time--you'll start to see this as a new beginning. You are a strong, determined, beautiful woman, with everything going for her--and I care about you with all my heart."

Isn't that awesome and just the most perfect and timely sentiment ever? It IS because I have people who care about me, it IS because I'm strong, it IS because I'm determined and DID go for walks, and HAVE taken care of myself and AM able to finally see a new beginning--that today--just for today--right now, in this moment....I AM OKAY!

I am actually feeling pretty great! I'm a little short on sleep and I clearly need some of that, but life is still abundantly good. It's okay if you can't always--or don't want too--see that, but LIFE GOES ON. It's unbearably difficult sometimes, and it's definitely not always fair--but it CONTINUES.

I have forgiven myself for the ways I acted last night (prior to writing last night's entry) that were not so "Sarah". I have forgiven myself for feeling sorry for myself and for being mad at God. You can't really forgive anyone else until you forgive yourself, and I guess that's another lesson I learned through all of this--SELF-FORGIVENESS is just AS important (if not MORE important) as forgiving others.

I also posted comments on OTHER people's blog today and it turns out, I'm CLEARLY not the only one going through crap right now. Really, I'm not. It made me feel better and I did sit by the pool and pray for everyone else today--that felt good too. So did writing a thank you note to my friend for that beautiful card. I sent all my friends little cards (yes, actual cards in snail mail w/ a stamp & everything) a few weeks ago when Colin was in the hospital--doing that helped me so much. Reaching out to others, letting them know how much I appreciate them and love them and all that--it was awesome, I think I'll make it a monthly event!

Anyway.....

I am a very blessed woman, who got a little off-track, a whole lot tested and rose to the occasion each and every time! And I'm proud of that, I'm very proud of that--thank You, Lord, for that.

Most of all, I'm a blessed person who still misses her baby Nellie--but sulking isn't what I told her I'd do. 15 minutes a day, that's it--then, I move on to something else. My heart may hurt for a while over her, but like I said, LIFE GOES ON!

I have a working car again--a fantastic job that I rock at--a place to live w/ great amenities, all four limbs, all five senses and of course, the BEST people ever!

Here's to turning the corner, being open to grace and reaching upward!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz ;)