The more things change, the more they stay the same! Yes, perhaps I do want a wedding (but not soon) & other thoughts on past entries!

Wow. I'm sitting here at a friend's house, housesitting for them. They have a lovely home, a small 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom home that they rent. It's really cute! I'm having a great time just hanging out and relaxing here. The change of scenery is good. Today was a busy day: Colin and I met up with his best friend, Yoni, and his girlfriend, Heather. We had brunch with them at Harrah's, and on the way, Colin and I stopped at the mall and he bought me 2 dresses for summer--one is brown with beige polkadots (small ones, cuz I can't stand big polka dots!) and the other is orange/hot pink with flowers on it, shorter, a halter-top type dress. They're both really neat, but I wore the brown one to his cousin's bridal shower today and got TONS of compliments on it. I was really flattered. I love getting compliments, they're so nice and sweet! They do wonders for your mood! Anyway, I had a great time at the shower today, it got my thinking about weddings and marriage and all of that. Two, three, four years ago, however long ago it was, I wrote in this very blog that I never wanted to get married. Well, guess what, I do. I do want to get married, not now, not even anytime really soon, but for the first time in my life, I have a man that's absolutely marriage potential. Someone I can see myself with, who sees himself with me. A year ago today, my mom and I went to see Celine Dion in concert here in Vegas. It was a fantastic concert, I'd go again and agian and again and again and pay the same amount I did! It was one of the best evenings of both our lives. Before the concert, my mom and I had dinner at the Italian Restraunt there at Caesar's Palace--we dined on the terrace. We saw a couple getting married, we witnessed a wedding. I remember sitting at that dinner table a year ago today, crying my eyes out at the wedding (we kind of over saw it, we weren't actually invited to it) scared to death that that would never happen for me. I remember literally tearing up and thinking "I don't know that I'll ever have that." I said to my mom on the way out of the restraunt "Mom, I just don't know. Sometimes I wonder if and when that'll ever happen to me." A year later, to the day, I attend a bridal shower at which I'm asked point blank "so, when's yours?" LOL! I don't know when mine is. You'd have to ask my boyfriend. That's exactly what I said too! But, the truth is, no, I'm not ready right now, at this moment. A year from now, I might just be. It's funny how a year ago today I thought that I might never get married, and now, I have this wonderful man in my life who clearly wants to marry me. God Bless him. Does he know what he's getting? LOL! Good and bad. Actually, he's getting an amazing, strong, sweet, loyal and smart woman who'll love him and cherrish him and lavish him forever. Truly. But, when I was thinking today about a year ago today the difference is that in the last year, I put myself out there. At this time last year, I didn't think I'd ever get married because I had never had anyone worth marrying; moreover, I had never really dated, either. I sort of expected my boyfrined or husband to come to me, and that's just not the case. Yes, I agree with not looking too hard and allowing the universe to kind of send you this person; but, you also have to put yourself out there to a point. You have to be open to it, available for it and at this point last year, I wasn't either one of those. So, I decided to date last summer, all summer. I went on about 25 dates, had a short-term relationship with a nice guy. It was great. But, this, what I have with Colin, considering marriage, is so much better. I wasn't looking for Colin when I found him but I was also open to the possibility of him. That makes such a difference. And technically, okay, I was looking for Colin- personally. LOL! He's the only reason I signed back up on EHarmony (where we met!). And I'm so glad I did. But, anyway, my point is, I would've never found my potential husband if I hadn't been open to him and put myself in a position to welcome him into my life. I was ready for a serious relationship. I was ready for commitment. Sure, there are moments when it scares the hell out of me and I think "but what, I'm only 23!" And there IS a lot of pressure from his family and some of mine (grandma!), but you know, in my heart, it's okay. Of course I have doubts about Colin and I, but every couple has issues and every couple has their moments of "oh my god, serioulsy?!" Same with us. Overall though, I believe that Colin is one of the best men I've ever met, and I'm so lucky to have him. I think we do have a chance if we are both willing to work at it. I really do! And so far, we are, and thank God for that! On the way home from the bridal shower today, I heard the song that my very first boyfriend played for me. (Colin's only my 3rd boyfriend over all). I immediately started laughing my butt off and it took me right back to that moment, and truthfully, I smiled about it. But, then, my next 50 thoughts went right to Colin and how INCREDIBLY BETTER this is!!! How much better Colin is! How much better WE are as a couple!!! Sure, I had some nice times with okay guys before, won't say I didn't, but gosh, you know, that all seems so trivial now. It just doesn't really matter anymore. The moments I've shared with Colin far exceed anything before him and the best moments of my life have been with Colin--they really have. I had nice moments before Colin, but I have NICER so much more important, and BETTER moments with him, and the best part is, I get to look foward to a lifetime of those moments. Those wonderfully, impossibly, ridicously, giddy HAPPY moments when all is right with the world. When there is absolutely no one else on this planet except for you and your partner. When nothing else matters. I've had MORE of those types of moments with Colin in the last six months than I ever had with anyone before him!!! And even though hearing that song today made me laugh (let's face it, if we really look at who we picked at certain times in our lives, it's rather comical!), thinking about my life with Colin, so far, right now and up ahead, made me smile from ear to ear. This sense of peace came over me and it just fit. I don't know how else to put that. Like I said, I do have moments where I doubt it and I think "mmm," but those moments are so rare and the moments of peace and happiness far outnumber them. I'm very blessed. Okay, so I have a confession to make: this whole week weddings and marriage has been on my mind. Between Colin's cousin getting married next week and her wedding, and one of my good friends getting married in September and talking with Sarah the other night who is married, come on. So I was talking to my grandma Elizabeth who asked if I'd looked at wedding dresses. And I said "no, please." She goes "why don't you?" I said "grandma, he hasn't even asked." She goes "oh, who cares, you'r ea girl, just look. You've been looking since you were six anyway." Which is very true! LOL! So I did. I think that I didn't allow myself to look before this week because now that Colin and I have passed six months I feel a certain sense of relief about us now, like "okay, we can do this." (I hope and pray for us every day!) But, anyway. So I looked at some dresses. They were nice. Don't get me wrong, I loved it. It was fun. And I do look foward to picking my wedding dress out WHEN THE TIME COMES. However, that time is NOT right now and it's not supposed to be right now. I can look and plan and dream and all of that, but the reality is, it's kind of up to him. Just like I couldn't be rushed into this whole concept, neither can he. We're both not ready just yet, and that's totally okay. But it is fun to dream and scheme and just look at stuff. I am a girly girl and when I was a little girl, I totally wanted to get married. I wanted the wedding, the cake, the dress, everything. I wanted the cute groom to stand beside me and the house and the kids and all of that. Then my parents divorced. I hit a wall and my perception of marriage (thanks in part to my mother) drastically changed. I spent the last 10, 13 years hating the idea of marriage. I wanted a wedding, still, but figured, yeah, well, that'll never happen. But, here I am, 15, 17 years later, and lo and behold, I DO want a wedding and a marriage. See, the more things change, the more they stay the same. My perception of marriage isn't as sugar coated as it used to be. It still scares me and the word "divorce," just.....I don't want to be that. But you know, I can't really gaurantee that I won't. You get married--you do your best, your partner does theirs, you communicate, you compromise, you share. Hopefully, you stay married. But, I can't not get married because I'm afraid of being divorced. I mean there ARE worse things in the world and hey, at least I could say I tried. Of course I don't want to be divorced and I think that's a word that I should take out of my vocabulary when I do get married, but still. Let's face it, I'm a totally committed and loyal person anyway, everyone says I'm the marrying type. So, perhaps they're right. Do you know that admitting this for me is HUGE! Huge! Absolutely huge. But I figured out WHY I want the wedding, and no, it's not JUST so I can be the star like my ex once said to me. Okay, a little bit, yes, what woman doesn't want to be the star on her wedding day? LOL! I digress. Anyway, so much of my life was spent staying alive. Surgery after surgery after surgery. Getting my body to work properly and run right and, while I still have my struggles with that, for the most part, my life is pretty normal now. My health will always be my #1 priority, it has to be, simple as that. It'll always be a battle for me on some level. But, overall, I want the wedding and the marriage and the house because I want some damn normalcy in my life! Being a girlfriend and eventually a wife and having the house and the marriage and all of that, it's NORMAL. It's accepted and to a point, still expected of women (which still irritates me, but oh well). For the first time in my life, I get to be normal and dotted on for something OTHER than my fregin' body and health. Really, that is such a cool thing! So, yes, I want a wedding. So what! Yes, I want to spend more time planning my marriage than my wedding, absolutely. But, I want the wedding. And that's not bad. There, I said it. See, the more things change, the more they stay the same!!! And just for the record, once again, no, I don't need that wedding tomorrow or even in the next 6--12 months. I'm totally willing to wait, but admitting to all of this is a major breakthrough for me and I hope and pray I haven't totally freaked my boyfriend out! LOL! Today was a beautiful day and once again, I'm glad I got up to meet it! Thank you Lord for the wonderful people in my life, my great boyfriend, my willingness to be vulnerable and this computer to write this blog on! Oh and of course, thanks for my family--old and new!!! :) Please continue to bless us all! Goodnight!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. I'm going to go back and read some of my old entries, it'll be interesting to see what I had to say a year, two, three years ago. Or however far back this blog goes. I think I probably had some things very figured out even early on in my life, and then some things, of course, not so much. LOL! This'll be fun! :)

LOL! On 7/9/06, last summer, I wrote "I'm not looking for a husband." Haha! No, I wasn't then, but after dating the rest of the summer and finding out how much it sucked (really!) and how hard it was. Not to mention how positively heartbreaking it can be, yeah, I was totally ready for a potential husband. It didn't take me long to find out that dating wasn't for me and that I was really ready to be done with it! So, in mid-October (after having my heartbroken) I asked God to send me my potential husband. Miralces do happen! :)

Wow! The more things change the more they stay the same is so true! I impressed myself when I just read what I wrote in Jan. of 2006. I was asked "what's the best present you've ever received," and my answer was : "LIFE! Honestly, I'm so blessed to be here, alive and healthy and well and with my family and friends-it's amazing!" Wow! I still feel that way! I guess Colin is right, maybe I am just so damn happy to be alive, and there's nothing wrong with that! I do love my life and it is such a gift! Truly awesome!

From July 2005:
If someone close to you was asked to describe you to someone else, what would be the first 3 things you hope they would mention? That I’m determined, strong and creative!
Today: they would say "you really know who you are, you have a good head on your shoulders and you're a really honest lady." Notice I said LADY. My friends have said that they admire my manners and respect. I hope so, I try at least. My mama raised me to be a lady, so even though I'm always honest and sincere, I try to be tactful and respectful too! I think it's important! But yes, my friends would all say I have a very good head on my shoulders and seem to know who I am. I have a sense of self! That's good too! I hope they would still say I was determined, strong, creative, fun, but those probably wouldn't be in the top three descriptions!

Two years ago today I had a rambling entry about all that was in my mind at that moment. Man! I was pretty stressed! I mean, freakin' stressed and pushed to the limit! I was about maxed out in all areas of my life back then! LOL! I'm in SUCH a MUCH BETTER PLACE TODAY!!! With a much, much, much better man! But even despite that, I was a little--yeah, nuts about two years ago. I worried about EVERYTHING! Man, I kinda feel bad for myself. I just don't worry like that anymore. I really don't. I've totally mellowed out and thank God for that! Geeze, Sarah! Whew! (I still have my moments of pure panic and desperation and of course I have stresses and things to worry about, but I just don't do it all at once. I manage my time, emotions and brain better!!! Thank you Lord for that!)