Capturing (Living & Enjoying) The Moment!

I want to hold onto this moment in my life. I want to grab a hold of it and never let it go.

Despite the stress, copious amounts of money (not really, we're doing this wedding quite thrift-fully) the heated stress-induced, lack-of-real-understanding arguements with my fiancee'.....I am still, loving this moment in my life.

It is a moment like none other.

It makes me want to stop, reflect, look forward and pause all at once. It makes me want to cry tears of sheer joy for the extended network of family & friends that we are both so blessed to have. It makes me want to cry tears of sadness also, because getting married does change everything, and because, well, if we're really getting married (which we are) and old enough to do so, than we must be all grown up.

It makes me want to be a kid again and yet at the same time, leap into every corner of adulthood possible. It makes me want to re-live the joys of being a child, and yet become the most real/honest woman, in every way I know how.

It makes me really miss the ones in my life who have passed on and didn't live to see this moment. It makes me stand in awe of our parents and grandparents; especially our parents. Two very divorced couples coming together for the sake of their children, playing nice and being quite accommodating. It makes me proud to be here, with all of these people, and proud to be HIS fiancee'. (Colin's!). It makes me proud of ME, of how far I've come, the road I've taken to get here and every single experience that's shaped me along the way! It makes me want to jump and down, literally, and leap with joy!

It makes me want to run out and scream "I'm getting married!" Not because it's the world's business or I care about their indivisual opinions, but because, after a long and trecherous abandonment of even the idea of marriage and the absolute fear that used to run through my vieis at the very mention of the word; I finally WANT this.

It hit me today; no freaking out, no fear, just pure and utter joy! I WANT this!

Okay, let me re-phrase that...I've always wanted to marry Colin, ever since he asked. But, it's weird, the closer it gets, the closer we get to actually being married, the less scared and the less odd it seems.

I asked many Brides if they felt nervous leading up to the wedding and they said "no, not really." I get that now! Okay, sure, yes, I'm a TEENY TINY bit nervous, and Lord knows I'll be nervous the day I actually do it. Of course I will. Maybe. Knowing me, I will be; nervous about something; if it's not the marriage part (which it probably won't be), than it'll about some minute detail that is most likely completely out of my control! But, still, I expect a tad bit of nervousness, have none, well, how terrific would that be!?

Alright, I'll level with you; the idea of walking down the idea makes me pretty damn nervous. Not the getting married part, not the walking back up the aisle Mrs. W*** part. Not the dancing and partying with loved ones part. Just the actual physical walk down the aisle, okay, that part, still scares me a bit. That's a long walk and everything is different on the way back and everyone will be looking at me (kind of cool, actually) and oh....once I get up there I'll be fine, but....yeah, walking down the aisle...totally and completely nerve wracking!

It is a HUGE deal, let's not kid ourselves. It's pretty much the biggest deal one can make in life, other than having a child and becoming a parent. But, still, I don't know, it gets easier the closer it gets (the idea of marriage). I think I've mulled it over and gone back and forth about it (but NOT about Colin) enough. I wore myself out enough of all that crappy talk and well....here I am, LIVING the moment, enjoying it fully!

Yes, I've planned my marriage as much as possible. I made a vow to myself long ago that I would plan the marriage more than the wedding, but because Colin & I have already been through so much, together and indivisually, I can now enjoy the planning of the wedding itself! And it is so much FUN! It's such a pleasure and a joy and a privilage! It truly is!

Yes, it is one of THE most stressful, overwhelming, sometimes maddening, exhausting, bitch-inducing things I've ever done; but it's also one the best! (I'm really honestly trying my best to NOT be a BrideZilla, to be the nice, kind LADY that I am. Somedays I pass with flying colors, others, I fail miserably. But hey, that's all part of the process, now isn't it?)

There's a reason you plan a wedding first.

You have to learn how to LISTEN and COMPROMISE and do your best to find a way to make sure you can sort of, kind of, if not fully and completely, understand one another. It's about balancing his life with mine, my friends/family with his, and learning to rise above the petty bologna that is inevitable when embarking on such a large, overwhelming task.

Colin & I are no different than other engaged couples, (Studies show that engaged couples argue more than dating/married couples--even his Aunt & Uncle, now married for over 30 years argued their butts off leading up to their wedding!). we're arguing occasionally; over table cloths and flowers on the archway, and how much time we'll need for photos (A LOT, by the way, sweetheart, it's ME, you're marrying, remember?). But the thing that HASN'T been said or argued about lately? Marrying each other in the end!

We are finding it easier and easier to rise above our mutual bolonga and stubborness (him and I really are two of the most stubborn, pig-headed creatures you'll ever meet--I think 'cuz we're both Capricorns; Goats, locking horns, but I digress) and come to a place of true mutual respect!

We're understanding one another better through the process of planning this wedding, and we're learning what's really important to the other. We're also learning the joy of letting our beloved have it their way once in a while, because it beats the heck out of yelling about it for hours! LOL! No, seriously! Priorities have to be kept straight and if he wants the darn tissue paper in the invitation to be green, than so be it. Fine by me, I really don't care! Him finding the funds to let me get my makeup done the day I'm his official Bride, so sweet! I am so proud of us! We're making progress. We're getting there! And I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd have this much FUN doing all of that! It's not always easy, but it is so worth it!

Yes, I really am loving this moment in my life. Fielding questions and making decisions, organizing, calling, going, doing, getting, checking and re-checking....it's a nice project I've got going here and it's for the best reason of all; marrying my sweetheart! I feel such a peace about that. And I'm loving it--so much!

There are moments when I want to say "forget it, let's elope!" and there are moments when we've said "is it really worth it? (The wedding itself), but it is. Today, when I looked at the backyard that we will be married in, a joy and a happiness filled my heart like I've never known. A peace and a calmness and excitement welled in me, also like I've never known. It is...well, absolutely blissful! As I stood on the grass and surveyed the backyard, envisioning tables and chairs and decorations and all of our loved ones will fill the yard fast; tears welled up.

Then, upstairs, checking out the actual house (I'd never seen it), Colin put his arm around me, and I could feel the love behind his touch. I could feel the happiness that was welling up in him also. And I looked at him and I just saw love. And THAT'S what this is all about. It's about us and our love. I won't lie and say that we always show our love in the best possible way, but today, I heard it, I saw it and I felt it; loud and clear! And I am so damn happy about that you couldn't knock the smile off my face if you tried!

I'm so glad we decided to share this event with family & friends. I truly understand the desire to elope, and those who do, hey, some days I wish I were you; but I know in my heart I will never regret this experience of planning/having a wedding.

That love of mine was right all along! Yes, I do want a wedding, and everything that goes with it too; and the marriage as well, of course; the stressors, the complications, the compromises, all of it...I want it all!

The beauty and the gift of sharing, and pledging to share the rest of, your life with someone is simply uncomparable to anything else in life. It is an experience I will carry with me always. And when the world seems too dark or cold, or inherently unfair, I will remember this moment, and this time. I will remember the love I felt not only for my Colin, but all of our family and friends, the love I felt for myself and most of all, the love I felt for my life as a whole! Thank you, Lord, for it all! I am truly and honestly beyond blessed.

And to my fiancee', thank you for being so quick to forgive me when I'm short and snappy and way too bitchy towards you. The truth is, although I'm in no rush to miss a single moment of this experience, I am looking quite forward to being your wife!

Thank you Lord, for it all! May Your Spirit, and the loving, hope-filled, joyful spirit that IS this moment in my life; may it carry on and live in my heart forever!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. At the risk of sounding like a total, blissfully in-love, stupiditidly happy, "gag me with a pitch-fork," Bride..I wrote a poem about my fiancee' this evening. He was eating ice cream, and for some reason, I found it fascinating. How is it that I find my man eating a bowl of ice cream so intriguing? I have no idea. It just was. Hey, it may be sappy, but if you've ever been in love you know I feel right now. We have the rest of our lives to figure out everything else. Right now, I'm so in the mood to be completely and totally, helplessly in love with my man! And why shouldn't I be? We're planning our wedding! Anyway, I think another reason I wrote this is because, well, I don't see Colin slowing down and savoring food that often. He loves food, as do I, but so often, he just wolfs it down. Two, four, five bites top. So, to see him sit and take his time and enjoy his bowl of ice cream; to watch him let go of the stress that is our life right now (not just that of the wedding)...to witness him get lost in such a simple, but ultimately wonderful, everyday task...it's a rare treat! This is a very personal poem, it doesn't ryme and it may not the best thing I've ever written (I can promise you, it's not), but it's what I saw, and what I felt, at the moment. I hope you can enjoy it for the sensory experience it was, only, and if, instead of my Colin, you find yourself picturing your partner savoring their favorite food-related treat, I'll totally understand! Enjoy!

Colin Eating Ice Cream

Colin eating ice cream-
Three stout fingers hold up the bottom of the bowl
the other two caress its side.
Holding a tiny pink spoon in his right hand,
he searches for the perfect bite.
My grown almost-husband of a man,
eating with a minature pink spoon,
he's such a kid,
in so many ways,
I love that about him.
He spots the perfect bite,
scooping up as much as he can.
Green cream with little flecks of chocolate.
He closes his eyes as his savors the treat.
His most favorite.
The flavors of mint-chocolate chip,
envelope his tounge in a happy dance.
Causing him to relish in its deliciousness
and shake his head in agreement.
As if all he wanted in the
world right now, was this one bite.
Colin eating ice cream,
cross-legged on the couch,
a beautiful Friday night,
content with life.

(C) 2009 Sarah Liz