For Carla...this is why....in loving memory....

I dedicate this entry to:

Ms. Carla Woodward

April 26th, 1956--March 25th, 2007

Unforunately, I have to begin this entry with some very sad news for my family. Early this morning, in the middle of the night, my second-cousin, Carla Woodward, died in her sleep, she was just 50 years old. The link for today is for the month of April, because that was when her birthday was, she would've been 51 next month, and April was her favorite time of year! I've always loved April too! I've also always loved my family, that's a given, and today, I'm reminded of just how special and important they are to me. I know that I sound like an absolute broken record, as I say it all the time, but on days like this, I'm reminded of exactly why I say it as often as I do. Because when this day comes, and our loved ones pass on, we can no longer say it to their face. This is why I AM so darn happy to be alive, every single day. This is why I AM gonig to KEEP saying how much I love, adore and appreciate my family and friends, every single day. This is why I ALWAYS say "I love you," to everyone I talk to, every single time I talk to them. This is why I'm so devout in my faith in God and life and family. This is why I pray, several times a day, for those I love and those I like, every single day. This is why I can sit here, at peace with this, depending on my faith in the good Lord. This is why.

Carla was only 50 years young, entirely too young to die. And while I know that death is a part of life, it doesn't make it any easier. I've not dealt with a death in my own family since May of 1996, when my Grandpa Jim died, I was 12 years old, today, I'm 23, and it isn't any easier. What I can say is this: Carla was in such pain the last few months of her life. She had incredible arthritis and was trying to get off perscription pain killers, but couldn't, because the pain was so horrible. She had good days and bad days; some days she was happy and laughing, others, she was down and depressed. I didn't really get to know her until about a year and a half, maybe two years ago. I didn't get to know her the way my mother, and grandmother, Elizabeth, knew her. To her, they were "cousin Linda," and "Aunt Elizabeth," to me, to them, she was a neice and a cousin, to me, she was a dear sweet friend. Though I didn't know her long enough, the time I spent talking with her on the phone was so awesome. She always reminded me that "God is good, baby," and said "God Bless you," when I was down. She was just getting back into church and her faith was becoming important again. It was a journey we were taking together. We'd call one another and ask questions and verify and hypothesize about our theories on God, faith and religion. I have always believed, and still do, that Carla's mother, Patricia Josephine, was a true Gaurdian Angel for our family. Once again I did not get to know my "Aunt Pat," (although really she was my great aunt, my grandmother's sister), until after she died. I did not know Patti in life, but I've gotten to know her through death. And I always felt Patti's presence around me. I told Carla that a few times and I think it made her a bit jealous, or at least envious. And I didn't mean for it too. But tonight, I sit here with a really good sense of peace (even through my tears) that Aunt Patti and Cousin Carla are together once again. Carla so badly missed her mother, "I miss her all the time, she was my best friend," Carla used to say, well, I believe they have been reunited, and now, my family, we've been doubley blessed, because now we have TWO Gaurdian Angels to look after us. My grandmother said that she talked to Carla last night and she sounded so happy, that's good. I was going to call her myself, but when I looked at the clock it said 7:45pm and since Carla lived in Texas, that meant that it was 9:45pm her time and I didn't want to wake her up. Turns out, nothing could've. It was her time to go. And I really believe that. I believe that we're all destined to move on, and I also believe we move on to bigger and better things (at least I hope so) and I'm glad that Carla (I hope) found peace within herself, and that she's at peace now. I think she is. The lesson is this: this why you SHOULD call up that old friend and say hello, this is why you should tell someone you love them TODAY, not tomorrow, because we've only got today. And we're only here for a little while. That reminds me, my life long crush, Billy Dean, Carla knew who he was and when I mentioned him on the phone last year, she goes "oh yeah, I know who he is, he's cute!" LOL! I couldn't agree more.

All day I was trying to think of a song for this entry, and it just came to me, "Only Here For A Little While," by Billy Dean.

This song, and this entry, is for you, Carla, please rest in peace, you were so incredibly loved, and you will be so severely missed.

Only Here For a Little While

Gonna hold who needs holdin'

Mend what needs mendin'

Walk what needs walkin'

Though it means an extra mile

Pray what needs prayin

'Say what needs sayin'

Cause we're only here for a little while

Today I stood singin' songs and sayin' Amen

Saying goodbye to an old friend who seemed so young

He spent his life workin' hard to chase a dollar

Putting off until tomorrow the things he should have done

Made me start thinking

"What's the hurry, why the runnin'?

I don't like what I'm becoming,

I'm gonna change my style

Take my time and not take it all for granted

"Cause we're only here for a little while

Gonna hold who needs holdin

'Mend what needs mendin

'Walk what needs walkin

'Though it means an extra mile

Pray what needs prayin

'Say what needs sayin'

Cause we're only here for a little while

Let me love like I'll never see tomorrow

Treat each day as though it's borrowed

Like it's precious as a child

Take my hand

Let us reach out to each other

Cause we're only here for a little while.

Last night, I saw a commerical for a "Final Wishes" pamphlet. I thought about calling and ordering it. The thought of planning my funeral seems, well, not odd to me. Tonight I have to wonder if that commerical came on exactly as she was passing, I'm not sure and I'll never know. It really doesn't matter what time she passed, it's the fact that she did. The fact is, death is a part of life. We're all destined to die, someday, some how. And God, I hope I go like Carla did, peacefully, in my sleep. As I talked to Carla's sister, Kelly, today she said that Carla wanted to be cremated. So do I. My entire family is big on cremation. We don't want to be burried. Burrials just never made sense to me. Why would I want to spend eternity in the ground? No thanks.

Aww, how incredibly sweet, my dear, dear, friend, Claudia just called. I called her earlier this evening to tell her the bad news and thank her for being in my life. She has to get up at 5am tomorrow morning, it's 11:14pm and she returned my call. Wow, what a friend! Claudia is a nurse so she sees a lot of death on a daily basis with her job, and her hobby, is singing for a hospice choir, along bed sides of people who are dying. Perhaps that why I called her, of all people, to tell her what had happened. She said she lost a female patient on Friday, that was ALL she said, but I could tell it affected her. The truth is, that could've been me. I'm so blessed and so lucky to be here, alive, pretty semi-healthy. I told Colin today that this is the best time of my life because it's the healthiest of my life. I still have my major problems, always will. And I'm legally disabled. But, all in all, when I look back on my life, these last few years, comparitvely speaking, have been the healthiest. Anyway, back to final wishes. I know I want to be cremated. I do not want to be stuck in the ground for all eternity; first of all, I take up enough space while I'm actually living on this planet, I don't need to continue taking space when I'm dead. And I like to think, that perhaps, if we're creamated, some of our sins and karma are burned right along with it. The first time my mother told me what cremation was I was about eight years old and I said "but, Mama, wouldn't that hurt" she goes "you're dead, honey, you don't feel it." Then and there I decided, "yeah, cremated." NOT anytime soon though, please. I have a lot of life left in me. A real love of life too!!! That's obvious. Anyway, my family isn't big on funerals or services, although I would like one when I die, I doubt Carla will have one. And that's okay. My point is, I think writing our your final wishes is a good idea. Whether or not your family chooses to follow them, well, at least you said your peace and let them be known. Colin and I were talking about that last weekend, I believe. He said he wanted to be shot out of a cannon on a raft in the ocean. Yeah, right, sure, okay, no problem babe. You know what though, if I have the time/money/legal rights to do so, I will. If not, then, he said he didn't care. You know, that's the thing, it doesn't bother me to talk about my own death. But in having that conversation with him last weekend, I realized, I don't want him goin' anywhere, and I know he's not going anywhere away from me willingly. But, still. It would absolutely crush me and break my heart if he died, I don't even like thinking about it. But, I do know that everything is temproary, like my good friend, JoJo, always says. And the fact that I know damn good and well that Colin, my mother and anyone and everyone in my life, whom I love, could be taken from me any day, and will be taken from me eventually, well, it just makes me love them all the more while they're here. The last conversation I had with Carla was on Wednesday afternoon, it was a great conversation too. She was happy and upbeat and said "I love you, baby, you just know that okay" I said "I love you too, Carla, you take care." That was it. I'll never talk to her again. Colin says I still can, he's a smart man, probably smarter than I like to give him credit for, but still, I much prefer two sided, interactive conversations, and I'll never again have that with Carla. And that is the saddest, most suprising part about death. That realization that "I'll never talk to them again, I'll never hear their voice again," for her boyfriend, "I'll never hold her again." Man, I feel for him like no tomorrow right now. He couldn't even talk today he was so distraught. I don't blame him. I told Colin "this is why I say I love you every day and why I want it said every day. It has to be, because there's no excuse not to." It's funny, all day today I kept thinking about Carla and how she spent yesterday. She didn't know (okay, perhaps on some level she did, because I think we all do) it was going to be her last day on this earth. I wondered "well, who did she talk to? What did she do? What was the last thing she ate?" Then I thought about what I did yesterday and I couldn't remember at first. THen I did. I had a wonderful day with Colin. We slept in, went to the Jaguar Dealership to get his headlight fixed, had a little breakfast sandwhich while waiting there, and then went to the Strip and walked around. We grabbed lunch and hung out. He let me go in all the shops I wanted to, and even went in the girly ones with me. Very cool boyfriend he is!!! :) Then we went home and did our own thing for the evening. He talked to his friends on the computer and I watched TV in the living room and talked to my friends on the phone while on the patio. It was just lovely. The weather was gorgeous all day, the glass of wine we shared was good and I got to be with him. I ate great food. I talked to my mom, and grandma. It was a great day. If yesterday had been my last day, I would've been okay with that. Not that we get to do any one day over agian, that's why it's so important to enjoy every single day and live it to the fullest of your pleasure and enjoyment. I try and do that everyday. I don't mean being stupid and jumping off cliffs and going sky diving everyday. I don't mean eating yourself silly into oblivion and being stupid. I just mean, ENJOYING EVERY MINUTE. I've always been able to do that rather easily and that's a blessing in and of itself. My mama taught me that, and Carla's death reminded of it. If today was your last day, is this how you would've wanted to spend it? For today, yes. I got up rather early, went to the breakfast with Colin, and then bowling (I bowled 68 & 61, he scored 134 & 129--not bad), it was fun. Then we went to the mall and looked around a lot. We laughed our butts off at different times....me because we had to go into the little girls' section to look for a skirt for me, whcih you know, is okay when I'm by myself, but when I'm with my boyfriend, who is offering to buy me a piece of clothing and I have to say "we have to go the little girls' section," it's just weird. But, oh well, at least I'm small and in working order. LOL! Anyway, then I laughed at him taking FOREVER to pick out ONE pair of shorts and a shirt, which by the way, he looks sooooooo sexy in!!! :) But, we are never going shopping for him together again. Oh my God. I love my man, he looks really nice whenever we go out, he's got a real sense of style and knows his taste very well, but seriously, I'd rather take teenage girls shopping than him, they'd be done faster. He is the pickiest person ever, I'm never buying clothes for him. But I laughed about it, because what else could I do. It wasn't worth getting mad about, he can do his thing. Like last night, I tototally understood him wanting to chat iwth his friends online while playing his little game. Totally cool wtih me. Do your thing. I don't mind that at all. I actually love that we can do that. "You do wahtever you need to do baby, I'll be here when you're done," that's the attitude we have. We're indivisuals, and as much as we love eachother, we're not connected at the hip, the heart, yes, definately, but not the hip and we don't need to be. It's not healthy to be. But, anyway. After that, we went to In N' Out Burger (sooooo good, I even ate a tiny bit of the burger, I'm normally a vegetarian but they are so good), and then went home and ate it on the living room floor. I love that we can do that--sit there on a weekend afternoon, with burgers or burritos or whatever and sit on the floor of his living room and pig out and talk--together, just us, in the quiet of the afternoon. No one else, just us. Totally cool! I love that! I told him that too! Anyway, after that, I went to the grocery store and came home and saw my mom for a bit. I ate a Dove Ice Cream Bar (Yummy!) and sat down to write what I knew would be a really long entry. All and all, it was a fantastic day! Despite the sad news about Carla's passing, it was a wonderful weekend! And I know that Carla would want us to go on, she'd want us to live each day and remember her and think of her, but to also seize the moment. It was an even better day because of her death, because it reminded me, and I think it reminded Colin too, how lucky we are. We're here, alive, together, hanging out. Sure, we have our moments and perhaps even our doubts, life always holds those, but we love each other. And we just genuinely like each other's company. I didn't see him last week from Monday-Wed afternoon and I missed him A LOT. I snuck over there on Wed. afternoon for about 10 mins, just to see him. I'm so glad I did. You just never know. My point is, I think Carla's death was a good thing because it jolted me back to what really matters. I was mad at Colin last night for some stupid thing, now, who cares. It doesn't really matter. He was there for me today, he held me and hugged me and kissed me and told me it would all be alright. My mom is there for me, s is my grandma, and you know what, I'm there for them. All of them, all the time, 110%. And you know what, I wouldn't have it any other way. Now, I just hope and pray that Carla's death is the last one I experience, or anyone I know, experiences for a long, long time. Colin's grandma, LIz, died in Dec. right when we began dating and that was tough. So, now, we've each had one family member die since we've together, 4 and 1/2 months, and that's enough. Dear God, please, don't take anyone else from either of us for a very, very, very long time! Thank you for him and all of my family and friends! And please, keep Carla by your side and allow her to rest in peace! Thank you Lord for everything!

And once again, on a final note....

Carla, I did write this entry for you. I end it now, like your life ended, with as much peace as possible. And I post the 23rd Psalm for you. I love you!

The 23rd Psalm

The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:He leadeth me beside the still waters.He restoreth my soul:He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

Rest in peace, Miss Carla, God Bless You and Yours!

In Light & Love,

-Sarah Liz