Today I'm Grateful For....

I'm also grateful for: my beautiful new well equipped & working kitchen (LOVE it), DOUBLE sinks in the bathroom I share with my husband! God Bless double sinks! :) The fact that MY side of the sink is purple and he's okay with that! Love you, babe! And also, photographs--of the past, of good times, of people that I love so much! My wedding ring, delicious homemade pizza last night & being an American! Today I am grateful for: the big beautiful sun that shined so brightly in my face as it it rose over the Vegas Valley this morning! Pink nail polish on my fingers/toes! Clear skin! Cutting my hair on my own & saving money doing it--even when no one else wanted in a 1/8 of an inch shorter, sorry, folks, but it is MY hair! Hearing, seeing, breathing without a machine attatched to me and 90* weather instead of 110*! But mostly, I'm grateful for the lifting of the depression I've felt recently, a new attitude and my family & friends who stood by me and walked/talked/prayed me through it all! Thank you so much! :) Things are getting better, one day @... a time.....today is all we have, so let's cherish it and be grateful for each healthy moment we're given--with ourselves, and especially with those we love!

In Light N' Grateful Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

9/11: We Will Never Forget, United We Stand!

One of the best songs ever written, and especially about this monumentous, although tragic occasion, is Alan Jackson's "Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning," It's magnificent. Because it truly captures how we all felt on this day eight years ago.

None of us will ever forget where we were when we heard the terrible news. We remember what we were doing, who we were with and for some of us, even what we were wearing. We remember the great sadness and despair that we felt. The sheer and utter fear of not knowing what was coming next, or if it was. The deepest sense of loss and emptiness. The disbelief that this could even happen to America. It may have happened to America, but it is the one time in my life where I remember the entire world turning out and showing up for America. It didn't just happen to us, it happened to the world, and the world did truly stop turning that day. For a moment in time, and only once in my lifetime, the world--not just America--came together. We were made stronger and kinder and through the most horrible side of humanity, rose the greatest side of humanity. This incredible piece of music and slice of tragic life (of those taken, and those survived) is the link for today.

I think about 9/11 a lot, not everyday, I'll admit. But, lately. And often throughout the year. Although I didn't know anyone personally who died eight years ago today, my heart still grieved for them all. For them and their loved ones. For their parents, sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers and children. For their spouses, their friends and all of their families. I grieved right along side the rest of this country.

I was in my room, sleeping in my single day bed. My mom woke me up with these words "we're at war," and the rest of the day was lived in a fog. No one knew quite what to say, how to act, or what to do. Everyone at school was quietter and more guarded, but also nicer. It was weird. The following month I fell into a serious depression like the rest of America, and I can see why. You couldn't not be depressed about the events that took place. It was just horrible. I still can't watch coverage of it, because my eyes still fill up with tears and my heart just breaks. The images of people falling out of burning buildings, airplanes and high story windows are images I will never forget. Images of firefighters and EMT's and everyday people trying to save one another--literally. They are all forever ingrained in me.

I think that although the events that transpired eight years ago today were awful and tragic, we have truly risen from the ashes. And the days following, we stood United and strong! There was just something different about that Autumn in 2001. It was a kinder, gentler America that was doing its best to pick up the pieces together. It is my sincere hope that we can remember and reignite that feeling this Autumn. It is my sincere hope that with all the criseses that this country is facing eight years later; healthcare, economy, war--that we can once again learn how to stand United. That we can put out differences aside and celebrate everything that is good and true about this great nation--despite all of the bad. And it is my hope that no one ever forgets what went on eight years ago today. That people use it as an inspiration for a better life, for a more focused life, and for a more cherished life--for and of, yourself and those you love.

Thank you, Lord, for the healing, the strength that came from terror and most of all, for the last eight years since where there was no repeat event.

9/11/01: We will never forget. May all the heroes & sheroes and angels of the day rest in peace, as well as those that became angels. To those who participated in negative ways, Karma's a bitch. Let's remember the fallen, and always remember...UNITED WE STAND! God Bless America!

In Light & American Love,
-Sarah Liz

Turns out...I still don't like August...and honestly, August 2009 was one of the worst of my life!

I promised myself that I wouldn't write anything negative today. I'm trying to get back to my old self and be all positive and optimistic. But on August 1st I wrote about how I don't like August, and that perhaps, this August will change that perception. Well, I was wrong. This last month (August 2009) was one of the most difficult of my life. It was a time like none other and although I'm truly grateful for the lessons and the growth and the strength and blessings it ultimately brought--I am so glad it's over and I would never do it again! Sometimes, I'm glad we can't rewind life.

Colin and I got a car that turned out to be one of the worst mistakes we've ever made. It was an absolute nightmare and we don't even have the car, to this day! I can't talk much more about right now because of private reasons, but all I can say is--DO NOT go to Findlay Kia of West Sahara in Las Vegas!

We moved, the move was a nightmare. Completely a nightmare! It ended up taking FIVE days, two of which my mom was in the hospital. We ended up having to move most of our stuff ourselves in our cars (one of which we dind't have, remember!).

Colin and I both could not get access to our meds that we so desperately needed, and so we spent most of the month taking turns going crazy on each other. Okay, mostly it was me going crazy on him and him being a real man and making it all better. But, still. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks and stress. It sucked.

My mom had a stroke. Granted, it was a small one, a TIA as they called it. But it was right in the middle of moving and it was absolutely one of the scariest things I've ever seen. She was not the nicest patient in the hospital and her and I spent most of her time there arguing over whether or not she needed to be there in the first place. Which she did. And she realizes that now, thank God! She's okay, but it was horrible. Absolutely horrible.

Money--not having enough coming in, too much of it going out. Not different from anyone else's plot right now, but it sucked. Totally, utterly sucked.

Grandma being in and out of the hospital--BOTH of them, for different reasons. Thank the good Lord, and He is good, (sorry if I questioned you, Lord, though I always knew you were there!), they're okay now. They're both at home resting comfortably and recooperating nicely!

Having things broken and completely not working in our new place. Oh, and having no Internet, and no way to get it, for 10 straight days. How did we ever live without it? Oh, and also, not getting our mail for seven days so we were late on bills. But without the Internet, we couldn't have paid them on time anyway.

All and all, August just SUCKED! I'm sorry, but it did. And again, I'm glad it's over. Things ARE improving, medications are back and working and everyone ended up alive and well.

All's well that ends well I guess, but I never want to have so much crap happen in the span of 30 days again. No thank you, Lord. I've quite enough strength and character for now!

Thank you, though, dear Lord, for getting us through it all. For helping us dig our way out of our mutual and personal ruts. And for shinning Your light on all of us so that we could see how grand You really are! For forgiving us when we questioned you, for showing us tremendous grace and mercy. And for being a loving, supporting, never yeilding God who needed to prove that You take care of everything--on Your timeframe. Most of all, Lord, thank for letting everyone live. For the sheer miracles You made happen and keeping us all alive and well through it all!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

I would make a great mom!

I have a confession to make, and if my husband reads this, I hope he doesn't freak out! But, every time I see a pregnant lady lately (and there are so many of them) I sigh. I look. I yearn....

And it has finally occurred to me (perhaps not for the first time) that I would make a great mom! How do I know? Well, for starters I have a great mom of my own who has led by example of how all great moms should be! And she too, had a great mom! They kind of run in my family!

So, yes I'm 25, newly married and I've got baby-fever. There, I said it. My body definitely wants to make a baby; however, I can absolutely differentiate between my baby-fever and yearning for actual motherhood. Yes, I DO want a baby...however, I am not sure yet about the toddler/child/teenager/adult child that comes after it.

I mean, it's a LIFE LONG responsibility. You can't leave your child (well, at least, you shouldn't), you can't divorce your child and once you have them, there is no returning them. (Not that you'd want to, although I hear that when the child turns 2, many moms spend their days thinking "What was I thinking?") When you have a child, your life becomes ALL about them--at least at the end of the day. Sure, many moms are great at taking time for themselves, and that is so important to do. (I would be one of those!) But at the end of every day, every mom I know lives their life for their kids. Their kids dictate how they live and sometimes where they live. They kids affect the decisions they make, the places they go (or don't go) and ultimately, why they live. The latter of which, is a fantastic thing! To whole heatedly be able to give THAT much of yourself to someone, usually without condition (if you're doing motherhood right, that is), is simply AMAZING to me! And while I can tend to be a selfish person, I do believe, that for my child (if I had one), I'd give of myself without reservation.

I would do it because I would love my child more than anything, or anyone else on this planet. would do it because they would change me, in an amazing way, so profoundly that I would probably not remember what it was like without them. I would do it because all children deserve that kind of love--to be loved and know they're loved. It makes all the difference in the world. And I would give to my child because it is the motherly thing to do.

Sure, I would mess up my kid. Don't get me wrong. EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY MOM DOES! They all mess up in some way, so do dads. Parenting is THE single HARDEST, most challenging job there is. And it's truly NEVER-ENDING! (Just ask mine and Colin's parents!) I would do some things wrong and I probably give my kid plenty of reasons to sit on a therapists couch when they're twenty-five going, "do you KNOW what my mother did?"

But overall, I don't think I'd mess up my kid anymore than anyone else ever has. I don't think I'd mess it up royally. I don't think I'd be a complete failure as a mom, even if at times, I felt like it. Because that's what I hear, I hear that moms are never quite sure if they're doing right--and they're always second guessing themselves. That must be hard. I've noticed a competitiveness between mothers and I find it sad. What is good for one mom and her child, isn't necessarily good for another? You know. It's just like what's good for one (married) couple isn't necessarily good for the other.

But, still, I would be a great mom!

I would be a great mom because I have a tremendous capacity to love! I truly love those that I do and I do so with all of my heart, one hundred and ten percent! I would be a great mom because I do love putting a smile on other people's faces. I would be a great mom because I'm a great cook and my child would never go hungry and grow up knowing and loving fresh, nutritious, fun food! I would be a great mom because I would do a few things differently than my own mom did with me. Not a lot. I would be a great mom because I would instill the same morals and values that my mom instilled in me. I would be a great mom because I love to play and have absolutely no problem singing/dancing or being silly--in front of God and everyone! I'm the girl who dances in the grocery store, come on! I would be a great mom because I am spiritual and realize that children are ultimately a gift from God, and one of His greatest gifts at that. I would be a great mom because I would teach my child to know and love his/her God--however he/she decided to perceive It. I would be a good mom because I would show my children that sometimes, you have to look out for numero uno--yourself. I would be a great mom because I'm a fighter, and a survivor, and I would show my children how to survive and even thrive, in this big ole world! I would be a great mom because I follow through with what I say--good or bad, yes or no, I follow through--I really do. And I'd probably follow through most of the time with my child. At least I think I would. I would be a good mom because I would do my best (like most moms do) to raise my child in a peaceful, loving and accepting environment where their individuality could grow. Our home wouldn't be a free for all without rules or standards, but I would (mostly likely, hopefully)never tell my child they don't have a right to feel whatever way they feel. I would be a great mom because of this. I would be a great mom because I believe in discipline. I believe in teaching children right from wrong, teaching them compassion and humanity. Teaching them diligence, determination and humility. I would be a great mom because my child would know that they are loved, and supported. I would be a great mom because my child would also know that family is EVERYTHING. And although they may drive you crazy at times, you've got to cherish them while they're here. I would be a good mom because I would strive to be equal with my love, affection, standards and discipline. I would be a great mom because I would try to be fair--because my mom always tried to be fair with me. I would be a good mom because I love to cuddle, hug and show affection. My child would grow up with lots of hugs! I would be a great mom because I care about the environment, and I would teach my child that our time on this planet is limited, and so are our resources. I would teach them that it's important to tread lightly on it. I would be a great mom because I would teach my kid so much; through example, through trial and error, through physical tasks and emotional sharing! I would be a great mom because my child would know that although my world revolves around them; the rest of the world won't. And they'd better get used to it now. I would be a good mom because my child would be shown how blessed they are, every day, and would be reminded that an attitude of gratitude is the greatest thing we can have in this life--and that it will get you farther than anything else. I would be a great mom because I have ALWAYS loved children and they seem to literally gravitate towards me. I would be a great mom because I have a sheer strength within me that is an absolute requirement for motherhood. And I would be a great mom because I have a lot of love, life and lessons to teach another person--especially a child.

I don't want to be a mom right now, and truth be told, I don't know if I will ever be one. And if I'm not, I will have to accept that. There are tons of great reasons NOT to have children. There are people who never had them and are totally satisfied with the way their lives turned out. There are also plenty of people out there who really wish they'd never had kids. And I don't judge them. Some people say that not having children is selfish, I can't say I agree. Sometimes, if you know you don't have a maternal (or paternal) instinct, it's okay. If you know you cannot afford them because you are barely heating, eating and scraping by yourself, it's okay. If you know your health--whether mental or physical--would consistently interfere with your parenting abilities, it's okay. If you know that you enjoy your time & money too much, it's okay. If you are having children because you need someone else to love you back unconditionally. Because you want to improve your marriage. Because you don't want to be alone in old age. Because you want something to do, or because you feel you need a clear cut direction in life that ultimately ends up doing nothing but hindering your direction in the end, than I say, please, DO NOT have children. There are plenty of people out there who should not have had them. Trust me. (None that I know, though!) Sorry, but it's true. So, I'm all for NOT having children...but I'm also all for having them if you want.

And I think I want them. Well, just one. I go back and forth on this, and have for most of my life. That's probably a good reason not to have one right now, don't you think? Like doubt means don't. Like Oprah once said about having kids "I think I need to think a little longer." I'm not a huge Oprah fan, but I totally agree with the way she put it. Of course, at a certain age you have (or at least, you SHOULD), decide for good whether or not you're having children. I think after a certain point it's like, hey, you're either going to have them or you're not. But luckily, I'm only twenty-five, and the way I see it, I still have a good 5-10 years to keep thinking about it. And I will. Very passionately, and very carefully!

Motherhood should not be done on a whim, although when it is, it can be, and often is, the most beautiful, biggest blessing ever and all the "surprise" mothers that I know have completely risen to the occasion and then some--including my own! That all said, although I know I would make a great mom, I do know I need to think a little longer.

There are so many times in my life lately where I have been SO glad I do NOT have a child. They take up SO much of your time, space, money and everything else. Children can get in the way of a lot of things--work life, social life, sex life. Somehow that last one bothers me the most. But, I digress. The moms that I know don't eat/sleep or doing anything unless their children already have. (And that is a great thing, by the way!) They don't go out, they don't buy new clothes, they don't drive fancy cars. None of which I do already, but still. Perhaps that's why I'm thinking about being a mom so much lately. I can totally picture it. I can totally see myself as a mother. I've always been very motherly. I have a caring, nurturing instinct, I really do. It doesn't always show up when I need it to, but I know I have it. I've seen it, felt it and been told I have it. In fact, I'm told often to "quit being such a mother to me, Sarah." That's not so fun, I'm working on it. Anyway, kids change everything. They really do, and I've had enough changes lately, so not right now. But still, I would make a great a mom! I know some pretty fantastic mom--they have set the bar high for me should I ever become a mom myself! But, that being said, I am glad I don't have a child of my own right now. There's too much else going on in my life, too much that is in need of my time, attention, finances and adoration. And that's okay. It's not my time right now. And I know that. If and when I'm supposed to be a mom, I will be. Just like when I was supposed to do everything else in my life, I did.

For now, I am totally content to leave the option of being a mom up in the air! I am totally content to live my life as a newlywed and childless young adult! And to be honest, even though motherhood has been on my mind a lot lately, I truly question whether or not I would want to bring a child into THIS world in the crazy, messed up condition it's in. How in God's name would I explain this? I don't even understand it fully myself? And lately, with all the stress of adult life, I'm not sure I'd want to put somebody else through all of this. Yes, life is great & blessed and wonderful--but it's also a bitch, and I don't think I'm ready to be responsible for putting another human being through the threshold of hell that life can sometimes bring.

But I would be a great mom! It's not just my opinion....my mommy friends have all said so. My own mother, grandmother and father have said so. And most of all, my husband has said so. My parents especially are big proponents of me becoming a mom. They aren't pressuring my husband and I, thank God, but they do know that I would be a great mom. They do know that I would love my child fiercely, teach them love, hope, positivity. They know that I would be strict with my children and follow through (most of the time) but that my child would know I did it all out of love. (Like most all parents do!). They know that although my health at times would interfere occasionally, as it does in every other aspect of my life as well, that when I was healthy enough to be an active mom, I'd be a great one! And that means so much to me! For my parents to be sure enough that they raised (okay, mostly my mom raised me) a good person, a human being decent enough to bring up another human being--that's just pretty cool!

And if/when I become a mom, if I'm ever half the mom that my mom has been, I'll be doing pretty darn well!

I'll be a great mom if/when the time comes! For now, I'll just stick to being a great wife, a great daughter, a great sister and a great friend--or at least striving to be.

Here's to all the lovely & amazing fantastic moms out there! You totally rock and keep this world running! I bow down to you in admiration, appreciation and oh my god--how DO you do it?!--validation!

Thank God for moms!

In Light N' Motherly Love,
-Sarah Liz :)