I've decided....

That I'm confidant in the decisions I'm making in my life.

That I'm alright, and I'm okay.

That even though I have "off" days where I'm not quite as adorable as I am on other days, that I'm a human being who deserves (not more so, or more than anyone else) love, health and happiness!

That in the moments when I miss my Grandma the most, if I'm still and quiet, I always know what she would want me to do, and/or what she told me to do. And that if I stop the tears long enough to tune in, she is still very much with me.

That I can totally pass my Algebra Class, even though I may not "get" all of it. I'm doing my homework, trying my best and giving it my all! That's all I can do, the rest is up the Universe, and I believe the Universe will reward my mathematic efforts!

That Algebra isn't that different than balancing a checkbook, budgeting for groceries or making change for someone at work. As it turns, we kind of DO use it, sometimes. I still don't like the letters and numbers mixed together, but oh well. I'm not so special that I get out of learning what every other college student had to learn too!

That my Creative Writing Class might not be what I'd hoped for, but it's still a class about writing (duh!) where I can learn a lot if I so choose to. So I'm going to give my all to that as well!

That friendship is one of my life's most precious and beautiful gifts. And when you have the kinds of friends that inspire you to BE a better friend, you're doing something right and you are truly blessed!

That seeing people smile and laugh is one of my all-time most favorite things in life--period, ever! The joy I get from seeing others smile and laugh--whether in person, whether know them or not, or even on TV, it's just amazing how great it makes you feel! I love seeing others happy and joyful, it's awesome!

That my best friend getting married is one of the coolest, most fun parts of my life right now, and I'm just so glad it's her planning a wedding this time and NOT me! Love you, Tess!

That my mom and I are two very different, and yet very similar, people who have to respect and honor our differences. We are here to teach each other a tremendous amount and to allow our mutual stubbornness or inability to put ourselves in the other persons' shoes is not going to let us get the most out of our relationship! The mother-daughter relationship can be the most complicated there is, but since she just lost her mother, I think I'm going to shine a lot on and just enjoy my own mother as best I can!

That Valentine's Day is NOT just for romance--it's about LOVE--all sorts and types of love. Family love, friendship love and of course, romantic love. Love is what sustains us and fills us up and what makes us get out of bed in the morning! It is a choice and an action, not a "feeling" and every day I am humbled by the overwhelming amount of love (both given and received) I have in my life! :) I'm so grateful for it!

That it's okay to not always be positive and perky and upbeat. That I can have those "down" days like I mentioned earlier, but that after a few days, it's time to suck it up, put on my big girl pants and remember that life is what I choose for it to be!

That my choices are my own. I don't owe anyone an explanation for the choices I make, but when I'm making them, I had better be able to face the effects (good and bad) that follow them.

That I don't regret one single day I've ever spent with anyone in my life! That everything and everyone happens for a reason, and a lesson. And that everything that has happened to me thus far in my life has been a blessing because I've been able to learn and grow from it.

That it's pretty damn awesome that I can see life like I just stated! And that I really wish more people saw it that way!

That I need a new cell phone--not because I want something new, but because I'm tired of it cutting off and acting weird. I'm trying to simplify my life, not complicate it. All I want is a phone that works, and I don't think that's asking too much.

That I'm okay with not knowing the reason for everything, and also, that I'm okay with not knowing the "how" of everything. Someday, I might know why and how, but it's okay if I don't right now.

That the power of Meditation is downright awesome and that learning how to further tap into that is just amazing!

That I don't need to be a vegetarian right now, a little beef here and there IS okay. As long as I don't go overboard, why not enjoy life? Total deprivation only leads to negativity.

That I'm going to take a trip this year--or maybe 2--to where I'm not sure yet, but I'm going on a vacation! Why? Because I can and because I've earned it!

That Colin was right in saying that vacations aren't a luxury, sometimes, they're a necessity!

That I'm blessed to have all five of my senses, a job, a warm home and good, good sleep lately!

That a lot of what I just wrote isn't anything new, but that I'm glad I took the time to post it!

Thank You, Lord, for everything! You rock!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

I'm Still Here...

I'm still here! Life is changing constantly and moving at an incredible pace, I am busier than I have been in a long time. I'm still writing, I'm just not posting. Admittedly, I wish I was writing more, but since I am currently enrolled in a Creative Writing Class, my personal writing has not ceased to exist.

As you can tell from my previous entry, my grandma Elizabeth died on January 11th. I dealt with it better during the first week after her death than I am dealing with it right now. She prepared me for it, more than anyone, we knew it was coming and it is better this way because I know she is absolutely in a much better place. The best part is, she is no longer suffering, that brings me such comfort and peace because to be honest, I did not realize how much her being sick (with Alzheimer's and her physical ailments as well) bothered me. I knew I carried that weight around for a long, long time, but I did not realize how heavy that weight was until she passed on. That being said, I can be as logical and as spiritual about it as I want to be--and most days I am--but that does not change the fact that she is never coming back. My grandmother was one of my best friends, my spiritual mentor, my confidant and not a day goes by that I do not think of her, and miss her. Last night, I cried for an hour and all I could say was "I want my Grandma, I want my Grandma." That is normal though, and even though I grieved for her for a long time before she actually died, it is a NEW normal. It is a complete re-adjustment to life without her. It's still good, it's still beautiful and blessed and miraculous! I feel her presence with me all the time, and I know she is one of my Gaurdian Angels. That also gives me peace and comfort. But, the reality is, my life is forever altered and forever different. No matter how good or how bad (and it's pretty much all good) my life is from now on, my grandma is not there for me to pick up the phone to call. Her husband is, and I'm so grateful for that The time I was able to spend with him (and my mom and my Uncle) when I went up to Reno for Grandma's service meant a lot to me. I am tremendously grateful for all of my family and friends, that circle just got a little smaller, that's all. Out of everything I'm dealing with right now, the death of my grandma is one of the most difficult things I've ever faced. But, that does not mean I'm not facing it. I'm feeling what I need to feel, giving myself time to heal. Death is not a bad thing, it is a relief and release of pain--most of the time I find myself shedding tears of gratitude at the sheer awesomeness that I got to be her grandaughter. And I know the very best thing I can do now is live in a way that would make her proud, and enjoy each moment of my life as best I can. So, here's to you, Grandma, I love you and I miss you. Thank you for continuing to teach me about life and love, even after you've died.

In other news, I'm back in school! Taking that Creative Writing Class I talked about earlier AND Math 093--Pre-Algebra. Which, so far, I am totally understanding! Yay God! Sincerely, I am really "getting it" in math class so I'm very relieved. Like anything else, if I just apply myself, I know I can do it!

I was going to get a new car, but that deal didn't work out, so I've resigned myself to letting the new car and being okay with taking my old car back. The way I have to look at it is, at least I have a car! And I'm so grateful for that!

Work is going well, I'm working 3 or 4 days a week and when I'm there, I work as hard as I can! I'm so blessed to have a job, to have had a job for almost a year and a half now and I have the absolute best co-workers and bosses anyone could ever ask for, so all is well there! :)

The support from my family and friends that I have received lately is humbling and encouraging. There is so much going on, so much changing, but I'm handling it all quite well. I'm doing my best to roll with it and enjoy each day the best I can. Life is different, and it's not perfect, but it sure is worth it. I feel confidant in my decisions lately and making the best of every situation that I can. Despite my "down" days and moments of doubt, which I think we all have those.

I am taking a very interesting scientific based meditation class and I'm so looking forward to all that that entails!

On a side note, today was my original due date when my mother was pregnant with me. Obviously, I came 6 weeks earlier, and to the day! I'm glad my birthday's in December but February is such a beautiful month that having a birthday today would've been okay. I'm not a fan of the #6 though, and I never have been, so perhaps that's why. I just had so much to do in this life, and I really wanted to be here, obviously, so I guess I wanted an early start! Even to this day, I despise being late for anything! Go figure!

Anyway, I'm glad I came into the world when I did, but I also like to do something special for myself on this day, Feb. 6th. I've not decided yet what I'll do today, but I'm thinking the box of Girl Scout Carmel Delites that I polished off this morning, might count as my something nice for the day! I'm amazed I'm not nauceous, I normally don't/can't eat like that--LOL!

Anyway, I just wanted to post and give an update. It wasn't as quick of an update as I had planned, but it rarely is.

I hope everyone is fabulous 2011 so far! If I don't write again for a while, it's because I'm so darn busy and have so much going on! Not too much though, and I am taking time to rest and relax!

Thank You, Lord, for beautiful weather, a car to drive, a roof over my head, amazing family and friends and all the other blessings I have.

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

In Memorial: Elizabeth Harris, my Grandma

Elizabeth Harris
11/1930--1/11/2011

Beloved Wife, Mother and Grandmother

Creative, wise and loving.

Gifted with her hands,

strong in her beliefs.

Immeasurable in the contributions she made to our lives.

A woman of courage and inspiration.

Her Light remains together,

Her Love remains forever.

(C) 2011 Sarah E. Doan

So Happy: Going Back to School!!!

Truth be told, I woke up this morning in a foul mood. I didn't sleep too well, had weird dreams and could've slept in a lot longer than I did. (I woke up later than I'd planned.)

HOWEVER....

I decided to get up, take a shower and put my best foot forward.

I came to the school today (CSN) with a smile on my face. Usually, I'm not the biggest fan of CSN--but this semester--their service has really improved!

I think the drop in attendance kinda forced them to get their act together.

Anyway, I came in here today with a good attitude. And I'm so glad I did.

I left my house this morning with one heck of a lot of patience and and a lot of time to kill. (See, school is already teaching me lessons in patience! LOL!)

I was fully prepared to wait in various lines here for hours and hours--because that's usually how it goes around here. BUT....

I am more than happy to report that in all, all of my "school business" took just 90 minutes!

An hour and a half, folks--how cool is that! That's all the time it took to pay my bill, get my books and talk to three or four different people--all of whom were as nice as pie!

I can barely believe it, I'm so blessed!

(This shorter than expected wait time today, along with friends, Discount Tire and great food & fun the last 11 days is making this year so great! :)

I am so glad I changed my attitude on the way over here--and that I'm not letting my "trapped in a cage" no time to myself in my own darn house--feeling, get to me.

I am bothered by the fact that I literally have not had the house to myself (for five minutes) since Dec. 16th, almost a month ago--but I'm so glad that I'm not letting that seep into other areas of my life! Yay!

I'm so happy that I'm going back to school--this takes COURAGE--which is one of my goals for 2011--as you all know!

I'm taking Math and Creative Writing--the math I know will be hard at times, but I also know that I can totally do it! The Creative Writing Class I've wanted to take since I started college 11 years ago--so it's about damn time!

Again, I'm so proud of myself for having the courage to put myself back out there and take control of my future! I'm EVEN MORE GRATEFUL that this isn't costing me an arm and a leg, and I live in a country where Higher Education (even if it as a Community College) is available to me! Yay God!

Oh, and also, my books--they didn't cost too much either! I was pleasantly surprised and get this--NOW you can RENT books! What will they think of next? Actually, I want to know why they didn't think of this MUCH earlier, but I digress.....

Anyway, sincerely, I'm so happy that everything worked out concerning my schooling and I'm so glad I'm here!

I am super excited for my classes to start in around two weeks!

Yes, I'm a little worried about how I'll balance it all; work, school, homework, personal life, me time, etc....

But I know I will.

God never gives us more than we can handle and I really feel like school is where I'm supposed to be right now.

I'm so happy to be going back to school, excited for all the new things I'll laern (in & out of the classroom), all the new people I'll meet and the fun experiences I'll gain!

That being said, I do feel kidna old.

I know 27 is NOT old, but it's certainly not 18 or 20, or even 22 for that matter. Not that I'd actually want to be any of those ages again, but I am older than many of the other students here. That's okay, though, it's not like I look 40 or anything. LOL!

Anyway, I am really loving 2011 so far. I really am learning--again--that WHAT I MEDITATE UPON I BECOME!

Where I put my mind and my thoughts is EXACTLY what ends up happening!!!

I miss my grandma A LOT the last two days, but I know that she would want me to go on and live my life and enjoy it--and that's exactly what I'm doing!

This year has been so fun so far, and really working out! Yesterday, I could've flipped out (worried needlessly) over a few things, but I didn't--instead, I remained calm and realized that I would get out of the situation what I put into it! And I did!

Half of life is really just showing up--I'm glad I'm showing up. It's so nice (that lately) I have so much to show up for!!!

I need to go and do other things now--but I am just so blessed!

I'm also happy to have things working out for me and to be excited about life again!

I KNEW great things would happen this year, and so far, I was right--well, actually, it's just God blessing me even further. It's just Him showering me with even more be thankful for, which I am--tremendously, absolutely grateful! So, thank You, Lord, for it all!

Here's to a terrific week, oh and Happy Birthday to Naomi Judd today--definitely an inspiring woman there! Here's to many more fantastic years, Naomi!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. There are a few other things totally bothering me right now--I am fighting depression a bit--BUT...I'm just staying busy, breathing, eating right (except for the MeatLoaf binge over the weekend) and "fakin' it 'till I make it". I really do need to stay focused on ALL that IS right and good and fair in my life! I NEED to keep counting my blessings--even in face of adversity--and let's face it, my adversity is not that adverse right now. So, really, it's all good! Life is what you make it, at any age, and so far, for me--27 rocks! :)

So Much Fun: Mom's Delicious Meatloaf, Time with Friends, & Enjoying Life!

To be honest, I'm in a meat coma right now, yes, you heard me right--a meat coma. I've eaten more meat in the last 24 hours than I have in a long, long time.

I used to be a vegetarian, I'm not anymore. (And I am so glad I'm not!)

Go ahead and judge me, or cheer me on, I really don't care--all I know is I'm not a vegetarian right now because I don't feel like being one.

Will I be one again someday? Probably, yes. I certainly have much more energy when I don't eat meat, but....

My mother made a huge meatloaf last night and it is so good, I literally have eaten half the loaf in 24 hours.

I know, I'm supposed to be a person who can exert some self control, but this meatloaf is so darn delicious that it reminded me of everything I love about my mom's cooking. You all think I can cook, this is why--she is why--because I learned from the very best--my mom, and my grandma.

Seriously, folks, my mom cooked all the time when I was growing up. Real, fresh, homemade food. And she made many meat loafs too, but NONE like this. The meatloaf my mom made last night is hands down, one of the most delicious, amazing things I have EVER put in my mouth. It's one of those "meals" I'll remember forever--seriously!

To top it off, she made a side of sauteed squash and eggplant, which was equally delectable! But, since I tried the meatloaf first and was in absolutely seventh heaven, when I opened the bowl of veggies I thought "I don't really want these," Yes--ME! (Then I thought 'this must be what other people think about veggies') was more into the meat than the veggies--go figure! But, once I tasted the veggies, my oh my--I was IN LOVE!

Each time I've had a slice of meatloaf today (three times so far) I've had a HUGE side of veggies too! So, I don't feel so bad. LOL!

This is SO unlike me, I'm NOT a huge meat eater. And as a former vegetarian, I do feel tremendously guilty about eating what is essentially--ground cow--but man oh man does it taste GOOD! This is a total 180* switch from my food habits a year or two ago.

But, my pallet is changing, I guess. I don't want to become a meat-loving, veggie disliking person--at all, I still LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my veggies, and still prefer them over meat. But, all I'm saying is, right now,--my goodness--my mother's meatloaf is pretty much as good as it gets! So, thanks, mom!

In all fairness, my mom doesn't cook too often anymore, and if and when she does, she makes her usual hash browns--which I also love and adore. It's totally fair that I do most of the cooking for her now--she pretty much made my every meal for me the first ten years of my life. But, once in a while, when she DOES cook, and I get to taste a remnant from my childhood. That's when I'm glad fully reminded just how awesome of a cook my mother is--and it brings me such joy!

Really, don't most people love their mom's cooking? I certainly do!

Aside from the meat-induced coma I'm in right now, I'm just plain tired.

I'm tired from the TREMENDOUS FUN I've had so far this year! Granted, we're only 10 days in, but so far, it's been SO FUN! I have had the most fun at work, with my co-workers and bosses; with my friends and their kids; with my home-life and celebrating birthdays. It's been just fantastic!

Sure, it's had its difficult moments, but overall, so far, 2011 is the most fun I've had in a long time! I'm working hard (as hard as my body will let me that is, which isn't very, admittedly) and playing hard, and yet, making time to relax (I have to!).

I have places to go, things to do and people to see--and I'm in demand! Even though at times, I feel a bit overwhelmed with it all, I gotta say--it's so nice to be needed and wanted.

It's nice to know you make a difference in peoples' lives, that people count on you for certain things, that people want your advice and opinions and that people will listen. It's equally--no better--to spend time listening to them! I just love it!

I am having so much fun so far this year that I can barely believe it! I am tired at night but at least I fall into bed, tired, from an honest days work--whether that was work in the form of my job or my relationships. I take time to rest, like I said, I cannot not do that--I'll wind up sick if I don't stop and rest. But, honestly, my life is busy enough again to need a planner--and while I do schedule time to relax and have "free/me" time--it's nice to be busy again!

It's so nice to be enjoying each day like this, and having this much fun!

Today, I went to a movie with my mom ("Country Strong" it was not what I thought'd it be, but it was good anyway), and before that, I sat on my bedroom floor and sang as the sun was going down. Last night, I went to the Cosmopolitan Casino and was amazed by a casino (which doesn't happen as I was literally in the womb in one). The day before that, I got to hang out with some good friends and their amazing kids. I've also spent A LOT of time on the phone (and emailing back and forth) with Tessa planning her wedding--that too is SO much FUN!

I am so blessed--I am getting to have fun with people, and myself and just be busy. I'm not so busy I don't take time to stop. I'm not so busy that I'm missing out on the little things.

For instance: the stars in the nighttime sky a week ago tonight were positively awesome! Seeing the actual stars in Vegas is such a rarity because it's so bright here--we're literally the brightest spot on Earth! The star gazing I did in the middle of the night on Jan. 3rd was just fabulous!

I'm enjoying my coffee, my hot showers, Cetaphil Lotion (my new favorite beauty product), my leisurely winter baths, the drives to and from work and fantastic new music (I got CD's for my birthday/Christmas, remember?). I'm enjoying talking with my friends. I'm (enjoying) spending time with people I love. Which is one of my goals for 2011--I did a lot of that in 2010 and wanted to continue it, because in all honesty--it's the only thing we can give and never regret having given--our time with precious loved ones! I'm enjoying singing, and eating, and listening!

There IS room for it all, if I do a bit of it all. Not everything, I still have to pick and choose just what it is I'll do in a day--we all do. But, I'm finding a balance, I'm finding peace and health and courage and kindness.

So, ten days in, 2011 is pretty good. I know that what I sit here and thank God for, I will inevitably get more of! I know that the rest of the year will be what I make it out to be.

My greatest hope is that I continue to have this much fun--every single day--and that I continue to enjoy it this much, because I really am!

Just for the record, I'm having clean fun, as always. I'm not down on the strip partying my butt off or clubbing around. I'm working and doing chores and what not. But, I find it all so fun--that's all! (Well, maybe cleaning my toilet isn't so fun, but hey, at least I have a toilet to clean and indoor plumbing!)

I'm really happy right now, and once this meat-loaf coma lifts, I know I'll have a ton more energy!

As for the meat loaf binge...who cares? It was worth it, and I certainly won't have an iron deficiency now. LOL! (Beef contains a lot of Iron)

I'm so thankful to my mom for making that meatloaf, for Colin having another birthday (he too survived another crazy year) and for my friends and my family. I'm thankful to Levi for marrying Tessa so that we can have so much fun planning their wedding! I'm thankful to my co-workers and bosses who make every day of work--lots of fun! (We work a lot too, don't get me wrong!). I'm thankful to God for all of the precious, fun gifts He gives me and the ability to enjoy it all!

Now, however, I'm off to bed--I seriously need to sleep!

Thank You, again, Lord, for it all--please let me remain focused each day--on Peace, Health, Courage & Kindness (I've been finding all four, at some point or another, each day this year--so far, so good! I'm hitting all my goals--somehow, someway, in that respect!)--and please keep it all FUN!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. I just wanted to give a shout-out to the guys at Discount Tire here in Vegas! They are terrific! They are always so nice and kind to me and really take care of me. They "fixed" my tire for "free" the other day, even though it might've been a little flat and even though I did tip them! Okay, my tire wasn't literally flat, but they were fearing that it might go flat on me, so they took the whole thing off and thoroughly checked it out, even replacing a valve on it for me--too fantastic, guys--thank you so, so, so, very much! I am blessed!

Happy New Year! 1/1/11: Peace, Health, Courage & Kindness!

Happy New Year!

It is January 1st, the first day of 2011....1,1,11--get it?

I am feeling SO MUCH better today! I slept SO WELL and I think that helped a lot! I am feeling positive and loved today, so that's so nice!

As long as I stay busy today, I'm alright.

I had a nice remainder of New Year's Eve and stayed up 'till 4am this morning just thinking.

And I thought "For once, I don't want to sit here and think and analyze stuff. I just want to get up and do--whatever it is I feel like doing, I'm going to do it. I've got the weekend off and it's all mine!"

So, that's what I'm doing today--exactly what I want to do. I'm planning for the New Year, writing Thank You Notes, driving around, singing, writing and setting goals. Doing my best to stay positive, be in the moment and enjoy the glorious-ness that is the New Year! WELCOME 2011, I am so damn glad to see YOU!:)

I honestly believe that each day can, and is, a new beginning. I personally don't need New Year's Resolutions to feel hopeful, but since it is New Year's and there is something so special and hopeful about this day....I do have a few Resolutions myself.

My goals for 2011 are:

Peace, Health, Courage & Kindness.

Not just for myself, but for those around me.

I'm going to take a few trips and I'm going to officially become an Auntie! I'm so excited! I'm going to see my sisters, my Dad, my best friend and I'm going to see the Ocean too!

Other than that, I could sit here and list all types of goals and what I want.(And I will) But, I think I'm going to TRY and go with the flow. Try would be the operative word.

I'm in between right now--I know I need a plan for this year--plans are necessary--but I don't need such a huge plan that I'm devastated if it's broken. I had lots of plans last year, some of them worked out, some didn't. I think having a loose plan is important--having each day mapped out, that's not me this year.

It's not that I don't want certain things this year, I definitely do.....

I want to work a lot more on my writing and actually publish something.

I want to continue cooking more and trying different cuisines--cooking and eating them!

I want to continue working on being less judgemental and more compassionate.

I want to continue setting boundaries--and learning the fine line between boundaries and walls. Boundaries keep me safe, sane and healthy--walls keep people out. I don't want to keep people out--I want to establish boundaries within myself, and with others so that I can have more peace, and more health. Setting boundaries takes courage, though, so that's where the courage thing comes in.

I want to stay on track financially--or at least be aware of where my money is going when it's getting spent.

I want to continue adjusting to this new "normal" without my grandmother and do my best to honor her.

I want to continue looking fabulous or rather, having personal hygene and caring about how I look. Sorry if that sounds shallow, but I think if you look good, you feel good--and if you feel good, you look good. It's all connected. I don't NEED to wear make up or look a certain way, I just want to feel good and look good. I want to have confidence in how I do look, even if it's imperfect--because really, who DOES look perfect in real life?

Note: I did wake up this morning with gloriously CLEAR skin, for which I am so grateful! What a fantastic way to start off the New Year! Yay! Happy 2011 to me!

I want to read more!

I want to continue a balance to my life of time alone, time with friends and time with family. I also want to continue going to Church and Meditation Group--and above all, continue on my Spiritual Path. BUT....perhaps in a less "testing" sort of way than I did last year.

I want to see more movies, learn more about Art and keep up my musical affinity!

I want to continue to marvel at the precious little things in life: the change of seasons, fresh flowers, sunsets, good cups of good coffee, the kindness of strangers and the reaching out of loved ones.

I want to let go of old crap and habits that aren't serving me well anymore.

I want to continue developing my sense of style and own unique personality.

I want to stay true to who I am, and what I know is right for me.

I want to have the courage to be that person in a kind, peaceful and yet assertive way, that people admire and respect.

I want to sing more, laugh more and cry less--but allow myself to cry if I need too, because I ALWAYS feel better after I do!

I want to get another kitty this year, at some point! I'm going to name her Emma Jane.

I want to make things right with a few people in my life--whose names shall remain only in my heart. (Again, this takes courage and kindness--and will bring me better health & more peace.)

I want to enjoy life and above all, while I want to be real & genuine....

I also want to stay positive!

And I want PEACE.....

See, every single goal I just stated traces itself directly back to

My Four Main Goals for 2011:
Peace, Health, Courage & Kindness!

If I stay in line with those, I think I'll be just fine!

I'm both scared and ultimately, EXCITED, about what this year will bring and everything I will learn throughout it--

but I'm ready for it and most of all, I'm OPEN to it!

I want to breathe in the sweet smell of optimism!

I want to ring in this New Year with a smile on my face and lots of Peace, Health, Courage & Kindness surrounding me!

And so far, I am doing just that....I really am.

Thank You, Lord, for easing my Depression, for lifting my mood and my outlook for giving me that Inner-Knowing, that Inner-Voice that is always speaking so clearly to me when I'm willing to turn down the negative energy and step out of my depression--if only for a moment. Thank You for directing my path and always leading me back to the Light! Thank You for four clearly stated goals--and four precious words and energies that mean so much--here's to Peace, Health, Courage & Kindness for all of us, throughout 2011 & beyond!

Happy New Year!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

P.S. I'm not feeling perfect today. But I am feeling RELIVED and HOPEFUL! I have a peace about certain things, and other things are totally cramping my style. But, the main thing I feel today is BETTER, MORE POSITIVE and RELIEVED! And honestly, that's good enough for me. I can't expect to feel totally awesome every day, but I can be overwhelmed with gratitude (which I am) and happiness at the sheer difference in how I felt yesterday, and how I feel today! Thank goodness! I am really just relieved, I survived 2010, and I KNOW, in my heart, that no matter what--I will survive 2011 too! So, here's to the New Year--bright with relief, peace and hope!

Last Hour of 2010 in Pacific Standard Time...Going through my "Feel Good File"!

I wasn't going to write again this year--literally. I was going to go in my room and quietly ring in the New Year! Graciously ring it in, of course, but not write again. And then I decided to go through my Hope Chest at the end of my bed. I got the "chest" when I was seven years old, back then, it was a Toy Box, that I think someone made for me, but I'm not sure. Anyway, twenty years later, as an adult, it is my Hope Chest. I don't own anything uber expensive, but I am a sentimal kind of person. I'm sensitive, I feel things so deeply--and so intrinsicly--all of it, good and bad and in between. So, when I was feeling down today (Yes, I'm fighting depression) I decided to go through all of my Birthday and Christmas Cards I got this year. When I gathered them all up, put them in a ziplock baggie (my Card Storage System, for some reaeson) and went to put them in my Hope Chest, I suddenly saw all of my other cards from years past. So, I got them out. I sat on my bedroom floor and went through the last five years of Birthday and Christmas Cards--and I was humbled. I found cards from nearly everyone who's been anyone in my life over the last five years and I was truly touched. To be honest, some people did totally miss my birthday this year,(not everyone, a lot of people acknowledged it, but some did not--again, not that anyone owed me a nice birthday, just saying, it was a first that some people totally forogt about it that's all) and to be even more honest, that did sort of hurt my feelings. I know it's NOT personal--it's a busy time of year, people are strapped for cash, and I get that. But, it was just hard. Anyway, as I was reading the cards and such from the last five years it reminded me of how loved I really am. It reminded that people DO care about me, that they DO love me and admire me. That I DO inspire them. (That's what I really want, to inspire people, to help them. They sure help me.) Sometimes, I forget that. Sometimes, I get so caught up in what's wrong with the world, and what's difficult in my life, that I easily forget that people do care. The other night, I posted something sort of negative on Facebook (I did NOT badmouth anyone and I wasn't totally bummed) and I got all sorts of responses about how I should be positive and focus on my gifts in my life--and I don't mean the THINGS in it. I was totally offended because: first off, I'm HUMAN. I'm entitled to have down days and I have a right to being human, not always so perky and positive. Secondly, I am a lot of things, but un-grateful is NOT one of them. Even in my darkest moments, in the depth of depression--I am still abundantly, overhwelmingly grateful for ALL that I have. At ANY given moment, I can honestly name ten to twenty things I am grateful for right then and there--and it's not always the same things. I'm grateful for little things and big things and all the things in between. And just because I have a bad day, or am struggling with something--does not mean I'm no longer grateful for all that I have. I KNOW how blessed I am, I KNOW how tremendous my life is. I KNOW how strong I am. But, I'm also human, and at 27, in the week since I've been this age--I no longer care to pretend that I'm perfect. I no longer care to be someone other than who I really am--a spiritual being having a human experience. I'm growing, I'm changing--yes, I want to change for the better. But plasting a smile on my face when I'm clearly NOT okay is not going to serve me in the long run. I can try my best to be happy, continue to learn the lessons that life is trying to teach me, strengthen both my spirit and my faith--and continue to show gratitude for all that I have. And I WANT to do all of that, I really do. But, I can't be happy and positive and perky all the time. At the end of the day, yes, that is totally who I am. But I need to give myself the freedom to be real. In the last year, I have focused on honesty. If I haven't shared something here, it's because I didn't want to share it, not because I felt like lying about it. I don't want to be a negative, cruchety person who no one wants to be around, and I want to continue to inspire people and remind them of the greatness of life--because life is great. But, it's also hard, and I also want to be real. It used to be that my optimism alienated me from some people, and now, my honesty seems to be alieanating me from some people--quite weird, if you asked me. The point is--all I want is the freedom to be who I am--whoever that is, at any given moment. Everyone else complains so damn much about EVERYTHING, so why am I not allowed to do the same sometimes? What's good for the goose is good for the gander and I want to be gander for once--just once, that's all I ask! LOL! Anyway, I wasn't planning on spending the last night of 2010 remicnising, but I am so darn glad I did. All those cards and such from beloved friends and family--most of whom, thankfully, are still alive & in my life today--reminded me of just how positive I can be. Just how positive I want to be. They reminded me, again, how much I contribute to the world and what a difference I have made in peoples' lives. (Kind of like the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" kind of thing--that's what I experienced tonight, and it is truly, a WONDERFUL life, indeed!) I'm not saying this to gloat or pat myself on the back--it's just something that I needed to be reminded of. I was feeling down, I was depressed, I was feeling like no one cared at all--and by going through my Hope Chest, and getting all sentimental--I was reminded that YES, I AM GOOD and I AM WORTHY. I was not at all thinking about running away or ending my life, THAT I would NEVER, EVER, EVER do. But, you know, we're all human--we all have bad days, we all have moments when life just gets to be too much--and it's percisely at those moments that we need those special reminders from peopel who care! I'm glad I have those--the reminders and especially the people! It's nice to know you're cared about, and thought about, and loved and admired. Moments like this are exactly why I keep such things--cards and letters and so on. I keep the sentimental stuff for when I'm feeling down--my "feel good" file as an author friend of mine likes to call it. And we all need a "feel good" file. Not that we need others to sustain us, but sometimes, we do need them to remind us. I'm so glad I was reminded tonight. I'm so glad I can ring in the New Year with a better attitude. I don't want to be all depressed, but sometimes, we just are. I can't wait for the New Year--less than an hour away! Awesome! I can't believe it's almost 2011, but thank God it is! I DO know, even through the depression I feel sometimes, that life IS what I make it. (I even said that in the previous entry on here). Even through tough times, I KNOW good and well that what I send out into the universe, I will get back--tenfold! Shoot, I gave scarves for Christmas gifts this year, and I endd up receiving three of them as Christmas gifts this year--see what I mean--what goes around comes around, literally. I know, have seen and totally believe in reaping what you sew--and I totally believe in Karma! I want my karma to be lovely and enjoyable! I want to build good karma--and I certainly don't want my Karma to be a bitch--not at all! LOL! Anyway, I hope 2011 brings me less tears, more fun, more joy and above all, PEACE! I think 2010 was all about acceptance, and I think 2011 will be all about peace. I'm not saying I won't have to struggle to find it, but that is what I really want--PEACE! Peace within myself, peace within my relationships, peace within my heart. I have felt it many times throughout 2010, and hope to feel it even more in 2011!!! And most of all, I hope you all feel it too--I think that's what we all want, the peace and love of friends and family and faith and God! So, thank You, Lord, for making me just as You did--a little bit different. For making me a peace-seeking, family loving, grateful, faithful, strong and steady Person who NEVER doubts that her deepest identity comes from You! Thank you for a renewed sense of spirit, strength and optimisim, in the New Year! Here's to a fantastic 2011 and a continued kinship wtih You, family and life itself! Let's make it great! Happy New Year!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)

Last Day of 2010!!

It's officially the LAST day of 2010 today, and I am SO GLAD for that!

You know, if I'd have been smart and saved up for tonight, I could've gotten a hotel room in the famous city that I live in, but alas, here I am at home--celebrating quietly, as I tend to do every New Year's Eve.

Perhaps one of these New Year's Eve I'll go out and party and do it up right--but honestly, it scares me. Too many people, too much noise, too many drunks--I'd rather stay home and stay alive than go out and get smashed with a bunch of others also getting smashed, and then possibly risk my life trying to find my way home.

Sorry to sound all "Debbie Downer,"-ish, but it's also true.

I'd like to sit and write about how great this year has been, but it hasn't. It hasn't been awful, but it hasn't been great. 2010 will go down, for me, as one of the most difficult years of my life. Any way I slice it, even with ALL of the abundant miracles and every day blessings I was given, it was just a tough year. Let's call it like it is.

Now I have to process and let go of all the bad, keep all the good and keep thanking God for all of the tremendous ways He gifted me this year. Because He has. I want to continue to pass these "tests" with flying colors!

2010 was definitely a life-changing year that I won't ever forget....

But, rather than look back, I want to look FORWARD....

to a bigger, better, brighter year! To new beginnings and the premise of peace that is upon us!

It's like Tessa and I said today , at the same time too, "Sianara 2010, don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out!"

And that's honestly how I feel!

I was blessed this year, by so much, I spent time with those I love, I learned a lot. I enjoyed many parts of it.

But, I can't wait for 2011 to get here--it's going to be happier, fuller, richer, and a heck of a lot more peaceful! I know a lot of that is entirely up to me, but as God is my witness, 2011 WILL BE BETTER!

It has to be.....I know things could always be worse, but you know what, they could also get better. I believe in the better--I believe in hope and faith and love!

So, that's what I'm entering 2011 with--lots of hope, lots of faith and lots of love.

Because it ain't about what happened last year, it's about what's coming up.....and most of all, it's about right here and right now--it's cold outside but I have a warm home. I'm having a fantastic hair day, I'm reading some great books. I have a 4 day weekend (3 days of it left). I have my health and I have hot showers and electricity. Most of all, I have family. And friends, really, really amazing friends! So......

Goodbye 2011 and HELLO 2011--here's to an easier time for us ALL, more smiles, more laughter, more growth, more love and above all, more peace!

I wish each of you and yours a healthy, prosperous and PEACEFUL NEW YEAR!

Remember, "Peace begins within, and peace begins with me".....

Thank you, Lord, for knowing just when we've had enough and blessing us with the ushering in of new beginnings--You are awesome!

Happy New Year!

In Light N' Love,
-Sarah Liz :)